Chew Me Up and Spit Me Out

Chew Me Up -Part Un

There was a minor explosion after school today.  This time it is my living Angel who blows a gasket.  I told Blue in the morning that I will be picking him up a few minutes early after school.  We have to take his brother to an appointment.  In the literal mind of an Aspergers child you better say what you mean and mean what you say.  There is little room for error or miscalculation.

The day does not go as I planned.  Harry (our Maltese) has a groomers appointment and doesn't finish until late afternoon.  His groomer is closer to Red's school, so I decide to go ahead and pick him up first.  Instead of zig-zagging, waisting time and gas.  This put me about 10 minutes behind to pick up Blue.

Harry -freshly groomed

"What are you doing here so late?!!"  Mind you I am still there 5 minutes before school is out, but still a whole, whopping 10 minutes after I said I would be there.

"I'm so sorry that my day didn't go exactly as I planned."

I try to explain in great detail what happened. It doesn't matter.  He is livid!  He no longer wants to hang out with me while Red goes to his social skills appointment.  We usually go have a bite to eat, go for a walk and hang out somewhere down in Austin together -just the two of us.

We have to drop Harry off at home before we head out. By the time we get home Blue is in tears of frustration.  He explains that it's not just me being late,  it's how his day started with a misunderstanding with a teacher.  My being late is just the icing on the cake.

Once he cries it out...he is able to calm down and apologize for going ballistic.  He decides to go with me after-all.  A few hours without his brother, dinner @ Chipolte,  a trip to the Apple store and all is forgiven.

Spit Me Out -Part Deaux
As I am attempt to calm Blue, Red chimes in with, "I don't want to go to group today.  I'm not going to have enough time on my computer.  Can you extend the parental controls to 10 o'clock?"

If he asked that question once he asked it a hundred times on the way there.  The answer never changes.  I have to remain consistent.  He can survive one day without extended hours on the computer.  This group is for his benefit...not mine.  He wants to make friends -supposedly.  He needs the skills to do so.  This is a group with teenagers who are slowly becoming his friends.  I would rather stay home, finish my laundry and watch "Parenthood."  I am doing this for him and spending a nice penny for it to boot.

When we pick him up after the group he starts again.  He is relentless, talking loudly, repeating himself  over and over and over again.  I want to speed the car up and stop suddenly to make him hit his head on the freakin' dashboard.  I refrain.  I'm only a child abuser in my head.

"But I'm not going to have enough time on my computer.  Can you extend the parental controls for tonight?  Mom, why are you pushing my buttons?  In your head, you are mentally pushing my buttons!"

Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle?

He works himself into a frenzie.  When we get home he starts this fake meltdown where he's rolling on the floor, kicking like a toddler or an epileptic  I've seen him out of control before...this is not what it looks like.  I'm his mother.  I know him like a book.  This is controlled manipulation.

We are in my mother's room where he is sprawled across the floor,  all 200 pounds of him.  My mother is silently laughing at his bad acting job.  The other day she told him that if he kept screaming so loud, he just might pop a blood vessel and we'd have to rush him to the emergency room.  He believed her.  He hasn't screamed since then.

I leave the room so that he no longer has an audience.  Mom finally convinces him that he is wasting what little time he has and to go ahead and take his shower.

By the time both boys are asleep, I feel the need for something strong to calm my nerves.  It's 10 p.m. too late for a martini.   A glass of wine will have me up peeing all night.  I desperately need self-medication.

I've been on a quest to find the perfect cupcake in Austin.  Tonight, I have a red velvet from MadCakes.  A Mad-cupcake for a madwoman -how appropriate.  Don't you think?



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Life in the Circus

7:25 a.m. -five minutes before it's time to get up for school, Blue hears singing coming through the walls of his bedroom.  He comes running, "Mom!  He's singing! He woke me up!  Why do I have to wake up to this?  He's ruining my morning!  Why does he have to live here!!???"

I try to explain that it's time to get up anyway.  I ask him to lay down and let Daddy rub his back for a minute so that he can calm down.

He's had it with his brother.  He went to bed, not exactly happy because in his opinion --his brother ruined my birthday the night before with his antics.  Now he wakes up to this irritation.

A couple of nights before that Red had a meltdown at bedtime that ruined Blue's nightly routine. When Red melts down it's hard to tell what is acting and what is real.  He screams like Chester from Linkin Park in a rock song.  He can make himself cry.  His words are full of drama.  He blames everyone else for his problems and turns the table on the issue at hand.

"Why are you guys being mean to me? Why do you only care about yourself?  Why are you making me suffer?  Why are you abusing me?  Why do you have to force me to do things? You're not being fair!  You're being selfish!  This is your fault!  This is Blue's fault!"

He balls his fist and hits doors, tables, pounds his bed, harasses the dog, he invades my personal space, follows me around closely.   I assure him that any physical damage will be paid for with his money.  If he doesn't have enough, we will sell something that belongs to him to pay for it.

He doesn't scare me in the least, because I mostly see it as drama  -a way of acting out his pain or frustration with himself.  I have what may very well be a delusional attitude that I will knock the shit out of him if he goes too far.  Mind you -I am 5 ft. nothing and he is 5ft 10" and weighs twice as much as I do.

Blue however, sees Red's behavior as a threat to our safety and security.  It isn't fair that he has to live with this.  Blue suffers from anxiety and these antics make him nervous.  He told his dad the other night, "I'm just afraid that one of these days, he's going to break something or hurt someone."

My husband says to me, "Blue is really nervous and anxious about his brother's behavior.  He says, Red needs to go.  He doesn't want him to live here anymore."

I respond, "He's also nervous and anxious about thunderstorms.  We can't make those go away.  We can't just give up on his brother."  Of course, that's not what my husband was asking but he and Blue are both right, he shouldn't have to grow up with this.

Fortunately for Blue, a very low dosage of medication keeps his tantrums under control.  Where his brother who is on several meds, at maximum dosage, is anything but under control.  He does manage to hold things together very well when he's at school.  Here at home is another story all together.  I swear I hate this whole trial and error psychiatric medication crap!

What is choice,  what is real, and what do we do about it?  I find myself pondering that all too often.  Blue thinks the answer is to send his brother away -give him to another family.  Give him to the circus!  The only problem with that is we live in the Circus.  Just call me the Ringmaster.  

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Aspergers and "The Social Network"

Today's Blog Gem

Red is starting to work on his video editing business again.  I will be writing about that adventure very soon.  In the meantime here is a previous post that I think is still very relevant:

I finally escaped to the movies with my girlfriend Friday afternoon.  It took some maneuvering, switching child transporting duties over to my husband, but I managed it. We saw the movie "Social Network".  Loved it! Very interesting subject matter, script and characters.

Afterward my girlfriend and I debated whether or not the main character had Aspergers.  I definitely think so. He was brilliant, but lacked facial expression, and social skills.  He had friends, but did not really know how to interact with them.  Had a girlfriend who he really liked, but because of his bluntness, and lack of social and communication skills, inability to be empathetic, he couldn't figure out how to keep her or his best friend.  He had tunnel vision, hyper-focusing abilities, a great deal of intelligence.  All he could see was his goal....what he wanted to do -which he hoped would finally lead him into social acceptance. 

So that guy, Mark Zuckerberg -he lives here in my house.  He's only 15 and he's black, he's not exactly a genious but he has that same hyper-focus on the things that he wants.  He doesn't have the social skills to maintain relationships with peers, although he desperately wants to.  He often self-sabotages himself with things he does and says.  Of course he's a lot less mature than the college kid we saw in the movie.  He is only 15 after all.

He has been hyper-focused lately on achieving the goal of buying a Blue-ray drive for his computer.  We finally cut the cord and are unwilling to buy him anything other than basic food, shelter, and clothing.  We can not please his insatiable appetite for all things electronic.  He has been forced to come up with creative ways to earn money.  He has a video editing business, he does chores, saves money from birthdays, Christmas, etc.  The latest thing is that he wants to sell things he already has but doesn't use.  The latest bright idea is to sell his television.  He says he doesn't really watch it and would rather watch "high-definition" movies on his computer with his new wide-screen monitor.  His older brother -who lives in his own apartment agreed to buy this tube television for $50.00.  Of course, we haven't seen him or the money since they made this agreement.

So we're having a garage sale yesterday -and Mr. Impatient-Tunnel-Vision wants to put the t.v. out there.  He is now willing to sell it for $30.00 to a stranger, rather than wait for his brother who really needs a television.  Wow! I was like that is total 'Mark Zuckerberg character in the movie!' Forget about those who love and care about you...let's get to the bottom line --what I want now! As God would have it -the t.v. didn't sell at the garage sale.  It will go to his brother today.

Hyper-focus can be a good thing.  I could make you extremely successful if it is put to good use -as Mr. Zuckerberg did with the invention and development of facebook, of which I am a major fan.  It is one of my guilty pleasures --can't stay off of the damn thing.  The question is, will that success bring you happiness? What I've seen so far -is that my son is never happy or satisfied for long.  He reaches his goal of getting what he wants eventually -but then it's just on to the next thing that he wants. The movie also depicted an unhappy person who was very successful in the world of business.

In my mind -true happiness comes from relationships with those who you love and who love you.  It comes from experiences, not things.  It comes from doing something for others who are less fortunate -or just plain old selfless giving.  I don't know if that is something that my son will ever experience.  And even if he does -will he ever be truly happy?  As long as he thinks happiness comes from getting things -I don't see how he can be.  I can try to teach selflessness but I don't know if I can break into his mind and heart.  At some point it has to come from within.  Does he even have the capacity to make that happen? 

Perhaps in the Aspergers mind -the idea of happiness is not the same as atypical people. Perhaps it is something I will never totally understand. However, I think it comes naturally to want your children to be happy.  It's difficult to face the possibility that I may not see that happen for my son.



  

Happy Birthday to Me

It has become a tradition in our home.  Every birthday...no matter who we are celebrating -is all about Red. I've said before when he was younger -he would throw a fit on his brother's birthday.  When he got a little older -he would sing, "Happy Birthday to Me".  Last year on my birthday, he sat silently on the couch as the rest of the family gathered around to sing to me.  This year was no different.

This year, our neighbors -friends we have known since we moved here 11 years ago, surprised me by stopping by the house to sing "Happy Birthday."  It was so sweet and thoughtful.  I used to take care of these children everyday after school when they were in kindergarten and 3rd Grade.  Now G- is a junior getting ready for the prom and driving, and D.J. is in the 8th grade!  This gesture really made my day.

As they got ready to leave, G -who has grown into a gorgeous young lady says, "Where's Red?  I want to say good-bye."

He was in the kitchen actually crying -real tears.  Did it make him so sad that they came over to pay tribute to me?  Wow!  I couldn't believe it.  He pulled himself together so that G- could give him a hug and say good-bye.  I deflected from myself to tell them that Red was planning on trying out for the talent show at school.  They were of course thrilled for him and said they would love to come and support him.  I hoped that my gesture would pull him out of his funk.

After they left, we sat down to have dinner.  He sat on the couch and started with the crying again.  I asked if he would join us at the table in prayer.  He said no of course.  I guilted him into it and he finally did.  I said a special prayer for him.

"Dear Lord -thank you for all of the blessings of this day.  For the cards, flowers, notes, phone calls and outpouring of love from all of my friends and family.  I like to give special thanks to the Moore family who reached out in a loving way by stopping by tonight.  For my friend Tona for taking me out to lunch today. And for all of the love that my immediate family has given me tonight.  I say a special prayer for Red.  That he will feel the love of everyone at this table who loves and supports him.  That he will be able to look at the positives in his life and feel good about himself."

Throughout dinner -Red attempted to dominate the conversation.  I tell him, "We are only going to talk about positive things during my birthday dinner." We had to continuously interject to keep the conversation positive.  By the end of dinner -he started to yell about the parental controls on his computer -that he wouldn't have enough time to work on his projects.  Although, he had spent the majority of his time during the evening complaining, and talking instead of using his computer time.

After he finally went upstairs, Blue says to me, "I can't believe he ruined your birthday."

To which I reply, "He didn't ruin my birthday.  He could only ruin my birthday if I gave him the power to do so.  I didn't give him that power.  I choose to look at all of the positives of this day.  No one can ruin your day unless you let them."

Happy Birthday to Me!

BTW...I have to give a special shout out to my husband who did EVERYTHING to make my birthday special.  He drove me to Houston to have lunch with my best friend, while he had a business meeting.  And on my special day -he bought me a Michael Jackson cupcake (black and white) among many other special gestures.  God Bless him -he's learning after 19 years together.  His contract has been renewed for another year!

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Wishful Drinking

8 a.m. Saturday freakin' morning.  We (hubby and I) are trying to sleep in.  Knock-knock-knock.  We don't answer.  Red bursts through the door and stands over me.  "Good Morning Mom."  I play possum. "Good Morning mom," he says a little louder.  I play dead.

He goes over to the dogs crate.  "Haarrrry!  Good Morning Harry!" In his loud, squeaky, annoying voice.  He can't get to me...so he annoys the dog.  When the dog yelps...I awake from the dead.  Damnit! "Put the dog down."  I say as calmly as I can.

"I just want to say good morning.  I just want to kiss him," he says again in his squeaky, annoying voice.

"Please leave my room."

"Why do you try to force me? Why are you being mean?  All you think about is yourself mom.  Why do you have to be so selfish?"  This is his latest script.  I hear this at least 20 times per day.

"Why are you being inconsiderate of the fact that we are still sleeping?" There goes that Aspergian mind-blindness.

He sits there on the floor refusing to leave.  He starts talking to the dog again.  I ask him again nicely to leave the room.  He refuses.  He wants attention however he can get it.

The dog yelps and groans as if to say, "Leave me the f#*k alone!"  Unfortunately, he doesn't bite.

I stand on my feet and grab a belt.  "Leave my room NOW!" I say in my most authoritative voice.

"Why are you so mad?" he asks?  He gets up and leaves --finally.

I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep.  A few minutes later...here comes Blue.

"Good morning mom! What do you want for breakfast today?"

My eyes are closed!  Why are they talking to me? Why did I think once they became teenagers and could cook for themselves or poor their own bowl of freakin cereal  --I would be able to sleep in?  

Wishful thinking leads to wishful drinking.  All I want for breakfast is Baileys and coffee.


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Ms. Jackson

Asperger Mommy took a few days off this weekend. Asperger Daddy was so nice to Mommy...she wondered if he had  had a fever or something.  He took the boys out to a car show on Saturday while Mommy got to spend the day resting.  When he came home he was so exhausted he needed a nice long nap.

On Sunday Daddy took Blue to a birthday party while Mommy spent the day doing her hair and her nails so that she could be ready to go see Janet Jackson -live in concert!

Daddy, Mommy's childhood friend and her husband.  

Mommy her high-school friend, and Daddy
Waiting in line to get in to see Janet! 

Janet in her glory! We were in the 3rd Row Center!

Janet was absolutely fabulous!  More beautiful in person than she is on television or in the movies.  It was the best concert that Mommy has ever been to.  

She sang "Scream" the infamous song that she and Michael made together, while Michael danced behind her on a large screen.   She sang "Together Again" with a photo montage of Michael as her background.  This just about sent Mommy over the edge...

Janet Jackson - Song Lyric “Together Again”

There are times when I look above and beyond There are times when I feel your love around me baby I'll never forget my baby I'll never forget you There are times when I look above and beyond There are times when I feel your love around me baby I'll never forget my baby When I feel that I don't belong Draw my strength From the words when you said Hey it's about you baby Look deeper inside you baby I dream about us together again When I want us together again baby I know we'll be together again 'cause Everywhere I go Every smile I see I know you are there Smilin' back at me Dancin' in moonlight I know you are free I can see your star Shinin' down on me (Together again ooh ) Good times we'll share again (Together again ooh ) Makes me wanna dance Lyric provided by http://www.musicpopstars.com (Together again ooh) Say it loud and proud (Together again ohh) All my loves for you Always been a true angel to me Now above I can't wait for you to wrap your wings around me baby Wrap them around me baby Sometimes hear you whisperin' No more pain No worries will you ever see now baby I'm so happy for my baby

Mommy thought she was back in her younger days.  She danced and danced and jumped up and down until her knees said to her, "Do you know how old you are?"  She screamed until she didn't have a voice anymore.   She cried tears of joy and happiness because she was so close to one of her favorite singers ever.  

Mommy fell madly in love with Daddy all over again, because he made this possible -for sparing no expense so that she could have this memorable experience.  She kissed him passionately when the concert ended...and they lived happily ever after. 

Until the next morning when she had to get up at 6:30 a.m. after staying out past midnight.   When her Asperger son awakened from his peaceful slumber he said to her, "So...you just had to go to that concert didn't you?  It's not fair.  Why are you so selfish?"  Back to reality! 

Too many cocktails, too much dancing.  Who knew there is still life after midnight?  Asperger Mommy spent the entire day trying to recuperate...but it was well worth it! 

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Light it Up Blue

Today I watched Holly Robinson Peete share the very personal story about her son who was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3 on her new talk show "The Talk".   It was emotional,  especially when she talked about the changes in RJ after his 2nd Birthday.  As a mother,  instinctively she knew that something wasn't right.  She was dismissed by others including her pediatrician when she shared her concerns. This struck a cord with me.

During my son Red's 2nd year, I  provided daycare for my neighbor's son.  The boys were only 4 days apart in age.  I thought it would be fun for Red to have a playmate.  I watched as my friend's son who came to me with little to no language and communication, start to speak in sentences.  While Red's language was present, we didn't understand much of it at all.  It was garbled.  In my heart I knew something was wrong.  I  too was dismissed by our Pediatrician.  "Oh he's just a boy.  Everyone develops at a different pace.  Yada, Yada, Yada."

It wasn't until his 3rd birthday that the doctor tired of hearing me, finally suggested that we at least have his hearing checked.   His hearing was fine.  But it was the Audiologist that suggested that we have his speech evaluated by the local school district.   He was evaluated and shortly thereafter, he started in the Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities.

A year lost.  A year of preventions and therapy that could have been in place -when I knew that he needed help.

As a mother -always follow your instinct.  You're usually right.


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