Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dear Diary

I'm feeling a little out of it today.  It's been really hard getting up to get Blue to camp by 8 a.m. these past two mornings.  We haven't had to be anywhere this entire summer before 9.  I'm totally off whack on my sleep schedule.  Up past midnight every freaking night, on the computer, watching t.v., staring at the ceiling.  Even If I'm tired, I can't seem to fall asleep.  Some nights I feel like I'm laying in a conscious state all night long.  Just a month ago I was at my doctors office, telling her how everything is all honky-dorie! Now I'm feeling like crap...stressed, can't sleep, anxious, like my body is conspiring against me somehow.

I've been working out more in the past week which is good.  I feel really good afterwards -a high kind of euphoria.  I take Red with me to work out, because I'm so worried about his recent weight gain.  I'd do anything for that kid.  In fact, I do everything for that kid.  What does he do for me?  Drive me nuts.  Everything is a struggle with him.  At first he fought me on working out.  Once we get to the gym, he seems to actually be getting into it.  I believe he thinks he is Jaden Smith, from The Karate Kid or this other guy on Extreme Makeover -Weight Edition.  So the first few times we go he is very cooperative and even says to me, "Make sure I do this every day for the rest of the summer!" I get all excited and so proud.

Last night's workout does not go so well.  Even though he asked to go, as soon as we pull up, he says, "I changed my mind.  I don't want to go in."  Of course, I don't take the bate.  We go in anyway.  We get on the treadmill and put on our Ipods.  I am soaring...in another world listening to the Black Eyed Peas, I got a Feelin, and I'mma Be.  It feels great!  He isn't moving to fast...no surprise there.  15 minutes in he says, "I'm done.  I'm ready to go home."  I'm just getting into my groove, and have no intention of stopping.  He gets more and more agitated.  I tell him to go do something else, like work on the weights. "I don't want to be here!" he says.  I refuse to stop my work out.  I tell him he can go sit out in the lobby. 

While moseying around the gym, he runs into a couple of his old teachers, who happen to be friends of mine.  They encourage him to hang in there, "Let Mom workout a little longer." He agrees.  He comes back in the gym and goes towards the weights.  He happens to run into a couple of boys from school who actually speak to him.  They start a conversation about working out, loosing weight, etc.  The boys are on the wrestling team.  They encourage him to join the team.  He certainly has the build for it.  Not only that, they offer to work out with him in the future.  He gives them his cell number, etc.  I actually go over and meet the boys.  They seem really nice...genuine.  I hope they will follow up with Red.  He certainly won't follow up with them.  

It would be so great if he actually does hook up with some neurotypical boys who go to his school.  This seems to me to be like another God-thing.  I tell him so when we get in the car.
"You know...meeting those boys was God working in your life.  I hope you can appreciate it and focus on all the positives.  You are blessed."  He acknowledges me with little enthusiasm.  I can only hope.

Anyway...back to me.  Isn't that ironic?  Back to me.  I seldom get back to me.   That's a big part of the reason I'm so tired.  I'm so busy being back to everybody else!  I go see my doctor today for my full physical, which is of course way overdue.  She tells me I should leave caffeine alone for a month and see if I can sleep better.  Really Doc?  Totally leave it alone...I don't think so.  Cut back to 1 cup of coffee in the morning and no cokes during the rest of the day...that I can do.   

Oh and Diary...my mother is starting to get on my nerves.  How do I tell her nicely to butt out of every conversation I have with Red, especially after she's had a half a bottle of wine?  Her chiming in is irritating to me and overstimulating for him.  Not only that, the more of an audience he has, the more he performs.  I've already gently mentioned it a couple of times.  When the wine is on board...my gentle reminder seems to fly right out the window.  

That's all the me time for today...have to get back to everyone else now.  

And Diary --thanks for listening. 

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