Monday, March 16, 2015

Excuse MeWhile I Go Left

What is so f*#%ed up about this situation is that this is a family crisis, but I feel like the only person tasked with solving it, alongside taking care of everyone's never ending personal needs.

It's not just one issue it's several issues that each and every person in this household is a part of and are affected by. 

It's the toxicity that lives here. It's a bad chemical mix. 

Red is the catalyst and we all are promotors, triggers that help stir the chemicals together for subsequent explosion. 

It's me, the mom.
My lack of ability to make the hard choices.
It's my level of stress and lack of time to take care of myself. 
It's my fear of making wrong choice and how that will impact his life. 
It's my not being able to put the ball entirely in his court, because I don't think he really has what it takes to make the best plays for himself.  
It's me making excuses for him at every turn. 
He's not balanced on meds. 
He needs hospitalization.
He needs behavior therapy. 

Life doesn't slow down long enough for me to think things through completely. 

Life certainly doesn't stop long enough for my partner to be completely engaged in the game with me.

It's my husband, my partner, the dad.  
His big reactions, his anger, his fatigue, his short fuse, his stress, his disgust, his alpha maleness wanting to protect me at any cost from the catalyst.  
It's him wanting me to himself more and me having very little left to give. 
It's how little time we get to spend being us ...being adults, being a couple not just being parents and decision makers. 
It's how hard he has to work to keep us financially afloat because he is the soul breadwinner.  
It's how absorbed he is in work and travel which leaves very little left over for patience, understanding or complete, active involvement in solving this crisis. 

It's Blue with his big reactions to everything. 
He is drawn to the catalyst like a magnet.
It's the fact that they are boys, brothers, teenagers full of testosterone. 
Both of them, jockeying for position, authority and superiority over the other. 

It's my mom literally, constantly, sitting in the middle of everything, commenting on things that are none of her business. 
Our drama is her hobby. 
Today she asked, what happened to my good mood? 
I said, "I spent 3 hours with Red taking him to, from and sitting through a meeting with his DARS counselor." 
She said, "You shouldn't spend 3 hours with him doing anything. It doesn't do any good."  
Boy did that piss me off! 
What if she's right?! 
It's her answering questions when my children are asking me, literally echoing from another room. 
It's the door that she doesn't have to close or the apartment she doesn't have to go home to. 
It's her screaming, engaging, sometimes even taunting, or teasing the catalyst like another child. 
Did I tell you I caught her sticking her tongue out at him the other day? 
It's her adding to my "to do" list, while she is either not capable or doesn't want to do for herself any longer.
It's my guilt trip for feeling like I'm blessed to have her. I should take care of her while I can ...even if it's killing me. 

It's that a year ago we had our 20th wedding anniversary celebration.  
We had to put our trip to New York on hold because my mother was sick.  
We have yet to reschedule it. 

It's the fact that in less than three weeks, I will celebrate my 50th birthday. 
I wanted to finally go on that trip with my husband to New York to celebrate. 
As of today there has been no time to plan any kind of celebration.

It's not one thing. 
It's all of the things. 
I just want someone to come and take over. 
I want to disappear until all of these problems are solved. 
I know that's not realistic, but that's what I want for my birthday. 
I need strength. 
I need guidance.

God are you listening?
btw God ...sorry about that F word at the top. I know you know how frustrated I am feeling in this moment.