I have to say, that the closer he gets in his relationship with God, the more clear his thinking seems to become. That...along with the therapy we're paying an arm and a leg for. That's right, instead of us helping him by a car at 17...we are paying cash for a therapist who specializes in working with Aspies on sexual and relationship issues.
So there's a girl...who shows interest in Red. She has been showing interest for quite some time, but he didn't pay attention to it, as he was too busy focusing on girls who did not even know he was alive. Now that he has come down to reality, this seemingly nice young lady has caught his interest as well. Although, he is taking things surprisingly slow. He is developing a friendship with her. He is slowly ...very slowly trying to get to know her. It's kind of strange to see him with this approach.
I caution him, don't just ask her out for the sake of saying, "I'm dating someone." Don't just ask her out because you think you should. You need to be sure of your feelings. You need to really get to know her and her family to determine if she is a good fit for you.
He tells me, "She deserves respect. Not just some guy who is trying to have sex with her. I'm trying to show her respect and get to know her." Wait a minute...who is this kid?
Later on we're having lunch he says, "I really want to take my time. I don't want to have sex because I know it's a sin, but just in case it happens...would you be mad?" Ugh! Punch to the gut! I am not ready for this...and neither is he, despite what his hormones and teenage urges tell him.
When we talk about double protection he asks, "What do you mean? Like wear 2 condoms?"
Woo hoo! We are so not ready here.
We talk about safety, and sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, protection for both parties (birth control and condoms) and still...there are no 100% guarantees.
Fortunately, he knows a young man at school whose girlfriend already has a baby. Of course, the young man he has no money or life skills to give this child. Red can see this...and says he doesn't want to end up in that situation. Yeah...but isn't that what they all say?
We talk about abstinence being the best policy...that sex is designed for people who are ready for that kind of emotional commitment. It's for people who can afford to pay the consequences if a pregnancy comes out of the situation.
He tells me honestly he just wants to know what it's like to kiss someone, give them a hug, and have them hug him back. I am realistic and tell him how one thing can lead to another. It's kind of like how he feels about cursing. He swears because of his Christianity, that he wants to stop cursing. But everyday there he goes! Oops! It just slipped out. It just happened. I couldn't help it! The next thing you know...he will be saying the same thing about kissing. Oops! It just happened. We were just kissing naked and I slipped and fell into her vagina!
He is getting closer in his relationship to God. He is talking and listening to his youth Pastor and at least has in his mind...that he wants to do the right thing. He feels free enough to talk to me. He periodically talks to his dad, and to his older brother (who can also be clueless when it comes to sex and doing the right thing. Oy...that's a whole other blog post!) But at least he's talking and thinking out loud. So eventually, when and if anything happens...we will know about it, and hopefully we can help him be prepared.
I have to keep reminding myself, he is 17. The curiosity about sex is at it's peak right now. At least we can talk about it...even if afterwards I need a very strong drink.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago