At 18, most kids are excited about the possibilities of independence. Who wants a parent around always telling you what to do, when to come and go when you no longer feel like a child? Red wants the best of all worlds. He wants to remain at home. He's afraid of leaving. Yet he feels, that it's us, his parents who need to do all of the changing in order for us to get along.
I have written before about him being the Annoying Aspergers Christian.
His latest sermon is about how we should "never curse" because cursing is a sin. Well, so is disrespecting your parents but you do that every.single.day.
"But you guys shouldn't try to get revenge just because I'm not respectful."
Um. What? We don't have the time or energy to put into revenge.
The reality is that actions have consequences. If you run around yelling, demanding, and causing problems, we will not be going out of our way to do anything for you, besides provide the basic necessities of life. That means no extra rides, here and there. No stopping to pick up fast food for you. No money for movies and entertainment.
If you are relentless in your preaching and judgement, don't expect that we will not get exasperated at some point.
Can you imagine having your Pastor living in your house, for free and having him judge every single move make? Oh and by the way, this Pastor is a bit of a fraud. He has not fully studied the word of God. Most of his knowledge comes from what others have told him, of course with their own spin on it. He picks and chooses scriptures that he wants to enforce, without knowing the complete context of said scriptures, all while not walking the walk himself. You are an adult who has studied the word of God completely and you have enough life experience to know how to apply your faith to your life. Does it sound like fun? This is what I'm living.
What I try to get him to see is his own behavior. He is continuously yelling and screaming about what we need to stop doing. Yet, he will not stop and remove himself peacefully, when we have told him in a calm voice, that we no longer want to discuss the subject. When I have had enough and have asked him repeatedly to stop, but he won't, then he just may end up being cursed out! Now if he wants to avoid the wrath of my anger, simply leave the room! Walk away! You can not keep poking at the beehive and expect not to get stung at some point.
I am human. I have feelings and emotions. I can only stay calm and in control for so long. And believe me, I am the most patient mother he could have EVER been given.
Part of the issue is that he wants what he wants exactly when he wants it. This of course, is not always practical. The other part is that he craves attention. The other, other part is that he often does not know what to do with his free time. So he comes into a room and expects to be entertained. If he does not get the reaction that he is looking for than he gets louder and louder, or annoys the dog until he's yelping. Better yet, he starts in on a subject that he knows we do not want to talk about, repeating himself over and over again, revving himself up, until he gets some kind of commotion going.
He has never been particularly aggressive, but there are moments where he towers over me with clinched fists, aggressively, and loudly, blocking my way so that I can not leave a room or he will not leave a room.
Something has got to give here. I don't know how much longer I can not continue like this and my husband's fuse is even shorter than mine.
The good news is, that he continues to do well in all other settings including his Adult Transition Program. He is now working 10 hours a week. He goes off to events with his church, consistently.
I'm sure all while telling everyone who will listen what a horrible, sinful, cursing like sailors, family he has to live with.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago