Monday, May 12, 2014

My Love Note

As mothers of children with autism, especially those with anger issues, we often wonder why they save all of their negative energy and anger just for us?  Why do we get to see the worst of them? Why do they sometimes behave as if they hate us, when we are the one person in the world who loves them and will do anything for them?

Every year for Mother's Day all I want is a little peace.  Unfortunately, autism doesn't give a damn about Mother's Day and neither does sibling rivalry.  Blue seems to have a lack of ability to ignore anything.  Red seems to have a superior ability to be annoying.  So if the two of them are present, there will be no peace.  It's really sad that I can not truly enjoy peaceful time with my children.  Unfortunately, that is my reality.

If you've been following the blog lately, you know that his major tool of annoyance these days is judging our actions as not being "Christian enough."  His fixation is on the bible, and getting us all to follow it according to his standards.  He can not seem to contain himself.  And so, there is pretty much constant bickering and fighting. Blue is leaning more towards being agnostic because of his scientific mind, things must be proven to him.  He doesn't subscribe to blind faith.  He certainly will not subscribe to Christianity as long as he thinks you need constantly judge people and their beliefs the way that Red does.

For Mother's day this year, I asked for simple handwritten notes from my guys cards, no gifts.  And then I wanted to be left alone in my own house, to bathe, walk around naked, wash and twist my hair, sip champagne and just breathe.
Hubby gave me everything I asked for including a beautiful (typewritten) hand-signed, love letter.  It was 2 full pages!  He then took the boys out for a double feature movie day.  Blue told me he had no words from his heart, but he ended up coming through with a beautiful love note.  Red, did not comply.  He gave me  a single carnation that they were giving away at church for all of the moms.

I won't share my husband's love letter.  I will share my love note from Blue because it may help you understand your own child ...

You probably think I don't love you. Mostly because I am mean to you, I ask you to do a lot of things, and I mostly get angry in front of you.  I really can't live without these three things.  I can't 100% control my mean side.  No one else will do the good things you do, and you're the safest person I can get angry at.  I love you mom, not the way you want me too, but deep inside I do. 

Happy Mothers Day,