I pick up my laptop to check out Facebook, email and my blog comments. Many days this is my only connection to the outside world. The world beyond children that I once was very intimate with. You know, friends...adults, people to laugh with, laugh at, share, commiserate, communicate on an adult level. Just as I pick it up "14" comes in and announces that I need to help him make the business cards for his video editing business. I say, "I'll help you, but not right this minute. Did you not just see me pick up my laptop to do something? " Well, of course all that matters is what he wants from me in the given moment. E-mail, talking to your Facebook friends, what is that? Who cares? Don't you know that I'm the most important thing in your life?
He's standing over me and refuses to leave the room. He starts getting louder and louder because I continue to focus on what I am doing. I leave the room. I go to my bedroom where my husband is sleeping. I close and lock the door. He is on my heels. He knocks. I say, "You need to step away from the door. Your dad is sleeping." He doesn't move until my husband speaks up. He goes into his room and starts a chat with me on Facebook. I tell him that I don't appreciate the way he is treating me. He is being disrespectful and I will not help him under those circumstances. We go back and forth for a while, I hope that maybe seeing in print what he is actually doing will help him get it. He doesn't. He turns it back around on me and gets so frustrated that soon he is back at the door. This time refusing to leave and starting to scream, "It's NOT FAIR!" He screams like a heavy metal rocker.
He clearly wants us to feed into the hysteria. I decide to completely remove myself from the situation so that he can regain his composure. He tries to follow me to the car. "NO...MOM Don't LEAVE!" I drive away into the night wandering around aimlessly for a bit. I want to go have a drink. I don't really want to call a girlfriend. I don't really want to walk into a restaurant alone either. I option for the latter. I go to my favorite place, where all the waitresses know my name, favorite drink and appetizer of choice. They ask, "Is your husband joining you?" He is not. I just needed to get out for a bit.
After what I've been through the past two weeks. I just can't take anymore. I think about the fact that in a few days, I will also have an additional child in the house, their cousin. I will be in full-time mother, auntie, entertainment mode. I NEED A BREAK! "14's" antics have been relentless. Yes...I know it's the autism, but I appear to be it's target and before I get either A) become violent or B) have my own meltdown...I need to take a breather. (By the way...the violent part wouldn't really work for me. He's much bigger and stronger than I am.)
I pack my bag and announce that I am leaving the following morning after I drop "14" at camp. I make this announcement to everyone but him. I tell him, just as he gets out of the car at camp. "NO! Don't leave! Can I come with you?" Hell NO! I think, but do not say.
I am so exhausted from not sleeping the night before and from pure anxiety, I don't know how I will make the drive to Houston. I actually pull into the Central Market parking lot, park the car underneath a tree and fall asleep for an hour. I know...this is nuts, but I'm desperate. I wake up rejuvenated, go buy myself and iced coffee, a kolache, turn on my Ipod and hit the road! I jam The Police, and hip hop music all the way there to keep myself awake.
My best friend welcomes me into her home and suggests that I have a day at the spa and just rest. I sleep like a baby in her daughters comfy bed. In fact, I sleep until 11 a.m. the first day, and after a night of partying, I sleep until 12:45 p.m. the second day. I keep my phone on silent and refuse to answer the barrage of phone calls from "14". "11" calls me with words of comfort, "Mom, I hope you're getting rest and enjoying yourself." (By the way, he went out with Dad and bought my favorite flowers and had them waiting for me when I came home.)
"14" actually had the nerve to put disparaging remarks on my Facebook Page. He didn't appreciate me telling my friends that I was enjoying the peace and quiet. He posts..."MOM! Come back!!!! Stop Hiding like a little girl!" Totally inappropriate and disrespectful...and you wonder why I'm gone? I am embarrassed that my friends can see this, but at least now they know I'm not exaggerating! They can easily see exactly why I ran away.
I send a note to his friend's mom asking her to please pick him up for church, pray with him, pray for him! She did. That day, he wrote me a note and apologized. He also removed his negative comments from Facebook. He said he prayed for God to help him with his behavior and that he would do his best when I came home. At this point, I tend to believe that not all the medication or therapy in the world can help him. It's going to take a miracle...we definitely need God for that.