We will have a 2 bedroom suite with full kitchen, dining and 2 bathrooms. My in-laws have their own room. There is an indoor swimming pool, a golf-course and plenty of things to do in the San Antonio area that would keep the average family happy.
We are not the average family.
Nothing is simple for us.
The boys have been fighting like mad dogs lately. Hormones, testosterone, along with their cousins depression, anxiety and autism have all gotten together to wreak havoc in our lives. They fight over the simplest, in many ways typical sibling issues. You know...we've heard it all before:
He's looking at me.
He's touching me!
He's biting his nails!
Stop to telling me what to do!
You're not my father!
Mind your own business!
You're an idiot!
You guys treat him better!
You baby him!
He needs to man up! (This one from Red...What the hell does he know about manning up?)
The truth is they both stay in each other's business. They both try to tell the other what to do and we can't seem to shut either one of them up. Their Aspergery quirks and tendencies feed off of each other.
Blue is sensitive to sound.
Red makes annoying sounds (nail biting, singing).
Blue can not tune out ANYTHING. He has to respond to EVERYTHING.
Red does things to make Blue respond. He gets a charge out of seeing him lose it!
Of course we tell Blue you would win if you just walk away and not respond. Most of the time he just can't do it!
Blue is very rule following, rule enforcing.
He tries to parent and enforce said rules with his older brother.
Red is very anti-rule following.
He refuses and gets angry because his little brother is telling him what to do or what NOT to do.
They get mad when the other one has a meltdown and yells at me. Yet they both do it!
They have very little sympathy or empathy for one another.
Red takes out his anger and depression on Blue.
Blue feels like a target.
Red does and says really mean things and a few minutes later, he's forgotten about it.
Blue is still angry about what Red has said or done.
(You can't really blame him.)
Then Red is mad that Blue is mad.
It's a vicious circle!
Get the picture??
I am not looking forward to traveling with these two. Travel and change is hard enough because of Blue's anxiety. Red...is in many ways just a teenager, who doesn't really want to be around his family especially 24/7 like we will have to be on this trip. This is intensified by Aspergers. Lately, his social anxiety is kicked up a notch. When we go into a restaurant he gets this mean scowl on his face.
"I hate being around all of these HAPPY people!"
"Everyone is looking at me." They're not looking at him, but if they were, could it possibly be the scowl on his face or that he's putting his head down on the table in a restaurant? I mean this kid has a million dollar smile...when he uses it, but this face that he puts on is really unattractive, to say the least. He looks like Anakin from Star Wars.
It's really a shame that what could be a fun, family getaway feels more like an exercise in torture. My husband is actually mad at me for not looking forward to it. I think he sees it as a personal affront to his Dad who is coming all this way to see us. It is so not about that! I would love to see them and hang out with them...if it were really going to be fun! The truth of the matter is...there will be a degree of anguish for us. For Red because he really feels uncomfortable. For Blue, because he hates being the target of his brother's anger.
We can hope that having the grandparents there will mitigate their behaviors. But that only means as soon as we get behind closed doors...Red will probably blow a gasket!
Am I being negative here...expecting the worst? Or is this just the reality?
Anyone have any sibling fighting advice?
Wish I could say I have all the answers here...but I don't. I would really love some feedback on this one...HELP!!!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago