Slowly, I am learning to just-say-no to things I that I simply do not want to do. I do a lot for other people...a lot! In fact, I would venture to say the majority of my life is spent living for others. That's not a bad thing unless, you end up completely giving yourself away to the point where you have nothing left. I have been known to do that in the past --the recent past. It's like you're just giving out little pieces of candy on Halloween and before you know it...the entire bag is gone and you have nothing left for yourself. Some people might end up raiding their kid's candy bag for chocolate once they get home. But of course, I would never do that!
As a mom, have you ever gone to the store to buy groceries --keeping in mind every individual's special wants and needs? This one likes this cereal. This one likes yogurt. This one likes trail mix. The other one wants ice cream. You get home only to discover that you have bought absolutely nothing that YOU like. You end up with nothing for yourself. No wonder you've begun to hate going to the grocery store. It has become another chore, another job that you do for everybody else!
As we sat at the breakfast table this morning one by one, the boys start to inform me of their plans for the day. They are telling me who needs rides where, and when and requesting that I pick this friend up and have that friend over. Meanwhile, I have my own obligation to take my mother to the airport for her annual trip to visit her brother. Yes -Lord! Thank you for the Beverly reprieve! Sure I'll have to wash more dishes and do more laundry, but I will have to go to the store less for wine! And will take less trips to Target, her doctors, hair and nail salons.
I can not be all things to all people, at all times. Sometimes the answer is -Yes. Sometimes the answer is...um...NO!
Yes -Red, I will pick up your friend and allow him to spend the night at our house.
Yes. My answer has a lot to do with the fact that I am so freaking thrilled that you finally have a really nice friend that you connect with. O.K. maybe it also has to do with the fact that when your friend is here, at least you aren't talking MY head off and wanting me to entertain you.
No -you can not go with me to the airport or with me to pick up your friend.
I want to spend that time with my mother alone, without listening to you talk!
I also plan on stopping on the way back to have lunch ALONE!
No -Blue I can not take you to the YMCA to swim today.
I will be busy taking care of my mother. You can ask your dad. You do have more than one parent. I'm sorry if you're mad at your dad. You better try to talk it out with him if you want a ride.
Yes -Blue. Your friend J. can come over this evening.
No -I will not be taking you and J to the mall or to the movies when he comes over.
I'm sorry you can't figure out what you and your friend will do here ...other than spend time together hanging out. That part is not my problem.
Yes -Red's friend N. I will pick you up.
No -I will not bring you back to your grandmother's house tomorrow.
Your dad can pick you up and take you back to your grandmother or home. Whatever works. Otherwise, you can just STAY at your grandmothers. I am not making 2 trips into Austin, while your parents do whatever it is that they are doing.
No -I will not be taking you two to the movies.
Do you guys have any money? No? Well there you go!
Yes -Husband. You can run away while I have the teenage friends over. Because OMG, I know you can't really stand extra teenagers in the house.
However, you will have to spend some time with your sons this afternoon while I disappear.
So, I take my mother to the airport. Get her all taken care of. I burn rubber in the parking lot and then stop here:
As a mom, have you ever gone to the store to buy groceries --keeping in mind every individual's special wants and needs? This one likes this cereal. This one likes yogurt. This one likes trail mix. The other one wants ice cream. You get home only to discover that you have bought absolutely nothing that YOU like. You end up with nothing for yourself. No wonder you've begun to hate going to the grocery store. It has become another chore, another job that you do for everybody else!
As we sat at the breakfast table this morning one by one, the boys start to inform me of their plans for the day. They are telling me who needs rides where, and when and requesting that I pick this friend up and have that friend over. Meanwhile, I have my own obligation to take my mother to the airport for her annual trip to visit her brother. Yes -Lord! Thank you for the Beverly reprieve! Sure I'll have to wash more dishes and do more laundry, but I will have to go to the store less for wine! And will take less trips to Target, her doctors, hair and nail salons.
I can not be all things to all people, at all times. Sometimes the answer is -Yes. Sometimes the answer is...um...NO!
Yes -Red, I will pick up your friend and allow him to spend the night at our house.
Yes. My answer has a lot to do with the fact that I am so freaking thrilled that you finally have a really nice friend that you connect with. O.K. maybe it also has to do with the fact that when your friend is here, at least you aren't talking MY head off and wanting me to entertain you.
No -you can not go with me to the airport or with me to pick up your friend.
I want to spend that time with my mother alone, without listening to you talk!
I also plan on stopping on the way back to have lunch ALONE!
No -Blue I can not take you to the YMCA to swim today.
I will be busy taking care of my mother. You can ask your dad. You do have more than one parent. I'm sorry if you're mad at your dad. You better try to talk it out with him if you want a ride.
Yes -Blue. Your friend J. can come over this evening.
No -I will not be taking you and J to the mall or to the movies when he comes over.
I'm sorry you can't figure out what you and your friend will do here ...other than spend time together hanging out. That part is not my problem.
Yes -Red's friend N. I will pick you up.
No -I will not bring you back to your grandmother's house tomorrow.
Your dad can pick you up and take you back to your grandmother or home. Whatever works. Otherwise, you can just STAY at your grandmothers. I am not making 2 trips into Austin, while your parents do whatever it is that they are doing.
No -I will not be taking you two to the movies.
Do you guys have any money? No? Well there you go!
Yes -Husband. You can run away while I have the teenage friends over. Because OMG, I know you can't really stand extra teenagers in the house.
However, you will have to spend some time with your sons this afternoon while I disappear.
So, I take my mother to the airport. Get her all taken care of. I burn rubber in the parking lot and then stop here:
I have a perfectly sinful, cheesy, spinach, mushroom, crawfish and shrimp fondue. A delicious, cold glass of wine.
It was the best hour of my day.
My mama didn't raise no fool!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago