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| photo credit: livebyquotes.com |
So, instead of waiting and wanting to put together a big post on the big fail of an experiment of having Blue off of meds for two months. How it seemed to be going well, until it wasn't. It really, really wasn't. It became a complete and utter mess, where I was walking on eggshells and breaking up fights and enduring explosions on a daily bases. Yes, there were some good points, his personality seemed to evolve. He became more articulate about things he had been feeling for such a long time. He even found his sense of humor again. That part was great! The other parts -not so much. In fact, it has royally sucked around here.
The fact of the matter is, we are still only inching our way back through the muck of finding a new med combination, and hormones, and zero to 100 in nothing flat, anger, and anxiety and the first year of high school, for Blue and AP classes, and R.O.T.C. and stress and rage, and violent meltdowns.
Let's not forget, this is Red's last year in high-school, his last semester, as a matter of fact. Yeah, that change is going to be so easy. Oh yeah, it's just been a barrel of fucking laughs around here.
I've decided that I will have to try something a little different. Instead of not writing at all, which may or may not have a little something to do with my lack of sanity over the past couple of months. I will write in snippets. I will just spill my guts in the format of a diary ...right here in public, for the entire world to read.
Why? Because writing is cathartic for me. It is my therapy. As I've said so many times before. I have no therapist to talk to. Who has time for that shit? First you have to find someone that you trust and feel comfortable with, then you have to make a standing appointment. My life is already chuck full of standing appointments for everyone in this entire family! Yes ...that includes the dog, who gets his hair done, more often than me!
So, I will come here. I will write. I may not make any sense. I may not always be grammatically correct. (As much as I loathe bad English and bad grammar.) I need to just write. I need to be free. I need to let this shit out! And if it's not perfect, well shit, neither am I.
Maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, someone will read my shit and say, "Damn I thought my life was fucked up. At least I'm not the only one!"
I want you all to know ...I don't curse this much in real life. I am a fucking lady after all! Most of my bad language floats around in my head. Sometimes, I go into my bathroom and curse out my kids, my husband, my mother and my dog. I flip the occasional bird when no one is looking. Sometimes, I let it out here...and every day on Facebook, several times a day, actually. You should follow me there. I really am a hoot! That is of course, unless you're offended by the cursing. In that case, well hell! I don't know what to tell you.
For any of my family who is reading this...I'm sorry. Truly I am. No. I take that back. This is my release. If you don't like it ...I'm not writing it for you! Ha! I say all of this with love in my heart.
~Karen
By the way, tonight I am following the advice of Ernest Hemingway, because that's how I roll. He said, "Write drunk. Edit sober."
So I guess I'll edit this tomorrow. But I'm going to go ahead and publish it tonight. Why? Because I don't follow any stinkin' rules!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago