tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18734793494478137182024-03-15T14:39:57.941-07:00Confessions of An Asperger's MomNot the expert mom with all the answers...the mom who can't stop looking for them. Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comBlogger577125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-52215482259524471282023-08-12T16:54:00.007-07:002023-08-14T11:15:01.660-07:00"Confessions from Underwater"<p>Dear Reader, </p><p>It's been a minute since I posted something new on this blog. I want to update you on what we have been up to, and fill you in on my plans for the future.</p><p>Last week, Kendal came home for a visit for the first time since he moved to L.A. We have traveled to see him several times. Between the pandemic and his sporadic work schedule, it was harder for him to travel. </p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP58T7ArXEeIQ2MeYj54SI0D9D-79Kdsa6Rx5TC5akxmjQXcBH2uVJ98PIfBvDOOehc7SEOQz3PH6vKYC9U8QqfRUdsNA7e-o_k32RlcbQuuJ3bENucyE25rCXmS81uUXtTU_aqVBs2s0AQDslXC1YOvcA7KOTCyvxu7ryyZ5xAnHwJUfoHMwWt9dWS4py/s734/Resized_20230808_152916%20Copy.JPG" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="734" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP58T7ArXEeIQ2MeYj54SI0D9D-79Kdsa6Rx5TC5akxmjQXcBH2uVJ98PIfBvDOOehc7SEOQz3PH6vKYC9U8QqfRUdsNA7e-o_k32RlcbQuuJ3bENucyE25rCXmS81uUXtTU_aqVBs2s0AQDslXC1YOvcA7KOTCyvxu7ryyZ5xAnHwJUfoHMwWt9dWS4py/s320/Resized_20230808_152916%20Copy.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kendal, Me & Cole </td></tr></tbody></table><p>2021 was a rough year all around, because of Cole's mental health, adding Kendal back into the mix would have been spontaneous combustion. I have driven myself into the ground for these boys for many years. Now, I know my limits. Even though it's hard, I have learned I must have boundaries. If I didn't press the brakes, I would be completely broken by now.</p><p>2022 was the year for Kendal's crisis. Managing him from a distance was hell for me. I traveled back an forth to Los Angeles as often as I could. What used to be an enjoyable thing (going home and seeing my friends and family) became a bit of a nightmare. Both in L.A. and from Texas, I worked to pull resources together to help him get support. When I was at the end of my rope, I sent his father out there to help. He was shaken when he got home after seeing what a bad place Kendal was in mentally. Alan's visit pushed me into action to go back to L.A. and put a fire under the Los Angeles Regional Center to put together a plan of support. I may or may not have had to consult Disability Rights California to make things happen. </p><p>2023 has also been challenging for Kendal, but at least I knew that he was safe and has a caseworker who works with him several days a week. He lives close enough to my brother and sister for additional support. He also has an angel of a friend who loves and supports him. </p><p>He has grown in many ways but still has a long road ahead to realize his big dreams. I must say, I admire his resilience. Since he left home, he has been brave enough to move to two different cities (San Antonio and L.A.). He learned to navigate both cities on his own. All while I questioned my decision to keep him in L.A. <i>Every.Single.Day. </i> I cried myself to sleep many nights. Figuring out the line between supporting and rescuing is not an easy task for any mother.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP58T7ArXEeIQ2MeYj54SI0D9D-79Kdsa6Rx5TC5akxmjQXcBH2uVJ98PIfBvDOOehc7SEOQz3PH6vKYC9U8QqfRUdsNA7e-o_k32RlcbQuuJ3bENucyE25rCXmS81uUXtTU_aqVBs2s0AQDslXC1YOvcA7KOTCyvxu7ryyZ5xAnHwJUfoHMwWt9dWS4py/s734/Resized_20230808_152916%20Copy.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ-T06Qq84NTxKtvMNNgi1sHnPWL4lIcjhm0BHyUi_4CI1yNFCVpeasaasFYwns-6zBiPGckX3wk16hOZWmsidV-BzAKXpQoH7BQ-mufKobB6MyXaarLDyeCxqwN92Oj5WvnLQHEsNqmiBt1n0Y4O9JmB37939F6llWesnyvgGhLD93xo4PrcYYZbT1B7x/s1183/Resized_20230808_152956~4.jpeg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1183" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ-T06Qq84NTxKtvMNNgi1sHnPWL4lIcjhm0BHyUi_4CI1yNFCVpeasaasFYwns-6zBiPGckX3wk16hOZWmsidV-BzAKXpQoH7BQ-mufKobB6MyXaarLDyeCxqwN92Oj5WvnLQHEsNqmiBt1n0Y4O9JmB37939F6llWesnyvgGhLD93xo4PrcYYZbT1B7x/s320/Resized_20230808_152956~4.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kendal & Alan, 8/23</td></tr></tbody></table><p>Kendal is doing better now, thank God! It's still quite the job to make sure that he continues getting help from government resources like Social Security Disability. It seems their job is to make things difficult so that you will just give up. That's not an option for me. I constantly fight the thought of what happens to him when I die. This is why I try to teach him survival for when that day comes. I live for the day, he can become self-sufficient and not have to depend on beurocracy. </p><p>While he was in Austin, we drove up to Dallas so he could meet his nephew, Cayden and see his brother Adrian and Jasmine's new home.</p><p>Here at our house, he still wakes up at the crack of dawn. I do not. This time, he didn’t wake me up stomping down the stairs and slamming cabinets shut in the kitchen. He made his coffee quietly and sometimes left the house before I woke up. He was not disruptive at all! I’ll take this as a small win and will welcome him home more often. He and Cole spent one on one time together and it was beautiful. </p><p>He took the iniative to get together with several of his friends while he was here, including his favorite school administrator, Denise Geiger. She has worked with him since he was in 8th grade. He was one of her most demanding students, and now, they are friends. Denise has first hand knowledge of how difficult Kendal can be. She has to hold boundaries as well. Ultimately, she loves, cares and does not give up on him. He obviously feels the same about her. </p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidvVKcDJwsG3ANARJDJCWfQkpYIH08wRgVGWxKtwP5AYh8V9SmKzuPSSExoZKFPxLMG6L8nMrcnh-tfbC1XMTA80RzemUfYvHtd2apYxCQHriEgHVFS2sJgnf_uI3dUjigz9LZ68w2u59uP82OKqNGlOxAJniI8fp9RDKpWzC-_ZWU_EkxG09AW-YgAEK3/s3088/IMG_7476.heic" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3088" data-original-width="2316" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidvVKcDJwsG3ANARJDJCWfQkpYIH08wRgVGWxKtwP5AYh8V9SmKzuPSSExoZKFPxLMG6L8nMrcnh-tfbC1XMTA80RzemUfYvHtd2apYxCQHriEgHVFS2sJgnf_uI3dUjigz9LZ68w2u59uP82OKqNGlOxAJniI8fp9RDKpWzC-_ZWU_EkxG09AW-YgAEK3/s320/IMG_7476.heic" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kendal & Denise </td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p>Cole is 24 now. He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself. He is the exact opposite of his two brothers. </p><p>Seeing him smile makes my heart ♥️ happy because we don’t see it often. In fact, in this past couple of years, he completely lost his smile even though he was making a lot of progress in his life.</p><p>He is now working as a certified Mental Health Peer Specialist in Travis County. This can mean working with a challenging population of clients dealing with mental illness and/or recovery. </p><p>I am highly impressed with his self-awareness. He knew something was off with his ability to feel emotions and ability to focus. He researched and figured out what he needed, and went to his doctor with a plan for change. He asked for my support to back him up in his meeting with her. This is progress because he usually likes to do things on his own. I am glad that he trusted me. He has figured out when he needs support and when he doesn't. </p><p>THIS smile is worth a million dollars. Meet Uncle Cole and his nephew Cayden. Cayden makes all of us smile. Notice Cayden’s hand on Cole’s face. Sweet!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5mihbaXO2K7053nW3igh3Mfe5Twakp5J2jmog6ivjswU7SFqdTGDPoazjeWwx1WXOF2oMT5hYl36-1WGyBUb1sSvbyA7IkMArwVzzKkmmpMparKKpev_j4PSTWbcSY2tGcrlvVF9i7BBPADnMT992h5CT7_Fi_DqrxQ7gRwJY7I6j3PTge3ZuqwaaXNPZ/s3134/20230723_141635~3%20Copy.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3134" data-original-width="2649" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5mihbaXO2K7053nW3igh3Mfe5Twakp5J2jmog6ivjswU7SFqdTGDPoazjeWwx1WXOF2oMT5hYl36-1WGyBUb1sSvbyA7IkMArwVzzKkmmpMparKKpev_j4PSTWbcSY2tGcrlvVF9i7BBPADnMT992h5CT7_Fi_DqrxQ7gRwJY7I6j3PTge3ZuqwaaXNPZ/s320/20230723_141635~3%20Copy.JPG" width="270" /></a></div><p><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148);"><b>Writing and Growing </b></span></span></p><p>I'm taking a new direction with writing. I'm inching my way toward publishing a memoir. In December of 2022, I won the <a href="https://hogg.utexas.edu/black-family-mental-health-2020">New Voices Showcase </a> for the University of Texas, Austin, Hogg Foundation, and in April of 2023, I was published again by the <a href="https://hogg.utexas.edu/autism-and-mental-health">Hogg Foundation for Mental Health</a>. The response to these two essays, and the fact that I was paid, gave a much needed boost to my confidence. I am now a part of the "Writers Circle" for the foundation. </p>
<p>In July of this year, 2023, I launched a subscription newsletter, <a href="http://SUBSTACK.COM/@KARENWESLEYWRITER" target="_blank">"Confessions from Underwater," on SUBSTACK</a>. This is my pet project right now. If you support me by subscribing, you will never miss a post because it will come directly to your email inbox. <b>Signing up for a paid subscription ($5.00 per month) will help support my ongoing writing.</b> </p><p>Paid subscribers will have access to special perks such as subscriber-only posts, private community chats, and first access to excerpts from the memoir. You will be a part of thecore audience to give me feedback and help shape the memoir. <b>You also have the option to subscribe for free</b> which still helps me build my audience. </p><p>I've been writing here on this blog at no cost to my loyal readers since 2009. It was my therapy and survival mechanism while raising my sons through their teen years and transition into adulthood. Every second of writing here was well-spent. It helped me grow. It helped me stay sane. It was my community service to other parents of autistic children and made so many of you feel less alone in the world. This Blog and the support community are among my life's greatest accomplishments. </p><p>My goal is to grow my readership audience and have more control over distribution and marketing for my writing. I can no longer rely on the algorithms of social media outlets like Facebook and Instagram to market my writing. </p><p>If you would to see me publish a book with a traditional publisher or by self-publishing, I need to have the ability to reach out to you directly. Publishers want to know that you can sell books before they give you a book deal. Self-publishing is also a significant investment of time and resources. <b><i>It's good to know the potential success of a book before you spend years writing it. The more extensive my email list, subscribers, and followers on Social Media, the better chance of successful publication. </i></b></p><p>I am forever grateful for my loyal readers for supporting me all of these years. However you decide to support me in the future will help me continue to grow. </p><p>It turns out, you are never finished raising and supporting your kids who are on the spectrum, even when they become adults. The financial impact is lifelong. </p><p>I also continue to be the primary caregiver for my mother. Time that could be spent working to earn a salary is dedicated to helping manage the lives of three adults. I appreciate however you can support my endeavors. </p><p>With so much love, </p><p><br /></p><p>Karen </p><p>Subscribe to My Newsletter Here:</p><pre class="frontend-publish-settings-EmbeddableFormElement-module__codeBlock--anBRL" style="border-radius: var(--border-radius-6); box-sizing: border-box; color: var(--color-primary) !important; font-size: 20px; margin: var(--size-32) 0; padding: var(--size-16); position: relative; word-break: break-all;"><code style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; font-size: var(--font-size-16); line-height: var(--line-height-20); white-space: pre-wrap;">></code></pre><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-4021739565262344212022-09-11T09:17:00.006-07:002022-09-20T19:38:45.387-07:00Conversation with God <p><span style="font-family: georgia;"> <span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear God, Creator of the Universe, </span></span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-ec9d5b7f-7fff-5438-3563-11a5d0851b0a"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I appreciate you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">You see my family out here in the struggle to make it through. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The signs are all around us. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We are blessed by your favor. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Your angels appear out of nowhere. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">They watch out for us. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">They nurture and take care of us in the most unexpected ways. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">A few months ago, you brought a special angel into my son’s life. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I know this was your doing.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">There’s no other way to explain it. </span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I hate the situations he has lived through for the past two years. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Where he lives now is especially unsavory. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It’s a stressful environment. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It has such a negative impact on his mental health. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">One day out of nowhere, he decided to move from the house he was living in near USC into a sober living house in North Hollywood. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I was totally surprised. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He never told me that he applied for this place. And he tells me everything…so much more than I want him to. Even when he lies, and he does that a lot lately, he ends up telling the truth on himself days later. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Sober house? </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He is and always has been sober.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Yes. He is in the throes of some mental health challenges. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">One might even call it a crisis.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I can only guess that he wanted a place that felt safer than the boarding house where he was living at the time. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We now know that house near USC was heaven compared to where he lives now in Koreatown. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Of course, if you can’t get along with people, you will have trouble living anywhere where other humans dwell.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">For him, the fewer humans, the better. The fewer people to fight with. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">One Sunday, a few months ago while he was living in the sober house, he left the property to attend his church in Hollywood. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">When he came back to the train station in North Hollywood near the sober house, there was one of your angels waiting for him at the train station. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She was with a friend, a male. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The two of them were there “evangelizing.” </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">They saw Kendal with his bible getting off the train and started talking to him. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Lord, you know that I have issues with extreme religion because of my lived experience growing up. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The religion Mom got us involved with was extremely invasive faith. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I know she had her reasons. She was looking for a support system after my father left. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">There were good things about it that helped mold me into the person that I am today. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I definitely learned the bible.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We damn near had to recite it and then go door to door preaching it. <i>I hated that!</i> </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I realize now that men did some serious interpreting on their own while they were writing scripture. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">A lot of what they wrote is in their patriarchal favor. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;"><font size="4">When the word was written, men made sure that women would serve and give, putting their own needs </font>behind the needs of others. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;">I guess that was a sign of the times.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, thank you god…times have changed. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Remember when I was seventeen, and I told mom I couldn’t do the whole intense religion anymore? </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font color="#0b5394" face="georgia" size="4"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course, you remember. </span></font></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font color="#0b5394" face="georgia" size="4"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;">You were there.</span></font></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I ran away from that religion like I had a get-out-of-jail-free card!</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I began the journey of finding my own relationship with you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The tenets of the faith that I was forced into felt judgmental. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The judgment didn't feel like it came from you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">There was a lot of “answering to the elders” and “brothers and sisters” in the congregation. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I just couldn’t get with that. I knew that you could see my every step, even the bad ones.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; white-space: pre-wrap;">You read my heart. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;">You gave me grace. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;">I didn't think you needed little minions down here on earth to help you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I still have my faith in you and your son Jesus Christ. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It’s the Christians who have their hidden agenda who aren’t my vibe.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Here we are more than 40 years later, and my son is being pulled into a similar kind of religion like the one I hated growing up!</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is vulnerable to the interpretation of and hidden agenda of men who may not have his best interest in mind. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He can not see when he is being told something that is not the truth. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Just like all of the children who were hurt by the priest who was supposed to be serving you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Instead, they were serving themselves. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That angel you sent him —I had a conversation with her.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She is mature and has lived enough life to hesitate, to not become fully entrenched in this church. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She takes issue with how man-centered the church is. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It's not exactly her vibe. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She seems to think it may be okay for Kendal because he is a young man.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I don't subscribe to that logic, but I know it's not up to me.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">You will put him where you need him to be in his journey. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It will not be the same as mine. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Maybe he needs the structure of it.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He told me that he wants to submit to the elders, to </span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">which I replied, "That's surprising! You</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> have never wanted to submit to anyone in your entire life!" </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Maybe everything that is happening in his life that makes <b>me </b>uncomfortable is all a part of your plan. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am imperfect and human. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I want to understand everything, but I don't. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I trust that you </span></span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: georgia; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">are all-knowing. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I want to trust even more, but a part of my imperfection is trying to always be in control. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I know that control is <b>your</b> job, but sometimes I be trying to help you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I hear you whispering, “Sit down girl! I got this!” </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Kendal was at that train station at the exact moment where he otherwise would never have been.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He arrived at the train station on that one Sunday and his new friend, your angel was there. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">France has been nothing but a kind, gracious, loving friend to Kendal. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She talks to him with love and patience almost every day since they met. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And you know, this is no easy feat. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Im’ma be honest, it’s not easy to love or communicate with this kid. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He talks, and talks, and talks, mostly about himself.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The interesting thing is that with France, he also talks about your word in between talking about himself. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I asked you years ago to please send someone who would help take care of him, who he would listen to. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I was worn out! </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">You were listening. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I know, I was in such a hurry for it to happen. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That’s a flaw of which I am aware.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I'm working on it. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Kendal listens to France. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He takes her advice. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She is a mentor to him. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">T</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">he funniest thing about it is that Kendal does not typically listen to women.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thanks to YouTube, he has this whole “toxic masculinity” vibe going on right now. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Lord please enlighten him on that nonsense! </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Last month France showed up on his doorstep with 3 weeks’ worth of groceries. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">She and her daughter personally delivered them to him.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He was out of money. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He had pushed the family he has in Los Angeles to their limits. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He was cussing folks out, pounding them with his politics and rants.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And yet, by your grace, he was fed. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">When would send money, he spent it on his wants. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Then he would turn around and try to play me.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Talkin’ bout, I don’t have any food. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I had to hold boundaries </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I had to say no when he asked for money. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It was painful. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Kendal is one of the most argumentative people I’ve ever met, besides his father. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Sometimes, I seriously wonder what you were thinking when you put me together with these dudes. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am a giver. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><font color="#0b5394" face="georgia" size="4"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;">My husband is a giver. </span></font></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">My son is one of the neediest, taking-all-of-the-energy people I’ve ever met in my life! </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Do you really think I have this kind of strength?! </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I’m cracking, Lord!</span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He was such a lonely, unhappy child. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I over-compensated, trying to single-handedly give him all of the love and happiness that he was craving. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It was never enough.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It was never my job.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Sometimes I find it hard to understand your plan.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As his parents, we worked hard </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">pouring into him. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We stayed together hoping that having both parents at home would give him a better chance at happiness and success. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We fought to give him every opportunity -film camps, Christian Summer camps, swimming lessons, a supportive education. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Yet, he continues to struggle. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I never thought he would live in a crappy house away from home. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is surrounded by family, and yet, he is still alone because he shuts them out. </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Lord, I’m tired. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is hard to watch. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Holding boundaries and not swooping in to save him feels impossible --and </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">yet, I’m doing it. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This has to be your grace.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He has all kinds of angels. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Last month a doctor from a free clinic called to let me know what to expect from the medicine he prescribed. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Kendal told him how worried I was and gave his consent to let the doctor talk to me. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">A doctor calling a worried mother, long distance. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That like…NEVER happens!</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Overworked Social Workers and therapists have called to keep me informed beyond the call of duty. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">More miracles. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I worked for almost a year to help him get into the California Regional Center. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I was told it would be impossible. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It was a long, painful process. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He was approved last month. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He's waiting for a Case Manager. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That's you. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It's me too...but I probably would have given up if it weren't for your strength.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The Regional Center can give him the kind of support that he needs as an autistic adult. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Before all of this adversity, he may not have agreed to accept the help.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He was going through the phase of thinking that he doesn't need autism support. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">He's pretty close to rock bottom. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Prayerfully soon, he will get the kind of support that he would never get here in Texas.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It would be nice if you could put a little fire under the Regional Center tho. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Thank you for watching over him. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And please help me to let it play out.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">No swooping in, wrapping him in bubble wrap to make things more comfortable for him. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It is through adversity that character is created. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Through all of these challenges, this boy has shown resilience beyond my wildest dreams. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I thank you for that.</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Love always, Karen </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD3m7MtvXeqKMLfGkw3QjS6P-eAdC8ySV54bQtxClec0UKT68EMmn8CSjaScW-Of5SQBkeiCIdIEwXbTJ9MrEH0yFDByLtskUWq_jfn8WX102OLWFV3S7jYpIh7QCJGw0eyAitTbubLUVw2jrG46YpRbW4rzhatiZIBm7y2MpkQJczAaGp519kr9c0Ag/s2667/IMG_1170%20Copy.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2667" data-original-width="2320" height="320" id="id_e0b4_a245_5c80_f818" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD3m7MtvXeqKMLfGkw3QjS6P-eAdC8ySV54bQtxClec0UKT68EMmn8CSjaScW-Of5SQBkeiCIdIEwXbTJ9MrEH0yFDByLtskUWq_jfn8WX102OLWFV3S7jYpIh7QCJGw0eyAitTbubLUVw2jrG46YpRbW4rzhatiZIBm7y2MpkQJczAaGp519kr9c0Ag/s320/IMG_1170%20Copy.JPG" style="height: auto; width: 278px;" width="278"></a></div>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-12661345630284341102022-08-08T20:50:00.001-07:002022-08-11T10:14:04.898-07:00Dear Reader<p> </p><p>I miss writing in this space. </p><p>I love the total freedom of it. </p><p>I’m sure your life was on hold, chomping at the bit, waiting for my next post. (insert eye roll here)</p><p>When I write here, I’m not trying to impress anyone. </p><p>I’m not trying to build a big audience and earn money from my writing. </p><p><i>Lies. I always love to earn from my writing. </i></p><p><i>You may send all donations for all of the therapy I need to my <a href="https://paypal.me/wesleywrites?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US">Pay Pal</a>. </i></p><p><i>Have I told you how much money I spend on therapy just to exist in this family? </i></p><p>When I started this blog, writing was therapy. </p><p>I was just trying to survive raising two boys on the autism spectrum and one who is not.</p><p>Life continues to be challenging even though all three of them are adults (23, 26, and 34). </p><p>Autism parenting does not have a designated empty nest date or a finish line.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" id="id_502a_da27_c82a_e2d8" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFCK1AjTt0jhUYauYLhoASiXfKrgVNJ4SfVWVUkX6jR5WTnSnXZGMMpi5EKXE4CazveQ1KhsERDGDd4pjf3vi_G-kFDHeGyuPwBuvO8tXgEyr1kuP1n8sW_rw_-aa2S_mvNai8ldFUcAqsSk-FnGiiRnWWSyOrnG8zFEw3i64bgY2cvvyLW2SrFmgEYA/s1125/IMG_2393.PNG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1118" data-original-width="1125" height="318" id="id_c8dc_1345_9f68_76fa" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFCK1AjTt0jhUYauYLhoASiXfKrgVNJ4SfVWVUkX6jR5WTnSnXZGMMpi5EKXE4CazveQ1KhsERDGDd4pjf3vi_G-kFDHeGyuPwBuvO8tXgEyr1kuP1n8sW_rw_-aa2S_mvNai8ldFUcAqsSk-FnGiiRnWWSyOrnG8zFEw3i64bgY2cvvyLW2SrFmgEYA/s320/IMG_2393.PNG" style="height: auto; width: 320px;" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>My 3 Sons</i></td></tr></tbody></table><p><b><i><u>So...what's new with me? </u></i></b></p><p>Nothing is new. Everything is very old and tired. </p><p>I'm constantly in search of something new. So far, I haven't had much luck.</p><p>I haven’t been writing lately (other than journaling). </p><p>I’ve been stressing and depressing instead. It's hard to be creative when your mind is not functioning at 100 percent.</p><p>Having my 26-year-old autistic son who thinks he knows much more than he does, living away in Los Angeles has been a blessing and a curse —<i>mostly a curse</i>. </p><p>He makes sure that he remains in the forefront of my mind, whether he’s with me or miles away. </p><p>His life has been a roller coaster, and the ride is making me sick.<i> I know. I shouldn't even be on the ride. I</i> should extricate myself from his ups and downs. I am a work in progress. </p><p>He goes from having great jobs to quitting good jobs.</p><p>From being mentally healthy to sabotaging his mental health. </p><p>Up…down. Rinse and repeat. </p><p>It all affects me more than it should. </p><p>Like it or not, the yanking up and down of his life plays a part in my own mental health. </p><p>Summer depression has been an issue with me from the time we moved to Texas. </p><p>I hate the heat, and this year has been brutal, with temperatures over 100 degrees for months. It’s really pissing me off! </p><p>I am working on radical acceptance of this sucky situation. </p><p>Fighting with it is not changing it. Complaining about it is pitiful. I don't want to be pitiful. When I realize how long I’ve been complaining, I beat myself up for not doing something to change it. That’s an additional drain on my energy. </p><p>Tolerating a distressing situation is a part of life as an adult. </p><p>I remind myself that I have an air-conditioned home. I can choose <i>not </i>to leave my home during the heat of the day. </p><p>I work outside the house in the evening or when there’s cloud cover. </p><p>In caregiving for my mother, I end up running two households and five lives.</p><p>Dragging groceries and supplies in and out of my mother's apartment during the heat of the day is a dumb idea. </p><p>I stopped doing it. </p><p>Grocery shopping apps are my friend. (Except, half the time, they say items are not available that I know damn well are available. When this happens, I send my young, vibrant son to the store instead. He can take the heat.) </p><p>I have book dreams. I have dozens upon dozens of chapters and stories written. </p><p>The feeling that a goal is unreachable can make me shut down. </p><p>Being depressed and beating myself up about not writing makes me more depressed. </p><p>Editing my own writing is a nightmare. It always has been. It’s hard to find my own mistakes. </p><p>Add ADHD, anxiety, and one family crisis after another makes focusing on writing pretty damn difficult. </p><p>Building a writing career adds the pressure to be perfect. </p><p>Perfection can make me shut down. </p><p><b><i><u>He’s Married Now</u></i></b></p><p>I never wrote much here about our eldest son Adrian. He is not on the spectrum. </p><p>He is a college graduate and served in the United States Army Reserve. </p><p>I didn’t carry him in my uterus, but I raised him. He was just about 5 years old when I met his father. </p><p>Now, he is a grown-ass man with a son, a wife, and a mortgage. </p><p>It’s so nice to pull up to his house and see his success. (Even if his home is larger than ours and has the floor plan of my dreams).</p><p><i>No shade. I’m not hatin’.</i> </p><p>We want our children to be more successful than we are, right? </p><p><b><i><u>Granma status: </u></i></b></p><p>Adrian and his wife, Jasmine, made me a grandmother!!! </p><p>It is one of the most prestigious, pure joy-inducing jobs ever! </p><p>Cayden is two-years-old. </p><p>I am completely in love. </p><p>He is my sun. He's so pure and full of joy. </p><p>When Adrian and Jasmine had their wedding recently, the best part was taking care of my grandson while they were on their honeymoon! </p><p><b><i><u>23 and Me: </u></i></b></p><p>My twenty-three-year-old son is still living with us. </p><p>He is finding his way in the world. </p><p>He has been having what he called an “existential crisis.” </p><p>He’s such a deep thinker. </p><p>When the world slowed down, he found time to focus on the anxiety beneath the surface (kinda like the rest of us). </p><p>We all had time to think and examine the meaning and purpose of our lives in the last two years. </p><p>Leave it to my kid to teach me new things. </p><p>When I was twenty-three, I had no idea what an existential crisis was. </p><p>I was just swimming upstream, doing all of the things life expected of me. </p><p>I didn’t question everything the way he does. </p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"><i>Side note -When I was 23, I was madly in love with love. I was caught up in romance. There was no time or interest in reflecting on the meaning of life.</i></p></blockquote><p>These days both of us treat our mental health like it’s a full-time gig. Therapy, writing, reading, podcasts, and more therapy. </p><p>Therapy is one of our biggest household expenses. </p><p>He volunteers at a mental health support community called the <a href="https://austinclubhouse.org">Austin Club House</a>.</p><p>During his time there, he has developed even more empathy for those with mental health struggles, including the homeless. </p><p>In fact, he is leaning toward becoming a Peer Mental Health Advocate. </p><p>Recently, he answered the call for submissions to a mental health writing contest sponsored by the <a href="https://hogg.utexas.edu">Hogg Foundation</a> He won a monetary prize and is being published! </p><p>Maybe, I will follow in his footsteps. </p><p>I’m in a hurry for everything to happen for him. </p><p>He’s in a hurry for nothing. </p><p>His steps are measured and well thought out. </p><p><i>Note to self, </i></p><p><i>Life is not a race Karen. </i><i>This is his journey, not yours. It’s not your job to hurry things along. You have no control here. </i></p><p><i>It’s still like watching paint dry for a person like me who wants everything now! Patience used to be my strong suit. I don't know what happened. </i></p><p><b><i><u>The pain in my headache</u></i></b></p><p>If you’re wondering what oppositional defiance and autism look like in adulthood, it is a picture of my twenty-six-year-old son in the DSM-5. </p><p>He moved to Los Angeles in 2020 to pursue his dreams and escape us. He didn’t want our help financially (except he totally does, only on his terms). Accepting help from us would mean we might have something to say about his decisions. </p><p>He moved to live with my niece and her son. </p><p>However, he burned that bridge pretty quickly. </p><p>My siblings and family also live in L.A. </p><p>He has burned bridges with most of them. </p><p>My family is loving and supportive in the same ways that I am. </p><p>Turns out cussing people out and hanging up the phone on them is not acceptable.</p><p>Coming into someone’s home, not speaking, and then storming out because you don’t want to wear a mask around an older, immune-compromised adult is also unacceptable. </p><p>The blessing is California (a blue state) has more services and support. </p><p>He has the best Social Worker in the world (<b><i>me…for free</i></b>). </p><p>He does not appreciate or take full advantage of what I’ve tried to put in place to support him. </p><p>When an adult acts like he doesn’t want help, these agencies will not beat your door down to give it to you. </p><p>It kills his brother and me to watch him blow off support when so many here in Texas are desperately seeking help and can't find it. We know so many young adults who have no one to help them navigate an impossible mental health system. And yet, he has my support and more and could not care less. </p><p>Whatever I am for, he is against. </p><p>I’m not Christian enough. So why should he listen to anything I say? </p><p>He continues to be the person in my life who commands the most energy.</p><p>And yet, it’s uncanny that so far, he turns out to be the opposite of me. </p><p>I am love and peace. </p><p>He is fight or flight. </p><p>I avoid conflict. </p><p>He lives for it. </p><p>I tell him I don’t want to control his life. I just want to see him happy. </p><p>He tells me, “Life isn’t about being happy.” </p><p>It’s like he tries to make life as hard as can be. </p><p>Ask me for money. No. Problem. </p><p>Take advantage of the support that would help him not waste money. No. Thank you. </p><p>Recently he started attending an extremely conservative church.</p><p>When I asked him, “Why the change from the church in Hollywood that you enjoyed?” </p><p>He said, “That was one of those feel-good churches where they don’t preach the hard truth!” (Fire and damnation)</p><p>He is antagonizing and frustrating. </p><p>He is the main ingredient of my anxiety, worry, and heart palpitations.</p><p>I love him deeply —probably too deep for my own good. </p><p>Sometimes, I don’t know how I pull the love out of thin air for him, but I do. </p><p>Honestly, I don’t want to feel him deeply anymore. I’m so tired of carrying the extra weight.</p><p>I can tell you how hard it is to love him with no shame because more than one thing can be true at the same time. </p><p>There are so many moms in the world who are feeling horrible about how they can have feelings of animosity toward their adult child who causes them so much stress. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel. Love and hostility can co-exist. Love ideally wins. </p><p>As my friend and fellow writer <a href="https://carriecariello.com">Carrie Cariello</a> often says, “Autism is heartbreak by a thousand papercuts.” </p><p>I continue to work through burnout, which affects my energy reserves. </p><p>It affects my level of patience and ability to be a pleasant human.</p><p>Sometimes, I just have nothing left to give. </p><p>I want time just to be focused on myself after years of neglect. </p><p>Menopause only adds to my moodiness and emotionality. </p><p>My marriage is on life-support. </p><p>However, we finally found a black therapist who is culturally sensitive. </p><p>When we told her our story, her jaw dropped a few times. </p><p>But hopefully, she’s a miracle worker. </p><p><br /></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #073763;">Thank you, Dear Reader!</span></p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #073763;">You can read my son's published poem here <a href="https://hogg.utexas.edu/arent-i-a-human-being?fbclid=IwAR3QlfzDUUWHppyQ7wrJXBvj8quMxi-2e5xbNE_KVAbNqOKXRsTxNNdbAwM">The Hogg Foundation </a></span> </p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #073763;">You can also find my stories here on <a href="http://karenwesleywrites.medium.com">KarenWesleyWrites.medium.com</a></span></p></blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><div><br /></div>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-87708748581618480652022-04-12T15:57:00.005-07:002022-04-12T16:14:25.025-07:00I Have a New Home, Come on Over <p>Dear Loyal Reader, </p><p>Have you missed me here on this blog? Some of you have messaged me."What the heck, Karen? Did you stop writing on Confessions?" </p><p>I'm still here. I'm just trying to change my focus.</p><p>Recently, I have been writing on <a href="https://karenwesleywrites.medium.com">KarenWesleyWrites.medium.com</a> Medium is a digital reading platform where writers like myself have the opportunity to connect with readers from around the globe. It's also a writing platform where writers earn money for their work. </p><p>I hope that you will join me there. You can create an account by signing in with your social media account or email address. It's free to read a certain amount of stories per month. I also post a free "friend link" on my <a href="https://www.instagram.com/kwesleywrites/">Instagram,</a> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsofAnAspergersMom">Facebook Page,</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/KWesleyWrites">Twitter</a>. <i>Of course, you already follow me on social media, right? </i></p><p>On "Medium," you have the opportunity to engage and build a relationship with writers like me, who you love, by "clapping" on our articles, writing thoughtful responses, and highlighting your favorite passages. If you comment or ask a question, I will reply. You can also sign up to have my posts come directly to your email address. </p><p>If you enjoy reading great stories from writers from all over the world and want to support the art of writing, please consider signing up for a Medium membership. When you use my <a href="https://karenwesleywrites.medium.com/membership">membership link</a>, most of your monthly membership ($5.00) will directly support my writing. </p><p>Membership fees allow Medium to pay writers. You have unlimited access to all of the good stuff from other writers in your subjects of interest. <i>I mean, Barack Obama writes there. Yep! Me and Barack. </i></p><p>Thousands of writers have been writing in this digital format and earning a living (or at least a cup of coffee) with their work for years. </p><p>I started writing on "Medium" because want to change the focus of my writing since the boys are now adults. They have their own stories to tell. I want to diversify and write about mental health, wellness, self-care, and perhaps a few opinion humor and pieces.</p><p>I also hoped to change the focus of my life. They say what you focus on grows. <i>I don't know who "they" is, but... I thought </i>maybe if I stopped writing so much about parenting autism, the issues associated with it would disappate in my life. Imagine my disappointment when that didn't happen. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4pRngKbQohBFsUJszP-4UZJjEjCb1Fw3PD4YYrKlg5Clu5SriplNtJiaEByUjjcDRupvVu-YtZ37LTd1EYMYPGx2ZtcCRyHRGtDFa4EdEC3WR1b5wToZeIw-NVBU6vHaQ89LXEB1wUzoLQ_GbfnzzPm_ENmD-eAeZyVb9QsrgHkazpaC9QxxmjQIspQ/s640/transition.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4pRngKbQohBFsUJszP-4UZJjEjCb1Fw3PD4YYrKlg5Clu5SriplNtJiaEByUjjcDRupvVu-YtZ37LTd1EYMYPGx2ZtcCRyHRGtDFa4EdEC3WR1b5wToZeIw-NVBU6vHaQ89LXEB1wUzoLQ_GbfnzzPm_ENmD-eAeZyVb9QsrgHkazpaC9QxxmjQIspQ/s320/transition.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><p>The transition to adulthood is the hardest part of parenting autism. At least, that has been my experience. My boys are 23 and 26. I am exhausted. I have zero control over anything. I'm just a passenger with a first-class seat to watch them move their lives sideways, backward, and occasionally forward. I can not control their action or inaction, even if it impacts my stress level. </p><p>Autism continues to impact my life no matter what I write about. I will continue to be a voice for autism parents who walk this path. I have been writing this blog for nearly 12 years. I started writing to create autism awareness. I wanted to paint a picture of day-to-day life raising two teenage boys on the autism spectrum. They also happen to be black, growing up in a primarily white suburb of Austin, Texas. </p><p>From the start of this blog, my intention was not one of financial gain. I have earned pennies from my writing in this format. I was too stressed out, raising my sons and keeping them alive. There was no energy to consider monetizing my writing. I couldn't imagine adding the stress of writing deadlines, editors, and publishers' demands to my chaotic life. <i>Although, my close friends and husband strongly encouraged me to do so.</i> </p><p>People who are not writers think you're not a "real writer" unless you publish a book. I am published all over the internet. (<i>Google Karen Wesley Weaver)</i> I am one of the <a href="https://www.everydayhealth.com/autism/living-with/best-autism-aspergers-blogs-make-you-reconsider-everything-you-think-you-know-about-condition/">Top Ten Autism Blogs in 2020 by Everyday Health.com</a> My essays have been published in two books. I haven't made my first million dollars, so <i>that doesn't count, right? </i></p><p>Other people can not measure my payoff, success as a writer, a mother, or anything else I chose to do with my life. </p><p>At the beginning of this blog, the boys and I agreed that if our story helped one person feel less alone in this world, or allowed one person to be inspired to keep going, then it is worth it to share our story. </p><p>I write for my life and sanity. I come here when I have nowhere else to turn. This blog was a source of therapy when I didn't have a therapist. The writing is raw, with no sugarcoating or making it perfect and pretty. I'm trying to do that now on Medium, and let me tell you, my brain doesn't work so good anymore. Prolonged stress has changed my brain. Still, I try. </p><p>I just celebrated my 57th birthday. I'm in menopause. Hormonal imbalance finds me crying at the drop of a hat. I'm tired. My mental health is in the toilet. It's hard to know what is caused by what and what to do to make things better. </p><p>My biggest job in autism parenting has become holding boundaries while trying to move my sons towards independence. Of course, I have zero control over this outcome. The only person I can control is me. That has always been true. It just slaps me in the face now. </p><p>All we can do is build ourselves up with self-compassion, self-love, and self-care. I will be writing about it along the way. Maybe someday, I can pay for all of the therapy we need with my writing earnings. Ha! </p><p>I appreciate you for always supporting my work. </p><p>Love, </p><p>Karen </p><p>You can also find all of my links, including one for a direct donation to support my work on <a href="https://linktr.ee/KarenWesleyWrites">My Linktree</a>. <br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-33544618225159461002021-06-11T13:26:00.010-07:002023-04-02T10:25:59.156-07:00Unhappy Anniversary<p>I can’t do it. I can’t pretend that our 27th Wedding Anniversary was actually happy. I have a "thing" with people who post the “fabulous life” on social media as if life is all roses. This phenomena that has taken over our lives can lead to some of us feeling more depressed than ever. The reality of most of our lives has plenty of thorns, weeds and dirt. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL8sxdu3am2UKOlMwf9CrNOVgVjsqkwVrzmkYy6gTgcYophd3Qehg35YMt61PIqoTGV7hrEUBq7su9-OH-YtzsqtMdIx21Qk1WrdV5PXZd8ID49LdbR_2bJ2xx09VHC_fQly3zuHxPK5zk/s1994/8AB10C1B-2525-4B72-A435-93469F0FEB45.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1741" data-original-width="1994" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL8sxdu3am2UKOlMwf9CrNOVgVjsqkwVrzmkYy6gTgcYophd3Qehg35YMt61PIqoTGV7hrEUBq7su9-OH-YtzsqtMdIx21Qk1WrdV5PXZd8ID49LdbR_2bJ2xx09VHC_fQly3zuHxPK5zk/s320/8AB10C1B-2525-4B72-A435-93469F0FEB45.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Yes. I posted this pic on social media of the two of us having our moment --dinner at our favorite restaurant. <p></p><p>Yes. We were both smiling pleasantly. (<i>I was acting, mostly. I haven't felt like smiling in weeks). </i></p><p><i>*Get it together Karen! You're at our favorite place. This is fine dining. The food will be delicious! We can even afford this...sorta. We made it! Married 27 freakin years! Smile. Dammit! Be happy.</i> </p><p>My husband, Alan always has that dazzling smile. He’s so good-looking and such a charmer. His public persona is impeccable. Everyone says, “He’s the nicest guy they’ve ever met." He has a loving, giving, open heart. I love that about him.</p><p>Of course, there are two sides to every story and every Gemini. </p><p>I know all truths are that are hidden beyond my husband's smile. He struggles through this life like any black man does. He is always proving to the world that he isn’t your average black man. He's none of the stereotypes. He’s not your average man.period. </p><p>How many men do you know who actually stay in a marriage for 27-years with the stress of providing for and raising three boys, two on the autism spectrum? My husband is human, flawed, with moods, inner struggles and insecurities just like the rest of us, despite his charm and dazzling smile. </p><p>He’s a better actor than I am though. I am beyond the whole “acting happy” stage of life. I have very few fake smiles or f*@%s to give these days. </p><p>We had a happy “moment” for our anniversary. I’m thankful for that. The food at Eddy V’s was beyond delicious. We shared a perfect crabcake, a Ceasar salad (which always brings back a memory of my dad. He always made the real deal Caesar with anchovies, from scratch.) Halibut topped with avocado, crab and Panko bread crumbs. </p><p>My French 77 cocktail/s (with vodka instead of gin) helped me smile and enjoy the moment. His perfect Old-Fashion cocktails helped him relax. </p><p>When we got home and tried to wind down, the anniversary was not genuinely happy. The truth is, we have mental health issues in our home. Mental health or lack thereof, can steal the glory of the actual “happy” like a shameless thief. It can ruin the party in the blink of an eye.</p><p>After this year of CoVid, pandemic, quarantine, social isolation, work-at-home, college-at-home, unemployment, and racial tension, my mental health is in the toilet, swimming in shit. <i>Such a pretty metaphor, isn't it? </i></p><p>I will not speak in detail of my adult children, but their mental health, or lack there of, impacts my mental health. It has been a shit-show of a year. I am holding on to life by my fingernails. </p><p>The other day I wrote a journal entry that would scare most people if you read it, depending on how you interpret it. I cursed everybody out! I called out all of complete bullshit that has been effecting my life for years now. I have been living the stress for 4 other adults, problem solving, feeling their emotions, (<i>empath</i>) listening like a therapist who lives with her clients. It feels like they continue to ask me for more, and even if they don't ask, I give it. My letter was saying goodbye to that b.s. </p><p>I don't want to end my life. What I want is to actually start living it fully...in peace. I’m mature enough to realize that life has really awful moments, but you get up the next day and try to make it better than yesterday. You grow. You stretch. You say goodbye to what no longer serves you. You work to create the life you want, even though you’re exhausted. You don’t give up. </p><p>You keep working through the pain, and along the way, you encourage others to keep going, to take care of ourselves, to forgive ourselves for the places where we fall short. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-Drmk4Ouak2QV4jnL_OlQrVk7fy42SZswj5Y9D3kAtjUbXMGbF1kDFXe-ptWXqtwOnYMl7aBCCyYzqVDVokWooeofXDD_BapjyijTjdbtjFaXz_vxUyiMxIpVD-wqwhFQOXSYEc7UxBmj/s872/9FA0AC88-56FF-444D-B418-641DB27E0985.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="872" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-Drmk4Ouak2QV4jnL_OlQrVk7fy42SZswj5Y9D3kAtjUbXMGbF1kDFXe-ptWXqtwOnYMl7aBCCyYzqVDVokWooeofXDD_BapjyijTjdbtjFaXz_vxUyiMxIpVD-wqwhFQOXSYEc7UxBmj/w275-h320/9FA0AC88-56FF-444D-B418-641DB27E0985.jpg" width="275" /></a></div>Back in high-school, I remember my English teacher called me "Florence Nightingale." He told me to sit down and stop helping everybody. “No one asked you to do that,” he said. <p></p><p>You didn’t need to ask for my help for me to give it to you. This kind of thinking can lead to a woman’s undoing. *Burnout and cumulative stress can end in physical and mental illness. Stress can lodge in your body as heart disease, high blood pressure, and cancer. </p><p>As a caregiver, mother to adults on the autism spectrum, and wife of 27 years, I work continuously to create and keep boundaries; to find mercy for myself. I <b><i>practice</i></b> self-love, self-compassion, and self-care. We keep practicing until we get it right. </p><p>Some people will take your last breath if you’re willing to give it to them. My adult children will probably stand over my grave and yell, “but Mom, I need…” </p><p>I work hard every day to say yes to myself. It’s not easy. </p><p>Will you come on the journey with me? </p><p>*"Burnout -The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle" (Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Amelia Nagoski, AMA, 2020) </p><p><a href="https://amzn.to/3pOKt7U" target="_blank">My Amazon Store</a><br /></p><p><br /></p>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-4204606148311642442021-03-27T12:26:00.005-07:002021-03-29T09:03:10.780-07:00Aspie From Maine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPxweU-ubt9zm7kVHqtaB3gusUHNKUUoYbR2x0l5KRb7O0JLiEGvEWKsU6LrAHeAfrjPYUWzoGplEmaDNTcVEJsFyQ-2d8qPIvieuq_NYlIb2CpVtwM-NStGqbmsvapWy_125fRYlEUOUN/s1125/IMG_9067.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="1125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPxweU-ubt9zm7kVHqtaB3gusUHNKUUoYbR2x0l5KRb7O0JLiEGvEWKsU6LrAHeAfrjPYUWzoGplEmaDNTcVEJsFyQ-2d8qPIvieuq_NYlIb2CpVtwM-NStGqbmsvapWy_125fRYlEUOUN/s320/IMG_9067.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><p>My friends on social media are real. Recently, I lost one of them. I met Kate Goldfield through this blog. Kate was a fellow blogger, the author of <a href="http://aspiefrommaine.blogspot.com/">"Aspie from Maine"</a>. She wrote about life in her twenties, living with Aspergers. She was one of my earliest readers when I started writing 12 years-ago. </p><p>The boys were teens at the time. I was mostly at my wits end and would write like this was a diary of confessions. As my dad would say, I would tell "the natural truth." Unedited. Especially, in the beginning. I had no idea what I was doing really.</p><p>Kate would comment and help me with insight into what the boys may have been feeling and experiencing from the perspective of someone living with Aspergers. We became Facebook friends. We were also in several autism support groups together. Support groups on Facebook can be a lifeline for the autism community. It can be one of the only ways we connect with people who really understand the journey we are living. </p><p>Kate was always supportive of my blog which made me think, <i>maybe I'm doing something right</i>. In fact, if you visit <a href="http://aspiefrommaine.blogspot.com">Kate's blog </a>, I am first on the list of blogs that she likes. (<i>Yes. That makes me feel like I was seen.)</i> </p><p>Kate was very active in the online Autism Community both with parents and other adults on the spectrum. I think she would be delighted to know how many of us were touched by her life and devastated by her death.</p><p>Last weekend, she was having difficulty breathing due to asthma. We all knew because like me, she posted about everything! She was wrestling with the decision to go to the E.R. or not. Many of her online friends were encouraging her to go. But she had a lot of anxiety about the medical system. It had failed her so many times. Over the years, there were countless doctors who did not believe her. They would dismiss her symptoms and send her away with no answers. Which of course, made her feel worse. There were so many medications prescribed that did not address her needs, or didn’t agree with her chemical sensitivities. It was a major source of frustration. </p><p>The family made a statement on her Facebook page on Monday, March 22nd, 2021. </p><p>“Kate finally went to the ER today and while she was there she went into cardiac arrest and died. The doctors don’t know what caused her to crash so quickly and are going to recommend that the medical examiner does an autopsy.” </p><p><b style="font-style: italic;">Wait what! WTF?</b> --my initial reaction. </p><p>Personally, I believe there were many contributing factors to her cause of death. One was was a medical and mental health system that failed her. Case Workers who said she wasn’t bad off enough to receive help. A government that doesn’t prioritize marginalized communities and adults with disabilities. A local support system that wasn't enough for her many challenges. </p><p>*Disclaimer <i>(This is the picture Kate painted of her life through her posts and private messages. It is not my intention to blame any one party.)</i></p><p>The family’s statement made reference to her "looking so peaceful." As if that might comfort those of us reading it. In anger I thought, <i><b>Hell yeah she looked peaceful! She was finally resting after an exhaustive struggle! </b></i></p><p>I was sad, hurt, a little angry and afraid. Her early death made me think of my sons who are high-functioning, young adults on the spectrum. High functioning can be such a illusory term. Meaning well-spoken; often highly intelligent. Society often doesn’t see, or can disregard how much their skills of daily living can be affected, and how many challenges they face.</p><p>A young adult who is “high-functioning” may be able to get the highest of S.A.T. scores, and yet have tremendous difficulty managing day to day life as a college student. All of the deadlines, and projects must be time-managed in order to be completed on time. For the first time they may also be managing their daily lives without the support of their family. </p><p>Another "high-functioning" young adult may function well in a work environment where there is a distinct routine or work that requires hyper-focus. And yet, they may find it impossible to navigate things like, living on their own, budgeting, and paying bills on time. Because of limited social communication, they can be highly vulnerable and easily taken advantage of.</p><p>(<i>I personally know several “highly functioning” adults who have been scammed out of large amounts of money</i>.)</p><p>We have a family friend (lets call him Michael). He is 21 years-old. He just completed an Associates degree program. He is struggling, caught between a rock and hard place, desperately wanting independence as most young-adults do. Anxiety makes him hesitant to move into the career he studied for. So he remains in an entry-level position on a job that he doesn't like. He doesn’t have all of the skills for independent living. He’s impacted by depression, fighting hardest against the people who love him most. He feels a lifetime worth of anger, disappointment, restricted freedom (<i>from his perspective</i>) and a lot of social rejection. It can take a long time for someone on the spectrum to get over the nightmare of high school. Sometimes, his perception can make his life<i><b> feel </b></i>even more difficult. It is nevertheless, his reality. </p><p>My own 25-year-old son on the autism spectrum can be “<b><i>a lot</i></b>” to deal with. He talks and asks questions incessantly. He used to blow up my phone every-time he was angry or upset about something. He complains about so many things. I think constantly thinking of something to be angry about has got to be exhausting. He has a flair for drama, which I have come to understand and can read. But, I worry. </p><p>"<i>Will he be believed by others in his life when something is terribly wrong</i>?" </p><p>He is the epitome of the boy who cried wolf. </p><p>As he matures, his quest for constant attention has gotten better. Still he wants to be seen and heard. He doesn't seem to care whether it's positive or negative attention. Attention is like oxygen to him. As his mother, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I try to listen, but even with that, it is a real journey of setting and keeping boundaries for the sake of my own mental health. And I think, I am one of the most patient people on earth! (<i>At least I used to be before they fried my nerves.) </i></p><p><i style="font-weight: bold;">What will happen to him if I’m no longer here? Will the rest of the world have the time and patience to deal with his difficult personality? </i>A question many autism parents ask. </p><p>I watched my very real, Facebook friend struggle this past year. She would write posts daily, practically screaming to be heard. The isolation of quarantine in 2020 was difficult for many of us. Those of us with mental health issues were heavily impacted by the level of isolation. </p><p>Kate messaged me a month ago. She asked, "Will it be okay if I PM and we could have a convo cus I feel like I could learn a lot from you? But if not that is okay you probably have your hands full." </p><p>I had to level with her, ”I’m not always in a good place myself and I don't have all of the answers. But I will listen and respond when I have the capacity to give you a thoughtful reply.” </p><p>At the very least I wanted let her know that <b>she was both seen and heard,</b> despite her extensive list of troubles. </p><p>I told my 22 year-old son on the day that she passed, that<b> people like Kate have been a large part of my purpose in this life</b>. Through writing our story, I met Kate and many young-adults on the spectrum who were struggling through the teen years and young adulthood. Some of them had parents who from their perspective, were not supportive. They write to me when they are facing a challenge, or just want to be heard. It's one of the things I'm most proud of in this life. </p><p>I hope and pray that someone reading this will reach out to a person who is struggling, no matter how difficult their personalities may be. You can have boundaries and still support someone with autism or mental health issues. See them. Hear them. </p><p>I see you Kate. I will never forget you. 💔😢</p><div><br /></div>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-67934609285572276422021-03-18T12:14:00.004-07:002021-03-18T12:17:02.618-07:00On Pages<span id="docs-internal-guid-4da44695-7fff-536f-574b-45b4c12b6248"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXy60xRmJOqD0mnL2QFFToWebkhNMTq8fvuStmro3Cbguq5LlsvA-xCirZRytdn1Py30_20Yszt56qB_GWs1g3jeT69pSaNy_t7gquddoKTSoxXCr-vTRuvgV0kE_rZIC0nHqdNx-EpIiO/s1440/C62F252E-50A2-4D7A-A46F-146E6EB62B67.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1439" data-original-width="1440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXy60xRmJOqD0mnL2QFFToWebkhNMTq8fvuStmro3Cbguq5LlsvA-xCirZRytdn1Py30_20Yszt56qB_GWs1g3jeT69pSaNy_t7gquddoKTSoxXCr-vTRuvgV0kE_rZIC0nHqdNx-EpIiO/s320/C62F252E-50A2-4D7A-A46F-146E6EB62B67.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Inside my head </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Absence of sun</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Swimming in murky water </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Upstream where there's light</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Self-help by the ounce </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On pages</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writers -friends</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I love you</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thank you </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You nurture me </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Comfort me with optimism </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Speak to me in silence</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(19, 79, 92); white-space: pre-wrap;">Remind me what I know</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take me on journeys</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As I sit in stillness</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are therapy </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On pages </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life’s prompts and prose</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sun, earth, moon, eclipse</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Self-love cultivation </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Reading is water</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Water is self-care </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writing words </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On pages </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Elicit kindred souls </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fellow travelers </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">on my perpetual journey</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perpetual -sexy </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Everlasting </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Neverending </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Incessant </span></p></span><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /><p> </p>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-85627304274018577422021-01-28T13:09:00.003-08:002021-01-29T09:33:13.733-08:00Not Amanda Gorman<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPRrvuNu-QjakfLValcLS6Bp6MH8e_nLhsoSPdpJ8Rqg-kQbQ6W2pEPfv2CwQBwqpG_DtKgYCcmQu_dNkbAL0If8hSw73qgquT4o-HBsgm0dvnAfi3ZGhaUCLHJARlVQOK-Sd9PDmmImTX/s4032/IMG_8471.HEIC" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPRrvuNu-QjakfLValcLS6Bp6MH8e_nLhsoSPdpJ8Rqg-kQbQ6W2pEPfv2CwQBwqpG_DtKgYCcmQu_dNkbAL0If8hSw73qgquT4o-HBsgm0dvnAfi3ZGhaUCLHJARlVQOK-Sd9PDmmImTX/s320/IMG_8471.HEIC" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>I
walk outside my front door on a crisp, January, afternoon. The fresh air
and the Texas sun envelop me. </div><div><br /></div><div>“This feels so good,” I think to myself. It’s
amazing what fresh air and sun can do for the mood. </div><div><br /></div><div>I play in my garden for a
few minutes, cutting overgrown Big Blue Lilyturf plants, and pinching back
golden pansies with a splash of purple, hoping to make them stand tall
and appear fresh. </div><div><br /></div><div>The picture above is my cute, outdoor, office set-up for the day. Harry, my dog is sitting peacefully next to my colorful pouf, and teal-blue, painted, Adirondack chair. It was my Instagram picture of the day. I used it in my “story” with no description. Just “prettiness.” </div><div><div><br /></div></div><div>It may have reached seventy-degrees, on this beautiful day but the intense Texas sun
made it feel at least ten degrees warmer. </div><div>I think to myself, “How lucky am I
to be able to create out here?” </div><div>*This is the "trying to be positive and grateful me."</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I think, “It sure would be nice to have a
more private outdoor space in my backyard?” Which is currently a train wreck. </div><div>*This is the real me. </div><div><br /></div><div>The real story is, I need to escape the
noise inside the house. I need to escape these people in my house (my family). </div><div><br /></div><div><b>#workathome </b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>My husband, Alan, works
from home as he has for several years now. Except for this past year, there is
zero business travel. Zero as in nada! Business travel has been the saving grace
of our marriage for 26 years. Absence keeps you from killing each other. <i>Isn’t
that how love works?</i></div><div><br /></div><div>During this 27th year of marriage and pandemic
togetherness, our success tool has been banned. My loving husband is here having
one boisterous conference and Webex call, after another, from the time I crack
my eyes open in the morning, until well into the evening. His “office” is right
outside my bedroom door in our open-floor-plan family room, which allows his
voice to carry throughout the entire house, all.day.long. </div><div><br /></div><div>Can you feel my eyes
rolling out of my head? </div><div><br /></div><div><b>#collegeathome </b></div><div><br /></div><div>Cole, my 22-year-old son is doing college
classes in my kitchen, which is adjacent to my Writing room where there is
also no door to close as of yet. My writing room is actually our dining room, which was converted into my
mother’s “temporary” bedroom, <i>for ten-years!</i></div><div><br /></div><div>As of this summer, I converted it into my Yoga/Writing/Happy Place (only so far it's minus the happy). It's happy when there is quiet in the house, which is rare, or when I’m
wearing my noise-canceling earphones. </div><div>(Feel free to send donations to the
Get-Karen-A-Door fund. See the link below. Kidding. There is no link below,
though perhaps there should be.) </div><div><br /></div><div>There is an advantage to college-at-home. He
gets to class on time every day. I get to hear how brilliant he sounds during
his Philosophy class discussions. I see and hear his leadership and fearlessness up
close. I would never see this if he was on a college campus or in a dorm room.
(<i>Dear Lord, why isn’t he in a dorm room?</i>) </div><div><br /></div><div>This is remarkable for the boy who
dropped out of college because of anxiety after the first year. The deadlines,
the organization, the waking up in time for class, was all just too much for him right out of high school at 18. </div><div><br /></div><div>The disadvantage to college-at-home? Way too much family
togetherness. We are a family unit of three <b>#athometogether</b> all.of.the.time! My son has become the second husband, I never wanted.</div><div><br /></div><div>Everyone is constantly, consistently, aware of what the other person is doing,
saying, eating, drinking, and using the bathroom. There is the uninvited personal
commentary to go along with all of the minding each other’s business all.day.long.
Every.day. For almost a year now! </div><div><br /></div><div><b>#createathome </b></div><div><br /></div><div>I am a writer who creates at
home. Well...who tries to create at home. When I’m not working on healing and my mental health. Occasionally, I do write something decent. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have this successful
blog, which is ready for a re-vamp and re-launch. (<i>Help</i>!) I’ve published stories on countless
websites about parenting, autism, and mental illness. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am a writer, with a
terminal compulsion to string words together and tell stories. (Lately, most of the stories are only on Instagram and Facebook.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday, I discovered that I am not Amanda Gorman. I was so inspired by this young, black girl and her
poem at the Inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on January 20, 2021. I have listened to her recitation more than once and thought, <i>“I can do that. I can
inspire the world with my words. That is my purpose! That is my journey!”</i> </div><div><br /></div><div>Only,
that didn’t happen in the pretty picture setup of my outdoor writing space yesterday. I
sat and I wrote six-pages of what felt like total crap, otherwise known as a
shitty-first-draft. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Will I try to publish it as a personal essay? </i></div><div><i>Will, I ever
put a complete book of my stories together? </i></div><div><i>Do I have enough focus and drive to
make that happen?</i></div><div><i>Is my fatigue from trauma, PTSD, ADHD, lack of focus, and
self-sabotage, standing in my way? </i></div><div>I won’t bore you with all of the negative
self-talk that runs through my head when I write. </div><div><br /></div><div>I kept writing, going at it
for hours because the sun felt so good on my skin. I had so much to say, or so I thought. I was
translating from a journal entry, which the day before was an awesome spark.
Only once I started typing, it all felt forced and disjointed. I worked to make it make sense. I don't think it ever did. </div><div><br /></div><div>Finally, hours later, I walked away from it. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my
face brushed my hair and gathered groceries to take around the corner to
my mom’s apartment. </div><div><br /></div><div>My mother (my employer who does not pay) calls with something she “needs” from me every.single.day. Even when she doesn't really need anything. It’s
attention-seeking behavior. Every adult in my family does it. They are constantly seeking my
attention. </div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday she needed paper plates from my pantry, chicken wings, from my
freezer, frozen taquitos, and forty-dollars’ worth of quarters, from the bank of
my husband, for her elderly neighbor who can not easily get to a real bank. </div><div><br /></div><div>(<i>Tootie, mom's neighbor, needs the quarters to wash her clothes in the coin-operated
laundry room in their Independent Living Senior apartments. She washes her clothes
in the laundry room, where three out of four lights are burned out, and nobody
(the management) has done anything about it because according to Tootie, “No one
cares about seniors.”</i>)</div><div><br /></div><div>My privileged mother, (otherwise known as E<i>mployer, who doesn't pay, but</i> always in dire need of services rendered by me) has her own, personal, washer and dryer inside of her apartment. She also has a wonderful, <b> paid</b> caregiver, who comes in to actually "do" her laundry. (<i>I digress.) </i></div><div><br /></div><div>I crawl in
bed last night. I swear I will not write another word tomorrow. Nope. I'm definitely no Amanda
Gorman. </div><div><br /></div><div>In fact, there are days I don’t know who I am or what it is that I’m doing and
feeling.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Is this a mid-life crisis? Do women have those?</i> </div><div><br /></div><div>Last week I wanted to leave my family. I
mean seriously...divorce. All of them. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Is this p.m.s.? Is this perimenopause?
Menopause</i>? It’s hard to tell because the periods haven’t completely gone away.
They taunt me. One month it’s here. The next month? Maybe. And then...bam!
Here the mother f*#%er is again! </div><div><br /></div><div>Whatever it is, that I’m going through, half
the time I feel crazy, confused, and moody. I hate everything and everyone,
especially the people I love. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Is this pandemic/quarantine blues?</i> </div><div><br /></div><div>People aren’t
talking so much about it anymore, but it is still the elephant in the room that is making us all lose it. My house has become increasingly smaller because of this god-dammed, pandemic, elephant taking up space, squeezing me closer to these people I live with. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is happening just at a time when I hoped to have an empty nest. I thought I might have a little freedom from the
responsibility of taking care of adults, deciding what they will eat and how it will all magically appear before them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Today I woke up thinking, I will just take
care of the laundry list of boring as f*#% <i>to do’s</i>. Maybe I can be successful at the laundry, grocery shopping, and hunting down a CoVid vaccine appointment for my mother. </div><div><br /></div><div>But alas, I woke
up inspired to write this lovely blog entry for those of you who may also be
feeling a little bit of pandemic, quarantine, p.m.s., menopausal, compulsion to
divorce your family. </div><div><br /></div><div>I love you,</div><div> ~Karen </div><div>Not <i>that</i> Karen, </div><div>Not Amanda Gorman</div><div>The one & only Karen Wesley, Writer </div>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-11816119167216871102020-10-29T11:46:00.002-07:002020-12-29T09:21:13.907-08:00Sunday's Dance <p><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nothing makes me dance on a Sunday morning like being alone in my own house. </span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-59e31227-7fff-695f-82ef-f763f1b5977f"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As my husband leaves to go to my mom’s apartment I yell, “</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stay extra long! Will ya?</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">” He doesn’t see the humor in my snarkiness. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bless him. He has it within his heart to go to my mom’s apartment every Sunday morning, so that they can stream church together. I do not have it within my heart. I no longer do things out of a sense of obligation, if I can choose not to. I did that for too many years to count. I have the scars of resentment to prove it. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They started watching church together when my mom lived here in our home. It’s a Baptist church out of Baltimore, Maryland where my husband’s family lives. During the week our house would be filled with screaming, arguing, and constant talking. The last thing I wanted on Sunday morning was to have someone screaming the gospel at me. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No thanks. I would rather talk to God, quietly through prayer and in my journal. I </span><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">don’t need the constraints of formal Christianity, which comes with side order of hypocrisy for many Christians. My relationship with God and my spirituality are not for world consumption or approval. I admit there is still a bit of a sting leftover from the over-saturation of a childhood consumed by organized religion. There was no freedom of choice until I turned 18 and had enough. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was my mother’s primary caregiver while she lived here. She came to live with us “temporarily” during the height of the teen and adult-transition years for my sons on the autism spectrum. Temporarily turned into ten years of me being so overwhelmed with keeping my children alive and mentally healthy. I didn’t have time to think of ulterior living solutions for my mother. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel the heart palpitations when think about what a nightmare it was when everyone lived here together. I’m still in therapy trying to get over that trauma. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had to have my son, Kendal move out when he was 19. He just could not be contained within this house, along with 4 other adults. He moved into a situation that I wasn't all that comfortable with at first. However, it served a purpose. It was healthier for us to live apart. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thankfully, he moved to San Antonio to work and live with his older brother 18 months later. Now, he lives in Los Angeles with my niece. The fact that he has a soft place to land is on my gratitude list every.single.day. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Late last summer, I was doing the happy dance after I was able to orchestrate everything so we could move my mother around the corner into a senior-living apartment. She took the last of the Sunday morning noise along with her, along with the landline phone that would ring all living day long. The calls were mostly solicitations or Kendal calling back home to report every tragic life experience and emotion. You know, like frustration over missing the bus or overcooking the chicken to the point of extreme dryness. My heart rate would go up every time the phone rang. A trauma response from years of phone calls with bad news on the other end. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When Mom lived with me, it turned out that the more I did for her as her daughter and caregiver, the more she wanted me to do, and the less she was willing to do for herself. It wasn’t mentally healthy for either one of us. I felt constantly overwhelmed and stressed. Sometimes, I would hide in my room just </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“not”</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not to be asked to do something when she laid eyes on me. I would go to a bar after yoga so I didn’t have to come home to work. I didn't want to answer the questions, as an adult in my own home, “<i>Where are you going? What are you doing? What are you eating? What are you drinking?</i>” </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As fate would have it, my mother reached a point where she could no longer climb the stairs to get to the shower in our two-story home. The arthritis in her knees had become progressively worse. Anxiety made her believe that everything was impossible.</span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hired home-health therapists to come in and help her build her strength and confidence. I knew her days were numbered in this house. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was finally able to find her own, fully-accessible, apartment. She has a friend/caregiver come into her apartment to help with cooking, cleaning, and bathing. S</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">he now has her very own, private, quiet, space where she keeps the temperature around 80 degrees. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">She doesn’t have to stumble over our stuff or be inconvenienced by my disorganization. She doesn't have share the guest bathroom with our son’s friends, who just might pee on the toilet seat when they come to visit. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">She is happy with her space and I am thrilled about the doors that close between us. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The burnout from years of caregiving for my mother and my young adult sons, left me with no choice other than to draw strong boundaries between myself and my family. The experience of over-giving had kept all of us from growing.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I reached a point where my body would not allow me to do it anymore. I had neglected my own needs in order to take care of theirs for far too long. The of damage to my soul turned to anger, rage and resentment. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It took a lot of years of therapy to figure this all out. When everyone was here together, I didn’t have the wherewithall to address how my own mental health was being affected. I continue to work to hold my boundaries as my dependents work to encroach upon them. I’m still responsible for them, but from a healthy distance. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our family has </span><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">lived in this house for over twenty years. Most of those years were extremely loud, and incredibly close. </span><i style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">As in, too many of us with too many agendas, opinions, feelings, and emotions, all living within earshot of each other</i><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For me it was like being on-call 24/7, living with some very needy, non-paying, clients. It was like playing whacamole, putting out one fire, and then the next, with very little time to catch my breath inbetween.</span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As women, mothers, daughters, and wives, we are conditioned to give from the time we are in our early teen years. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do the things that you are asked to do. Go to church. Get baptized because it’s time to give your life to God. Please the Elders in the church. Everyone is watching. Give your time in order to please others. You want to be well thought of in our community. Follow the example of Christ. Don’t embarrass your mother. And what does your happiness have to do with anything? Your job is to make others feel comfortable, so that they will like and accept you. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Growing up, my children were not happy most of the time. They were socially isolated in school, had issues with anxiety and depression. They had challenges that I could never have imagined in my own childhood. I thought it was my job to protect them, to be their voice, and give them as much happiness and comfort as possible. That was my job for a long time. Only I didn't know when to draw the line. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The same was true with my mother. Make her comfortable and happy, as you have done your entire life. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Only the weight of all of that was impossible for one person to carry. I was living the way I had been conditioned. The sacrifice of my happiness, was inconsequential. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That is, until I woke up and realized that my happiness is essential. You can only fake the funk for so long before your body and your brain give way to depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and hopefully not heart disease, or some other illness. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: rgb(7, 55, 99); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">When we become burnout, our bodies internalize our pain and begin to break down. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We have to take care of ourselves. It’s vital to take care of our own needs. It’s the infamous, </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">put on your oxygen mask first, that I heard that a million times. I probably even wrote about it here on this blog. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> And yet, I would only take just enough oxygen to barely keep breathing. Everyone else had as much as I could humanly give them.. </span></p><br><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These days, when I wake up on Sunday morning and I am alone in my house, I dance. I don’t even need any music. It’s in my soul. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="id_d237_2e60_9d0d_1edd"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZ5p3kTzFsYvmNhZqL6Q4gx7F1JFPOnv-MGEo0K0b8Aze4ILM-X8v3IA5piaNJUr5oppeL-AFrmd_4BolGY41A7w81Ye8a7K-oLgKxmfocbdtatXGSN_4VzxZ8S_a7v5ZTEtoMrCp_69n/s2617/B084D093-DE37-43BD-A808-64B2F35BA34C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2617" data-original-width="2320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZ5p3kTzFsYvmNhZqL6Q4gx7F1JFPOnv-MGEo0K0b8Aze4ILM-X8v3IA5piaNJUr5oppeL-AFrmd_4BolGY41A7w81Ye8a7K-oLgKxmfocbdtatXGSN_4VzxZ8S_a7v5ZTEtoMrCp_69n/s320/B084D093-DE37-43BD-A808-64B2F35BA34C.jpg" id="id_d74a_f350_4397_19fc" style="width: 284px; height: auto;"></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunday Chillin in my swing chair. <br>No makeup. Alone.<br></td></tr></tbody></table><br><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p></span><br class="Apple-interchange-newline">Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-49429118333130947192020-08-25T10:53:00.002-07:002020-08-25T11:00:13.361-07:00Boundaries <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZXVrRbpsk-tNpXFdAZI7Mk3tPP7ZdwEc1wpjHYaSu_yimuKBqI9Bb8ARl6ALf74Qr2gANR5qegAsMsfAFvQWbNw65kVdrLZ1ypAvughOzrDNSpsf_HkE66RaKLGfclYvVkz6L5fETW6rv/s640/IMG_6757.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="328" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZXVrRbpsk-tNpXFdAZI7Mk3tPP7ZdwEc1wpjHYaSu_yimuKBqI9Bb8ARl6ALf74Qr2gANR5qegAsMsfAFvQWbNw65kVdrLZ1ypAvughOzrDNSpsf_HkE66RaKLGfclYvVkz6L5fETW6rv/w328-h328/IMG_6757.JPG" width="328" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p>Last night I received your demanding e-mail. </p><p>"Unblock my number or never talk to me again."</p><p>First of all, you can not threaten me into talking to you.</p><p>Secondly, we have an agreement. We talk once a week. </p><p>It’s been going great until…</p><p>-You blew past boundaries with your dad by calling repetitively during his work hours. </p><p>-You knocked over boundaries with your brother, Blue, killing the "Do Not Disturb" on his phone while he was trying to sleep. </p><p>On Sunday after our pleasant conversation, one of the hundreds of pep talks that I’ve given you about autism and the superpowers it brings. The ability to hyper-focus on what you really want to focus on. The ability to self-teach, as you have done with roller coaster design software, professional video editing, changing your diet, meal prepping, and exercising in order to lose over 100 pounds. The ability to learn in unique ways, and see the world differently than most people. </p><p>After we talked you began messaging me, asking questions about one subject, and then another, and then another...problem. I was on my way to have dinner. I refused to continue the exchange after several messages. </p><p>After a warning, “the block" went back on my phone until the next time we are scheduled to talk again. </p><p>I can't stay angry with you. That's not how I'm made.</p><p>I know that autism, mental illness, and self-loathing are the culprits underneath these behaviors. </p><p>I can and must, however, maintain my boundaries for the sake of my own mental health. </p><p>It is tenuous these days. </p><p>There have been too many years of this.</p><p>I have allowed you to run all over my boundaries to the point where I became depressed and full of anxiety.</p><p>I reached a point of almost not functioning. </p><p>I can not do that anymore. </p><p>I can not continue this trajectory. </p><p>I can not be the answer to all problems. </p><p>The plethora of resources that you have in our extended family must be used unless, and until you get to a point where you can actually be the independent, self-reliant man that I know you can be. </p><p>Saying, “No. Not anymore,” is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. And when it comes to you, I have done some very difficult things. </p><p>It takes energy and strength to say no when your own heart is bleeding. </p><p>Deep down I know that someday I will not be here. </p><p>I can not be the solver of all problems. </p><p>I will not always be your soft place to fall.</p><p>You will have to seek help from other sources or you will fall...hard. </p><p>The first source you need is yourself. </p><p>You are the key to your future.</p><p>You will come out of this stronger. </p><p>You will have the strength to fix things yourself.</p><p>I love you.</p><p>And yes. I am sure you can do this. </p><div><br /></div>Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-53122865501634983052020-08-14T14:05:00.016-07:002020-08-14T15:19:02.247-07:00Conversations with Depression <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6inmHeyG2Hsb-nKoSR8ral_bnrKZXbrXwmfSdxNaDAO3rxRd7u3ik0S9kmvrXwwAoxJfkEJtXtM3qaq0Xwyl5Mf2xZUsbFn0STXbq6Pr0Ut75Nv29erTrLdWN0e54rz4AuDD6pCkb48YX/s2870/BF281DEF-4A6C-4F3C-92F3-70ADE637E398.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2870" data-original-width="2870" height="410" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6inmHeyG2Hsb-nKoSR8ral_bnrKZXbrXwmfSdxNaDAO3rxRd7u3ik0S9kmvrXwwAoxJfkEJtXtM3qaq0Xwyl5Mf2xZUsbFn0STXbq6Pr0Ut75Nv29erTrLdWN0e54rz4AuDD6pCkb48YX/w410-h410/BF281DEF-4A6C-4F3C-92F3-70ADE637E398.jpg" width="410" /></a></div><p></p><p><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s me against you.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-b46d6700-7fff-c856-454b-9e5d5c5b88cd"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know I’m not alone in thinking that I can negotiate with you.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There has to be a way to outsmart you --beat you at your own game. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can do hard things. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can figure this out. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m a badass! I’m a mom. I helped my kids survive autism in their teen years while taking care of my mom as she tried to lose </span><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her</span><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> mind. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can do anything!</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those things did exhaust the hell out of me though. Years on top of years being in fight or flight. Now my body and my mind are not quite sure what to do. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The days go by. I feel numb. I’m sure and then unsure. I have plenty of time to think about it all. We’re in this pandemic! Life is slower than slow although, I’m not sure what happens to all of the days.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Negotiations: </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe if I just buy this thing... </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A new bike. An adult tricycle. Bikes are for exercise. Exercise is good for me.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That will do the trick. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I will feel better after that. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I just do this thing…</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I set up my outdoor oasis. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sitting outside in the fresh air always makes me feel better.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ll be more content then. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(<i>Only now, it’s hotter than hell. And the mosquitos love me more than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. Fuckers.</i>) </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I could just move back to California…</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The weather is so much better. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There’s a beach. There’s an ocean, a breeze. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How could I ever have left the beach?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why didn’t I realize that I need a beach in my life?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How could I be depressed when there’s a beach? </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In California, I would have my friends. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My oldest friends. My dearest friends. The friends I’ve had my whole life. Friends I can count on. Friends who I don’t have to figure out. They’re just there. Always. Friends who won’t abandon me and disappear.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I just ...pray, meditate, do more yoga, keep busy enough, read more, distract myself, follow all of the therapy, and self-care accounts on Instagram.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then. Maybe then, anxiety will not seep into my bones and refuse to leave.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You know...I don’t have time for this. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have things to accomplish. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just get over it already.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Therapy is great. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I finally feel validated, seen, and heard. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Finding my therapist was my saving grace. The best thing I’ve done for myself in the past 20 years!</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why do I have to be one of those people who needs therapy? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can live without therapy. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m going to skip it next week.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s ridiculous that I spend this much money and time on therapy.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do other people spend this much time trying to feel good? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Happy people really get on my nerves. (Insert eye-roll here) </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why can’t I just think positive thoughts? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You attract what you focus on, right? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Change your thoughts. Change your life, right? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Manifest happiness damn it! It’s easy! </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t worry. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It will come. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why hasn’t it come? </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then the rationalizations…</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Is this even real or are you just feeling sorry for yourself? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not taking any more medication. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fix your life, not your medication.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait a minute...you fixed your life. You made some space for yourself. You have more peace than you have had in years. You should be happy now.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You’re not happy now? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What is wrong with you? </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The truth... </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life is difficult for many of us walking on this planet. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Circumstances in my life are better. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have created more peace. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, peace doesn’t look the way I expected it to because there are new challenges.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought racism was better. We had a black President. I have tons of white friends. We all want the same things. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then I find out, the entire history of our country has been set up to on the concept of white supremacy </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And right now, they want their country back. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They hate us. They are literally killing us. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s sanctioned and promoted by our current administration. Every time I hear his lying, cheating, hateful voice, I want to crawl out of my skin. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am not alone in these anxious thoughts and feelings. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’re in a global pandemic. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Many of us are feeling trapped.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our normal has completely changed. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We feel we’re being punished because our neighbors won’t behave and do their homework.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Everything is tenuous. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Each day we wake up to more devastating news and death. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s okay, not to be okay right now.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s okay to feel all of the feelings. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s okay to be a complex human, thinking and feeling one thing one moment, and another in the next. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no magic thing ...magic answer. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no bag of tricks to outsmart these feelings or rush them away. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes, we just have to live in discomfort. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Discomfort is the spark --the key motivation for major change. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I don’t have to buy the thing --the adult tricycle, that really would be so cool.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Or do the thing --that would make everything better. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just have to keep moving.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keep swimming.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: courier, monospace; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Never give up. </span></p></span><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-44079321412762869052020-07-24T13:58:00.000-07:002020-07-25T09:55:29.110-07:00All Hands on Deck<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought the time of having “all hands” meetings for Kendal’s life was over. Especially since he moved to California. Apparently, I was wrong. </span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-87a4ed70-7fff-91cf-ac3e-c05b969c1426"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-87a4ed70-7fff-91cf-ac3e-c05b969c1426"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He will be 25-years-old in September.</span></span></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-87a4ed70-7fff-91cf-ac3e-c05b969c1426"><span style="color: #073763;">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over the years, we had countless I.E.P.(Individual Education Plan) meetings from the time he was 3-years-old until he was 22 when he finally finished with the school system. These annual (sometimes bi-annual) meetings involved a group of educators, administrators, therapists, counselors, and of course, us (his parents) sitting down to make sure that his educational and psychological goals were addressed. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During his teen years through age 22, we also had quarterly PCP (Person-Centered Planning) meetings, where a group of mentors got together to help facilitate personal goals for his life. Past meetings have included teachers, his pastor, friends, therapists, always me, and sometimes his dad if he wasn’t traveling. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This kid has been blessed with a shit-ton of support over the years. And yet, I could never do enough for him as far as he was concerned. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last time I wrote about him here, he just moved <a href="https://confessionsofanaspergersmom.blogspot.com/2020/05/back-to-cali.html">Back to Cali</a> (where he was born and spent many summers growing up.) He is living in my niece’s home while he looks for a job and builds his own multi-level-marketing business. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I love the additional distance between us. He has been happier than I've seen him in a long time since he’s been there. Like me, he loves L.A. and the California weather. He loves the progressiveness and diversity of the community in Los Angeles. He is getting more exposure to his own, black, culture than he ever has in his life. Being surrounded by so many successful black people makes him feel at home, accepted, less different, and motivated. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With gyms closed due to Co-vid, he started working out at the beach, local parks, on “the hill” and on the “stairs” in the affluent, primarily black, community of Baldwin Hills. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It has been exciting for me to see him living in the community I still consider to be my home. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His journey so far has not been immune to the ups and downs of life. It turns out that California’s sun does not solve all of life’s dilemmas. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He moved there at the beginning of the CoVid shelter-in-place, at the end of April. Like the rest of us in the world, quarantine means he has not been able to move around as freely as he would like to. He has not been able to find employment, despite applying for many jobs. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He has been working on self-development with my niece and personal training with her other nephew. Developing a positive self-image and an abundance mindset has been a large part of his daily goals. He’s also been working on his own health and weight loss. He makes daily motivational videos on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/beastmode.weaver/">Instagram</a> and Facebook. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He has also been trying to develop this business of selling and recruiting people to sell a line of health products. In my opinion, that is a tall mountain to climb amid a declining economy. I know him to be a person who thrives from a schedule and knowing what to expect. The unpredictability has made the ups and downs and uncertainty in his life somewhat, difficult to navigate. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Initially, he cut back on reaching out to me as often. However, when he has a negative thought or feeling, he is inclined to share it with me via incessant, phone calls, and texts. When I continued to hold a boundary and not engage with every-single-phone-call and text, he did not appreciate it. In fact, he told me so in some extremely unpleasant, straight-out, disrespectful, words. (<i>And there went my heart-rate.)</i> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The blatant disrespect caused me to put up a stone wall between us instead of an open fence. We are at a point where I know for sure he can do better with the way he speaks to me. He does so with everyone else in his life. It's beyond time to crack all the way down on this behavior. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not having daily/hourly access to me at first made his frustration at times overflow onto the family he is surrounded by. Let’s just say, it wasn’t pretty. We started seeing a lot of miscommunication with his aunts, uncles, cousins, and his grandma in Maryland. This culminated with my sweetest sister-in-law being caught up in the crossfire during a conversation in which he was seeking her advice. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So it turns out that a thousand-plus-miles of separation does not mean he no longer gives me headaches or sends my heart-rate through the roof. Years of this behavior, worry, and traumatic events still have the amygdala in my brain on high-alert. I’ve been “fighting and flighting” for so long. My body automatically responds to stress from the smallest of triggers...even from a distance.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because of all of the miscommunication (half-information being shared, splitting between family members, etc.) my niece decided to call a Family Meeting. Her goal was that we come together to set some expectations and be on the same page with our desire to help him focus on being successful with this transition to Los Angeles. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Zoom meeting included family from Dallas, Austin, and Los Angeles. On a midweek afternoon, everyone showed up to love and support him. There was a total of ten people including both of his brothers, us (his parents), his aunties, uncle, cousins, and new mentor/friend. An entire support network showed up and stayed for a 2-hour meeting that was all about him. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If he can’t see the blessing in that, then I don’t know what else to tell him. I for one am extremely thankful for everyone showing up for me, and for loving my son. I know now that he has plenty of support. Everything isn’t on me. I can let go and not worry ...<i>as much</i>. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have been his person for his entire life. I have been his person to the point of burnout, compassion fatigue, depression, and anxiety. I am saturated with years of compounded stress. </span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You see, I am not just </span><span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">his</span><span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> person. I am <i>the person</i>, the caregiver, for my 80-year-old mother. <i>(And she is a real piece of work. Another one who I can never do enough for.)</i> I still provide support for my other sons,(especially the 21-year-old who still lives with me) and now my grandson, (which is a pure pleasure). Let's not forget my husband (who can never decide what to eat).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</span></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdH0v9nNew_izYxW2onpkcCX73VwWvaptNE8FPNHVl6FPn70_YxKm3KsjWIw5mA3bshBoFxWO353RVo3vMLYe2JP8LaT4eqQ8rvdBjZ2WlMiCpZtY0oMzfIw8Uh6D-kBShY511gnQ-qrZO/s1600/IMG_6681.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1329" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdH0v9nNew_izYxW2onpkcCX73VwWvaptNE8FPNHVl6FPn70_YxKm3KsjWIw5mA3bshBoFxWO353RVo3vMLYe2JP8LaT4eqQ8rvdBjZ2WlMiCpZtY0oMzfIw8Uh6D-kBShY511gnQ-qrZO/s320/IMG_6681.JPG" width="192" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Meet my grandson Cayden</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763;"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The good news is, that Kendal was receptive to all of the support on the Zoom Meeting. The men in our family have been stepping up, even more, to show up for him. Thus, giving his relationship with me some much-needed relief. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">********</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Since the meeting, he had an interview and a possible job offer. We continue to talk less. It’s time for me to heal, show myself some compassion, self-care, and self-love. That endeavor is a continuous work in progress.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">********</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In other news, after being laid off from work due to CoVid 19, my youngest son has decided to re-enroll in college classes this semester. Not only that! He paid for it! Let us pray that this means he will not waste his money! </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can follow Kendal's daily motivational videos <a href="https://www.instagram.com/beastmode.weaver/">@beastmode.weaver </a>on Instagram </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can also follow my daily antics and musings <a href="https://www.instagram.com/kwesleywrites/">@kwesleywrites on Instagram</a></span></div>
</span></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-34437448445069733952020-05-22T11:02:00.001-07:002020-05-22T15:13:15.946-07:00Quarantine Stories<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSs0_oWI_Po2QReL4PTt_KBNvSRB0-c5tMn_thZto8XYUstWX9vI2MHT_iANnK9dia5PigF1xJP59CG8OHE2pjheM5n6sWaaszh5I-vpm-A2OgIMbb13qeDKyPvQOD4BArUM38FZ1VfmSq/s1600/IMG_5720.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1292" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSs0_oWI_Po2QReL4PTt_KBNvSRB0-c5tMn_thZto8XYUstWX9vI2MHT_iANnK9dia5PigF1xJP59CG8OHE2pjheM5n6sWaaszh5I-vpm-A2OgIMbb13qeDKyPvQOD4BArUM38FZ1VfmSq/s320/IMG_5720.HEIC" width="258" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Me on my front porch </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Before all of this<br />
all I could think was<br />
how much I want to get out of here<br />
I was starving for adventure to stir my soul<br />
freedom, quiet, alone, thinking, dreaming, writing,<br />
seeing, feeling,<br />
something beautiful<br />
preferably and ocean<br />
anywhere, but here<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*******</div>
<br />
Universe says<br />
“Not so fast, missy. Slow your roll.<br />
No, I mean seriously. <br />
Slow it, like it has never been before.”<br />
No intoxicating excursion for your birthday<br />
Appreciate the journeys you have already taken<br />
They play on a highlight reel in your mind<br />
See the memories like a film<br />
--a brilliant, permanent, imprint on your soul<br />
The journey is in your mind<br />
It is the best kind<br />
Write it down on paper <br />
touch it<br />
let it carry you through the ache<br />
while the memories sustain you<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
********</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Up in this Club Quarantine</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
DJ Nice fills our dreams</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and lonely nights with music</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the soundtrack of happier days</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
dancing in our pj’s</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
no requests</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he just plays</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
what he wants</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Let it breathe"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as we stream</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this party in our bedrooms</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
put it through the stereo</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
nice and slow</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
lay down in between</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he puts on Prince</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I scream</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
like I used to do</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when life was new</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
up again</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
music soothing like the wind</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
vibe making me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
forget this hell of a reality</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
moving my body</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
after dark</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is when it really sets off</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
******</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I wake up wistful<br />
longing<br />
same place, same thing<br />
nothing happening<br />
emptiness, gratitude<br />
intertwined with profound sadness<br />
not a lock-down<br />
a slow down<br />
<br />
Misplaced freedoms<br />
more than before<br />
trapped<br />
grateful for health<br />
wanting more<br />
reminders everywhere<br />
life can change in a heartbeat<br />
not nice or neat<br />
the energy<br />
pushing away<br />
negative thoughts as they emerge<br />
uninvited guests<br />
go home<br />
<br />
Absence from the yoga studio<br />
community, friendly smiles, humanity, energy<br />
Appreciating I can breathe, freely<br />
...not gasping for air in a cold, empty<br />
hospital room -left alone,<br />
to die like many<br />
unprecedented times<br />
tired but alive<br />
<br />
Craving the ocean<br />
content with the breeze<br />
front porch, sitting<br />
newly blossomed red oak trees<br />
belong to me<br />
A family<br />
of Blue Jays<br />
make my home theirs<br />
Squirrels scurry everywhere<br />
looking for harvest<br />
in the tall, green grasses<br />
<br />
Surrounded by family<br />
yet lonely<br />
loving these folk desperately<br />
but wanting to leave<br />
missing friends<br />
wanting to miss <i>this family </i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
bored of their conversations<br />
fatigued from negotiation<br />
over dinner<br />
Ah...<br />
a sushi picnic for one<br />
in my car<br />
chartreuse coffee cup<br />
fill her up<br />
white wine<br />
perfect<br />
don't tell nobody<br />
palate heightened by wasabi<br />
sunroof open -breeze blowing<br />
sun setting<br />
filling empty journal pages<br />
thoughts and words<br />
voices muted by time and spaces<br />
sexy silence curated<br />
<br />
Isn't it lovely<br />
<br />
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-4242952412520246582020-05-02T14:03:00.001-07:002020-05-02T16:12:29.281-07:00Back to Cali<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Did you know that my son Kendal was born in Burbank, California?<br />
I was raised in Los Angeles. I can't tell you what a dumb idea it was for us to move to Texas, but we did. We have always gone home frequently to visit the friends and family we left behind. That was a good thing for Kendal because he developed close relationships with our extended family.<br />
<br />
Well ...he's going back to Cali. In fact, as I write this he is already there.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzPvGuRPLLte8hYIqrY-2T3VS6ABpukokKr7kVqhncFGgSEflOKSDRwn23F0-KUvRaiykXpU1P-BCiSnqgQzDOZq7P1JCxM0vBQlMAf7txvGApJQqJlzilPTUonwRW1tlcK6bG_RvjQoAU/s1600/IMG_5786.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzPvGuRPLLte8hYIqrY-2T3VS6ABpukokKr7kVqhncFGgSEflOKSDRwn23F0-KUvRaiykXpU1P-BCiSnqgQzDOZq7P1JCxM0vBQlMAf7txvGApJQqJlzilPTUonwRW1tlcK6bG_RvjQoAU/s320/IMG_5786.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div>
In my last couple of <a href="https://confessionsofanaspergersmom.blogspot.com/2020/03/self-preservation.html">blog posts</a> I told you all that we were working on relocating him from San Antonio. Our hope was to help him get an apartment closer to us in Austin.<br />
<br />
Over the past few months, I did everything I could to try to help him with this transition. I went down to San Antonio, tried to connect him with agencies, looked at rooms for rent, and roommate situations. I brought him up here and took him for job interviews and to check out apartments.<br />
<br />
As with most things when it comes to him, the process was extremely frustrating. He argues for something in one moment, and against it in the next. I understand that most of this is based on fear and anxiety, but it's still aggravating to deal with. After years of battles with him, I am fried. Burnt out --to a crisp.<br />
<br />
He’s at this precarious place on the spectrum where he’s smart enough to know he wants the best possible life. He wants to do something grand. And yet, he's missing a few of the links on exactly how to get there.<br />
<br />
I could be wrong, but I think he's in a self-imposed competition with his father, his brothers, and the rest of the world for what he perceives to be success. He fights an inner battle with the autism diagnosis. It makes him feel less than others. In fact, he has told me that I make him feel like there is something wrong with him. At this point, I am used to being blamed for everything.<br />
<br />
I try to encourage him with the “different ability” speech and the “everyone has a unique gift to offer the world. Every job is important. There is no less than or better than. We are all just trying to contribute to society.” He buys into it for a while, and then he doesn’t.<br />
<br />
He is an adult --free to make his own dumb life decisions (just like I did). Just like we all do. I can not protect him from his choices. Lord knows I have tried. Protecting your child from the world never works because it’s really not your job. It's their journey. Good, bad, and in-between. It makes them stronger.<br />
<br />
Kendal has this entrepreneurial spirit. He doesn’t want to be the “average working guy with a job he doesn’t like for twenty or thirty years.” (A line I believe he heard on a motivational video on YouTube --<i>the bane of existence</i>). He has repeated this to me at every turn for the past two years.<br />
<br />
We encourage him to take further steps in his independence and education. He fights back with the stance, “I don’t want to be average. I don't want some cookie-cutter program that everyone else follows."<br />
<br />
<i>Can you feel my eyes rolling? </i><br />
<br />
He has never had a job he didn’t like. In fact, he has loved most of the jobs that he’s had. He has never been without work since leaving high school. He thrives on a routine, schedule, and known expectations.<br />
<br />
At the same time, he wants more. He wants to “own his own business and have unlimited income,” whatever that means. This is a dream that we as his parents could not get behind. At least not until he builds the very basic foundations of life.<br />
<br />
<i>How are you going to run a business when you have a hard time managing your own finances? When you have the opportunity to save, you spend, impulsively.</i><br />
<br />
We are of the mindset that you need to have your bases covered, i.e. income for food, shelter, medication, transportation, and managing your own finances. Perhaps some education on how the world works, in general, might just be a good idea. He is intelligent and hard-working, but sometimes he can be naive and vulnerable.<br />
<br />
I showed him examples of others in our family who are entrepreneurs. My brother has had countless businesses over the years. He also always had a very well-paying job with benefits to cover his bases. <br />
<br />
My niece is an independent Cinematographer. She went to college, worked for free as an intern, built a portfolio, and got into film school.<br />
<br />
My sister owned her own hair salon for years. She had formal training, a license, and built a clientele before she could open her own salon.<br />
<br />
I spent five years as a Real Estate Agent. I also had a part-time job with a property management company to make sure that I could pay my rent, in case a deal didn't close or a buyer wandered off...<br />
<br />
You can't skip the steps and go from zero to one hundred. First, you take steps one through ten, and so on, until you reach your goal.<br />
<br />
I even tried to take myself out of the equation of figuring out his next steps. I hired a Counselor to do Case Management to help him find an affordable place to live up here (near us) and a new place to work. She is a contact that I know because she used to work in our school district with teens and young adults. I couldn't get the government agencies up here to work with him during Co-Vid. Most of them are barely operating.<br />
<br />
He would not follow through with her. He would only allow her to help him so much before there was push back.<br />
<br />
To top things off Co-vid 19 happened. He had a job offer that was pulled back after the shut-down.<br />
<br />
The bottom line is, I think there was a shitload of fear that got in the way of him moving forward. Maybe he just wasn't ready to live by himself, even with supports. Maybe the uphill battle that it would take to make that happen was not the path for either of us right now.<br />
<br />
He told me straight out, he does not want to be controlled by us (<i>his parents</i>). If he got into a living situation that we helped support, he would feel obligated to do things "<i>our way.</i>"<br />
<br />
My niece offered for him to come and live with her in her home in Los Angeles and help him figure things out. She also has that entrepreneurial spirit, although she has an education, experience, and a foundation of homeownership to go along with it.<br />
<br />
He believes that this is his chance to carve out his way in the world, without being obligated or controlled by his parents. I get that. And so...off he goes. <br />
<br />
I am beyond tired of the fight to help him when he clearly fights against me at every turn. No matter how much he asks for my help, every day ...like, ten times a day. <br />
<br />
I can not say concretely, what his plan is once he gets there or if he will even stay.<br />
<br />
Do I have fears? Absolutely. I won’t bore you with the long list. The first one starting with putting him on an airplane during Covid-19. Again, I can caution him and ask him to take the steps to mitigate his exposure. I can not fully protect him. I pray for his health and safety and then let it go.<br />
<br />
When we took him to the airport thankfully, it was nearly empty. I pray that means that his contact with others was limited.<br />
<br />
He has a place to live with a family member, who is not ME. My siblings and friends all live in California. He will have more of a support system than he did in San Antonio, with only his brother. If shit hits the fan, he has family there. <br />
<br />
I personally offer no guarantees of help and have no plans of being involved in his day to day decisions. As his parents, our offer of support remains where we live, in Texas. I have no idea if this move will be permanent or not. With Covid-19 happening right now, the job market is crap.<br />
<br />
He recently got involved in a network marketing business that has something to do with vitamins and weight loss. He has been drawn to the health and fitness world since he lost 100 pounds a few years ago. He is determined to try these different “roads to wealth.” I hope he pleasantly surprises us. Maybe, he can buy me that house by the beach I’ve always wanted.<br />
<br />
He will be on quarantine-shelter-in-place when he gets there. He will have a safe place to live until he figures things out.<br />
<br />
My niece used to work as a Social Worker. She is raising my nephew who just turned 18 and is finishing high-school. She is a person who could get Kendal to eat green vegetables when he visited L.A. in the summers and on holidays while growing up. I couldn’t get him to open his mouth to taste anything green. She is not me. He has always done better with anyone who is not me.<br />
<br />
I was praying for a solution that did not involve him coming back home. God opened that door, and he walked through it.<br />
<br />
I have given him my all for nearly 25 years. <br />
I am thankful and hopeful for this next chapter in his life.<br />
I’m going to crawl even further into the backseat now.<br />
I think I may even take a nap.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSaA7jwqch79mHrIiRJXMH4bARUju4HrtL6oD-7TZQ9lT-a9ZMl9PDFFY5rULGPpYqu8k6aSAJ4YaUTPweaam8W2RPRk3gf0jTvTZohLRIIcyR34Qv5HTG9JXL6RML0HL7hWl-SNbdWz5S/s1600/IMG_5789.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="969" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSaA7jwqch79mHrIiRJXMH4bARUju4HrtL6oD-7TZQ9lT-a9ZMl9PDFFY5rULGPpYqu8k6aSAJ4YaUTPweaam8W2RPRk3gf0jTvTZohLRIIcyR34Qv5HTG9JXL6RML0HL7hWl-SNbdWz5S/s320/IMG_5789.HEIC" width="193" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU8mB1-csM-cd2iEo17Szx2lm7-vjU5DNathqnCTNDQxwRzPMij9yqObJzfG5iOxExriO6oPM6ukwGxKAXh4pPQsBxkssQ3_l51p8dS8ajy38aStGmileuQA61SxDCRoMnWEhYHtGccgeL/s1600/IMG_5787.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1484" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU8mB1-csM-cd2iEo17Szx2lm7-vjU5DNathqnCTNDQxwRzPMij9yqObJzfG5iOxExriO6oPM6ukwGxKAXh4pPQsBxkssQ3_l51p8dS8ajy38aStGmileuQA61SxDCRoMnWEhYHtGccgeL/s320/IMG_5787.HEIC" width="296" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-32943105005723585352020-03-22T11:43:00.002-07:002020-03-22T14:46:55.881-07:00Self-Preservation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_S-c9nSNNjzxL1uMKiVr9IkW67dtL1_AILdZeVJHUqegbwBBvI7Zj9mjAJmQ98z8QD3d44l2d653dICJbuopTJKjRIABPUi68QgQ9lbtTFxCyQZmIBp4W4x9pTRhXUO2qWP4NYMepWqcr/s1600/IMG_5426.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_S-c9nSNNjzxL1uMKiVr9IkW67dtL1_AILdZeVJHUqegbwBBvI7Zj9mjAJmQ98z8QD3d44l2d653dICJbuopTJKjRIABPUi68QgQ9lbtTFxCyQZmIBp4W4x9pTRhXUO2qWP4NYMepWqcr/s320/IMG_5426.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image of me from years ago -hiding </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been fighting against getting too caught up in the madness of the world right now. I conserve my energy to deal with the madness of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">my</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">own private </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">world.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-34a8274f-7fff-85ba-a32a-d9475be8d41c" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I start overthinking everything, that rabbit hole would get too deep. I might not make it back out. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I already spend too much time to spend inside my own head with all of the thoughts. It gets dark in there sometimes. I have to compartmentalize --to decide what gets my energy. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’ve been working recently with my 24-year-old son on relocating closer to where we live. He is relatively high-functioning autistic. He has lived away from home for over 4 years. He has lived with his older brother over the last 2 years. As of the first of May, he will no longer have a support system in San Antonio. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The other day I confessed to my therapist, “I know it sounds bad to say this out loud, but I’m more anxious about this change than I am about the Coronavirus.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She wasn’t surprised. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Why is it that situations with him make me more anxious than a pandemic crisis?” I asked. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She confirmed -- it’s trauma. I have been dealing with the stress of this situation for years. My body and my brain are conditioned to it. The amygdala in my brain is constantly on hyperalert. My body stays ready for -fight or flight.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can’t deal with loud noise or aggressive speech without my body tensing up. The men in this family, can be very loud and um...</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><i>passionate</i></b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Even when I try not to show my feelings outwardly, when I try to remain calm, the stress will show up in my body at some point. Usually, it’s at the end of the day when I am the most physically tired. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What if the peace that I have worked long and hard for goes away? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because therapy isn’t long enough for me, I sat down the next day with my journal and asked the question, “Why do I keep taking his calls every day? Talking to him for more than a few minutes makes me nervous and more anxious. Why do I keep doing it day after day? What am I afraid of?”</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, there’s a lot. He’s my son. I love him. I ache for him, and yet he is the most difficult challenge in my life. Our relationship runs deep. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><i>Fear</i></b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> —If I do nothing to help him, and leave everything up to him to figure out, he will do nothing. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where will he end up without my support? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What if he ends having nowhere to go except here with me? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I would lose my shit completely. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s sad that I feel like I am the worst possible person for him to be around. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My very being provokes negative behaviors that he displays with no one else. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His proximity to me slows down his progress. It’s not healthy for either of us. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My therapist agrees that his coming back home would be a signal that one, he has failed at independence and second, that he can relax and not move forward to the next goal. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why should he keep growing if he can have all of life’s comforts without the work that goes along with it? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As it is, living with his brother seems to have signaled to him that there is no need to save money, even though he’s in a position to do so. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He knows everything and nothing. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His intelligence is high. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His ideas are grandiose. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He wants more out of life.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He wants a better job. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He wants independence. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He fixates on success and would love to become independently wealthy. (</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hell! So would I!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Unfortunately, autism affects his executive functioning which is the catalyst for making things actually happen. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I write in my journal to reach further. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Where are these feelings coming from</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fear</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> -I will fall back into the black hole of anxiety and depression. I am barely clawing my way out.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It feels like dirt is kicked back in the hole every time the phone rings with his anxiety on the other end of it. It makes me want to hide. Like I'm not human. Like I don't have a choice of how much of myself to give him. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(I don’t allow my phone to ring anymore. I keep it indefinitely silent because of years of this.)</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I fight against my fear. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I get angry with myself because I know I don’t have the time or energy for fear. Nevertheless, here it is! It hangs around like an uninvited, nasty, dark, cloud. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know that fear does nothing besides waste energy, of which I have none to spare. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Haven’t I learned by now that half of the things I waste time worrying about will NEVER ACTUALLY happen? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course, I know that. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know the smart things. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s just actually </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">doing</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the smart things and believing in the best outcome, where things get lost in translation.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is relentless when it comes to me. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He will go as far across my boundaries as I allow him to go. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have to be stronger than he is just to hold my ground.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He has so many new things to worry about with this transition and so many old things that he is compelled to discuss ad nauseam. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What he wants or needs takes precedence over everything. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who cares about what I have to do personally. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other people that I need to take care of can wait. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So what if half of the things I need to do would actually benefit him if he would leave me the f*@# alone long enough to allow me to get them done. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t have the best focus, to begin with. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am perpetually trying to put together the ever-evolving puzzle.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thinking is constant. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m exhausted.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the past several years, I have been working to find my new self. I work on self-love and self-care. I take care of my own mental and physical health like it’s a full-time job. I’m working on developing a career as a writer. I need something for me outside of my family. I have to find the woman who I abandoned years ago. Motherhood and marriage erased her. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But alas, there is a new challenge to solve. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s huge. He needs to find a new job and a new place to live. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How do we tackle both things at once? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over the years, therapists have always recommended, only make one major change at a time.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can’t do this anymore. I can not allow him to give me all of his anxiety. If I become sick or die because my immune system has been compromised from stress, I will not be able to help him or anyone else!</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is much younger and stronger than I am. He has to carry his own anxiety or find ways to release it. I can not do that for him. I tell him all of this. It doesn’t feel like he hears me. </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t recognize me as human. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know I’m his mother, but he doesn’t push this far with anyone else in his life. He pushes, just not </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this </span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">far. This is probably why he is so alone in the world. If you don’t love him unconditionally, he’s a bit much to take. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I exhale deeply…the air feels shallow. I close my eyes and imagine the bluest ocean. I take another cleansing breath.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, the world has closed down. I can’t go to the yoga studio to make myself remember to breathe. I practice at home. I stream it from the studio. It’s not quite the same, but it helps. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I love this child of mine. I love all of my children. One of them happens to be more vulnerable and alone in this world than most people. That makes my heart hurt. I want to support him, while at the same time, I have to prepare him for the day when I am no longer here. Who knows that maybe sooner than later? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the meantime, I give him the best that I can from a healthy distance. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Loving myself at the same time as loving him is a new concept for me. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Self-preservation is real.</span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-58337206112878198822020-02-24T09:53:00.000-08:002020-02-24T09:53:00.989-08:00Gentle Pushes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
How much help is too much help from a parent when your child with autism becomes an adult?<br />
<br />
First of all, the term “adult” is very broad. Reaching the age of eighteen or twenty-one makes them legally adults. However, for adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder, delays in development and maturity can be significantly slower than their typical peers.<br />
<br />
According to a study by the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2765385/">National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine</a> in November 2009:<br />
<br />
<i>“Because of delays in ongoing social development, some of these individuals may attain educational, independent living and relationship goals, but reach them a decade or more later than typical for the general population.”</i><br />
<br />
In the journey with my sons, I found that too much help could be toxic (and I can be a real helicopter mom. I'm constantly working on it.) Too much help can delay them even further from becoming independent.<br />
<br />
Think about it…<br />
<i>Why do things for myself if mom will do it for me?</i><br />
<i>Why do I need my own money if dad will give me everything that I want and need?</i><br />
<i>I will never forget the first time Kendal had to take money out of his own account, for his spending "wants." He was so angry with me! </i><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaN4SqfbV-yuJ9iuH-mnRxmfnrsY-y-ErEXOxLf0MDR837L_wgk7aBKGpzvs0Milby0Ryo8FJGL3quqfrhHpIQs12b9VdoI7zdkZv3tB1NEOJ985f_A3gRJ_ItKogl72UwFl9Miazob49F/s1600/IMG_5110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaN4SqfbV-yuJ9iuH-mnRxmfnrsY-y-ErEXOxLf0MDR837L_wgk7aBKGpzvs0Milby0Ryo8FJGL3quqfrhHpIQs12b9VdoI7zdkZv3tB1NEOJ985f_A3gRJ_ItKogl72UwFl9Miazob49F/s320/IMG_5110.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blue's 1st Car! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Transitions in life are hard for most of us. The responsibilities that come with adulthood can be overwhelming. Working, going to college, deciding what to do with your life, budgeting money, planning how best to spend your time. The call for a social life that looks like what your peers seem to have can be especially difficult for those on the spectrum.<br />
<br />
I have also seen examples where not enough help can leave them sitting in the same place for far too long. Once you fall too deeply into depression, it gets even more difficult. Then because they are legally adults, we can’t exactly make them conform to get mental health services.<br />
<br />
Let’s face it, often we (parents) are the last people they want telling them what to do. In their heads, they are adults and should be able to make their own choices. I get that. In our experience, the help can not always come directly from me or their father. We need a whole community of supports to get us through the transition to adulthood. Ideas sound so much better coming from a respected peer, a mentor, a cool uncle, cousin or aunt. <br />
<br />
There is the school of thought, “Let them choose their own path. Let the cards fall where they may. It’s their journey.” I fully support their path, their choices. However, in our house choosing to do nothing is just not an option on the menu. Doing nothing exacerbates depression and anxiety can be incapacitating. An idle mind has too much time to fixate on negative scenarios. Also, having nothing to do means more time to bug the shit out of Mom. I am already over my limit.<br />
<br />
I’m not autistic and yet, I’m pretty good at talking myself out of things that seem daunting. I usually dread the worst outcome. This comes from my own anxiety, which has increased on my journey through motherhood. It doesn’t serve me to think the worst. I’m getting better at not doing this, but I am a work in progress.<br />
<br />
I was more optimistic before I had children. Experiencing so many traumas with them (the diagnosis, meltdowns, the constant calls from school, interactions with mental health authorities). All of this changed me. Before kids, I was willing to try anything, to ask for any job, more money. The experience of raising these children, in particular, has changed me beyond the point of recognition.<br />
<br />
For our boys, once they hit 18, the choice was either school, work, volunteering, or some combination of these. In Kendal’s case, I sometimes <i>“voluntold”</i> him because I refused to allow him to be bored. Having nothing to do made his behavior intolerable.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, at the age of nineteen, we found ourselves making the decision to gently push Kendal out of the nest and into another living situation. I can barely say the words group home out loud. It just doesn’t sound like a place that a child of mine would ever be. I had put everything I had into raising him and getting him the proper supports and therapies, from the pre-school program for children with disabilities when he was three-years-old, to the school district’s Adult Transition program until he was twenty-two. Not to mention all of the therapies and camps we put him in over the years.<br />
<br />
By the time he was 18, I was on the edge of a breakdown mentally. It felt like full access to me made his behavior worse, and his motivation to grow up, stagnate. Living in our home was disruptive and effected everyone, including his younger brother who was in his junior year of high school. Blue could not even do homework in our home without disruption and explosions. <br />
<br />
However, Kendal being in a place that he did not love as much as home, motivated him. I think he felt more like an adult. He actually became a leader in that environment. Most of his roommates were not functioning as highly as he was. He was cooking, shopping, preparing his own meals. He had begun to work on weight loss and ended up losing over 100 pounds. He was motivated to acquire the adult living skills so that he could move to live semi-independently with his older brother.<br />
<br />
I am proud of the steps these young men have taken towards adulthood, but none of it came without gentle pushes.<br />
<br />
The most exciting news is that three weeks ago, we helped Blue buy his first car. He just reached his 21st birthday this month. He has been working and saving for over a year.<br />
<br />
His driving journey started at age 16 when he took his first Driver’s Education class. He did well, passing at 95%. However, the whole ordeal caused him quite a bit of anxiety. The mere fact that the class was something additional added into his schedule between school and homework, was enough to throw him off. Nevertheless, he emerged with his driver’s permit.<br />
<br />
There wasn’t a lot of driving practice afterward. Anxiety slowed his roll forward. Eventually, in his senior year, we got Vocational Rehab to pay for some behind the wheel lessons. We thought it was better that he drove with a professional instead of us (his parents). He was pretty oppositional and argumentative with us because after all, we “know nothing.” He was less agitated and more relaxed by driving with a professional. Both of the boys behave better when we are not around.<br />
<br />
After his first year in college, I gently pushed Blue again to move forward with driving. He decided to take a refresher driving course. After the behind the wheel practice, he finally initiated taking and passing the test his adult license. Still, for various reasons, there was very little driving practice, though continued to save towards a car.<br />
<br />
When word got out that Blue got his adult driver’s license, suddenly his older brother was motivated to take more lessons and obtain his license. To date, he’s still working on saving for a car.<br />
<br />
Blue has mellowed out so much since he stopped classes at the community college and started working. Working made him feel successful. He is well-liked by his Managers and his peers. He even hangs out with some of his adult coworkers.<br />
<br />
His demeanor has made it easier for us to ride with him for driving practice. At least now, he will listen. More so with his father than with me.<br />
<br />
Now he’s driving himself to work and to his favorite spot to hang out and write —Starbucks. He has taken himself to the grocery store and Target and of course, out to eat.<br />
<br />
We still drive him or ride with him if he has to go across town. There’s no highway driving yet. We are absolutely thrilled that we aren’t paying for Uber or driving him everywhere anymore.<br />
<br />
His next goal is to possibly get an internship or apprenticeship so that he can increase his earning potential. Driving gives him more access to the world.<br />
<br />
I am extremely proud!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-79118651585703521662020-02-09T20:32:00.000-08:002020-02-10T08:24:14.694-08:00Blind Love <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFP4OLsa0ULYUfc61xmYrNf-WReP419n429fTJ9ZOyWJ0vr_-95bGfFLPJwvl_vXiqhTMrPwtM_oNiOq-GP9qHeBbeBUdGmKTYUpw_h54GNEupluiNnHFZEqHHGuvLT3iF9udQSIOTsR_K/s1600/IMG_4909.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1523" data-original-width="1600" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFP4OLsa0ULYUfc61xmYrNf-WReP419n429fTJ9ZOyWJ0vr_-95bGfFLPJwvl_vXiqhTMrPwtM_oNiOq-GP9qHeBbeBUdGmKTYUpw_h54GNEupluiNnHFZEqHHGuvLT3iF9udQSIOTsR_K/s320/IMG_4909.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div>
Sometimes love is blind<br />
We convince ourselves that the person we think we love is perfect<br />
Unable to recognize their flaws<br />
Unable to see what is at stake<br />
We are stubborn and ignore everyone’s warnings<br />
Someone can tell you how things will never work out<br />
How the person isn’t right for you<br />
That it isn’t meant to be<br />
Even if you concede and agree with that person<br />
Love is a force<br />
No matter what anyone says<br />
You can’t let go of this person<br />
It is not until the day comes<br />
Whether it be rejection, betrayal, or revelation<br />
When you’ve been led on long enough<br />
You finally, wake up<br />
You find out the hard way<br />
It hurts like hell<br />
You feel an emptiness inside<br />
Believing love is not real anymore<br />
That no one could ever desire you<br />
But then<br />
After overcoming this pain<br />
And learning from your mistakes<br />
You find that love is not just a heart-fluttering feeling<br />
You realize that you must see someone for all of who they really are<br />
Both the darkness and the light within<br />
Become aware of everything<br />
Understanding that they are not perfect<br />
Despite their flaws and darkness<br />
You choose to accept them<br />
To embrace them<br />
To cherish them<br />
It is when you finally make this conscious choice<br />
That we know true love<br />
<br />
~Anonymous<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: #990000;">This was written by a self-aware, insightful, old soul, inside of a young man of 21 years. He hopes that this will help someone understand love a little more. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #990000;">Feel free to share it. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #990000;">Love,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #990000;">~Karen </span></i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-63593273056260881412020-01-31T10:15:00.002-08:002020-01-31T10:15:12.421-08:00Job Corps is a "No"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiorvBWaanTzkLHxCGyUerubl4p40xQ2MdlRaNLK55VeZmmqivcq_8vfJ6F9eQIgoYfDBsMQZWLzBqvw9IxSN_mOEEfIJfr9v_0BVSUDuo5Y7VOqZ_84XDJ-SK9E7rNZimCE9axPNhZk-bN/s1600/IMG_4920.HEIC" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiorvBWaanTzkLHxCGyUerubl4p40xQ2MdlRaNLK55VeZmmqivcq_8vfJ6F9eQIgoYfDBsMQZWLzBqvw9IxSN_mOEEfIJfr9v_0BVSUDuo5Y7VOqZ_84XDJ-SK9E7rNZimCE9axPNhZk-bN/s320/IMG_4920.HEIC" width="240" /></a></div>
At this point in our lives, with one son age 20, and the other age 24, I try not to freak out every time something happens with them. Every time they call or text me in a panic --which is sometimes at the exact same moment, I play it cool.<br />
<br />
My self-talk is, “<i>Somehow, this will work itself out. Karen, you have been freaking out their whole lives about everything. The truth is, things usually do work out...one way or another</i>.” <i>After the heart attack. </i><br />
<br />
For months, I have known there are major changes coming down the pipeline for Kendal (my 24-year-old). Kendal is on the autism spectrum. He also has a laundry list of co-morbid diagnoses. He has been living in a townhouse apartment with his older brother Adrian, for nearly 2 years now. He has remained employed the entire time. In fact, he’s worked steadily for the past 5 years. He is happiest when he is busy working.<br />
<br />
It turns out that life is taking a different path for Adrian. He will be relocating in the Spring. He is going to become a father. (<i>Yes. I will be a grandmother. I have all kinds of mixed emotions about that.</i>) I’ve raised three children. I am very much aware of how much it changes your life. Having a baby will be the biggest joy, the greatest love, and the most difficult thing he will ever do in his life.<br />
<br />
Once the baby arrives, Adrian will not have the time to dedicate to taking care of his brother, nor should he have to. He has been helping Kendal out with transportation, managing his finances, personal hygiene, and self-care. He has been a constant sounding board and top advisor. Adrian will need to focus on his new baby son and the family that he will be building. He has been incredibly patient with Kendal --helping him take many steps towards manhood and for that, I am eternally grateful.<br />
<br />
Instead of freaking out and going into helicopter-fix-it-mom, I thought I would sit back and see what plans Kendal would come up with on his own. At first, he said he was determined to stay in San Antonio, which I thought was awesome! He started working with a Life-Skills Coach through his employer (Goodwill) to help him figure out what's next --looking at housing options and better-paying positions.<br />
<br />
When I didn’t see much progress, I suggested that maybe he look into <a href="https://gary.jobcorps.gov/">Gary Job Corps </a>in San Marcos, Texas. It’s located just between here and San Antonio. Job Corps is a free structured, living and training, government program to help young people develop skills for a career. Kendal has been talking in circles about possibly going into a trade for the past two years in between his delusional get-rich-quick-and-easy, entrepreneurial solutions. <br />
<br />
Kendal was excited when he checked out the Job Corps website. Still excited after starting the application process and talking to the recruiter. It was great! Until it wasn’t. That freakin’ anxiety crept up and took over.<br />
<br />
I woke up one morning to the message, “Job Corps” has bad reviews. He also sent a link with some horror stories about things that have happened at the San Marcos location. Stories of drugs, violence, filthy accommodations, terrible food, horrible, health and safety concerns, uncaring staff. Mixed in, there were a few stories of success. Of course, Kendal’s anxiety is drawn to the worst, possible case scenarios.<br />
<br />
“I’m not going to Job Corps.” was the follow-up text.<br />
<br />
<i>Well, there goes my simple solution to just nudge him in the right direction and let him figure it out for himself. </i><br />
<br />
Since then, there have been weeks of extremely high anxiety (mostly him). I’m playing the role of the cool, namaste, mom --acting as if I have no stake in this game.<br />
<br />
“It’s your life. You’re an adult. Whatever happens next is your choice. After all, the Job Corps only wants people who really want to change their lives. Not people whose mamas want them to change their lives.”<br />
<br />
Most of his alternative solutions have no realistic workable plan. They are mostly a non-plan, where he’s going to become an entrepreneur with no money to invest in himself or a business, with no formal training or additional education. Somehow, that’s going to miraculously work out to him being able to live on his own and pay his own way through life.<br />
<br />
Back to my mantra, ”Somehow this will work itself out.”<br />
<br />
There are moments when I absolutely buy into my mantra. Where I’m all self-care, yoga, meditation, inner peace, namaste, and the law of attraction<br />
<br />
In between those moments I am freaking the hell out while trying to pretend that I’m not.<br />
-I can not do this again!<br />
-I don’t even know where to start looking for resources. (<i>It’s like I’m new here.</i>)<br />
-He will not cooperate with me.<br />
-He is oppositional and works against me. It’s mostly the same with his father.<br />
<div>
-I am just not the one-size-fits-all solution anymore!</div>
-We need a resource and a workable solution, as in --yesterday.<br />
<br />
Does one ever finish raising an autistic adult?<br />
<br />
I's tired. So tired. (<i>In my Shug from 'The Color Purple" voice.</i>)<br />
<br />
The other day he texts me. I could actually write a whole book about our daily text conversations. He texts me whenever a new thought runs through his mind. (Insert eye-roll here.) It would be un-freakin-believable.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
“Why do older women seem to be attracted to me more than younger women?”<br />
My answer? “I don’t know, but can you ask one of them if she wants my job?”</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-35062192269496753882020-01-05T13:21:00.002-08:002020-01-05T20:04:47.457-08:00Guardian of Peace <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYwI-EIGbXEzCuelteu2yTzxKBz92eqeY0ATQif7ACGgoD_DPR0TwFwRpU0xlg_3YQiVO5TZe18yCLjU4SvtaT2MvgMS2FQAOkgEI3QFoDBgmZMcT7CT4oEUcr98Xwlxjzvbp7L3PpMqD8/s1600/IMG_4630.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYwI-EIGbXEzCuelteu2yTzxKBz92eqeY0ATQif7ACGgoD_DPR0TwFwRpU0xlg_3YQiVO5TZe18yCLjU4SvtaT2MvgMS2FQAOkgEI3QFoDBgmZMcT7CT4oEUcr98Xwlxjzvbp7L3PpMqD8/s320/IMG_4630.HEIC" width="240" /></a><br />
<br />
You think I’m changing?<br />
You’re right.<br />
I am changing every.single.day.<br />
Shouldn’t I be?<br />
Should you be?<br />
I feel sorry for people who exclaim things like, “I will never change! I am who I am.”<br />
If you’re not changing you’re not growing.<br />
Personally, I hope to never stop growing.<br />
I will never stop seeking knowledge and doing the work on myself; looking at myself critically; forgiving myself for not being perfect; trying to have balance in my life. <br />
<br />
I’ve been working on myself for a few years. You know...after forgetting to work on me while raising our very high maintenance children. Raising three children (two who are autistic) is pretty much all-encompassing. Self-love and care are now a top priority for me.<br />
<br />
Maintaining a 25-year marriage isn't a walk in the park either. I still find it amazing that we made it with no one being harmed physically in the process.<br />
<br />
I saw to it that our children received all kinds of therapy during those years. Therapy for them was like another career for me. Ascertaining therapies, researching medications, putting together educational accommodations and plans to make sure their needs were met.<br />
<br />
When they were teenagers, taking care of their mental health and basically, trying to keep them alive was a huge part of my invisible job.<br />
<br />
Now, the work I am doing on myself is starting to pay off.<br />
Remember when I was depressed and anxious all of the time?<br />
I was walking around here, tired, angry and resentful, feeling very much unappreciated.<br />
<br />
I was overwhelmed and hopeless.<br />
<br />
Talk about being trapped? Trapped is an accurate description for feeling like there is no way out. It felt like there was no way out of all of the responsibility for my children. They became teenagers and then young adults who still have needs. Added to that was the responsibility of caring for my mother whose needs seemed to grow with time.<br />
<br />
My psychiatrist and therapist called what I have "Caregiver Burnout." It’s really a thing. It’s a thing that happens when you ignore your own needs in order to take care of other people. When you’re trying your best to make other unhappy people, happy. It feels like an impossible job because it is. What made me think I could make them happy?<br />
<br />
When it’s your children who are suffering from depression and anxiety, a mother will give anything for them to have an ounce of happiness.<br />
I admit that I got totally caught up in this work.<br />
I had no balance.<br />
I was all in...over my head.<br />
Drowning.<br />
<br />
That's okay. Thankfully, I lived to forgive myself.<br />
<br />
You know how it is when you’ve been working on a job for too many years. You’re not getting any raises or bonuses for a job well done. You don’t receive any recognition. You find your self working all of the time. You can’t catch a break.<br />
<br />
Imagine that you actually live and work at home <b>with </b>your employers. Every time they see your face they ask you to do something for them. You have your “to-do” list all set in your head and someone else is literally adding things to your list continually.<br />
<br />
These people you work for constantly attempt to make you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong, including how they are feeling. They behave as if you are their savior only without the glory. While you’re trying to save them, they are actually sabotaging themselves. You are losing yourself. Rinse and repeat for years and years.<br />
<br />
After a while, you might want to run --to bolt the hell out of there without looking back; no forwarding address.<br />
<br />
I have not been able to quit this job. There is no total escape. What I have done though is to create boundaries between myself and my little non-paying, energy-sucking, employers.<br />
I’m doing my best to maintain these boundaries, which actually takes a great deal of energy within itself.<br />
<br />
I have created this little world for myself with pockets of peace. I put some space in-between me and my mother. We are both better for it.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, this new world means spending time alone, in quiet solitude, writing, doing yoga, eating sushi and drinking wine. It may even mean occasionally traveling by myself, creating the ultimate boundary.<br />
<br />
One of the other things that my therapist says that I have is P.T.S.D. from all of the years of stress and explosions that went off in our house. The loud fights, the constant noise, the aggressiveness, the threats of self-harm, the calls from school, the calls to 911, the mental health hospitalizations. Not to mention playing referee between all of the males in this house, in hopes to keep more explosions at bay.<br />
<br />
Who in their right mind would want to keep living and working in an environment like this?<br />
<br />
I survived it all. I still constantly push away feelings of sadness and fear for these children of mine, who are now grown, men. They are still behind in their development. I ache for the dreams I still have for them. I just want them to have the fundamental things --love, basic happiness, comfort, friends, purpose, independence. I can not provide any of these things for them. At this point, it's difficult to guide them. I can only try to connect them to the resources and tools that they need. They have to drive their lives forward.<br />
<br />
I’m not depressed anymore.<br />
Am I cured?<br />
Am I where I want to be in this growth cycle?<br />
Nope!<br />
<br />
I will, however, keep working to maintain peace and boundaries in my life. Eventually, I will create a world in which I can be happy more than I am sad. I will not allow others to dictate my moods and control my energy. I will protect myself from things I don’t want, and procure more of the things I do.<br />
<br />
I had almost completely given myself away.<br />
I’m back.<br />
Not only am I back. I am new.<br />
I am determined.<br />
I am the guardian of my peace and happiness.<br />
I will work like a mother f*#%er to protect it.<br />
Namaste<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-90006037974194670822019-11-14T12:28:00.000-08:002019-11-14T12:43:12.150-08:00Spinning Wheel <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAprsFT01_UUpriZxK0BcLdnnbNuyS16bFMyN9pnxsmI56B4hKVDFWm5JXW1raFVzRZzJ29XRlcGPKN00l8w6JKgbHof_51ieE02Vh3OIfWUHj1g9kanBaST-F0do55Vq3nEKbFgnFMUil/s1600/CF943D4D-C712-4810-916D-2C543AD587A5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAprsFT01_UUpriZxK0BcLdnnbNuyS16bFMyN9pnxsmI56B4hKVDFWm5JXW1raFVzRZzJ29XRlcGPKN00l8w6JKgbHof_51ieE02Vh3OIfWUHj1g9kanBaST-F0do55Vq3nEKbFgnFMUil/s320/CF943D4D-C712-4810-916D-2C543AD587A5.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I close the door behind me, I feel a strong sense of relief. I lean against the door and take a deep, yoga breath. I want to cry but tears will not fall. I think I’m physically too tired to cry. </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-baad30d5-7fff-7a0c-5d3f-74506811614d" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My sense of relief that my son is on his way home is followed by guilt. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How could I be so relieved to say goodbye to this boy who I love so much? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is a part of my heart. Intrinsically, I feel his feelings from day to day when he’s not here. I ache for his struggle and pain. My mind spins just thinking about his brain and his thought processes. I want nothing but the best for him. And yet, I find him exhausting. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to help him help himself. His oppositional defiance does not allow for my help, even though he screams for my help every.single.day. Keeping up with him is like running on a spinning wheel. The more I run, I find myself completely exhausted and yet in the same place.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am so glad that his father is driving him back down south to the half-way point to meet his brother so he can take him home. They live together ninety miles away from here. I thank God for the distance. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am equally pleased that I am not riding along. The house is empty and beautifully quiet. Finally, there is no talking. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Having him home for the weekend triggered all of the feelings I used to feel when he lived under this roof. I was constantly in sensory overload from listening to the talking, debating, repeating, arguing. He would follow me around as I moved throughout a room as if I would not still hear him if I step a few feet away.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He is 24-years-old now. He lives in a townhouse apartment with his older brother. They constantly talk about what it means to be a man (which I think is mostly a load of bullshit.) Still, when he is home with me, he reverts back to that insecure little boy who can’t stand to have his mama out of his sight. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I step into the laundry room. He follows me. I step into my bathroom to brush my teeth, he follows. I move from one side of the kitchen. He moves towards me. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dude! Back up! I don’t need you standing over me in order to hear you. The neighbors can hear you.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After they pull off with the door closed behind me, I climb the stairs to my bedroom. I want to escape into the chaotic world of the “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” I don’t want to think about my life. I want to be distracted. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When the show is over, I leave the television on and turn down the sound. I have no desire to hear any more words. There’s an awards show on. “E People’s Choice,” I think. Watching celebrities congratulate one another feels like a huge waste of energy. I have no energy to give them in their fancy gowns with boobs hanging out, just short of showing us all a little nipple. Why is fashion? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The compulsion to cry still lingers, hanging around like an uninvited dark cloud. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How did I live this way for so many years? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How did I ever get anything else done? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The stimuli from his barrage of words limit my thought process, which is not all that great, to begin with. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How did I actually write a blog during those years?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No wonder I could never put together an entire book to seal my fate in the world as a successful writer. (At least this is everyone else’s idea of a successful writer.) </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I blogged whenever the boys were at school, at work or when I could escape from the house for a few moments. The fact that any of the writing it is coherent is a miracle. I used to publish back then without a lot of editing. My mind was too cluttered to find my own mistakes. I wrote mostly stream of consciousness, sometimes under the gun of limited time. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Should I shower or should I write? </i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Should I wash my hair or should I write? </i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Should I take a freakin nap, because I feel like I got my ass kicked last night, or should I write?</i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The most important thing for me was to get my thoughts out -to release pent up anxiety and frustration. To maybe have someone read my words and feel less crazy and alone in their own world. For that, I am successful. I’m not the author of a best-seller. I am the author of this blog and thousands and thousands of people have read my words over these crazy years. Some have been helped and changed by our story. This is success. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have to continually tell myself about my success, because if I listen to the people I work for, I would believe that I have never accomplished anything. I don't have a "job." </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Dad earns all of the money.</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I certainly have never done enough for them. Even my husband sometimes reminds me of the entrepreneur and career woman that was when we met. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(11, 83, 148); white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Well, you and your children changed all that. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until I was already swept up in it. </i></span></span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Somehow, I managed to take care of all of the things and all of the people. It all feels like a kind of impossible dream, or maybe a nightmare, in hindsight.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This weekend was a reminder of how overwhelmed I felt for so many years. The more we were all together in this house, the more cross conversations and conflict. I still don’t look forward to the times when we are all together. I’m shocked and amazed when it actually goes well. And the holidays are coming. I can hardly wait. (Insert eye-roll here.) </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When we were all living here together, my husband with his loud reactions and tendency to inflame most situations, instead of ignoring them. My mother and her unsolicited, non-editorialized, commentary on everything. The boys -with their constant questions about everything in the world. They ask only to let me know that I don't know anything. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a part of Kendal’s weekend visit to see us, I took him to visit with my mom at her apartment around the corner. Their interaction triggered the feelings I felt about my mother when we all lived here together. Her inability to stay out of any given conversation that did not involve her. Her unfiltered insults to Kendal as if he has no feelings, and was undeserving of basic human respect. It was like, she thought, ”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He's disrespectful, so why should I respect him? He’s clueless! I can say whatever I want to him. He says whatever he wants to us.” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think she thought somehow she was standing up for me because I chose not to fight every, single, battle. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There was always a definite difference between the way she spoke to Kendal as opposed to the way she spoke to my more sensitive, younger son Blue. I think it was because Blue’s feelings would be easily hurt and then he would want nothing to do with her for days. Also, he could really blow up from zero to one hundred in nothing flat. Kendal, on the other hand, would forgive and forget easily. And if he didn’t, I don’t think she cared. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve always had this thing, whether it’s right or wrong, that I am the only one who has the right to talk shit to my kids. When my mom did it, I would be pissed. I don't even like it when their father says something that I deem as negative. Does he have a right to do so? Well, technically yes, but I don't have to like it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe I feel like, I give them the most unconditional love. I fight for them every day. I work the hardest to understand them. I see how they struggle out in the world each day. Also, they treat me the worst, so I have a right to get angry with them. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The more dialogue and crosstalk in our house, the more sensory stimulation for everyone. The more sensory overload, the higher my anxiety became over the years. I was always about trying to end every conversation without getting to a point where the boys would become aggressive and angry. It seemed as though my mom and my husband didn’t care if they set the boys off. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I constantly felt like a supervisor of the circus. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With all of these triggers, no wonder I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time Kendal moved. No wonder I have turned into this person who craves to be alone. I fantasize about living by myself, having to please or answer to no one; not being on twenty-four-seven call to meet my family’s needs.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used to always tell my husband, "You can be my boyfriend and come visit me in my secret-hide-away." We are great together when we get away from the stress of this life. Sadly, most of the time we had to leave the house in order to enjoy each other as man and wife.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am completely traumatized over how most of the last ten years of my life have gone. The boys in their teens and then transitioning to adulthood. My mom living in the center of our lives. Someone always wanting something from me. Constantly feeling like whatever I did was not enough for any of them. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until the spinning wheel finally slowed down, I didn’t even realize that I had forgotten to take care of myself. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m making up for the lost time</span>.<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Please Click these ads so I can earn 2 cents. :D<br />
<br /></div>
<br />
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-79513654314909013902019-10-29T11:55:00.001-07:002019-11-01T10:06:04.087-07:00Quiet is Everything <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's strange to have peace and complete quiet in my house. That’s not a thing that has happened for years. There is always noise of one kind or another. The landline ringing. My mother’s daytime television shows, “Judge Judy”, ”The Price is Right”, “The Young and the Restless”. (OMG! If I have watch Victor Newman die and come back to life one more time, I would have to shoot myself.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not all of the noise was loud noise. Some of it was benign noise but nevertheless, annoying noise. </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-510a73be-7fff-1bdd-e78b-b6b106baf7ad" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There were years of explosions that could happen at any given moment in this house. It was like living in a War Zone. The boy’s teenage years were full of meltdowns and sibling fighting. When Kendal lived here there was non-stop talking, ranting, complaining, and following me around from room to room until I threatened his life. I could never watch a live television show if I wanted to hear the whole thing unless at least one person was out of the house. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">More recently the explosions are “conversations” between my husband and Blue, my 20-year-old. Blue is a lot like I was at twenty. I did not want to be controlled. He doesn’t either. The difference though is that he is still very much dependent on us. He works, but he doesn’t have a car yet. He doesn’t make enough money to fully take care of himself. We still pay for his transportation and he usually runs out of money before the next paycheck. Therefore, there are uncomfortable conversations that have to be had on a regular basis. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For a long time, I just didn’t really enjoy being at home. Home has been a place from which I needed to escape. There was always noise, bad energy, conflict, and conversations that I didn’t want to hear or be a part of. My husband is a talker too. He and my mother would constantly listen to political news and talk about how horrible the world is on a regular basis. These were conversations that I just did not need or want in my life. Not to mention, my husband works from home. He is constantly on loud conference calls. And frankly, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I think he loves the sound of his own voice. </i></span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every since Kendal moved out, I crave silence. I love to be alone. Some days I put on my “Beats” and drown the rest of the world out just to make things tolerable. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioB-vUpGRPAQH6lu9vApK8ZqHgjUGmM9yC1YMuF86cm4Glch9P-wwuvoTb2M_OUHav0aSM4fmFBuAQC6OKFXY1VQY0HqrL4sMI_puY4UrSL4Vipy74aAERzf5TgdpWaq7A4elavya4Vw33/s1600/IMG_4029.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1511" data-original-width="1600" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioB-vUpGRPAQH6lu9vApK8ZqHgjUGmM9yC1YMuF86cm4Glch9P-wwuvoTb2M_OUHav0aSM4fmFBuAQC6OKFXY1VQY0HqrL4sMI_puY4UrSL4Vipy74aAERzf5TgdpWaq7A4elavya4Vw33/s320/IMG_4029.HEIC" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Me and Mom after her hair appointment</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So a few weeks ago, after almost 10-years, of living in the downstairs dining room of my house, my mother moved into her own apartment. It’s a senior independent living building located literally just around the corner from my house. It had come to the point where Mom could not or would not attempt to climb the stairs because of arthritis and pain in her knees. All of our bathing facilities are on the second floor of our home. She needed a more accessible environment. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Convincing her that we needed to make this change was no piece of cake. I had her work with Occupational, Physical therapists and doctors for months to get her to believe that she had the strength and tenacity to make this happen. She was starting to convince herself that she needed me to do everything for her. Instinctively, I knew a lot of her apprehension was anxiety. Her brain is way too sharp for her to be as dependent as she was becoming. I just did not have the capacity to do 24/7 caregiving after so many intense years of raising my special-needs sons. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I swore months prior to her move that when she left, I would be getting rid of the house landline. I actually had to fight with my husband to make that happen. The phone was primarily used by mom to stay in touch with our relatives and her friends. Otherwise, the constant ringing was either telemarketers or my son, Kendal who would robo-dial the house phone over and over and over, if I didn't answer my cell, which I also keep on silent for the same reason. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Phones ringing is one of many triggers for my anxiety. A pleasant phone call for me is the exception, not the rule. This comes from the days of schools calling to let me know there was an issue with one of the boys and I needed to fix something NOW. My call logs are full of nothing but calls from one of the boys in a panic because they needed something from me...NOW. There is always work and drained energy on the other end of the line. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, my landline is gone. My cell phone remains silent. I had to set a new boundary with Kendal about phone calls. I simply refuse to answer his calls and texts all day long. Basically, our arrangement is, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>don’t call me. I’ll call you. </i>Maintaining this boundary is a constant work in progress.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My mother and Judge Judy now live around the corner. I am creating a more silent, and peaceful world. I am not constantly accessible to do all of the things for all of the people.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mom is doing great by the way. She is more motivated to live her best life and take care of herself as much as possible. She actually likes her space. She doesn’t have navigate around all of our junk. Her refrigerator is just for her. Her bathroom and walk-in shower do not have to be shared with young men. Her paths are clear to walk through her space as she wants to. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She has plenty of help coming in and out all week from her caregiver, who totally pampers her with delicious home cooking, to all of the therapists that she still works with. I am there almost daily. My husband and son also visit her regularly. I can be at her door in a four-minute walk or a one-minute drive. At 80 years young, she is becoming an independent woman. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am happy as f*@% in all of this silence! I actually play music now through the stereo during the day. I stay at home and write. It’s especially sweet when my husband travels for business and Blue is at work. In fact, it's pretty close to heaven.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can love your family and need space from them at the same time. It is allowed. In fact, all of your feelings are valid and allowed, no matter what anyone else thinks. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m sure that isn’t politically correct to say that I am so happy with the silence in my home with two of the adults who were living here out of it. Mom will probably hate it if she or her friends read this. I don’t apologize. I am still dedicated to taking care of her. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't write for my mom or her friends. I write for me and all of the women like me who are caregivers to adults, who are wives and mothers to children with special needs, who wish that they could scream their truth out loud. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hope that you will and don’t apologize for it. </span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-22233109638564778972019-10-12T11:33:00.000-07:002019-10-12T11:33:21.518-07:00Top 10 things I wish I had known In High School. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAfRIVPpVIFlZrcYqROsFulJPDTuMmguXWoIUqt8WsqqU6TllHkr7hjRiS6qRV6I_QD2Ezr47HABmq6RhWaWY-dIWtgdygpN1pTq6eiJ9VEGxUQThGxiQeG_ktKs5h_7CHPBKduRPsyAS9/s1600/85054CD3-3831-4534-A422-697733369676.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAfRIVPpVIFlZrcYqROsFulJPDTuMmguXWoIUqt8WsqqU6TllHkr7hjRiS6qRV6I_QD2Ezr47HABmq6RhWaWY-dIWtgdygpN1pTq6eiJ9VEGxUQThGxiQeG_ktKs5h_7CHPBKduRPsyAS9/s320/85054CD3-3831-4534-A422-697733369676.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school students at one of our local schools. I was invited by a teacher/friend of mine. Somehow she thought I might have something relevant to say to the African/American History Club that she sponsors. She asked me to speak about my "career," which I did. Mother, Wife, Caregiver, Autism Advocate, Writer, Creator of an online autism support group.<br />
<br />
A good part of the time, my self-esteem is in the toilet. It's like I know I'm a badass, but only kinda, sorta. We all have some insecurities. I guess a part of mine is because I haven't reached all of my goals. Been a little busy.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I didn't want to make it all about me. Because, who cares? So I added this list to my presentation. I hope the students got something out of it, other than the donuts I brought. <i>Ha ha</i>!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>Top 10 Things I Wish I had Known in High School </i></b></div>
</div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-6075d653-7fff-f519-34aa-257826ac8657" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Find your passion and follow it! </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Don’t worry about what other people think. What do you love doing that you would do for free if no one paid you? I always had a passion for writing and telling stories. From YearBook Editor in high school to English Composition which was my favorite class because it allowed me to be creative. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I enjoyed high school English so much I wanted to teach it. But No...I listened to my mother and studied business in college. I got into Property Management, Real Estate and the mortgage industry, which was a great learning experience. However, years later I found myself back to my passion for writing. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="2" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The best love affair you can have is with yourself.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Learn to love yourself and listen to your inner voice. In your teens and twenties, relationships are something, but they are not everything. You will have the time of your life. You will meet a couple of jerks. You may even meet the love of your life and still end up heartbroken. It won't feel like it at first, but your heart will heal. Each relationship is an experience that teaches you something about yourself, so it’s worth it. I don't regret one, single relationship I had. I do regret how much power I gave them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Never settle for less than you deserve just to be with someone. You can be happy. You don’t need a relationship to validate that. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="3" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Freedom is everything!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The ability to choose your own path, your career choices, where you will live, without thinking about what other people think, need, or want from you is priceless. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="4" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take every chance you can to see the world. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">-Acquiring things, and wealth is great. But you will always treasure your</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> experiences </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">more than your things. -Take the trip. Go to the concert. Instead of buying the things that you may not even like next year. Get your passport and acquire as many stamps from other countries that you can. Put your toes into as many bodies of water as you possibly can. They're all healing. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="5" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mistakes are okay. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t beat yourself up when you make them. Failures and mistakes teach us the most important lessons. Make sure you pay attention to the lesson and don’t keep following a pattern that doesn’t work. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="6" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Friendship -You do not have to chase TRUE friends.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> You don’t have to always make the plans. Always make the call. You will mutually reach out to each other. You will offer each other comfort and advice. True friends will not make you feel less or unworthy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With a true friend, time can pass without seeing each other and you still pick right up where you left off. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also, become friends with people who don’t look or think just like you. You will learn from each other.</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="7" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a minority ...you will have to work harder than your peers in Corporate America and many other areas of life. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It may not be fair, but it’s a reality of life. Always work hard and do your very best. Even when no one else is looking, someone else is always looking. Let the results of your work speak for itself. If your results are good, eventually you will win the game. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<ol start="8" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div style="white-space: pre;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Helping others is good for the soul.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It helps you to get outside of yourself and to bless someone else. My son had the biggest struggles in high school. It was when he worked with other students with special needs that he felt the best. Those kids were always genuinely happy to see him when others rejected him.</span></div>
<div style="white-space: pre;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The support group and this blog that I created is probably my favorite accomplishment because I reach so many people all over the world and help them feel less alone. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<ol start="9" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Marriage and children are a huge responsibility! </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It can limit your choices. The two sons I gave birth to, are on the autism spectrum. Meeting their needs was really a full-time job. Marriage is hard and long. You definitely start compromising your own wants and needs for your family. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My niece (is my hero) because she is following her passion and not a guy. She just graduated from AFI (film school) and has already traveled all over the world and has already worked on a major television show. “How to Get Away with Murder.” I always told all of my nieces to enjoy life as much as possible before settling down. So far, they are listening. </span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<ol start="10" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life is not a race.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> You don’t have to conform to anyone else’s timeline. It’s never too late to live your dreams. You are not a failure if you haven’t graduated college by 22 or received your Masters by 26. Or published that memoir by age 54. The only failure is if you stop moving forward.</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
</div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-10680174162322937422019-10-01T15:54:00.002-07:002019-10-01T15:54:43.562-07:00"21 Day Self-Love Challenge" <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
A little over a year ago my friend Becca started making daily self-love/self-care posts on her facebook page <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lovebecca26/">Love Becca</a>. I thought she was secretly spying on me. It was as if she was speaking directly to me. <br />
<br />
Let me tell you a little bit about my friend...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirQVPPVANpEDnlF8epSssiKP2joofKxuaxStrlpUpnpVZI2bUTOl60BWnXIT_DDrgqAV5zBAqMNGuG-Ie8C4gtIjJbWf7zkQu_2bA7rhpfA9aXHgTKv9iveGbZrVvv7aj_CyvcgGZA6AuM/s1600/IMG_4247.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1016" data-original-width="1016" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirQVPPVANpEDnlF8epSssiKP2joofKxuaxStrlpUpnpVZI2bUTOl60BWnXIT_DDrgqAV5zBAqMNGuG-Ie8C4gtIjJbWf7zkQu_2bA7rhpfA9aXHgTKv9iveGbZrVvv7aj_CyvcgGZA6AuM/s320/IMG_4247.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Love Becca</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<i>Becca is a single mama to a teenage girl, living in the greater Los Angeles area. She has worked as professional organizer for 18+ years, having started out in her career working as an actress. She is also a certified Feng Shui consultant. Throughout her career, and being a single parent, she discovered the importance of living a happy and well balanced life. She believes you have to treat your mind, body, and soul with love to obtain true happiness...Self Love</i><br />
<br />
Becca was my very first roommate when we were both in our twenties. I can attest to her natural talent of organization. She was then and is now, everything that I'm not with organization and planning. At the same time we have so much in common. We both ended up back at our passion for writing to support women.<br />
<br />
In her daily Facebook posts, she talks about simple things that we should be doing to take care of ourselves as women. During my busiest years with the boys, I have been guilty of ignoring my own basic self-care. For years I allowed my family to be a priority over taking care of myself.<br />
<br />
One day she wrote about making regular doctor appointments. I was like...<i>Hello. How does she know I’m overdue for my annual exam by several months.</i> Then she wrote about drinking more water (not including the ice cubes in my vodka cocktail.) She wrote about having dates with yourself, doing simple things that you love each day, to spending more time doing something creative.<br />
<br />
Her writing speaks directly to me.<br />
<br />
I believe that her <a href="https://lovebecca.com/21-day-self-love-journal-challenge/">"21 Day Self Love Journal Challenge"</a> will speak directly to you. Better yet, it will give you the opportunity to have a serious talk with yourself.<br />
<br />
I hope that you will click the link above and take the challenge. This challenge changed my life and the way that I look at myself. It got me further down the self-love road. I hope you will take the time to give back to your self.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Karen<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-56325653794803353702019-08-14T16:00:00.001-07:002019-08-15T09:57:58.631-07:00The Wine Tastes Better...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3RG58k52ckfDb29tCyJ32ZQSbYw4dLNSidB90L4CRGM1LcI0Fgepri_bY59X7BE0ZFJotI-99zBzOvKAzjDBVwS4bhLO-biPI9HpPBax_0XSTYVePecm1O-2e0UUh_JczJQfNr0rq1FTj/s1600/17BF8C51-DBD5-41D7-B6B1-50F868DB07BE.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1281" data-original-width="1600" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3RG58k52ckfDb29tCyJ32ZQSbYw4dLNSidB90L4CRGM1LcI0Fgepri_bY59X7BE0ZFJotI-99zBzOvKAzjDBVwS4bhLO-biPI9HpPBax_0XSTYVePecm1O-2e0UUh_JczJQfNr0rq1FTj/s320/17BF8C51-DBD5-41D7-B6B1-50F868DB07BE.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't believe I ordered the 6 ounces<br />
and not the 9</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What does it mean when the glass of wine taste so much better when it's served to you in a restaurant where you're having sushi alone, than it does when you're at home surrounded by your family? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What does it mean when you drive away from home and you feel yourself breathing more deeply? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You suddenly feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted? </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-bb8cd4c1-7fff-1709-6dfb-b49bf6cdfafe" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What does it mean when you’re driving home after a weekend away and the closer you get to home, you’re overcome with a sense of dread? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What does it mean when leave yoga class feeling renewed and relaxed but when you get in your car, you can’t seem to make yourself drive home? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you finally make it home, you sit in your car in the garage, for a few extra minutes in an attempt</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to extend the peace for just a few moments more. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You’re feeling all zen and you don’t want it to end. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>(Notice my cool rhyme? I should be a rapper.)</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You find yourself cowering...hiding, </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">praying that no one comes to open the door to see why you’re just sitting in the car. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>When my son Kendal, lived at home you could best believe he would be in the garage trying to open the car door to start with the talking and the questions.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i> </i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You don’t go inside where the people are because you don’t want to feel the energy of anyone who doesn’t align with your own sense of peace. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You don’t want to hear any requests to give up any piece of yourself. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What does all of this mean? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Does it mean your body is trying to tell you something? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you listening? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Is your soul is begging for peace? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peace has come to mean solitude. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">People are often equivalent to a drain of energy. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe it means that your life is whispering,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">maybe even screaming…</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Something needs to change. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Things have changed. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The boys are adults. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They don’t need me in the same ways. And yet, they still look to me as their biggest resource. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am trying to sit in the back seat and just let them drive, but I really want to get out of the car altogether. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s time. And yet, it isn’t. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are autistic. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The average 20 and 23-year-old doesn't have a clue about what they want to do with their lives. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My boys are still figuring out what they want to be when they grow up. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They are still figuring out finances, saving, driving, and basic independent living skills. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As much as I may want them to, they don't operate on my arbitrary timelines. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have to constantly navigate between leaving them alone to make their own choices and nudging them forward.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have more freedom than I’ve had since they were born. And yet, I am still so saturated by the experience of being a mother.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What can I say? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I got drunk on motherhood.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I overdid it. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There were too many years of no boundaries.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I literally felt everything they were going through. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There were no lines between their emotional needs and my own. </span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Too much of anything is not healthy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, it's like my body and mind is in a state of rebellion.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel it physically in my stomach and in my chest when I hear myself saying yes to something that I absolutely </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>know</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I don't want to do. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can't do it anymore.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't want to do all of the things and take care of all of the people. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't want to cook. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't want to go to the grocery store. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Well, I never wanted to go to the grocery store.) </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t want to be everyone’s everything anymore.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I do a fair amount of beating myself up for these feelings. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I keep showing up, doing the work through therapy, reading, journaling, listening to podcasts. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am treating my mental health like it's a full-time job. I'm getting a degree in </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">self-care. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I realize that I am allowed to have these feelings and love my family at the same time. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am allowed to love myself and make what I want a priority. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span> <span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s okay to want to love my family from a distance sometimes.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like from a small apartment on the beach. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Absence makes the heart grow fonder. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I felt so much fonder last weekend when I was in Houston with my girlfriend. And my family was not. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The boys need me less, my mother needs me more. I have all kinds of ambivalent feelings about that. Especially, since her need for me is elective. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently, I heard her say, “My daughter is my everything.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A lot of people would be thrilled to hear those words come from their mother. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The words hit me like a ton of bricks. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have been everything to my children for so long. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have been her world for the last 10 years during one of the most stressful periods of my life. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium; white-space: pre-wrap;">For years it was like thinking and decision making for at least three people at a time, four if I include my husband. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was busy working. He didn't have time for small things like what we should have for dinner. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am energy depleted. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(7, 55, 99); white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm trying to restore myself and at the same time avoid energy drains. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: medium;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(7, 55, 99); white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do all of these feelings that seem to be intertwined with my </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">actual home</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, mean that I am not happy here? </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, home is supposed to be your refuge ...your place of solace. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Home is my place of work...neverending work. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perpetual needs of others to be met.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s the place where I worry the most. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s the place where I am constantly figuring out all of the things</span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Home might be peaceful.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It might not. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Things can erupt at any given moment.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That has been the case for years. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The amygdala of my brain is constantly on alert.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">P.T.S.D. is in full effect. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s exhausting constantly being on standby for an explosion or an interruption. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are other energies that live here. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They do not always align together. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They definitely don’t always align with mine. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Is this why I like being away from home more and more?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can control the energy when it’s just me to think about. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Home is a place where I cringe when I hear my name. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Someone wants something from me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a creative spirit with focus issues. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Home is not always the place where I can create. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I create here when I can, but there are little zaps of resentment when my energy is sidetracked. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My whole life has been sidetracked. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm ready to get on course. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To stop living by accident, in a state of reaction to the needs of my family.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m a mother, a wife, a caregiver to my mother. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I didn’t sign up for this latest shift. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is overtime. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's like extended, sequestered jury duty. They won't let me go home ...to my place of peace. </span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When the boys were children, I literally gave them everything I had without thinking twice. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Autism and depression made their happiness elusive. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I tried my best to make up for that anyway that I possibly could. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I will never forget the day I picked Kendal up from school in the fourth grade. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was sad. He was crying because his friends were sitting around together being goofy and laughing together. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He didn’t understand what was funny. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He just wanted to laugh like everyone else.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He used to laugh together with his friends in the first grade. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the third grade, they were secretly laughing </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>at</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> him because of his constant impersonation of Sonic the Hedgehog (which was very good by the way). </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the fourth grade, he found no reason to laugh. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All he could feel was difference. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Let’s go get some ice cream,” I would say, as he cried in my arms. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Tonight we will have whatever you want for dinner.” </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just an ounce of happiness. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Is that too much to ask for a nine-year-old child? </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a mother, still. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a caregiver. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I give care to others.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am an empath.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel all things deeply.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My family has watched me give and give and give, over so many years. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They have come to expect it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s a shock to them that suddenly I realize that I can no longer live without boundaries.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saying yes all time wasn't healthy for any of us.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saying yes makes people in your care have more expectations and entitlement.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saying yes without thinking left me empty. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I forgot how to say yes to myself. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I forgot that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I am a self</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you are a giver, people are naturally inclined to take what you offer. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They don’t concern themselves with what you have leftover to give to yourself.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That my dear love is up to you.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There will be no elaborate ceremony where you will be given permission to take care of you. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is a gift you give to yourself.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I make the choice to take care of me every day.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I chose to listen to my voice and not allow it to be drowned out by others. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My happiness is not a destination. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is a journey…</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #073763; font-family: "courier" , monospace; font-size: 13.999999999999998pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and I have a closet full of the most comfortable shoes.</span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1873479349447813718.post-87574334484070469242019-07-26T19:09:00.004-07:002019-07-26T19:09:43.305-07:00Brain Shut-down <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Q1Yv07_9139SCv34mtX_Otmb8y3Rq-7zahw9fBbOzNqDceFZwMrERUJQCt52eJCD6tjvHadSWmom4M5j_iZzebTAZtyeIguyEujDrUNnCwD_8IkvflaRONqsu3QF-gqbFSW_Q_m9Xw-D/s1600/9CF4FC56-FA4D-42D7-A9E4-40209B9988E3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Q1Yv07_9139SCv34mtX_Otmb8y3Rq-7zahw9fBbOzNqDceFZwMrERUJQCt52eJCD6tjvHadSWmom4M5j_iZzebTAZtyeIguyEujDrUNnCwD_8IkvflaRONqsu3QF-gqbFSW_Q_m9Xw-D/s320/9CF4FC56-FA4D-42D7-A9E4-40209B9988E3.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My brain shut down for a week. I mean like, out-of-order, out-to-lunch. Restart button is not going to cut it. There would be no figuring, calculating, writing, thinking or fixing of anyone’s anything for seven complete days. </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-fed034f4-7fff-bd43-8faf-d06b58265289" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The summer virus from hell, or maybe it was heaven-sent, showed up out of nowhere. The first symptoms were chills, then a low-grade fever, along with a dry cough. Headaches, body aches, and general brain-numbness. A basic lack of ability to think clearly or with any degree of complexity.</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The wonderful side-effect of all of that non-thinking was the inability to worry and constantly problem-solve as my brain always does, even when I’m trying to sleep. My brain doesn't shut off. That button is defective. You push the button at bedtime. It may work. It might not. It may work for a while and then suddenly turn back on at three o'clock in the morning. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was constantly hungry, but couldn’t think of anything healthy to eat. There was no energy or awareness to call and coordinate doctors, attorney’s and elder-care agencies to work on the current situation with my mom. Her lack of mobility and inability to climb the stairs to take a shower would simply have to wait. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a writer, I feel the incessant need to write. Especially, if there is some quiet time available. Nope! My brain wasn’t having it. Thoughts would come and then go before I could get them down on paper. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I tried my normal witty banter on social media. Every status was dumb and more boring than the last. I found myself whining about the details of being sick. And then I realized how much I hate when people do that. No one really gives a shit about your coughing fit and the fact that you can’t seem to wake up. No one needs an announcement about your naps and headaches. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I would find myself posting and then when the fever would break and I got some nutrition into my body, I would come to my senses and delete the posts. I did this over and over again. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I discovered that I don't simply love social media, I love my own narcissistic banter on social media. I love the parts I control. I love my clever friends and fellow-positive thinkers, people who are honest and funny. I pretty much hate the parts I can't control. Like all of the political posts and posts about criminals. Can't scroll past that crap fast enough. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am so generous, I spared all of my friends the selfies I took of myself looking pathetic, in bed with an unwashed face and hair that hadn’t been washed or combed in days. There were many thoughts of shaving my head during this seven-day period. Thankfully, I didn't have enough energy to follow through. </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The point is that my body and mind took a break to get the rest that it needed. It didn’t wait for me to agree to the deal. It just bogarted! </span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bogart -according to google...</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 2.9454545454545453; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bo·gart</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3714285714285712; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #70757a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">/ˈbōɡärt/</span></div>
<b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.5pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">verb </span><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 7.5pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">INFORMAL•US</span></div>
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">selfishly appropriate or keep (something, especially a lit marijuana cigarette).</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"don't bogart that joint, my friend"</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not that I know anything about marijuana. That's all Google.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My body took what it wanted, stopped and looked at me like, </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier, monospace; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>'Yeah. What you gonna do? Nothing! Lay your ass back down and go to sleep! These people and their problems will still be here ready to suck your blood next week when I’ve had enough rest. Thank you very much.' </i></span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>
Karen Wesley Writeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02337598132381046024noreply@blogger.com