It got so ugly last night. Blue, the boy who is basically agnostic, called his best friend's mom so they could pray together, for me. He also called his father who is out of town on business to tell him, "Mom is losing it!"
He told me this morning, that it scares him when I get angry. It also makes him really sad. He has this fear that I'm going to die of a heart attack or something. I can only hope that he's wrong.
I am usually pretty darn good at remaining calm. I will laugh and make a joke instead of yelling or screaming. Sometimes, when Red is coming at me with judgment, lunacy or just looking for a fight, I'll say something ridiculous like, "Yo mama!" It makes me laugh. He just looks at me like, "What do you mean? You're my mom." Or maybe I'll say, "Bye Felicia," just to brush him off and let him know, I'm not buying what you're selling. Of course, he has no idea what in the hell I'm talking about, but I amuse myself instead of getting angry.
Last night, there just wasn't enough vodka to calm my nerves. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of vodka in this house. Unfortunately, my bladder has a 2 drink maximum. If I drink more than two drinks, I will be up and down all night peeing, and I need my sleep. I think that's God's secret way of not allowing me to turn into a complete, falling down drunk.
Before I closed my door I told Red if he touched the door (he usually starts beating on it when I close it) or if he touched Blue's door, I would call the authorities. He couldn't believe it. He stands there looking at me, and says "Why are you so mad? Why are you being this way?"
Really? Why are you getting so angry, just because I'm doing everything within my power to make you angry?
The straw, that broke my last nerve wasn't even that big of a deal in his mind. He was just being his usual special flavor of rude because my mother ssh'd him so that she could hear the last few moments of "American Idol."
"Why are you yelling at me?!" he screamed! (She was literally whispering).
And then it went on and on from there with, "You people need to change!" Yada, yada, yada.
He had just come home from church. So...um...really? What did you get out of being there?
What really killed me was the night before, his Home Community Supports provider had taken him out and they had a long talk. He really likes this guy. His name is Kevin. He is African-American, retired Army and a practicing Christian. I say practicing because he's not one of those who claims to be Christian and then goes out and acts like a jerk. He is actually walking the walk in the work that he does with young men like Red, for minimal pay.
Red likes him. He comes home from every outing with the biggest smile on his face. He seems to also really respect him. Of course, Red usually shows respect for most adults who don't live in this house. I thought the conversation they had was like divine intervention or something. I felt like God sent this man directly into Red's life, like so many other blessings that he has been given. This boy's mentor network is vast and deep! It's extraordinary!
Kevin told him, that he was on thin ice in this house. He gave Red an earful about respecting his parents, following the example of Christ, actually walking in his faith, instead of just talking in it. He told him he's going to take him down to spend some time with the homeless, so he can get a taste of "humble pie." He wants Red to meet first hand, some of the young men who have lost it all because they didn't know how to treat the good situation they were in.
He told Red that we don't owe him anything!
We've done our job.
We have raised him through to adulthood.
Still being allowed to live in this house is a blessing.
He's sitting on easy street.
All he needs to do is "honor his mother and his father" who have given him nothing but the best and want nothing but the best for him.
He also said, "I know your mother has given you more than the best. I know she's been fighting for you from day one of your diagnosis." HELLO!
He then told me he's coming back to get him on Thursday. He is only scheduled to take him once a week. He wants to know if Red has made any changes by then. Get this ...he is VOLUNTEERING to spend an extra day with Red this week! He really wants to help this knuckle head boy!
I have all kinds of doubt in my faith, but this is nothing but God!
Last night, I guess I just couldn't believe after all of that, and Red seemed to be really listening, that he would turn around and be so disrespectful to us. I thought that he had received the message that God was trying to send him. When he started yelling I just thought to myself, it doesn't matter how much help he gets, he is not going to change. Nothing helps. Nothing works. He just really doesn't give a shit. Either that, or he is not capable of change when it comes to his family.
Why am I starting behavior therapy? (We had an evaluation earlier that afternoon. BTW...the therapist knew in the first five minutes that even though he was saying he wants to move out, he is very comfortable here, and has no intentions on moving anytime soon. We're going to go ahead and get him ready for it anyway.)
Why am I getting him connected with any of these resources? Why do I take him to therapy? Nothing seems to matter. Do meds need to change? Why isn't he getting anything? Why does nothing sink in with him? Where is the missing link? Why is he not connecting the dots?
Red ended up calling Kevin on the phone, since I refused to talk to him anymore. Moments later, he came back to my door and humbly apologized. He asked to come in. No thanks. I couldn't do it.
I'm praying for guidance and answers. There is a reason for everything that happens. I'm supposed to be learning something through this process. I wish I had a crystal ball, or a whisper from God to tell me what I'm supposed to do.
He told me this morning, that it scares him when I get angry. It also makes him really sad. He has this fear that I'm going to die of a heart attack or something. I can only hope that he's wrong.
I am usually pretty darn good at remaining calm. I will laugh and make a joke instead of yelling or screaming. Sometimes, when Red is coming at me with judgment, lunacy or just looking for a fight, I'll say something ridiculous like, "Yo mama!" It makes me laugh. He just looks at me like, "What do you mean? You're my mom." Or maybe I'll say, "Bye Felicia," just to brush him off and let him know, I'm not buying what you're selling. Of course, he has no idea what in the hell I'm talking about, but I amuse myself instead of getting angry.
Before I closed my door I told Red if he touched the door (he usually starts beating on it when I close it) or if he touched Blue's door, I would call the authorities. He couldn't believe it. He stands there looking at me, and says "Why are you so mad? Why are you being this way?"
Really? Why are you getting so angry, just because I'm doing everything within my power to make you angry?
The straw, that broke my last nerve wasn't even that big of a deal in his mind. He was just being his usual special flavor of rude because my mother ssh'd him so that she could hear the last few moments of "American Idol."
"Why are you yelling at me?!" he screamed! (She was literally whispering).
And then it went on and on from there with, "You people need to change!" Yada, yada, yada.
He had just come home from church. So...um...really? What did you get out of being there?
What really killed me was the night before, his Home Community Supports provider had taken him out and they had a long talk. He really likes this guy. His name is Kevin. He is African-American, retired Army and a practicing Christian. I say practicing because he's not one of those who claims to be Christian and then goes out and acts like a jerk. He is actually walking the walk in the work that he does with young men like Red, for minimal pay.
Red likes him. He comes home from every outing with the biggest smile on his face. He seems to also really respect him. Of course, Red usually shows respect for most adults who don't live in this house. I thought the conversation they had was like divine intervention or something. I felt like God sent this man directly into Red's life, like so many other blessings that he has been given. This boy's mentor network is vast and deep! It's extraordinary!
Kevin told him, that he was on thin ice in this house. He gave Red an earful about respecting his parents, following the example of Christ, actually walking in his faith, instead of just talking in it. He told him he's going to take him down to spend some time with the homeless, so he can get a taste of "humble pie." He wants Red to meet first hand, some of the young men who have lost it all because they didn't know how to treat the good situation they were in.
He told Red that we don't owe him anything!
We've done our job.
We have raised him through to adulthood.
Still being allowed to live in this house is a blessing.
He's sitting on easy street.
All he needs to do is "honor his mother and his father" who have given him nothing but the best and want nothing but the best for him.
He also said, "I know your mother has given you more than the best. I know she's been fighting for you from day one of your diagnosis." HELLO!
He then told me he's coming back to get him on Thursday. He is only scheduled to take him once a week. He wants to know if Red has made any changes by then. Get this ...he is VOLUNTEERING to spend an extra day with Red this week! He really wants to help this knuckle head boy!
I have all kinds of doubt in my faith, but this is nothing but God!
Last night, I guess I just couldn't believe after all of that, and Red seemed to be really listening, that he would turn around and be so disrespectful to us. I thought that he had received the message that God was trying to send him. When he started yelling I just thought to myself, it doesn't matter how much help he gets, he is not going to change. Nothing helps. Nothing works. He just really doesn't give a shit. Either that, or he is not capable of change when it comes to his family.
Why am I starting behavior therapy? (We had an evaluation earlier that afternoon. BTW...the therapist knew in the first five minutes that even though he was saying he wants to move out, he is very comfortable here, and has no intentions on moving anytime soon. We're going to go ahead and get him ready for it anyway.)
Why am I getting him connected with any of these resources? Why do I take him to therapy? Nothing seems to matter. Do meds need to change? Why isn't he getting anything? Why does nothing sink in with him? Where is the missing link? Why is he not connecting the dots?
Red ended up calling Kevin on the phone, since I refused to talk to him anymore. Moments later, he came back to my door and humbly apologized. He asked to come in. No thanks. I couldn't do it.
I'm praying for guidance and answers. There is a reason for everything that happens. I'm supposed to be learning something through this process. I wish I had a crystal ball, or a whisper from God to tell me what I'm supposed to do.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago