The things that are going on behind our doors makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother. I know I am doing and have done a lot for these boys, but nothing is ever enough.
This status I posted on Facebook may give you some idea of what’s going on.
3 a.m. -My mom calls my cell phone from her downstairs bedroom.
"Are you o.k.? I heard you ask Red to leave your room. Do you need me to come up there?"
She was dreaming or rather having a nightmare. We live in a war zone. We suffer from PTSD.
Feel me?
Red is so miserable, worrying about every detail of his transition into adulthood. Both boys generously spread around their every emotion for all of us to bathe in. They seem to have no interest in self-regulation, or using the coping skills that they’ve been taught in therapy. They want to express every emotion that they are going through, loudly, over and over again. Years of therapy, and social skills classes sometimes feel like a waste of time and money.
When Red is in a decent mood, he puts a lot of energy into annoying the hell out of all of us. Recently, he actually said, “When I’m being annoying that means I’m happy.” His repertoire of annoying behaviors includes singing, loud heavy metal music as soon as he wakes up in the morning. It doesn’t matter that the rest of us are sleeping or perhaps trying to watch the news or whatever.
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| This makes me laugh! Reminds me of I Love Lucy |
He has also been ranting and raging and perseverating on religion. Sometimes, following me around the house, refusing to leave me alone. He reminds me of those people you see out on street corners screaming, “If you haven’t accepted Christ as your personal savior, you're going to hell! Get saved today!” I’ve even put on headphones to drown him out because he just won’t stop talking! He seems to be in and out of mania. He’s driving the crazy train and he’s taking me along for the ride.
Blue has absolutely zero patience and tolerance for his brother. He is impulsive, and like a moth to a flame when it comes to Red’s behaviors. He wants to control him. He has to chastise him and constantly tell him what he should an should not be doing. He calls Red all of the names in the book, except for the one that we gave him (stupid, idiot, fat, ugly, worthless). Of course, I’ve tried everything to curb this behavior, but they are both out of control! The fighting between them is pure madness right now.
I would say that our family is in crisis. We can not keep living this way. We need to make some major changes with a quickness. I believe we need family rehab, intense therapy, something! And fast or somebody is going to end up getting hurt. I may be the smallest one in the house, but it ain’t gonna be me!
I have a plan ...it may or may not involve finding someone another place to live. I am also open to suggestion. Suggestion! I said! Not judgement. You know what...go ahead judge me. I'm too tired and crazy to give a ...
