There are so many blessings to count...but for some reason my mind keeps gravitating towards the negative these days. It's kind of like constantly feeling I have PMS ...only I don't. So what is it? Depression ...longing for something more -an itch I can't seem to scratch.
I teach my children to be grateful. One of them actually listens. In fact, Blue regularly joins me in trying to teach his older brother to count his blessings and stop whining about everything. Blue actually thanks God --says his prayers, even if it's just before he eats a donut in the car on the way to camp.
I consider myself to be spiritual, a follower of Christ. I definitely do for others. I love my fellow man. I pray and give thanks daily. At the same time I constantly find myself thinking about the things I wish I could do.
I wish I could buy new chairs for my living room. I bought chairs 3 years ago that were an awful grade of leather. They are already falling apart. I have a leather couch that I've had for 12 years and there isn't a flaw in it. These chairs were simply poorly made. Don't ever buy chairs from Rooms To Go...they screwed us -royally! As soon as the 1 year warrantee was over...they started tearing apart.
I wish I could have new counter-tops and cabinets in my kitchen; repair all the damaged walls and doors in my house; paint my bathroom. I could paint my bathroom. That's easy enough. Paint isn't expensive. The problem there, is finding the uninterrupted, unscheduled time to do it.
I am so sick of my car! I wish I could get another one, nothing new just different than what I've got. Every time I see another one like mine driving down the street I cringe. It makes me feel so cookie cutter. It's the first car in a long time that I've driven this long. It's a Honda Pilot, 2004. Apparently, Hondas are very good cars. There isn't a thing wrong with it -except for the fact that I'm sick of looking at it. It's paid for...it runs. So what's to complain about really. Wah...wah!
Here I am complaining. Sorry...God I am really grateful that it runs and that we aren't in debt up to our ears paying for a brand new one. Really...
I wish I could go on vacation to somewhere cool and tranquil --where I could just read, relax and listen to the sound of the ocean or see something completely different --another culture another world away from mine.
I am longing for something more --more than the everyday details of raising two children, especially two high maintenance, special needs children. Feelings like this are what can get people into trouble. Some women find escape from the details of their lives by actually taking off...leaving their worries behind for another life. Some escape by drowning their sorrows in alcohol or drugs. Some have affairs with other men. Some just go completely nuts and end up in a sanitarium or rehab.
I read somewhere where a mother went into rehab for 30 days. She blogged about it. All the moms who commented asked, "What do I have to do to get in?" 30 days off from my motherly duties? Are you kidding me? Sign me up!
I don't have the balls for any of that. I love my children far too much to leave them...at least not for long. I have a wonderful husband who is so good to me ...so that would be a no on the affair. I'm too much of a wuss to do drugs or any serious alcohol. You all know by now, I will have the occasional ... as in every day, margarita or glass of wine to take the edge off.
Instead of going to any extremes --I will have to find simple pleasures to indulge in whenever possible and count my blessings so that God will continue to give them to me.
Today I am grateful for:
|Blue eating his pizza Jersey Style!|
-this moment in time where I sit in this coffee house to write.
-that Blue sits quietly across from me on his lap top...well pretty quietly.
-Corrine Bailey Rae is singing in the background soothing my weary soul.
-for the slice of pizza and ice-cold Coke Blue and I had together for lunch.
-for air conditioning in my house with the worn furniture and in my old, boring, paid for, 7 year-old car.
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