I turned around, blinked my eyes and suddenly, Red is dating a girl. If you follow our story, you know that dating has been a subject that's been on the agenda pretty much since he was able to talk. He has always enjoyed the attention of the females. In the toddler years, this was easy. He was the cutest boy ever, with big brown eyes and super long eye lashes and a smile to die for.
Come 4th grade that childish innocence and smile was traded for a scowl that read, Approach me if you dare! Which of course, made it much harder to find girls who were willing and able to look past that. Of course, he was still as handsome as ever ...an impeccable dresser, who could easily wear a white shirt and all white Nike tennis shoes and come home without a spec of dirt to be found anywhere.
Still, he managed to pull in a girlfriend in the 4th grade. She was the only black girl in his class and he one of two black guys. I guess that made him stand out in the crowd and somehow, he did it. They "went out" together for maybe a month before things fell apart. And by "went out," I mean she came to our house to play. Her mom took them to a movie. We took them both to a football game. And then one day, it was over. She started ignoring him suddenly and that was all she wrote! He was livid! He cried. He didn't understand what he had said or done. It was a mess. So he spent the balance of the school year hating her, majorly distracted by her mere presence and they were in the same classroom. Yeah. That was fun.
Middle school was filled with more girl drama --two-week girlfriends, followed by months-long drama. What did I do? Why doesn't she like me anymore? Why is she so mean to me? High school was even worse. He never actually landed a girl in that competitive setting. He was too busy looking at the ones who were impossible to get --the cheerleaders and most popular girls who didn't give him a second glance. He had tunnel vision. I prompted him over and over again to take his blinders off --to look around and see all of the really sweet girls who didn't have anyone. He couldn't do it. He was stuck on "certain" girls, which I thought would surely be the death of me.
When I say this latest dating situation came out of nowhere ...I mean, no.where. For months he's been back on the, "It's not fair that I don't have a girlfriend" kick. He moaned and ranted on Facebook about it. He even blatantly said, it was my fault because I kept him away from all of the prettiest girls in high school.
Months ago, I heard him speak of this girl in his Adult Transition group, but not with any particular interest. And Red usually tells me EVERything. In fact, sometimes he tells me things I don't even want to know.
They've been to a few social outings as a group. They sat next to each other on the bus. "She chose to sit right next to me and the bus was almost empty," he said.
When I met her, she just seemed very sweet, sincere and honest. And apparently she is interested in getting to know my son better. I just think it's kind of funny that the very first step in that process in their minds, was to put on Facebook that they are in a "relationship."
One night he's moaning about how long it's been since he's had a girlfriend. The next day, I'm out having lunch. I check Facebook to see that a girl has linked with him in "In a Relationship". What.The.Heck?
I downplay my reaction when I get home. He actually seemed a little reserved about it as well. He told me the status was her choice.
Since then, they have gone on 4 dates ...two trips to the mall for lunch and shopping, 1 trip to her church for service on Sunday and they volunteered together for a homeless program that her church sponsors on another day.
My worries are all about the fallout and what our family will have to go through if this all falls apart. In the past, fallout from friendships and relationships have meant hell for our family, and by our family, I mean mostly me.
There are so many intangible things to learn in this process of an interpersonal relationship with the opposite sex. This is compounded of course by Aspergers and just plain old being naive and inexperienced.
However, I've been too this rodeo before with my older son. I watched him fall in love and get his heart broken. We talked Slim about safe sex, if there really is any such thing. We watched him make mistakes that we could see coming a mile away. Sadly, many of us must learn things the hard way. We refuse to learn from other people's experience.
It's my parental policy to try to keep the lines of communication open, so that there is no need for any sneaking around. Lord knows ...I was really good at that when I was a teenager. We will have to have numerous talks about the birds and the bees and all that goes along with that. And I do mean numerous! I am hopeful that Red's strong Christian faith will be helpful in keeping things slow and easy for a while. He believes that sex is reserved for marriage. At this point however, he has no idea how the body can take over the mind in the heat of the moment. I hope to be nearby with a fan to keep things cool.
One thing for sure, despite my worries and fears, I can not keep him from experiencing this step in his life. I will be there with my eyes and ears open, hoping that it is a source of happiness and confidence building for them both.
I provided transportation for the most recent date, which gave me a chance to get to know her a bit. Once I picked them up, he asked me if I could drop him off at church after we took her home. We were closer to his church already. I said, "Well I could take you now, but you would have to ask her how she feels about me dropping you off first and then taking her home."
He asked her. She responded, "I want him to ride home with me like a proper boyfriend is supposed to do." And that is exactly what he did.
 |
| I miss this innocent smile...Red, age 4 |
Come 4th grade that childish innocence and smile was traded for a scowl that read, Approach me if you dare! Which of course, made it much harder to find girls who were willing and able to look past that. Of course, he was still as handsome as ever ...an impeccable dresser, who could easily wear a white shirt and all white Nike tennis shoes and come home without a spec of dirt to be found anywhere.
Still, he managed to pull in a girlfriend in the 4th grade. She was the only black girl in his class and he one of two black guys. I guess that made him stand out in the crowd and somehow, he did it. They "went out" together for maybe a month before things fell apart. And by "went out," I mean she came to our house to play. Her mom took them to a movie. We took them both to a football game. And then one day, it was over. She started ignoring him suddenly and that was all she wrote! He was livid! He cried. He didn't understand what he had said or done. It was a mess. So he spent the balance of the school year hating her, majorly distracted by her mere presence and they were in the same classroom. Yeah. That was fun.
Middle school was filled with more girl drama --two-week girlfriends, followed by months-long drama. What did I do? Why doesn't she like me anymore? Why is she so mean to me? High school was even worse. He never actually landed a girl in that competitive setting. He was too busy looking at the ones who were impossible to get --the cheerleaders and most popular girls who didn't give him a second glance. He had tunnel vision. I prompted him over and over again to take his blinders off --to look around and see all of the really sweet girls who didn't have anyone. He couldn't do it. He was stuck on "certain" girls, which I thought would surely be the death of me.
When I say this latest dating situation came out of nowhere ...I mean, no.where. For months he's been back on the, "It's not fair that I don't have a girlfriend" kick. He moaned and ranted on Facebook about it. He even blatantly said, it was my fault because I kept him away from all of the prettiest girls in high school.
Months ago, I heard him speak of this girl in his Adult Transition group, but not with any particular interest. And Red usually tells me EVERything. In fact, sometimes he tells me things I don't even want to know.
They've been to a few social outings as a group. They sat next to each other on the bus. "She chose to sit right next to me and the bus was almost empty," he said.
When I met her, she just seemed very sweet, sincere and honest. And apparently she is interested in getting to know my son better. I just think it's kind of funny that the very first step in that process in their minds, was to put on Facebook that they are in a "relationship."
One night he's moaning about how long it's been since he's had a girlfriend. The next day, I'm out having lunch. I check Facebook to see that a girl has linked with him in "In a Relationship". What.The.Heck?
I downplay my reaction when I get home. He actually seemed a little reserved about it as well. He told me the status was her choice.
Since then, they have gone on 4 dates ...two trips to the mall for lunch and shopping, 1 trip to her church for service on Sunday and they volunteered together for a homeless program that her church sponsors on another day.
My worries are all about the fallout and what our family will have to go through if this all falls apart. In the past, fallout from friendships and relationships have meant hell for our family, and by our family, I mean mostly me.
There are so many intangible things to learn in this process of an interpersonal relationship with the opposite sex. This is compounded of course by Aspergers and just plain old being naive and inexperienced.
However, I've been too this rodeo before with my older son. I watched him fall in love and get his heart broken. We talked Slim about safe sex, if there really is any such thing. We watched him make mistakes that we could see coming a mile away. Sadly, many of us must learn things the hard way. We refuse to learn from other people's experience.
It's my parental policy to try to keep the lines of communication open, so that there is no need for any sneaking around. Lord knows ...I was really good at that when I was a teenager. We will have to have numerous talks about the birds and the bees and all that goes along with that. And I do mean numerous! I am hopeful that Red's strong Christian faith will be helpful in keeping things slow and easy for a while. He believes that sex is reserved for marriage. At this point however, he has no idea how the body can take over the mind in the heat of the moment. I hope to be nearby with a fan to keep things cool.
One thing for sure, despite my worries and fears, I can not keep him from experiencing this step in his life. I will be there with my eyes and ears open, hoping that it is a source of happiness and confidence building for them both.
I provided transportation for the most recent date, which gave me a chance to get to know her a bit. Once I picked them up, he asked me if I could drop him off at church after we took her home. We were closer to his church already. I said, "Well I could take you now, but you would have to ask her how she feels about me dropping you off first and then taking her home."
He asked her. She responded, "I want him to ride home with me like a proper boyfriend is supposed to do." And that is exactly what he did.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago