Ugh...punch in the gut. You know that feeling when you get those butterflies...that nervous, anxious sensation.
Great...he's done something again.
Something that has gotten him in trouble.
Something that I will have to get him through.
Something he will have some consequences for and I will have to deal with the fall out.
Something that he will feel bad about after the fact and thus his self-esteem and self-loathing will take another hit.
"Hi I'm looking for Red."
"Oh...he's in the A.P.'s office with Mr. H. He had a bit of a melt and Mr. H. called me to come over and cover his class."
Great! This was the punch. Ugh! You see...I had been floating through the day thinking all was relatively well and now...this.
The boys have been going at each other a little more than usual lately...if that is at all possible. Red has been more impulsive. Blue -a little more anxious because it's the first week back to school. Neither one of them seem to have the capacity to mind their own business. And they both seem to feel safe taking out their feelings about the rest of the world on each other. Silly me, I scheduled therapy for both of them back to back. Blue is scheduled to be picked up 10 minutes later for his appointment. In fact, I have already called the office at the middle-school to have him come down and meet me.
I have to go to the Assistant Principles office to retrieve Red. I can hear his voice from outside the door. He is agitated. I go inside and listen to much of what is non-sense spewing from him. The A.P. gives me the run down of what took place according to statements. Blah blah blah, blah blah is what I hear. I've heard it all before. It's the same kind of crap that I have been dealing with since middle school. Perhaps even 5th grade. When will he ever get it!? This is what I am spending hundreds of dollars in therapy for and he still doesn't get it!
Sure things are better. He is a little more in control than he used to be of his anger. At least now he's not yelling and cursing at people (well not often) ...but his behavior and social skills are still behind the curb. He is so angry that on the way out of the building he slams the door open. I am coming out of the other door. If it weren't for my quick reflexes the damned door could have knocked my glasses into my face or broken my freaking teeth!
At this point I call the middle school and tell Blue to go back to class. "I'm sorry but your brother is having a near meltdown over here and I don't want the two of you in the car together."
"O.K. I understand."
I have to cancel his therapy appointment.
I won't get into the details of what exactly happened with Red. Let's suffice it to say it has to do with
-misinterpreting social cues
-wanting to feel included in a group and feeling left out
-wanting to feel loved an accepted but going about it in the wrong way
-not connecting the dots as to how some of his behaviors can make other people feel
And at this point I am weary that he may NEVER be able to connect those dots.
High school can be torturous for a lot of kids. You don't know who you are. You're just trying to fit in. For him ...torture is putting it mildly. High school for my Aspie is like an alien world where he has no idea how to relate to it's citizens, who by the way, speak another language. He tries to speak the language but somehow they still don't understand him. They know he's from another planet and most of them do not accept this foreigner into their culture.
He has taken so many steps forward in the past year. His conversation skills have improved probably by 90%. He is taking Theatre Arts and I think he has learned to play the role of having socially acceptable and socially "expected" conversations.
He has become very close friends with another young man who is on the spectrum, who seems to do very well socially. Through this friend, Red has started going to a new church where there are many peers from his high-school and surrounding area high-schools. He has gotten pretty good at "playing the role" of a "hard core" Christian. I am sure that his faith has been strengthened and he really believes in trying to follow the example of Christ. At the same time, I think that he sees this role as a way to make friends and influence people.
You see before, he didn't know what to do or say...what to talk about. Now he follows the Christian script. That's what he does...he follows scripts --using words from movies, t.v. shows or from other people that he is impressed by. It used to be his older brother. In fact...he still hangs on to some of his lines. He thinks his brother is so cool and after all ...he knows how to get girls. They may be the wrong girls...but they are girls nevertheless. Sometimes he uses the lines of his father, especially when he is trying to correct his younger brother. Lately, he sounds very much like his new Christian friends.
Yep he's playing a role because his own personality has not gotten him very far socially. How hard must it be to not be able to be yourself all day long? How much energy that must require. Not only that...he is looking for a rather instant payoff. By smiling and being socially appropriate ...he is looking for girls to come up to him and like him, hug him...maybe even want to be his girlfriend. I mean why not? He is good looking, dresses nicely ...he is playing the part of a totally cool kid.
He wants people to totally forget about the negative, angry, intense person that he used to be, not all that long ago. That person whose ugly head still comes from underneath the surface occasionally. Forget about the barrage of negative, angry messages he put out as his Facebook statuses, when he is angry ...talking about how his life sucks and F*#% this and F*#% that!
Now I'm a nice guy! Can't you all see that?!!! Like me damn it! I want to be popular. Oh yes...he's actually reading articles on the internet about how to become popular ...as if there is really some magical formula that gives you charm and charisma, that makes you funny and endearing. I mean maybe there is even a magic pill for it!
There has been a lot of positive feedback from his new attitude. There are a lot of people who smile at him and say hello, they exchange cordialities. The kids that he helps with more severe disabilities absolutely LOVE him. He does have more friends than he has ever had in his life. And I'm talking about good friends ...the ones who know the real him and reach out to him and hang out with him on a regular basis.
Unfortunately ....he seems to have his eyes set on this particular core group of kids who look like they have it all. They look like they are having the most fun. They are certainly the prettiest girls and he actually knows some of these girls from his past and they are nice to him. But they are not skipping from A to Z to go out with him or be his best friend. He seems to have no idea what's supposed to actually happen between A and Z in order to build a relationship with someone of that nature. Despite the social skills classes and therapy.
When he is putting on this super nice guy performance and he doesn't get that instant gratification ...that pay off that he's looking for...that desire turns in to anger and self-loathing --exacerbated feelings if .. they don't think I'm good enough...I must not be good enough. I will never be good enough!
Then we have the impulse control issue....going up and saying something inappropriate or doing things that may others feel uncomfortable...that component of unexpected behavior. Then the next day or the next week ...he is surprised somehow that everyone is not going to turn around and be his best friend as a result of his own behavior.
We also have the lack of perspective and self-responsibility. When they don't show him that expected pay off of best friendship or he gets into trouble because of some unexpected behavior...it's all their fault. If they just tried better to understand him, or if they just knew, what he goes through and how sorry he is. All he wants is to fit in. That's all he is trying to do. Why is he then in trouble for just trying to make that happen?
It's ironic is that one of his favorite scripts that he says to his brother at least 3 times a day is, "You need to learn how to take responsibility for your actions!" Yet ...he seems unable to do that himself.
Now ...he is a perfectly nice kid...in fact, just the day before this punch in the gut --a teacher is crossing a parking lot to say to me...
"I just wanted to tell you that I have been at this school for 15 years ...and I have never seen such a breath of fresh air as your son. He is so kind and he has made just so much improvement in the past year. He's just incredible! I would have to sit down with you and just make a list of all of the wonderful things I see him doing."
This was less than 24 hours before I picked him up to find out he was in the Assistant Principles office. Yes ...it felt like a punch in the gut. It took the wind right out of me and left me feeling completely deflated wondering will he ever get it? Will he ever connect the dots? Will he ever be able to make it in the real world because despite his gifts and abilities his social inequities can end up just blowing him out of the water.
I try my best to remain positive ...but when you get punched, it takes you a few minutes to just feel the pain, maybe even cry so that eventually, you can catch your breath.