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Monday, February 18, 2013

Dear Worry...

Editorial Note: 

This was originally published in January of 2012. Since then I think my prayers may have been answered.  I may have had maybe 1 day off from worry.  
The other 364 days of the year, my mind still spins with these questions.  
Only each day, I probably add a new one.  
Sometimes just before I drift off to sleep panic completely takes over.
The weight of 'what ifs' becomes unbearably heavy. 
Their sadness...their worries...their lack of a worry free childhood is just too much. 
I have so much guilt...you would think that I am a Jewish mother. 
They say you can't have faith in God and still worry. 
Tell that to my brain that won't shut off.  

Dear Worry,
Please go away.
You're not welcome here.
I would like just one day without you.

Just one day...of not walking on egg shells
Worrying that I will set some one off and there will be a meltdown.
Just one day...with no phone calls or e-mails from school
Just one day...with no fires to put out
No fights to break up.
No screaming in this house.

Just one day...of not thinking about medication and how it's effecting my child
Is it making things better?
Is it making things worse?
Is it making him tired?
Is it causing him to gain weight?
Is it causing regression?

Just one day...not searching for answers.
I'm addicted to knowledge.
I want to know...to understand.
I want to make things better.

Just one day...of not wondering
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I making matters worse?
Am I doing too much?
Am I doing too little?
Am I spoiling him?
Of course I'm spoiling him.
I just want to ease his pain.

Just one day...of not feeling like my parenting is being judged by someone.
I know I shouldn't care.
I just wish the judgement , "I could do it better" and "All you have to do is..."did not exist.
They have no idea what it's really like to walk in my shoes.

Just one day...of not worrying about his anxiety.
Just one day...of not wondering
Will he ever live on his own?
Will he ever be happy?
Are we running out of time?
Will he ever find true love? True friends?
Will he treat his future wife the way she deserves to be treated?
Will I have grandchildren?

Just one day...of not wondering...
Will I ever find myself again?
Will my marriage survive this stress?
Will we ever be on the same page in what to do for these children?

Just one day...of not worrying that he will do something to get himself into trouble.
Will I ever get "that" phone call?
Will his anger get the best of him?
How real is his threat of self-harm?
You can never be too cautious when it comes to his life.

Just one day...of not trying to figure out
What can I do to make him happy today?
How can I make him smile?
All the while feeling deep inside...
nothing I do will elicit the kind of happiness I want for him.

Just one day...of not feeling the pain that he feels...the worry that he feels.
Where is my magic-pain-depression repellant cloak?
I need it today.

Worry, Worry Go away
Come again another day.

Today...I give my worries to a higher power
He's going to take the wheel
He's a much better driver than I
Where I search the map...
He already knows the route
He knows exactly where our journey ends
I have to try to remember when worry comes calling...
Refer him to my driver