Who likes homework really? None of us. Personally, I hate it. If feels like teachers are punishing me for having to put up with my kids all day. For Red it has never been about what he knows how to do. It's about what I have the patience to HELP him do. It's about how much of a headache I want for the night.
"Why do they even give it out?"
"Are they trying to torture us?
"Are they trying to make us all miserable?"
I've heard these questions thousands of times from both of the boys over the years. I feel their pain...literally.
Blue (13) really does see the point. He realizes it's about practicing what you have learned. Sometimes it's an opportunity to finish what you weren't able to finish in class. He goes through great lengths to get his done. He will stay after school for tutorials and even go to the library or to Starbucks to work in a less distracting environment than this house with his brothers shenanigans. It doesn't mean that homework doesn't cause him stress and that sometimes...he just doesn't feel like doing it. He gets overwhelmed. It has even caused him meltdowns. After holding it all together at school, sometimes he wants and needs to come home and just chill...have some downtime.
At the same time, Blue has an ultimate goal. He wants to go to college. He says he wants to get a Ph.D. He wants to be the best in his class. He wants to be well...perfect...and he will drive us all completely nuts in order to get there.
Red is a different animal altogether. As he reaches the finish line of high-school he is starting to get a little more than panicked about his future. You see, he wants to be successful. He wants to be "rich"even. He wants to be able to buy all of the "things" that he thinks will make him happy. However, he does not want to come out of his comfort zone or push himself to do things that he just doesn't want to do.
He says he wants to go to college, but only because he thinks that will yield him the best return on making money faster...and he wants everything fast! Unfortunately, he has never been one for getting out of the comfort zone and doing things that he really just does not want to do. He is only self-motivated when it comes to doing what he enjoys. He can sit for hours and work on editing a video, but he won't sit for 30 minutes to read a book for class unless someone is pointing a gun to his head. He has taught himself how to use video editing software, but he can't or won't figure out how to do a research project for school.
He is on a minimum graduation plan, because of this fact. Not because of his level of intelligence, but essentially because of his processing speed, which appears to be extra slow and because when he is sitting in a regular-ed classroom full of distractions, he can't focus and follow what's being taught, especially if he is just not interested. It all sounds like garbly goo to him. They may as well be speaking French. He requires a smaller, more quiet environment with individual attention. He does fine with his grades in a special education classroom. He gets the work done and makes good grades.
Part of the issue is also that in the high-school environment, he seems to be extremely distracted by the social climate. Why do all of these other boys have girlfriends? They all look like they're having so much fun, talking and laughing. He doesn't know how to do that. He feels left out. It really kills him when he sees the couples holding hands and making out. He takes all that garbage to class with him, which takes up space in his mind for actual learning.
The theme of our conversation on Monday, on our way to his therapist is about how panicked he is about going to college because he's not in regular classes and he gets so much support. He doesn't do any homework. How can he possibly get through college without the same level of support? Well...son the truth is they don't hold your hand in college. College is for people who are self-motivated enough to get through the subjects that they hate...in order to get to the classes that they love. It's sad for me to say...I don't see that for him. I've asked him to challenge himself and take a few regular ed. classes...to bring assignments home to work on. He did take regular science last year and was totally lost. He refuses to do homework. So there you have it. They don't hold a gun to your head in college. You either want to do it...or you don't.
I want both of them to have as many options as they possibly can. He already has the social deficits of autism as a strike to make things more difficult for him. The truth is, he is an African-American male...a minority, which can be another strike to make things more challenging on the road to success. No matter how much this scares me as his mother, I have to remain positive with him.
I told him yesterday, "There is more than one road to success. Everyone has their own path. Stop comparing yourself to your friends and your peers. They don't have the same gifts that you do. You can do anything you really want to do...if you are willing to work hard. Aspergers does not limit you. It just makes your path a little different."
I told him to investigate the video technical certification programs that his mentor sent him information about. He may just have to get a job, or an apprenticeship to learn his craft and slowly move up and make more money. His video tech mentor has already told him that he has a gift...a talent for editing which could get him a job as an assistant editor after high school.
Red is a very visual person. I think what he needs is a visual road map leading towards his future. We may have to work with his Person Centered Planner to create one. The map may change with time and maturity. In the end...if he keeps moving forward and working hard...it will lead him out of my house and to success.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago