On Second Thought...

One thing I love about the internet and autism community is the exchange of information that you may otherwise not get.  I wrote and shared this post, "Under the Rocks"  about how happy I am with our visit to the Pediatric Neurologist.  I felt so good about following my instincts and mother's intuition when it comes to my boys and the medications they are taking.

In this post I mention specifics about medications which if I had been in my right mind, I may not have done.  I mean the detailed information is a little personal.  But then again, my life is an open book.  And this blog is based on our reality.  As it turns out...it was a good thing.

My friend John Scott Holman an infamous Autism Writer, shared my post with his fans.  He also commented on my Facebook link after he read the post, "Be Careful with Effexor.  Focalin dose is too low.  Depakote did nothing for me and is very toxic to the liver and sedating.  Seroquel is extremely sedating and caused me to become lethargic and depressed."

Of course this gets me to thinking...WTH? I have not done my own due diligence by researching this medication myself.  Here I go...trusting the professionals.  The Psychiatrist originally prescribed this medication.  The Neurologist followed her cue and wanted to increase the dosage to the appropriate level for his weight.

The professionals don't live with my kid.  They won't have to deal with the fallout should this not go well.  So after John made this comment, I was all over it.

'Dear Google -what's up with this drug Effexor.  I need to know the good, the bad and the ugly?'

I review several web-sites.  The one I find most interesting is this site called Crazymeds.  The site gives fact, opinion and reviews from those who have used these medications telling us how it effected them.  There is also a little humor used in the descriptions, which of course, I love.  People who have used Effexor have either loved it and hale it as a miracle, or they hated it.  Almost no one said it did not work, but what they did say freaked me out.  Several users said things like:

"Don't miss a dose! Or you'll be sorry!"
"Coming off of this med is a nightmare!"

Under the category of Cons it says:

"For many people Effexor XR has the absolute worst discontinuation syndrome of an an antidepressant.  It is a medication that people utterly loathe to have taken. It is not uncommon for someone to fire doctors during or immediately after they quit taking..."

I post on my "Confessions" Facebook Page, I pose the question, "Does anyone have experience with Effexor?  I get the similar comments.

"It was effective, but don't miss a dose."
"...the biggest problems were if she missed a dose --she just fell apart and got paranoid and her school called me once because they thought she was suffering a psychotic break."

After reading this I am done.  I didn't sleep that night.  The following morning,  I call the Neurologist office and tell them I don't want to continue use of Effexor.  This drug sounds like where you go as a last resort.  We have not exhausted all of the possibilities yet.  I am leaning towards Wellbutrin as a result of my research and feedback.  At this point, he is only 3 days in to Effexor...so the doctor says it is fine to discontinue usage. We will discuss what we want to replace it with next week.

Oh and by the way...the blood-work came back and his platelets are low.  So we need to also decrease that Depakote, which could be causing the low platelets.   Not remembering what I learned way back in high-school and college about the human body I ask, "And what exactly do the platelets do?"  They apparently help with clotting.  If your platelets are low...you could bleed out from an injury. Good thing we did that blood-work! 

At the same time...I am already seeing more energy from him.  His moods are mostly good...but kind of all over the place like a roller coaster from moment to moment.   I have seen some aggression and cursing like a sailor.  I believe that I am seeing more of his personality.  Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

The bottom line...adjusting medications is a real pain-in-the a**!  It helps, if you have a doctor who is listening to you.  But, there are no easy answers or quick fixes.  It is a painful, arduous process that requires a great deal of due diligence on the part of the patient, and in this case, the patient's mother.

If you haven't already...come and join me on Facebook.  The community we have is invaluable. 

Under the Rocks

For months now I've had this gut feeling that Red's meds are not right.  Despite the meds, he is still very depressed and lethargic.  He's always complaining about being tired.  His social anxiety is still very much alive.  Sometimes, when a person is always complaining about something...it begins to fall on deaf ears.  But in the back of my mind...I know...something isn't right.

We go in to see the Psychiatrist on a regular basis.  I voice my concerns and she slightly tweaks this or that, or adds this or that.  Things get a little better, or a little worse.  We go back and she changes things again.  This past week she finally kind of listened to the fact that he is lethargic...always complaining of being tired.  She orders blood work, which she hasn't done in I don't know...ever!  I'm not a doctor, but even I suspect that if you're taking several medications, sooner or later you should be evaluating the blood, doing weight and blood pressure with regularity.  This time she gives us lab orders to take blood to check his thyroid.  I have this little feeling that says, "Thyroid?  It's not his freaking thyroid!  It's this got dammed medicine!" But whatever...

A little over a year ago, I try to get an appointment with this awesome Pediatric Neurologist.  The practice staff gives me the run around.
'Since you used to see another one of the doctors in the practice...you have to wait so long and go through some shenanigans before you can get into see another doctor in our practice.'

Finally, I get approval to make an appointment with the doctor, however it would be 6 months before we would actually get to see him.  Sounds ridiculous...right?  I go ahead and schedule the appointment.  I heard through the grapevine, that this doctor is not all about how many meds he can prescribe.  Sometimes he even goes with herbal remedies.  Sounds crazy...unheard of right?  When you're desperate to make things better for your child...you are willing to look under every rock until you find the answers.

Another little tickle in the back of my mind has been Red's cognitive decline.  In elementary school, with hard work, Red was an A/B student.  There were not nearly as many accommodations like he has now.  At this point, his work has been cut down to a minimum.  He gets almost 1 on 1 instruction in math and language arts and he's still behind the curve.  His reading is way below grade level.  How can you at one time be commended on state testing, and now be so far behind? Something ain't right.

I chalk this up to ...he's so depressed and fixated on social issues that he isn't focusing on his school work.  But still...I have that little feeling that something isn't right.  Could it be the medicine that's slowing him down?  The more meds he takes, the slower is his progress academically.  He is still passing every class, but he can not carry a regular work load.  His thinking is slower.  His processing speed has always been slow...but it barely has a pulse now. What's really going on here?

Today, we finally have our appointment to see the Neurologist.  I share my concerns.  He hears me.  He hears every-single-word I say.  He agrees that I should be concerned about cognitive decline.  He too is concerned.  He sees that Red is clearly still quite depressed.

He goes through every single medication that he is taking and tells me which are making him tired, which are redundant and unnecessary, and what will probably work better:

Intuniv 4 mg at night --is making him fatigued and makes if difficult for him to get up in the morning and truthfully is not helping him all that much with attention.  We will be cutting this down and eventually out.  How can you pay attention if you're tired? 
Focalin -he is only on 5 mg in the a.m.  -we will be boosting it to 5 additional mg at noon.
Depakote --is a really "old-fashioned" drug.   He should be having blood-work done every 3 to 4 months while taking it.  There are other drugs you can take where you don't have to continually monitor blood (which hasn't been done any way).
Seroquel --he is only taking this at night.  It only stays in your system for 6 hours. This drug can also add to fatigue.  It's good for sleep but isn't helping with mood during the day.  He doesn't need help with sleep...so what's the point here? We will be tapering off of it completely.
Prozac (Fluoxetine) and Effexor (Venlafaxine) -the Psychiatrist just started him on the lowest dose of Effexor  ...did not adjust or take down the Prozac.  This is redundant, and Effexor will work better.  The Neurologist adjusts the Prozac down...and eventually out.  He adjust the Effexor up to the correct dose for his weight.

Before we leave his office, he has the lab take blood for a full blood evaluation...not just checking his thyroid.  He will also be doing an EEG and an MRI to look at his brain to get a clear picture of what is going on with him.  He will be doing cognitive testing so that we have something to measure and watch.  (Even the school has not wanted to take the time to do that!)

I leave his office almost dancing!  I am so happy that I followed my maternal instinct.  I am so happy that we are on our way to get a true picture of my son.  I am thrilled that I lifted those boulders so that we can see what is underneath, leaving no stone unturned until we have some answers.

Editorial Note: All medications do different things for different people depending on your body's chemistry.  I am not an expert on medications (although I'm certainly gaining a lot of experience).  You may have very different results. When all else fails...follow your instinct. 

Wait For Me!!!

It's hard to tell sometimes what is typical teenage behavior, what is depression, and what is Aspergers and anxiety.  The behaviors are lumped together within my 16 year-old son.  He is hormonal, he is a boy, he has autism, and depression, he is defiant, he is a teen.   And to put it mildly...he is a handful of mixed nuts! He's kind of like the trail mix my husband buys.  I'd like to pick out the M&M's, the sweet part, take a little of the peanuts, and raisins and throw out the rest of the crap! 

My husband is so excited about seeing his dad.  His dad drives all the way from Savannah, Georgia with his wife, to San Antonio, TX to spend the week in a time-share.  We live 90 minutes from San Antonio.  So the plan is to come down and spend a long weekend with them.  Of course, his dad would like to see his son AND his grandsons.  I mean he drove all this way...right?? 

Red is on the fence about going.  His social anxiety has been a little high lately.  He knows if he comes with us, he will have to be on his best behavior because quite frankly,"Big Grandad" doesn't take any crap.  Big Grandad stands at around 6 foot 3 or 4. (which is much taller than the other grandads in our family).   He is a lovely man...really.  He is funny, and sweet, but he is also no-nonsense.  His wife, is no shorty like me.  I'm sure she stands around 5'ft 10 or 11.  She also is no-nonsense.  

Not to mention, if he comes he will have to be around us 24/7.  He will be on our schedule....not his.  There will be no sitting in front of a computer, hiding out in his room for hours on end.  There will be restaurants, people, activities that may actually require getting of your butt!  Who needs all that right?  Also, you will have to refrain from constantly harassing your little brother because Granddad just might knock you in to next week.  (Grandpa will not actually do this...but Red thinks he might...which is a good thing.) 

Aspergers Dad says, "We are leaving at 11:30 a.m.  If you are going...be ready!  We are not waiting for you!"  He is very clear and repeats this several times...stressing how important this is to him.  Aspergers Dad is really anxious to see his father.  He is also very thankful that his dad drove all this way to see us.  He is not going to be late!

Red packs his clothes but then farts around, talking on the phone to a friend.  Then he crawls back in bed and says, "I'm tired. I'm not going."  

My mother is staying at home.  If he doesn't go...he'll be "stuck with Nana" (as he says within her earshot by the way).

I warn him several times, "If you change your mind at the last minute, we will not wait for you.  We are leaving on time." 

We are of course running a little behind.  It's 11:50 a.m.  I say to him, "O.K. you've obviously made your decision.  We will see you when we get back.  I suggest you call some of our friends so that you have something to do while we're gone." 

At 11:55 when we start loading up the car..."WAIT!!!  I want to come!"  Aspergers Dad completely ignores him and continues loading the car.  "Please!!! Don't leave me!!!" he screams, but he is making no motions towards actually getting ready.  He has not finished packing.  Has not brushed his teeth or washed his face. 

I say, "We'll give you 3 minutes."  

"How about 5?"

He still is not moving.  He's arguing. 

"Dad needs to be more patient!" (Just like the school bus driver.  The world needs to learn how to Wait for Me!) 

Five minutes pass, he is still arguing.  We get into the car.  He runs outside, "Wait!!!! You can't leave me.  This isn't fair!"

I am crushed on the inside.  Aspegers Dad doesn't care.  "He's 16 years old!  He needs to learn.  He'll be fine."

We drive away.  Blue and I are upset with dad, but I kind of see his point.  Of course, I am the old softy mom, which is why Red is so freakin' spoiled in the first place.

Red does not call us all day.  I'm expecting him to call and say, "Mom...why did you leave me?  Come back.  I really want to come." He doesn't. Which says to me, he really didn't want to come.  This was all just a bunch of drama.  Instead, according to my mom, he plopped his butt on the couch and played the Playstation for 3 hours. 

We are here in San Antonio.  I am surrounded by 3 generations of my husband's genes. Blue is enjoying his Granddad.  They both have a love of cars.  Blue enjoys showing off his knowledge.  Hubby is in heaven being with his dad.   

This morning I sleep in.  I get up and write...while the guys are upstairs in Grandad's suite.

So far...it's been a peaceful weekend.  

p.s. Big Grandad is coming up to our house next weekend...so he will have a chance to see Red and Slim before he heads back to Georgia. 

Weekend Torture

This weekend we are scheduled to go to San Antonio to a time-share resort.  We are meeting my in-laws who are coming in from Georgia.  They haven't been to Texas in a while.  Now that my Mom lives with us, it makes things a little crowded at our house.  So to have some quality time with them, we're going to meet them there.

We will have a 2 bedroom suite with full kitchen, dining and 2 bathrooms.  My in-laws have their own room.  There is an indoor swimming pool, a golf-course and plenty of things to do in the San Antonio area that would keep the average family happy.

We are not the average family.
Nothing is simple for us.

The boys have been fighting like mad dogs lately.  Hormones, testosterone, along with their cousins depression, anxiety and autism have all gotten together to wreak havoc in our lives.  They fight over the simplest, in many ways typical sibling issues.  You know...we've heard it all before:

He's looking at me.
He's touching me!
He's biting his nails!
Stop to telling me what to do!
You're not my father!
Mind your own business!
You're an idiot!
You guys treat him better!
You baby him!
He needs to man up! (This one from Red...What the hell does he know about manning up?) 

The truth is they both stay in each other's business.  They both try to tell the other what to do and we can't seem to shut either one of them up.  Their Aspergery quirks and tendencies feed off of each other.

Blue is sensitive to sound.
Red makes annoying sounds (nail biting, singing).

Blue can not tune out ANYTHING.  He has to respond to EVERYTHING.
Red does things to make Blue respond.  He gets a charge out of seeing him lose it!
Of course we tell Blue you would win if you just walk away and not respond.  Most of the time he just can't do it! 

Blue is very rule following, rule enforcing.
He tries to parent and enforce said rules with his older brother.
Red is very anti-rule following.
He refuses and gets angry because his little brother is telling him what to do or what NOT to do.

They get mad when the other one has a meltdown and yells at me.  Yet they both do it!

They have very little sympathy or empathy for one another.
Red takes out his anger and depression on Blue.
Blue feels like a target.
Red does and says really mean things and a few minutes later, he's forgotten about it.
Blue is still angry about what Red has said or done.   
(You can't really blame him.) 
Then Red is mad that Blue is mad.
It's a vicious circle!
Get the picture??

I am not looking forward to traveling with these two.  Travel and change is hard enough because of Blue's anxiety.  Red...is in many ways just a teenager, who doesn't really want to be around his family especially 24/7 like we will have to be on this trip.  This is intensified by Aspergers.  Lately, his social anxiety is kicked up a notch.  When we go into a restaurant he gets this mean scowl on his face.

"I hate being around all of these HAPPY people!"
"Everyone is looking at me."  They're not looking at him, but if they were, could it possibly be the scowl on his face or that he's putting his head down on the table in a restaurant?  I mean this kid has a million dollar smile...when he uses it, but this face that he puts on is really unattractive, to say the least.  He looks like Anakin from Star Wars. 

It's really a shame that what could be a fun, family getaway feels more like an exercise in torture.  My husband is actually mad at me for not looking forward to it.  I think he sees it as a personal affront to his Dad who is coming all this way to see us.  It is so not about that!  I would love to see them and hang out with them...if it were really going to be fun!  The truth of the matter is...there will be a degree of anguish for us.  For Red because he really feels uncomfortable.  For Blue, because he hates being the target of his brother's anger.

We can hope that having the grandparents there will mitigate their behaviors.  But that only means as soon as we get behind closed doors...Red will probably blow a gasket!

Am I being negative here...expecting the worst?  Or is this just the reality?

Anyone have any sibling fighting advice?

Wish I could say I have all the answers here...but I don't.  I would really love some feedback on this one...HELP!!!

Morning Scene -Take 999

7:00 a.m.:

Mom hazily rises with the help of the alarm on her cell phone.  It's still dark outside.  She grumbles something or other to herself, but still she rises, goes to pee, grabs her cell and her best friend (the laptop) and sits it all on the coffee table in the family room.  

7:10 a.m:

The phone buzzes again. She takes it into her son's room and lays it next to his head.  Groggily, he opens his eyes and shuts it off.  

"Come on son...it's time to get up."

"I'm too tired.  I don't want to go to school," he grumbles. 

Mom runs her fingertips lightly around his face, eyes, ears, nose, hairline.  She imagines it tickles a bit.  

"Stop!" he says.  

She doesn't care.  She wants him to wake up.  She walks away giving him the chance to process and wake up.  Meanwhile, Facebook and Twitter are calling.  She has to see what the crew is up to.  It appears that a number of autism parents were up at 3:30 a.m....their kids waking them for some reason or another.  She counts her blessing...at least no one woke her up in the middle of the night. 

Ten minutes pass...her 16-year old son is still not up.  It looks like it's going to be one of those mornings.  This started the night before with the "I'm too tired to go to school tomorrow."  His actions this morning are a manifestation of this announcement.  

She goes in again...gently trying to wake him.  His eyes open, but he turns over.  "I need more rest!" he screams.

"So do I," she says..."but I'm up."

7:20 a.m:

She leaves his room.  Enters her younger son's room, turns on his light and gently prods him.  "Time to get up."  He opens his eyes and turns over, the gentle sound of jazz music is playing from his IPOD speaker.

One more stop in older brother's room.  This time she resorts to turning on the water in the bathroom, wetting her hands. She touches his face. "Mom!!! Stop!!!" 

"You know...we need to wash these sheets today.  She takes the cover and top sheet off of the bed.  

"Mom!! I'm cold!"  

"Well...get up and put some clothes on."

7:30 a.m:

At this point, mom realizes there is no way he's going to make the school bus today.  She calls the transportation department to alert the driver not to stop by.  

13 year-old son is up and dressed...also tired, he lays on the couch.  

"Mom...can you make me some waffles?"  

"Sure son."

The 16 year-old is now sitting on the side of the bed not moving...still complaining. "Why can't you just let me sleep?  Call them and tell them I'm sick.  Why do they have to know?  How do you expect me to function today?  I'm tired!"

"Come and get some breakfast, take your medicine and you'll get some energy.  Come on let's go," says mom. 

She prepares waffles for the 13-year old. 

The 16 year-old finally makes it down the stairs.  "You didn't make me Cream of Wheat?"  

"Nope...I do that on mornings when you get up on time.  Not today...sorry.  Pour yourself some cereal," says mom. 

"What??!! That's not fair!" 

Really?

8:00 a.m:

13 year-old moves on to the teeth-brushing, face-washing, hair-brushing routine.  

Mom puts in a  text to her carpool partner.  

"Can you please take the boys this a.m.? I'm dealing with Red?"

Her partner agrees to take the middle schoolers.  

The high-schooler is going to obviously be late.

8:30 a.m:

13 year old is waiting by the door for his carpool driver.

He gets almost everything he wants, cereal, toast and eggs (Mom begrudgingly prepared, toast and eggs).  16 year-old takes meds and puts on shoes, but...sits down again claiming fatigue. 

At this point, mom is upstairs, not wanting to give him an audience to talk to and move slower for.  

She shouts downstairs, "Did you brush your teeth?" 

"No!  I really can't do this.  Why can't you respect the fact that I'm tired?" says the boy.  

"I respect it.  I understand it...but you still have to go to school." says the mom.

He goes on refusing.  Finally, Dad steps in.  

"That memory I spent $130 dollars on this weekend...I'm taking it out of the machine," he says in his very deep, manly voice.

"Noooo!!!  Mom! Stop him!"

"Uh...let me here that water running," Mom says.

"O.Kaaay...fine!" 

9:00 a.m:

Teeth get brushed.  We head out the door.  On the way to school he starts in.  

"I still don't get why you can't respect the fact that I'm tired."

"It's kind of hard to respect and believe it when you announced that you were too tired to go to school before you even went to bed last night."

"I'm still really tired."

"Every student in that school this morning is tired and didn't feel like getting up this morning.  When you have a job...your boss isn't going to say,  'I respect that you are tired this morning.  You go ahead and sleep.'  He's going to say, 'You're fired!' Everyone has to get up and get moving in the morning.  You are no different," says mom.

"I guess the answer is we're going to have to send you to summer school this year, because you obviously have too much trouble transitioning after breaks from school." A passive-agressive threat. 

"That's not going to help," he says. 

"Maybe we'll have to find a nice residential summer camp where you can learn some coping skills."  She says giving him  more food for thought.

9:10 a.m: 

They arrive at school.  He is now 25 minutes late. He refuses to get out of the car.  His class is in the portables, so Mom can pull up right outside the door.  Mom gets out of the car, to which the boy strongly protest.  "Don't get out of this car!  You're going to embarrass me!"  

"Well, you can get out of the car and save yourself the embarrassment."  

He doesn't move...she does.  She gently knocks on his classroom door and opens it.  A young, beautiful milk chocolate-brown-skinned teacher with an adoring smile and dazzling eyes comes towards the door.  "Hi there...you have a student who is refusing to come into your classroom.  He's sitting outside in the car," says the mom, feeling frumpy.  The teacher looks slightly confused.

The charming teacher comes outside and sees that it is Red.  She turns back to the mom and says with a soft voice, "Oh...it's so nice to meet you.  I love your son.  He never gives me a moment of trouble.  He's very compliant with me."  No wonder...you're so young and beautiful!  He'd never give you a hard time. Wish I could say the same.

"I'm sorry you're having a tough time this morning Red.  It was hard for me to get here this morning too," says the teacher to the boy.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired," he says with flat affect. 

"Well come on in.  We can get some tea or hot chocolate to help get you going!"

Hot chocolate...tea?  Really???  I wanted to go to her class! 

"Wow Red!  You are so lucky to have such a great teacher in your corner," says the mom. 

He pops his ass right out of the car and goes with the beautiful teacher. 

"Have a nice day.  Make good choices!" says the mom.  She burns rubber out of the parking lot...

9:30 a.m.

Mom arrives back home.  She pours herself a cup of coffee...she adds Bailey's.  

Do you blame her? 

His Future is Bright

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
"There is a reason why God made you their mom."
I can't tell you how many times I've heard these sentiments from friends and family.
Well, I often ask God,
"Really??? You think I can handle this!? Come on now! You can't be serious."

I write most often about Red.  He has always been a complete puzzle...a real piece of work since he was a baby.  He showed up to the party early...an emergency C-section.  He was the baby who cried and cried every evening for hours on end.  He screamed every time the car stopped.  One time my husband had to pull over into a Mc Donald's parking lot and walk with him until he calmed down.  He said, "People were looking at me like I had kidnapped him or something."  Even though, they couldn't look any more alike.

Red was hospitalized @ 17 months with Kawasaki's Disease.  This strange high fever came over him for days while we tried to figure out what the hell was going on.  Finally the 3rd day, he woke up swollen all over, eyes, lips, face, fingers.  I rushed straight to the Pediatrician's office where they sent me directly to the hospital and he was admitted.

He was speech delayed, with his own garbled language.  As his mother, I knew something was off, but the Pediatrician dismissed my feelings.  Finally, at age 3 after having his hearing tested by an Audiologist...I had him tested and put into Speech Therapy and Pre-school for Children with Disabilities.  In 1st grade we got the ADHD diagnosis, which did not fully describe him.  In 4th grade he was pretty severely depressed and finally in 6th grade we figured it out!  He has Aspergers!  A huge light-bulb moment!  It explained so much!

As he storms through the teen years, we have also been given a mood-disorder diagnosis, subsequent to  Aspergers.  In other words, his depression and rages come as a result of his Aspergers.  He can really lose control when he's in his worst depressed state of mind.  When you're 5' 10 and 200 pounds,  the meltdowns are not so cute!  In fact, they look pretty darn scary.  Therefore he takes medication to keep those rages under raps.  I am hopeful that as he matures, and his hormones balance out...he will be able to control his moods a little better.  Key word here is "Hopeful."

If you've read my blog, you know that Red is hell on wheels!  He is a real-hand full to say the least. Therefore, he requires a great deal of my time and attention.

I started out writing this post not about him.  It's about my "Easy" child.  My Angel... Little Boy Blue.  Who since adolescence began is no longer such an Angel, and is definitely not little!   I think I've scared some of my readers of younger children with my exploits with Red.  Every child with Aspergers is different.  This includes Red's brother...my youngest son, Blue.

Blue was diagnosed with Aspergers shortly after we discovered Red's diagnosis.  There were eery similarities between them, although, they are very different!  Blue's Aspergers is very much anxiety based.  He also misreads social cues, and has very rigid, black and white thinking.  He is however, an excellent student, a very-hard worker and wants to be perfect at EVERYTHING!  He wants to be a good son.  He wants to please his parents and teachers, whereas Red couldn't care less.   At least all of this was true until recently.

Puberty hits...hormones kick in and now...watch out world!  I have hell on wheels number 2! Still he is not like his brother.  He has a number of friends, most of whom are on the spectrum or have ADHD.  He is still an excellent student with an A average.  He is a leader and an a compassionate friend.  In fact, in some ways he is very typical.  He would definitely rather be around his friends and their families than be around us.  Yesterday, I took him and his friends to the mall and they pretended not to know me. That was pretty funny and kind of cool at the same time.

As the hormones kick in...I no longer know anything!  He knows everything.  When the anxiety and fatigue kick in...I am the ball he kicks around in frustration.  When the meltdowns come...everything is all my fault.  I am the worst mom ever!

"I hate this family!" he screams.
"I'd rather be at school where people appreciate me!" he hollers!
"Oh great...schools out today, I have to be around YOU PEOPLE."

He thrives on the schedule and dare I say, pressure of school.  He is very independent and would really like to do his own thing most of the time.  He always plans his social calendar, so that he doesn't have to sit around spending time with us...especially with his brother, with whom he fights like cats and dogs, oil and water, fire and ice!

Our new routine is that he goes to the public library most evenings after school for a couple of hours to get his home work done.  He just can't work with the distractions here at home.  Of course, he refuses to close his door and work.  It's almost like if he has an audience, he will perform.  "Oh my God! This is so hard!  I'm so tired!  This is ridiculous! Why do they give me so much homework?  This is really cutting in on my free-time!"

If he's on his own...he just gets it done.

One night last week, Hubby calls him and says, "Are you almost finished? I need to pick you up around 8 o' clock."
"I can't make you any promises, " he says.

Over the Christmas break...he really put me through hell.  He hated all of that free time.  It was just more time to think and be anxious about what he was going to get for Christmas.  He revised his Christmas list after doing detailed research about 8 times!  I couldn't wait for the so-called break to be over!

As they say, "If you've met one child with Aspegers...you've met one child with Aspergers."  They are all very different and special in their own ways.

Where I worry non-stop about Red...as I wrote here, "Dear Worry"
Will he ever be able to make it in the world out there on his own?
Will he ever be truly happy?
Will he take his special interest and turn it into a career and be able to take care of himself?
I have many doubts and fears....yet, I remain hopeful.

With Blue...I know.

Although this adolescent phase where hormones rage, there for he rages, explodes and generally drives me to drink...
I have no doubt that his future is bright.
In fact it's so bright...it burns my eyes.
Where are my shades? 

Dear Worry,

Please go away.
You're not welcome here.
I would like just one day without you.

Just one day...of not walking on egg shells
Worrying that I will set some one off and there will be a meltdown.
Just one day...with no phone calls or e-mails from school
Just one day...with no fires to put out
No fights to break up.
No screaming in this house.

Just one day...of not thinking about medication and how it's effecting my child
Is it making things better?
Is it making things worse?
Is it making him tired?
Is it causing him to gain weight?
Is it causing regression?

Just one day...not searching for answers.
I'm addicted to knowledge.
I want to know...to understand.
I want to make things better.

Just one day...of not wondering
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I making matters worse?
Am I doing too much?
Am I doing too little?
Am I spoiling him?
Of course I'm spoiling him.
I just want to ease his pain.

Just one day...of not feeling like my parenting is being judged by someone.
I know I shouldn't care.
I just wish the judgement , "I could do it better" and "All you have to do is..."did not exist.
They have no idea what it's really like to walk in my shoes.

Just one day...of not worrying about his anxiety.
Just one day...of not wondering
Will he ever live on his own?
Will he ever be happy?
Are we running out of time?
Will he ever find true love? True friends?
Will he treat his future wife the way she deserves to be treated?
Will I have grandchildren?

Just one day...of not wondering...
Will I ever find myself again?
Will my marriage survive this stress?
Will we ever be on the same page in what to do for these children?

Just one day...of not worrying that he will do something to get himself into trouble.
Will I ever get "that" phone call?
Will his anger get the best of him?
How real is his threat of self-harm?
You can never be too cautious when it comes to his life.

Just one day...of not trying to figure out
What can I do to make him happy today?
How can I make him smile?
All the while feeling deep inside...
nothing I do will elicit the kind of happiness I want for him.

Just one day...of not feeling the pain that he feels...the worry that he feels.
Where is my magic-pain-depression repellant cloak?
I need it today.

Worry, Worry Go away
Come again another day.

Today...I give my worries to a higher power
He's going to take the wheel
He's a much better driver than I
Where I search the map...
He already knows the route
He knows exactly where our journey ends
I have to try to remember when worry comes calling...
Refer him to my driver