Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Confession #999

I confess that I no longer enjoy cooking.  It's become just another huge chore. It takes my appetite away for various reasons. There's the whole tasting-as-you-go thing, which is not really a major issue.  It's usually just exhaustion that turns me off.  By the time I finish cooking, I'm just worn out. I end up eating just enough to take the edge off my hunger and then I have a glass of wine. Wine for dinner! Yay! The lack of appreciation from the boys does not help my enthusiasm for cooking one single bit.

I cooked a big dinner last night. Half way through the process, I was sorry that I began. I marinated a lot of chicken in teriyaki marinade and spices the day before. The plan was to put it on the grill.  Mom was to make a big salad and I would make some quick macaroni and cheese.

As I'm prepping to go out back to the grill, I hear the boys talking upstairs.  It sounds like a decent conversation at first, until it gets louder and louder. I start to cringe as the debate turns into quick anger.  Then I hear, "Get off of me...!"

I yell up the stairs to basically disburse ...go to their perspective rooms. I get zero response. It's like my voice is mute. Yeah. Big surprise.

I have to march up there to get them apart with threats of course.

"Do you want to lose the Ipad for tonight!?" I yell at Blue.
"Do you want me to cook dinner? Because I can't do it if I'm up here pulling you two apart!"
"I'm sorry mom, but he..."
"He my ass! It takes two to fight!"

I turn to Red, "I guess you don't want me to help you with the video editing tonight!"  (We've been working on the family reunion video together.)

I made Blue go out for a bike ride and sent Red to his room.
I am sick.of.them.both!
Hubby of course is out with colleagues at some fun spot downtown. Yeah.

By the time my head hit the pillow, I thought to myself ...Why do I do this? Why do I cook for these heathens? Why do I do anything for them? I should just let them fight it out.  What am I supposed to do when two gigantic wild animals are attacking each other?

I really just don't want to be here. 

This isn't fun anymore. 

I wish I could just enjoy my family. 

(There is this family across the street from me.  Their daughter is grown of course, and out of the house, but she's there visiting like every day.  They are always having family dinners and going out together.  They seem to really enjoy each other. What is that about?  It's kind of weird and wickedly cool at the same time.) 

My weekend get-away-high is gone.  I'm back to feeling as low as a rock.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I need for somebody in this equation to be absent, because my heart is not fond right now.

My home is not a haven. It's the storm.

*My friends reading this ...

I will get through this. This depression is situational.  I need to change the situation and I know what I have to do.  It will take time, but it will get better. I know it will.