Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Confessions of a Frustrated Mom

My living conditions are less than desirable.  Yes.  I have a quaint, little home, and according to many, I live a charmed life, you know ...not working and all.  HA!  I work my ass off, 24/7.  Sometimes, I'm glad that I don't have to go into an office and then come home and deal with this crap.  Other times, I wish I could go into an office to avoid some of this crap. 

By less than desirable living conditions, I mean the constant arguing, bickering, meltdowns, fights and explosions that go on here.  Nobody can mind their own business.  Everyone wants to be in control of everything and everyone. Both boys want to tell me how to parent the other one.  No one wants to back.down.ever! This is our normal and honestly, it's kicking my ass. 

I was never all that "together" of a person in the first place.  I've always been a little ADD -unorganized, forgetful, scatterbrained ...whatever you want to call it.  Lately, that's been taken to a whole new level!  I'm not just my regular crazy.  I have crossed over in to pure, unadulterated, cray cray! Wearing clothes inside out -in public, forgetting or not wanting to eat,  which leads to headaches, difficulty making decisions.  Yep ...cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! 

I've been writing about horrible Morning Scenes for years now.  In some ways they have gotten better. Red is 18 now, and does most things, as he should for himself.  He does make the bus when he's supposed to, even if he hasn't brushed his teeth.  (We keep a toothbrush and toothpaste in his backpack for these occasions.) 

It's still extremely difficult to get both of them out of bed most days.  Red can get up at the crack of dawn for church, but not for school.   I dread getting them up!  I've tried every strategy/bribe there is.  Nothing works for long.  

By 9:15 in the morning ...I literally feel like I've been beat up, like someone has just slapped the shit out of me.  Either that, or I feel like I've run a marathon.  I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.  

This morning ...Blue is yelling at Red first because he is actually using the bathroom, "stinking it up!"  Then he jumps down his throat to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.  He goes on and on and on for a good 15 minutes.  

-That's disgusting!  
-What's wrong with you?
-You should know this by now! Why do we have to keep reminding you? 
-And Mom -why haven't you taught your son to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.
-This should be a habit! It should be automatic!!! 

Then he starts in with calling his brother every name in the book, from idiot, to fat, to dumb and so on! When I give him a consequence for the name calling, he goes ballistic! 

-I can't help being angry! 
-Why are you getting angry because I'm angry? 
-I can't help screaming! 
-I can't help cursing! 
-I can't stop myself!
-This is who I am! 
-Why are you punishing me for being angry?!  
-Why are you being on his side?!
-Why are you letting him get away with everything!?

It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy! I am the right-wing in this scenario.  In reality I am totally left!

Last night's fight between these two gigantic boys was a doozy.  It left me shaking and exhausted.  I had no appetite when it was over.  Except for an appetite for 3 glasses of wine.  I must be a complete idiot for trying to come between them.  Part of me feels like letting them just clobber the shit out of each other.  The other part of me knows, that the more things escalate ...the more things escalate.  Rage and anger can turn into true violence if it's not squashed.  

This time, I threatened to call the police department.  This crap is getting out of hand.  I can't do it anymore.  Let an officer explain what happens when you handle anger in this manner.  They don't get a damn thing when it comes from me.  It's like my voice is on mute.  All they hear is like Charlie Brown ..."Wah wah woh wah wah." 

When Hubby gets involved, it's just adding more testosterone to the mix,  like adding fuel to the fire. 

I've said it before, about Red, now it's Blue. 
I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship.  I am supposed to remain, cool, calm and collected while he rages.  It just ain't right! It goes against all human instinct. I try ...I really do.  I just can't do it. 

I really think I should just move out! Get my own apartment away.  I think they would get along better without me.

And yes ...I have told them this.  

photo credit: