Friday, October 7, 2016

Wanted -Mom Replacement


Mom replacement for teenager. Only one child left in this family of difficult children, to finish raising through his senior year and transition into adulthood.

This teenager comes with autism and anxiety. You may be called upon at any time, to do research on doctors, medication, various therapies, individual education plans, and coping strategies both for yourself, and the teenager. You will become an expert in all of these fields because you must stay a step ahead of the professionals that you pay to do these jobs.  (Look will basically earn an honorary doctorate in the field of pharmacology, nursing, education and therapy.) The maid and cook duties are just an added bonus of skills that you can add to your resume, to show that you are great at mult-tasking.

The pay is non-existent for a shit ton of work, none of which will be appreciated. You must have infinite patience, the ability to smile and act like you love every minute of the job, while being told that you are in fact, incompetent and can't do anything right.

You will spend the majority of your time driving, mostly in circles within a 20-mile radius of your home.  Your ungrateful passenger will likely be angry,  (maybe not at you, but that doesn't matter) so use your words very carefully.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT engage in debate with your passenger.  Do not offer any advice (even when he asks). It's a trick. You will be sorry!

You may often find yourself often operating your vehicle on auto-pilot, because of sheer exhaustion.   Drink plenty of coffee to help you stay awake.  *Do not add Bailey's unless you are staying at home. Bailey's can nullify the caffiene effect, plus the whole illegal to drink and drive thing. (In fact, definitely keep it in stock in your liquor cabinet, along with plenty of vodka and wine. Buy the gallon-size bottles so that you don't have to go to the store as often. Never let your supply run-out! NEVER!)

When going into a grocery store (which is also a major part of your job)  take a picture of your vehicle with your cell-phone before parking, with markers of exactly where you are, so that you can find your car when you come out of the store. Not only, will you often forget where you parked, you may also forget what your car actually looks like.

The original mother lost her ever lovin mind, but don't let that scare you. He will probably be an angel for you since you did not actually carry him inside of your body for 9 months, while getting fat, your feet growing a size and a half, and your boobs left hanging on the ground.

This could be considered to be a community/societal service project, earning you a permanent place in heaven, which is ultimately the best pay ever.

Bonus:  You will not be blamed for everything that ever goes wrong in his life. He will continue blaming the woman who gave birth to him for all of that.



p.s. I will not be available for questions after you're hired. I am moving to a non-disclosed location.
p.s. s. Your face will have this expression most of the time.

In this momlife there is either laughter or tears.
Sometimes both within minutes of each other