It’s me against you.
I know I’m not alone in thinking that I can negotiate with you.
There has to be a way to outsmart you --beat you at your own game.
I can do hard things.
I can figure this out.
I’m a badass! I’m a mom. I helped my kids survive autism in their teen years while taking care of my mom as she tried to lose her mind.
I can do anything!
Those things did exhaust the hell out of me though. Years on top of years being in fight or flight. Now my body and my mind are not quite sure what to do.
The days go by. I feel numb. I’m sure and then unsure. I have plenty of time to think about it all. We’re in this pandemic! Life is slower than slow although, I’m not sure what happens to all of the days.
Negotiations:
Maybe if I just buy this thing...
A new bike. An adult tricycle. Bikes are for exercise. Exercise is good for me.
That will do the trick.
I will feel better after that.
If I just do this thing…
When I set up my outdoor oasis.
Sitting outside in the fresh air always makes me feel better.
I’ll be more content then.
(Only now, it’s hotter than hell. And the mosquitos love me more than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. Fuckers.)
If I could just move back to California…
The weather is so much better.
There’s a beach. There’s an ocean, a breeze.
How could I ever have left the beach?
Why didn’t I realize that I need a beach in my life?
How could I be depressed when there’s a beach?
In California, I would have my friends.
My oldest friends. My dearest friends. The friends I’ve had my whole life. Friends I can count on. Friends who I don’t have to figure out. They’re just there. Always. Friends who won’t abandon me and disappear.
If I just ...pray, meditate, do more yoga, keep busy enough, read more, distract myself, follow all of the therapy, and self-care accounts on Instagram.
Then. Maybe then, anxiety will not seep into my bones and refuse to leave.
You know...I don’t have time for this.
I have things to accomplish.
Just get over it already.
Therapy is great.
I finally feel validated, seen, and heard.
Finding my therapist was my saving grace. The best thing I’ve done for myself in the past 20 years!
Why do I have to be one of those people who needs therapy?
I can live without therapy.
I’m going to skip it next week.
It’s ridiculous that I spend this much money and time on therapy.
Do other people spend this much time trying to feel good?
Happy people really get on my nerves. (Insert eye-roll here)
Why can’t I just think positive thoughts?
You attract what you focus on, right?
Change your thoughts. Change your life, right?
Manifest happiness damn it! It’s easy!
Don’t worry.
It will come.
Why hasn’t it come?
And then the rationalizations…
Is this even real or are you just feeling sorry for yourself?
I’m not taking any more medication.
Fix your life, not your medication.
Wait a minute...you fixed your life. You made some space for yourself. You have more peace than you have had in years. You should be happy now.
You’re not happy now?
What is wrong with you?
The truth...
Life is difficult for many of us walking on this planet.
Circumstances in my life are better.
I have created more peace.
However, peace doesn’t look the way I expected it to because there are new challenges.
I thought racism was better. We had a black President. I have tons of white friends. We all want the same things.
Then I find out, the entire history of our country has been set up to on the concept of white supremacy
And right now, they want their country back.
They hate us. They are literally killing us.
It’s sanctioned and promoted by our current administration. Every time I hear his lying, cheating, hateful voice, I want to crawl out of my skin.
I am not alone in these anxious thoughts and feelings.
We’re in a global pandemic.
Many of us are feeling trapped.
Our normal has completely changed.
We feel we’re being punished because our neighbors won’t behave and do their homework.
Everything is tenuous.
Each day we wake up to more devastating news and death.
It’s okay, not to be okay right now.
It’s okay to feel all of the feelings.
It’s okay to be a complex human, thinking and feeling one thing one moment, and another in the next.
There is no magic thing ...magic answer.
There is no bag of tricks to outsmart these feelings or rush them away.
Sometimes, we just have to live in discomfort.
Discomfort is the spark --the key motivation for major change.
So I don’t have to buy the thing --the adult tricycle, that really would be so cool.
Or do the thing --that would make everything better.
I just have to keep moving.
Keep swimming.
Never give up.
