I knew the day would come where Red would absolutely refuse to go to school. It's been taking an average of 45 minutes to get him out of bed each morning since we returned from winter break, but I allow time for that. I still find the process excruciating. I try everything -the nice mommy routine, gently prodding, and talking softly. Sometimes I get a warm towel to rub his face. There are days when I want to get a super-soaker and give him a nice in-bed shower. I haven't gone there -yet, but I have let a bottle of water dribble on his head. That goes over really well.
Yesterday he gets out of bed -gets dressed, eats breakfast but then comes upstairs to his room and lays back down. When I return home from taking Blue to school, I sit in the car for a few minutes reading a blog on my phone, avoiding the fight. Dad is awake today and is the one responsible for the post wake-up prodding along. As I am sitting in the car my phone rings.
"Um Honey, Red is going to have to pack his stuff and move out. He refuses to go to school and I'm not putting up with this anymore."
"I'll be right in." I get out of my warm car and to out into the 32 degree cold air, and back into the house where the dance begins.
"Why do I have to go to school? I hate it! I don't have any friends. I'm so tired! Why can't I just stay home today? Why can't I just be home-schooled? I'm not going!"
I can not home-school him. It would be impossible. He does not listen to me. He is not self-motivated enough to complete assignments on his own. We would both be completely miserable. Not to mention that he desperately needs the social component of being in school. Life doesn't get any easier after high-school if you want to have a good future. He says he wants to work in the film industry. Those jobs don't come to your house, knock on the door and say, "Hello...are you ready to work now?" You have to get your education first.
He often compares himself to his one and only friend these days who is home-schooled. I explain again that everyone's circumstances are different. If he wants a future in multi-media or film-making he needs to be in an environment that will nurture that. Besides, his friend actually listens to his mother. Right now he is going through the painful, doldrum of pre-requisite, freshman classes. His electives being Art 1 and Social Skills. This obviously does not motivate him enough to want to get to school on-time everyday.
Back to the dance -I ask him to go brush his teeth and put on his shoes so that we can go. He refuses. We tell him that privileges are being lost with each refusal. Computer time -gone. Phone -bye-bye. Still he refuses.
Out of desperation I call his Special Ed tracking teacher -can't reach her. I try the School Psychologist -no answer. I call the Special Ed Counselor -no luck. I finally call the Campus Resource Officer -he is not in his office, but he does he call me back right-away. He talks to Red on the phone. They have a nice little chat and within moments -he is brushing his teeth and putting his shoes on. The officer asks that we stop by his office once we arrive on campus for a moment.
We do. "You know son -your mom is legally responsible for you until you're 18. That means she's the boss. Legally -you need to come to school everyday without giving her a hard time."
"O.K. I understand. I will. " he says like a docile little pup. He even put on a half smile.
The officer congratulates him for making it to school and sends him on to class. I'm thinking -Wow, how very nice of him. He is so pleasant. Part of me wanted him to scare the hell out of him -but I suppose he was taking the right approach.
I go to see the Counselor after Red heads to class. The philosophy at the school seems to be to remain positive, to give him incentive to want to get there and get there on time. Mr. K, the counselor-talks about possibly switching his classes around so that he goes to his BASE (Social Skills) class 1st period where he will have some sort of engaging activity that he will want to get there on time for.
I walk away feeling like wow -here I am wanting to put the wrath on this kid, wanting to take away every privilege imaginable, and they want to give him incentive to come to school. "We want to give him something to work for, not work against," he said. Wow! On one hand I was impressed at their positive attitude on the other hand I'm thinking -I've tried the positive road with this boy -nothing works.
The bottom line is that school is a miserable place for him and he hates going. I hope that their incentive works. Meanwhile, there will be no cell phone for a while. If he wants it back -the incentive will be to get up on time in the morning.
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Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago