Sunday, July 12, 2009

How honest can you really be in a blog? I found myself thinking about that today. Do I really share who I really am? There are some close friends and family members who don't know me entirely. When people ask, "How's it going?" "How are the boys?" "Fine," I automatically respond. You don't want to bog people down with the truth. I mean you share some of your reality. How can you not? There are good parts of my reality. From the outside looking in -I am remarkably blessed. I am able to be at home with my kids full-time. Our bills are paid. We live a modest life. We don't have everything that we want, but we have what we need. I should be happy...right?

The truth is that there are constant aches and degrees of emptiness that are my personal blues. I share some of that with those I am closest to, but I don't want the judgment and opinion of some.

I confess here today that I take a small dose of Lexapro for anxiety and depression. Some might say, "Anxiety and depression? What do you have to be depressed about?" In comparison to some people, I may have little or nothing to be depressed about -but it's still there. Others may mask or self-medicate their issues with alcohol or food. That's what a number of people in my family do. I won't name any names, but let's just say, it's not unusual for some to drink an entire bottle of wine a day...alone. Me? I take my little pill and only have one glass of wine. You choose your poison. Sometimes I eat comfort foods -but lately, they have become less comforting. I also excercise regularly as a release of stress.

There are days when I feel great! In fact on those days I say...why do I take these stupid pills. I don't need them. Then I have one of those days when I get a phone call from my son's school, because he's having a meltdown, or heaven forbid, he's having one right here at home. At thirteen I've lost count of the times he has threatened to hurt himself in the past two years.

I haven't explained yet that both of my boys are on the austism spectrum. Kendal definitely has Asperger's and depression. Cole is more along the the lines of PDD-NOS. I will have to write an enitre blog devoted to how this affects both of them. Let's just suffice it to say today, that they are highly intelligent, quirky boys, who appear very normal, but they have extreme difficulty relating to the rest of the world socially. Add that to the fact, that Kendal is a teen, and Cole is a pre-teen and they are boys! I love them, but there are days when they make my life a living hell and I want to run screaming away from here. Every quirk that Alan and I have, they have multiplied times 10. From food pickiness, hypersensitivity to sound, hyper-focus, perfectionism, sensitivity to smells, talkativness -I could go on, but I won't.

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