I confess that I no longer enjoy cooking. It's become just another huge chore. It takes my appetite away for various reasons. There's the whole tasting-as-you-go thing, which is not really a major issue. It's usually just exhaustion that turns me off. By the time I finish cooking, I'm just worn out. I end up eating just enough to take the edge off my hunger and then I have a glass of wine. Wine for dinner! Yay! The lack of appreciation from the boys does not help my enthusiasm for cooking one single bit.
I cooked a big dinner last night. Half way through the process, I was sorry that I began. I marinated a lot of chicken in teriyaki marinade and spices the day before. The plan was to put it on the grill. Mom was to make a big salad and I would make some quick macaroni and cheese.
As I'm prepping to go out back to the grill, I hear the boys talking upstairs. It sounds like a decent conversation at first, until it gets louder and louder. I start to cringe as the debate turns into quick anger. Then I hear, "Get off of me...!"
I yell up the stairs to basically disburse ...go to their perspective rooms. I get zero response. It's like my voice is mute. Yeah. Big surprise.
I have to march up there to get them apart with threats of course.
"Do you want to lose the Ipad for tonight!?" I yell at Blue.
"Do you want me to cook dinner? Because I can't do it if I'm up here pulling you two apart!"
"I'm sorry mom, but he..."
"He my ass! It takes two to fight!"
I turn to Red, "I guess you don't want me to help you with the video editing tonight!" (We've been working on the family reunion video together.)
I made Blue go out for a bike ride and sent Red to his room.
I am sick.of.them.both!
Hubby of course is out with colleagues at some fun spot downtown. Yeah. Not.jealous.at.all.
By the time my head hit the pillow, I thought to myself ...Why do I do this? Why do I cook for these heathens? Why do I do anything for them? I should just let them fight it out. What am I supposed to do when two gigantic wild animals are attacking each other?
I really just don't want to be here.
This isn't fun anymore.
I wish I could just enjoy my family.
(There is this family across the street from me. Their daughter is grown of course, and out of the house, but she's there visiting like every day. They are always having family dinners and going out together. They seem to really enjoy each other. What is that about? It's kind of weird and wickedly cool at the same time.)
My weekend get-away-high is gone. I'm back to feeling as low as a rock.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I need for somebody in this equation to be absent, because my heart is not fond right now.
My home is not a haven. It's the storm.
*My friends reading this ...
I will get through this. This depression is situational. I need to change the situation and I know what I have to do. It will take time, but it will get better. I know it will.
I cooked a big dinner last night. Half way through the process, I was sorry that I began. I marinated a lot of chicken in teriyaki marinade and spices the day before. The plan was to put it on the grill. Mom was to make a big salad and I would make some quick macaroni and cheese.
As I'm prepping to go out back to the grill, I hear the boys talking upstairs. It sounds like a decent conversation at first, until it gets louder and louder. I start to cringe as the debate turns into quick anger. Then I hear, "Get off of me...!"
I yell up the stairs to basically disburse ...go to their perspective rooms. I get zero response. It's like my voice is mute. Yeah. Big surprise.
I have to march up there to get them apart with threats of course.
"Do you want to lose the Ipad for tonight!?" I yell at Blue.
"Do you want me to cook dinner? Because I can't do it if I'm up here pulling you two apart!"
"I'm sorry mom, but he..."
"He my ass! It takes two to fight!"
I turn to Red, "I guess you don't want me to help you with the video editing tonight!" (We've been working on the family reunion video together.)
I made Blue go out for a bike ride and sent Red to his room.
I am sick.of.them.both!
Hubby of course is out with colleagues at some fun spot downtown. Yeah. Not.jealous.at.all.
By the time my head hit the pillow, I thought to myself ...Why do I do this? Why do I cook for these heathens? Why do I do anything for them? I should just let them fight it out. What am I supposed to do when two gigantic wild animals are attacking each other?
I really just don't want to be here.
This isn't fun anymore.
I wish I could just enjoy my family.
(There is this family across the street from me. Their daughter is grown of course, and out of the house, but she's there visiting like every day. They are always having family dinners and going out together. They seem to really enjoy each other. What is that about? It's kind of weird and wickedly cool at the same time.)
My weekend get-away-high is gone. I'm back to feeling as low as a rock.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I need for somebody in this equation to be absent, because my heart is not fond right now.
My home is not a haven. It's the storm.
*My friends reading this ...
I will get through this. This depression is situational. I need to change the situation and I know what I have to do. It will take time, but it will get better. I know it will.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago