Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Nothing is Normal. Nothing.

You think that once your children are no longer babies, your sleepless nights are over.  Nothing is normal when it comes to my life. Nothing.

I didn't even plan on doing a blog post today.  I have too many other things to do.  But I woke up with my mind overflowing with thoughts and memories of my dream last night.  I was in a resort with my family and there was a fire.  The property was surrounded small fires that eventually turned into a big fire.  And guess who was trying to put the fire out?  That's right...it was me.  Because that's what I do you know...put out fires.  Add that to my resume of jobs that I don't get paid for .  Firewoman. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my17 year-old son.  I have never been in an abusive relationship with a man,  but I think this must be what it feels like.  He dumps all of his crap on me.  He pushes me to the limit with all of his drama and each and every whacky, off the wall thought that he has to share with me.  I bare the brunt of the anger that he does not show the rest of the world.  The rest of the world only gets a taste of it.  I get the whole seven course meal! No wonder my appetite is so off these days.  I forget to eat sometimes probably because my mind is so full.

He is in the process of grief and anger over loosing a friendship.  Who cares that he actually has more friends right now than he has ever had in his life?  It's the elusive one that seems to count more than everything.  It means nothing that he spent the weekend hanging out with two friends having a complete blast.  He comes home angry about a friend who no longer wants to hang out with him.  How in the hell does this happen.  Why can't he see his blessings? It doesn't make any sense.  This isn't normal!  But nothing in my life is normal.  Nothing.

Who has a local cop on speed dial to come over and talk to her son who is acting out of control? Me.  Who has a police officer sitting at her kitchen table talking to her son because he was so angry earlier that evening that he wanted to storm out of the door and walk over to his ex-friend's house to make him talk to him?  He wants to show-up at someone's home ...uninvited and angry.  What is that going to get him other than the boy and his family thinking that they made the right choice by staying away from this boy?

He dumps every negative thought and feeling on me, using every curse word in the book for going on 2 days now...until I'm at the point where I no longer want to be in my own home when he is here. I want to run away, which I actually attempted to do Sunday night.  He begged and pleaded for me not to leave.  He loves me.  He needs me.  He promises to listen to me from now on.  "What can I do Mom? I'll give you every dollar in my wallet if you won't leave.  Don't give up on me Mom." Abusive. Relationship. Not. Normal.

He sits there in front of our officer friend saying all of the right things.  Repeating the same words that I've said to him over the past couple of days, as if he has internalized the thoughts and knows the right thing to do and feel.  He is the exact complete opposite of the hate spewing monster who has been parking in my bedroom for days, refusing to leave...refusing to give me any space...any peace  Shooting me over an over with a barrage of negativity until my head is splitting and pulsating in pain.

To put icing on the cake...at 2 a.m.  I am awakened because the other son, Blue, knocks on my door to tell me he has to use the restroom.  What in the hell does that have to do with me?  He wants to use MY bathroom instead of his --the one that he shares with his brother.  It may not be clean enough for him.  I refuse to get up.  I send him packing back to his own freaking restroom!  I lay in bed listening to the sound of the toilet seat slamming.

The next thing I know...there is another knock at my door.  I think I flooded the toilet.  Really?!?! Nothing is in my life is normal.  Nothing.
My Dog Harry Sleeping on his back.
Nothing is Normal. Nothing.
After this last interruption ...I lay awake listening to my husband's heavy breathing.  Thinking thoughts that my boys have shared with me over the past couple of days.  Sleep evades me.

Before Bed, Blue tells me about feeling rejected by his best friend because he invited another friend over to spend the night.  Blue has been wanting to spend the night with him for weeks and "he has excuses or blown him off."  I remind him that friends are not exclusive.  He also has other friends that he spends time with.  He can not choose or command that his best friend spend time with him and only him.  The problem is, Blue's self-esteem has been in the crapper for a while now.  He is depressed and extremely sensitive.  And of course ...I feel his pain.

This is what I lay awake thinking about this morning when I should have one more hour to sleep.  But I can't.  Because nothing in my life is normal.  Nothing.