It’s me against you.
I know I’m not alone in thinking that I can negotiate with you.
There has to be a way to outsmart you --beat you at your own game.
I can do hard things.
I can figure this out.
I’m a badass! I’m a mom. I helped my kids survive autism in their teen years while taking care of my mom as she tried to lose her mind.
I can do anything!
Those things did exhaust the hell out of me though. Years on top of years being in fight or flight. Now my body and my mind are not quite sure what to do.
The days go by. I feel numb. I’m sure and then unsure. I have plenty of time to think about it all. We’re in this pandemic! Life is slower than slow although, I’m not sure what happens to all of the days.
Negotiations:
Maybe if I just buy this thing...
A new bike. An adult tricycle. Bikes are for exercise. Exercise is good for me.
That will do the trick.
I will feel better after that.
If I just do this thing…
When I set up my outdoor oasis.
Sitting outside in the fresh air always makes me feel better.
I’ll be more content then.
(Only now, it’s hotter than hell. And the mosquitos love me more than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. Fuckers.)
If I could just move back to California…
The weather is so much better.
There’s a beach. There’s an ocean, a breeze.
How could I ever have left the beach?
Why didn’t I realize that I need a beach in my life?
How could I be depressed when there’s a beach?
In California, I would have my friends.
My oldest friends. My dearest friends. The friends I’ve had my whole life. Friends I can count on. Friends who I don’t have to figure out. They’re just there. Always. Friends who won’t abandon me and disappear.
If I just ...pray, meditate, do more yoga, keep busy enough, read more, distract myself, follow all of the therapy, and self-care accounts on Instagram.
Then. Maybe then, anxiety will not seep into my bones and refuse to leave.
You know...I don’t have time for this.
I have things to accomplish.
Just get over it already.
Therapy is great.
I finally feel validated, seen, and heard.
Finding my therapist was my saving grace. The best thing I’ve done for myself in the past 20 years!
Why do I have to be one of those people who needs therapy?
I can live without therapy.
I’m going to skip it next week.
It’s ridiculous that I spend this much money and time on therapy.
Do other people spend this much time trying to feel good?
Happy people really get on my nerves. (Insert eye-roll here)
Why can’t I just think positive thoughts?
You attract what you focus on, right?
Change your thoughts. Change your life, right?
Manifest happiness damn it! It’s easy!
Don’t worry.
It will come.
Why hasn’t it come?
And then the rationalizations…
Is this even real or are you just feeling sorry for yourself?
I’m not taking any more medication.
Fix your life, not your medication.
Wait a minute...you fixed your life. You made some space for yourself. You have more peace than you have had in years. You should be happy now.
You’re not happy now?
What is wrong with you?
The truth...
Life is difficult for many of us walking on this planet.
Circumstances in my life are better.
I have created more peace.
However, peace doesn’t look the way I expected it to because there are new challenges.
I thought racism was better. We had a black President. I have tons of white friends. We all want the same things.
Then I find out, the entire history of our country has been set up to on the concept of white supremacy
And right now, they want their country back.
They hate us. They are literally killing us.
It’s sanctioned and promoted by our current administration. Every time I hear his lying, cheating, hateful voice, I want to crawl out of my skin.
I am not alone in these anxious thoughts and feelings.
We’re in a global pandemic.
Many of us are feeling trapped.
Our normal has completely changed.
We feel we’re being punished because our neighbors won’t behave and do their homework.
Everything is tenuous.
Each day we wake up to more devastating news and death.
It’s okay, not to be okay right now.
It’s okay to feel all of the feelings.
It’s okay to be a complex human, thinking and feeling one thing one moment, and another in the next.
There is no magic thing ...magic answer.
There is no bag of tricks to outsmart these feelings or rush them away.
Sometimes, we just have to live in discomfort.
Discomfort is the spark --the key motivation for major change.
So I don’t have to buy the thing --the adult tricycle, that really would be so cool.
Or do the thing --that would make everything better.
I just have to keep moving.
Keep swimming.
Never give up.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago