The things that are going on behind our doors makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother. I know I am doing and have done a lot for these boys, but nothing is ever enough.
This status I posted on Facebook may give you some idea of what’s going on.
3 a.m. -My mom calls my cell phone from her downstairs bedroom.
"Are you o.k.? I heard you ask Red to leave your room. Do you need me to come up there?"
She was dreaming or rather having a nightmare. We live in a war zone. We suffer from PTSD.
Feel me?
Red is so miserable, worrying about every detail of his transition into adulthood. Both boys generously spread around their every emotion for all of us to bathe in. They seem to have no interest in self-regulation, or using the coping skills that they’ve been taught in therapy. They want to express every emotion that they are going through, loudly, over and over again. Years of therapy, and social skills classes sometimes feel like a waste of time and money.
When Red is in a decent mood, he puts a lot of energy into annoying the hell out of all of us. Recently, he actually said, “When I’m being annoying that means I’m happy.” His repertoire of annoying behaviors includes singing, loud heavy metal music as soon as he wakes up in the morning. It doesn’t matter that the rest of us are sleeping or perhaps trying to watch the news or whatever.
 |
| This makes me laugh! Reminds me of I Love Lucy |
He has also been ranting and raging and perseverating on religion. Sometimes, following me around the house, refusing to leave me alone. He reminds me of those people you see out on street corners screaming, “If you haven’t accepted Christ as your personal savior, you're going to hell! Get saved today!” I’ve even put on headphones to drown him out because he just won’t stop talking! He seems to be in and out of mania. He’s driving the crazy train and he’s taking me along for the ride.
Blue has absolutely zero patience and tolerance for his brother. He is impulsive, and like a moth to a flame when it comes to Red’s behaviors. He wants to control him. He has to chastise him and constantly tell him what he should an should not be doing. He calls Red all of the names in the book, except for the one that we gave him (stupid, idiot, fat, ugly, worthless). Of course, I’ve tried everything to curb this behavior, but they are both out of control! The fighting between them is pure madness right now.
I would say that our family is in crisis. We can not keep living this way. We need to make some major changes with a quickness. I believe we need family rehab, intense therapy, something! And fast or somebody is going to end up getting hurt. I may be the smallest one in the house, but it ain’t gonna be me!
I have a plan ...it may or may not involve finding someone another place to live. I am also open to suggestion. Suggestion! I said! Not judgement. You know what...go ahead judge me. I'm too tired and crazy to give a ...
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
Robots for kids
Robotic Online Classes
Robotics School Projects
Programming Courses Malaysia
Coding courses
Coding Academy
coding robots for kids
Coding classes for kids
Coding For Kids
Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago