My Love Note

As mothers of children with autism, especially those with anger issues, we often wonder why they save all of their negative energy and anger just for us?  Why do we get to see the worst of them? Why do they sometimes behave as if they hate us, when we are the one person in the world who loves them and will do anything for them?

Every year for Mother's Day all I want is a little peace.  Unfortunately, autism doesn't give a damn about Mother's Day and neither does sibling rivalry.  Blue seems to have a lack of ability to ignore anything.  Red seems to have a superior ability to be annoying.  So if the two of them are present, there will be no peace.  It's really sad that I can not truly enjoy peaceful time with my children.  Unfortunately, that is my reality.

If you've been following the blog lately, you know that his major tool of annoyance these days is judging our actions as not being "Christian enough."  His fixation is on the bible, and getting us all to follow it according to his standards.  He can not seem to contain himself.  And so, there is pretty much constant bickering and fighting. Blue is leaning more towards being agnostic because of his scientific mind, things must be proven to him.  He doesn't subscribe to blind faith.  He certainly will not subscribe to Christianity as long as he thinks you need constantly judge people and their beliefs the way that Red does.

For Mother's day this year, I asked for simple handwritten notes from my guys ...no cards, no gifts.  And then I wanted to be left alone in my own house, to bathe, walk around naked, wash and twist my hair, sip champagne and just breathe.

Hubby gave me everything I asked for including a beautiful (typewritten) hand-signed, love letter.  It was 2 full pages!  He then took the boys out for a double feature movie day.  Blue told me he had no words from his heart, but he ended up coming through with a beautiful love note.  Red, did not comply.  He gave me  a single carnation that they were giving away at church for all of the moms.

I won't share my husband's love letter.  I will share my love note from Blue because it may help you understand your own child ...

Mom, 

You probably think I don't love you. Mostly because I am mean to you, I ask you to do a lot of things, and I mostly get angry in front of you.  I really can't live without these three things.  I can't 100% control my mean side.  No one else will do the good things you do, and you're the safest person I can get angry at.  I love you mom, not the way you want me too, but deep inside I do. 

Happy Mothers Day, 

Blue 

  

Drive to School Conversation

Blue -Do you really think I'm smart?  There are a lot of people at my school that are way smarter than me.
Me -There's always going to be someone with a higher IQ who has strengths in different areas. That doesn't mean you're not smart.
Blue -Well, I'm taking AP classes but not IB (International Baccalaureate) Yes. I had to look up the spelling.  Shows you how smart I am. 
Me -That's because of your anxiety, not because you're not smart.  We made your class schedule according to your whole person, not just how smart you are.  We don't want you to be stressed out like you were the first semester.  Besides, unfortunately, you don't have the best home environment for 3 to 4 hours of homework every night.  You and your brother and all of your fighting and antics.

Blue -Do you like Whitney Houston?
Me -Yes. Love her.
*"I Will Always Love You" is on the radio
Blue -Why do they say this song is hard to sing? *Pauses. Hears her hit a long high note.  Oh now I see. That does sound hard.
Blue -What kind of music does she sing?
Me -Pop and maybe some R&B
Blue -Yeah.  This song sounds like R&B
Me -Really? Because this song was originally written and sung by Dolly Pardon, a country artist.
Blue -Country? Really? Like a male sang it?
Me -No Dolly Pardon is a woman! Hello!

Blue -Why is Jennifer Lopez a judge on American idol? Can she even sing?  I mean is her music any good or does she just have good marketing and performing? *Why J-Lo came up ...I have no idea. 
Me -Well -she's been in the music business for a good twenty years.  First as a dancer, then a singer, and an actress.
Blue -Yeah but does she really have any talent?
Me -I think she does.
Blue -I think the judges on American Idol should be old people who have really been around for a while.
Me -Yes -but do you think older people would like the modern music of today?
Blue -True.

He gets out of the car.  He's on time  ...a little early even.

I start to drive home. As I pull into the garage suddenly, I notice his baggie of vitamins and medicine is still sitting in the cup-holder. Great! Off I go on my weekly double drive to the school.

Too many questions.

You Got Played

Blue has been putting on this very elaborate, dramatic act about how much he HATES his brother! "He's so stupid! He's so annoying!"

He tries to pick a fight at every possible turn.  He gives me… 

 “The kids at school HATE me, that's why I'm so angry! You HATE me! Why are are you always mad at me? All you ever to is tell me what I’m doing wrong,” excuse.  

The gestures, the grimacing and yelling are all very exaggerated. This happens at any given moment when Red crosses his path, even if he’s doing absolutely nothing to Blue. I don’t care how good of a mood he has been in up until that point.  Red enters a room and he becomes a raging monster! 

I told him every time he says, "YOU HATE ME” to me, I'm going to give him a kiss.  (He HATES kisses.)  Also, his weekends are about to get very boring (no friends over) if he starts one more fight. Oh, and “Don’t ask me to take you to the Apple store or any other special favors.” 

The next thing you know ...I find the two of them TOGETHER, in Red's room watching Dragon Ball Z. 

Just how long do you think you can play me dude? What do you have up your sleeve next for attention? As if I don't already give you enough! 

To think I never used to think that my sweet, wonderful sad, little Aspies, who have so many strikes against them in the world, would try to purposefully manipulate me for attention?  

Mama you got played! They may have Aspergers but they are still children ...teenagers, who never get enough attention. 

Well, I’ll give you attention alright, but you may be sorry you asked for it.