Monday, December 2, 2013

Dear Blog

photo credit:
My lovely, lovely blog.  I've missed you so very much.  I keep waiting for this big block of time, where I can write this fabulous, monumental post about all of the crap that I've been dealing with in the past couple of months.  That hasn't happened.  I have no idea when it will.

So, instead of waiting and wanting to put together a big post on the big fail of an experiment of having Blue off of meds for two months.  How it seemed to be going well, until it wasn't.  It really, really wasn't.  It became a complete and utter mess, where I was walking on eggshells and breaking up fights and enduring explosions on a daily bases. Yes, there were some good points, his personality seemed to evolve.  He became more articulate about things he had been feeling for such a long time.  He even found his sense of humor again.  That part was great! The other parts -not so much.  In fact, it has royally sucked around here.

The fact of the matter is, we are still only inching our way back through the muck of finding a new med combination, and hormones, and zero to 100 in nothing flat, anger, and anxiety and the first year of high school,  for Blue and AP classes, and R.O.T.C. and stress and rage, and violent meltdowns.

Let's not forget, this is Red's last year in high-school, his last semester, as a matter of fact.  Yeah, that change is going to be so easy.  Oh yeah, it's just been a barrel of fucking laughs around here.

I've decided that I will have to try something a little different. Instead of not writing at all, which may or may not have a little something to do with my lack of sanity over the past couple of months.  I will write in snippets.  I will just spill my guts in the format of a diary ...right here in public, for the entire world to read.

Why? Because writing is cathartic for me.  It is my therapy.  As I've said so many times before.  I have no therapist to talk to.  Who has time for that shit?  First you have to find someone that you trust and feel comfortable with, then you have to make a standing appointment.  My life is already chuck full of standing appointments for everyone in this entire family!  Yes ...that includes the dog, who gets his hair done, more often than me!

So, I will  come here.  I will write.  I may not make any sense.  I may not always be grammatically correct. (As much as I loathe bad English and bad grammar.) I need to just write.  I need to be free.  I need to let this shit out! And if it's not perfect, well shit, neither am I.

Maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, someone will read my shit and say, "Damn I thought my life was fucked up.  At least I'm not the only one!"

I want you all to know ...I don't curse this much in real life.  I am a fucking lady after all!  Most of my bad language floats around in my head.  Sometimes, I go into my bathroom and curse out my kids, my husband, my mother and my dog.  I flip the occasional bird when no one is looking. Sometimes, I let it out here...and every day on Facebook, several times a day, actually.  You should follow me there.  I really am a hoot!  That is of course, unless you're offended by the cursing.  In that case, well hell!  I don't know what to tell you.

For any of my family who is reading this...I'm sorry.  Truly I am.  No.  I take that back.  This is my release.  If you don't like it ...I'm not writing it for you! Ha!  I say all of this with love in my heart.


By the way, tonight I am following the advice of Ernest Hemingway, because that's how I roll. He said, "Write drunk. Edit sober."  

So I guess I'll edit this tomorrow.  But I'm going to go ahead and publish it tonight.  Why? Because I don't follow any stinkin' rules!