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Monday, May 25, 2015

The Questions

I have been plagued all day long with eight questions. Eight questions asked over and over again, in a loop. All.Day.Long.

It's Monday, Memorial Day. Here in central Texas it has been storming all night and all day. There have been flash flood warnings. There have been bogus tornado warnings in our direct area at least 3 times today.

Around noon Red asks me if his therapy appointment is on for today. I told him to call his therapist. His therapist calls back and says, "Yes. I'm working today."
Well, we have flash flood warnings and I'm not about to get into my car with Red to drive forty minutes to an appointment. I told him to let his therapist know we would not be coming due to the flooding in our area.  I  suggested that he ask him if they could just talk on the phone. That wasn't possible.

So then it began, the questions. The same questions that he has been asking for months. The same questions that I have answered backwards, forwards and upside down. The same questions that he has asked countless other resources and has received again, basically the same answers.

He followed me around all day long asking these questions.
I answered them once.
I hummed, "Kumbaya."
I wrote my own version of it:

Come on by Lord! 
Come on by. 
I'm about to 
start to cry.
Come on by Lord. 
Come on by. 
Oh Lord! 
Come on by.
Ain't got no secrets Lord.
Ain't got no lies
I'm about to 
start to cry. 
Give me peace Lord. 
Help me out.
I need you Lord 
Without a doubt! 
Come on by Lord! 
Come on by!
Oh Lord!
Come on by.

I sang.
I colored in my coloring book.
I ignored.
He continued for hours.

Finally, I made him write the questions down. I answered each of them in writing.

1) How can I buy equipment if I have to pay gas and car insurance if I had a car?
You can only buy equipment when you make extra money. Your job and disability can help pay for your life, including a car or transportation. 

2) Can I still save up to buy equipment if I had an apartment and a car?
If you have an apartment, you can only buy equipment if make extra money from video editing or working more hours. You can only buy things when you have extra money after all of your life expenses are paid. 

3) Do I have to pay insurance if I had a car when I’m living with you guys?
We will only help you with car insurance if you don’t have enough money to pay it yourself from your job. We will only help you when you have no other resources for money. We will not pay your bills so that you can keep buying equipment. 

4) What number can I call when I’m having problems at home?
I don’t have a number for you to call. You can ask your case manager if she has a number for you to call from home.

5) Do you like to push my buttons?
I use jokes and laughter when you are trying to push my buttons. I joke around when my nerves are shot to hell, instead of yelling at you. 

6) Do you hate me?
I do not hate you. I HATE YOUR BEHAVIOR!

7) Why do I have to have a hard life and not get along with my family?
You cannot continue to stress me out all of the time and live here. I am no longer obligated to have you in my house if my health and sanity are in danger.  

8) Do you want my life to be horrible and to ruin my life?
I want your life to be good. I want you to be independent. I want to live in peace. Your life being good does not depend on THINGS that you BUY such as equipment. THINGS do not make you happy. You are never happy even when you buy things for more than a few minutes. What makes you happy comes from your relationship with God and from helping others. You also seem happy when you are with friends and your girlfriend or anyone other than this family! You are NEVER happy when you are in this house unless your friends or girlfriend is here. I can not make you happy.  

The END

Ten minutes later, he was back at my bedroom door.
I need to talk to you.
I need to see you.
He knocked, louder and louder.

I get it.
Anxiety.
O.K.
I can not help him anymore.
It feels like he is trying to drive me crazy and he's doing a bang up job.
It's 9 p.m.
I have heartburn.