I am so excited about this exchange and the possibility of him developing a relationship with two atypical peers at his school. As usual, I am more excited than he is. One of the boys, Ricky (let's call him) actually texts Red the following day. I believe the text went something like, "Hey Dude. What's up?" He is reaching out. The boys had talked about possibly getting together to workout in the future.
I was out most of the day, doctors appointment, lunch with a girlfriend, hiding at Barnes and Noble. When I return, no meds have been taken. No healthy food has been eaten, of course. Nothing productive has been done.
"Did you hear from the boys you met?" I ask.
"Yeah...I think so."
"You think so? Either you did or you didn't."
"Yeah...Ricky texted me."
"Did you return the text."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I guess I wasn't sure it was him."
"Well, how will he know that he reached you if you don't return the text."
"I will," he says with no enthusiasm.
This is the boy who all year long whined about not having any friends at school.
A couple of hours later. He is lying in bed telling me how unfair it is that his computer shuts down at 10 p.m. due to parental controls.
"Did you return that text yet?" I ask.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I guess I was too busy worrying about Six Flags." He's been bugging the shit out of us about going to San Antonio to Six Flags for weeks.
"So you're busy worrying about something that's not happening now instead of focusing on developing a friendship that is right in front of you...today. Did you ever think, maybe these two guys may actually want to go to Six Flags?"
"Fine...I'll text him."
"I don't get it. Do you really want friends or do you just want to complain about not having friends?"
He has no answer for this one.
I lay in bed asking myself, why do I worry, get so excited, and work so hard to make things happen for him? I buy into every whimper and complaint, when he himself refuses to do much about it. This lakadaisical attitude is pervasive in his life. He takes his jolly well sweet time to do everything I ask him to do, even when it comes to making friends. It honestly feels like I care about his happiness and well being more than he does.
I know that he isn't the only one. Developing appropriate social skills is not going to happen overnight. I made this observation at an Aspergers Meetup pool party the other day. One young lady spent the majority of the time talking to the parents in the group instead of the other teens. She talked to the parents about their kids, but didn't interact much with the kids at all. She talked to the parents about their kids, about getting together with their kids, but didn't spend much time talking to the kids themselves.
"How can you make friends with the kids if you aren't over there talking to them?" I ask her. We encourage her to go over and join the group of teens at the table where they are actually sitting and talking. All of us parents are a little taken aback that they are actually conversing. Red happens to be one of those kids who is actually sitting there engaging in conversation with the other teens. Of course, I am excited to see him do this. Now will he make the effort to get together with any of these teens in the future? Not if I don't plan it.
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Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago