Friday, January 11, 2013

Another Aspergers Mom

Editorial Note: This post is written by an Aspergers Mom I met through my Confessions Facebook Community.  She has been experiencing some really difficult times with her son.  He is now 18 years old adult, so he is even more difficult to manage.  She can't be sure if he is taking medication or not.  He is big, and strong and can not be made to do anything.   Everyone's journey is different.  Her experience is different from mine but I'm sure not all that different than many other parents.  

I keep an open mind and never discount the feelings of other parents raising kids on the spectrum.  I do not judge their thoughts or feelings ...because I don't march in their shoes.  If you line up a group of Aspergers kids ...each and every one of them will be different.  That is why it's called a spectrum.  I see that in my own life with two children with the same diagnosis, who could not be more different.  

Today I share her thoughts with you.  It's raw and it is the reality of this Aspergers mom and many others... 

Aspergers Awareness Moment

I love and adore my son unconditionally but autism has cruely robbed us of who my child used to be and what he could become.

I remember him as a giving, loving, intelligent, affectionate and happy child. and then I started noticing things that were not normal, things that were against his I took him to countless of doctors.  They all told me different things, none of which I accepted...until I read about Aspergers. 

Aspergers is cruel and mind boggling, it is never ending and there is no cure. 

Everyday that we have to walk on eggshells to prevent meltdowns in which he can break windows, mirrors and china cabinets with his bare hands and even worse, harm himself because he gets so angry at himself for losing control.

You see he has no choice in the matter...once he loses it...Aspergers takes over and he becomes an obsessive, selfish, impulsively violent man-child and is scary to watch.

Everyday I dread the phone ringing in case there is bad news about my son

Everyday I worry is today the day he goes over the edge?

I try to see his soul.  I think back to when he was a baby when he was all those loveable things.  I hold on to those memories for dear life.

I need order to give him praise him everyday and to love him.

Everyday I hold on to those memories in order to stay strong for him.  I wonder if those things are deep within him buried deep down inside and no one can reach them...not even him. 

It's difficult to watch him beat himself up over the times he loses it. He knows what he does is wrong and hateful and he feels so bad afterwards.

He struggles to reach in deep to find himself as he used to remember how he used to be. But he cant find himself.  He is lost to Aspergers.

So you see autism can be cruel.

I try to look at his soul and the way I do that is to remember him as a baby everyday to get through another rollercoaster day of uncertainty and fear. 

So now you know why I hate aspergers with all my might. 

I want my baby back. I want to be affectionate with him, to praise him to show him love...yet he doesnt feel these things, they are lost to aspergers. 

I want him to hug me back, to give me a sunshine smile like he used to.

I want to hear him say I love you mom without being prompted. 

I want him to feel emotion, to be happy with himself, to achieve new goals. 

I want him to live without fear and embarrasment because he knows he's different.  He longs and tries to be like everyone else and it hurts to watch him not succeed.  

It hurts to watch other kids make fun of his efforts to fit in. 

It's hard to watch adults stare at him without compassion, wondering what the hell is wrong with him. 

I wonder what will become of his future.

I can guide him and teach him but I never know when Aspergers will come to rob us again of
another step forward. 

This is why I HATE autism and Aspergers. It has taken my son away from me and those who love him. 

I love him without question...unconditionally, but I have to remember who he really is...that sweet innocent baby that I held in my arms not so long ago. 

So no...I do not feel blessed to have been cruelly robbed of my son. 

I have learned so many things...but I have also experienced such deep heartache that its difficult to breathe sometimes.

I feel hatred  towards Autism and Aspergers.

~Another Aspergers Mom