My living conditions are less than desirable. Yes. I have a quaint, little home, and according to many, I live a charmed life, you know ...not working and all. HA! I work my ass off, 24/7. Sometimes, I'm glad that I don't have to go into an office and then come home and deal with this crap. Other times, I wish I could go into an office to avoid some of this crap.
By less than desirable living conditions, I mean the constant arguing, bickering, meltdowns, fights and explosions that go on here. Nobody can mind their own business. Everyone wants to be in control of everything and everyone. Both boys want to tell me how to parent the other one. No one wants to back.down.ever! This is our normal and honestly, it's kicking my ass.
I was never all that "together" of a person in the first place. I've always been a little ADD -unorganized, forgetful, scatterbrained ...whatever you want to call it. Lately, that's been taken to a whole new level! I'm not just my regular crazy. I have crossed over in to pure, unadulterated, cray cray! Wearing clothes inside out -in public, forgetting or not wanting to eat, which leads to headaches, difficulty making decisions. Yep ...cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
I've been writing about horrible Morning Scenes for years now. In some ways they have gotten better. Red is 18 now, and does most things, as he should for himself. He does make the bus when he's supposed to, even if he hasn't brushed his teeth. (We keep a toothbrush and toothpaste in his backpack for these occasions.)
It's still extremely difficult to get both of them out of bed most days. Red can get up at the crack of dawn for church, but not for school. I dread getting them up every.single.day! I've tried every strategy/bribe there is. Nothing works for long.
By 9:15 in the morning ...I literally feel like I've been beat up, like someone has just slapped the shit out of me. Either that, or I feel like I've run a marathon. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.
This morning ...Blue is yelling at Red first because he is actually using the bathroom, "stinking it up!" Then he jumps down his throat to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He goes on and on and on for a good 15 minutes.
-That's disgusting!
-What's wrong with you?
-You should know this by now! Why do we have to keep reminding you?
-And Mom -why haven't you taught your son to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.
-This should be a habit! It should be automatic!!!
Then he starts in with calling his brother every name in the book, from idiot, to fat, to dumb and so on! When I give him a consequence for the name calling, he goes ballistic!
-I can't help being angry!
-Why are you getting angry because I'm angry?
-I can't help screaming!
-I can't help cursing!
-I can't stop myself!
-This is who I am!
-Why are you punishing me for being angry?!
-Why are you being on his side?!
-Why are you letting him get away with everything!?
It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy! I am the right-wing in this scenario. In reality I am totally left!
I was never all that "together" of a person in the first place. I've always been a little ADD -unorganized, forgetful, scatterbrained ...whatever you want to call it. Lately, that's been taken to a whole new level! I'm not just my regular crazy. I have crossed over in to pure, unadulterated, cray cray! Wearing clothes inside out -in public, forgetting or not wanting to eat, which leads to headaches, difficulty making decisions. Yep ...cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
I've been writing about horrible Morning Scenes for years now. In some ways they have gotten better. Red is 18 now, and does most things, as he should for himself. He does make the bus when he's supposed to, even if he hasn't brushed his teeth. (We keep a toothbrush and toothpaste in his backpack for these occasions.)
It's still extremely difficult to get both of them out of bed most days. Red can get up at the crack of dawn for church, but not for school. I dread getting them up every.single.day! I've tried every strategy/bribe there is. Nothing works for long.
By 9:15 in the morning ...I literally feel like I've been beat up, like someone has just slapped the shit out of me. Either that, or I feel like I've run a marathon. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.
This morning ...Blue is yelling at Red first because he is actually using the bathroom, "stinking it up!" Then he jumps down his throat to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He goes on and on and on for a good 15 minutes.
-That's disgusting!
-What's wrong with you?
-You should know this by now! Why do we have to keep reminding you?
-And Mom -why haven't you taught your son to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.
-This should be a habit! It should be automatic!!!
Then he starts in with calling his brother every name in the book, from idiot, to fat, to dumb and so on! When I give him a consequence for the name calling, he goes ballistic!
-I can't help being angry!
-Why are you getting angry because I'm angry?
-I can't help screaming!
-I can't help cursing!
-I can't stop myself!
-This is who I am!
-Why are you punishing me for being angry?!
-Why are you being on his side?!
-Why are you letting him get away with everything!?
It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy! I am the right-wing in this scenario. In reality I am totally left!
Last night's fight between these two gigantic boys was a doozy. It left me shaking and exhausted. I had no appetite when it was over. Except for an appetite for 3 glasses of wine. I must be a complete idiot for trying to come between them. Part of me feels like letting them just clobber the shit out of each other. The other part of me knows, that the more things escalate ...the more things escalate. Rage and anger can turn into true violence if it's not squashed.
This time, I threatened to call the police department. This crap is getting out of hand. I can't do it anymore. Let an officer explain what happens when you handle anger in this manner. They don't get a damn thing when it comes from me. It's like my voice is on mute. All they hear is like Charlie Brown ..."Wah wah woh wah wah."
When Hubby gets involved, it's just adding more testosterone to the mix, like adding fuel to the fire.
I've said it before, about Red, now it's Blue.
I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. I am supposed to remain, cool, calm and collected while he rages. It just ain't right! It goes against all human instinct. I try ...I really do. I just can't do it.
I really think I should just move out! Get my own apartment ...run away. I think they would get along better without me.
And yes ...I have told them this.
photo credit: annotatedmst.com
I've said it before, about Red, now it's Blue.
I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. I am supposed to remain, cool, calm and collected while he rages. It just ain't right! It goes against all human instinct. I try ...I really do. I just can't do it.
I really think I should just move out! Get my own apartment ...run away. I think they would get along better without me.
And yes ...I have told them this.
photo credit: annotatedmst.com
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago