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| Photo Credit: Snagglebox.com |
I ask hubby to take him with him to Target, to get him away from Red for a while and out of my hair. He isn't gone 10 minutes before he calls me. His friend called and invited him to spend the night. He wants to know if instead, his friend can spend the night with us, because Blue always spends the night with him and really he's more comfortable at home. Except he's really not comfortable anywhere. He likes to completely control any environment that he's in. He can relax at Jay's house, but not always overnight.
So he wants Jay to stay with us tonight. Only he may have to stay 2 nights, because it's going to freeze on Saturday and his parents may not be able to pick him up until Sunday.
He's talking really fast, not making a lot of sense.He sounds agitated, confused, focused, yet unfocused.
I know damn well, I am not committing to anyone spending 2 nights with us. I am frantic at the thought of my own children being stuck together in the house on the freezing, Saturday afternoon and evening. I'm dreading the thought of what should be a relaxing, cold, winter day at home. Surely, it will turn into a day of cabin fever with the two of them fighting like mad lab rats.
I don't like making any decisions haphazardly. He's talking too fast, trying to convince me. I know I will end up with regrets if I say a quick yes. I can not ever allow these boys to rush me into a decision. Once I say yes, I know I must stick with it, and once I say no...well...you get my drift. So, I tell him lets wait until he comes home to discuss it.
When he gets home we start the discussion and decide that the friend can spend one night only. I want it to be Saturday night, but not knowing exactly what the weather will be, he wants it to be tonight.
In the back of my mind, I feel this little itch -a voice inside my head that tells me, tonight is not the night for this. He is too on edge. At the same time, I rationalize, this friend can have a soothing effect over him. Jay is such a funny, easy going kid. We all enjoy is company. Maybe they will watch a movie and just chill.
The next thing I know, Red and Blue are arguing loudly over the dinner table. Blue wants me to make Red leave the kitchen NOW! He storms upstairs and starts talking loudly about whatever happened between them. I ask him to reign it in or there is no way we can have Jay over.
What did he hear when I said that? Did he hear? Hmm...maybe I should pull it together and calm down! NO!!!
The term calm down is really superfluous anyways ...isn't it?
He heard...
WHAT?! Red ruined this for me!??
What started off sounding like a tantrum over controlling his brother went from zero to 100 in nothing flat. Saying that he would lose a privilege if he couldn't get it together sent him reeling! It got real ugly real fast.
There wasn't even anytime to get on the phone with Jay and his Mom to cancel. We were too busy avoiding any collateral damage during the meltdown.
The difference between a meltdown and a tantrum over control can be a very thin line. A tantrum usually starts over something that they want. In this case, he wanted control. He wanted ME to control Red. However, once the line has been crossed and the Aspergers child knows that they will not be getting exactly what they want ...all is lost. Meltdown ensues. During a meltdown, there is no rational thought. There is only very irrational anger and uncontrollable behavior.
Your typical modes of discipline can not even be put on the table. If you don't stop this behavior ...you will lose this or that! Stop using that language or this will happen. HA! Control has left the building at that point. It is no where to be found!
No matter how much Blue actually wanted his friend to spend the night, his anger, anxiety and need to control Red and me, was much stronger than the payoff of actually having the friend spend the night.
Sometimes we think our kids are just being bratty. They are having a tantrum or an outburst, in order to manipulate us, in order to get what they want. They may start off trying to get what they want. But at a certain point, they completely lose control. When that happens, forget about discipline. It's not going to happen. Just be ready to ride out the storm and try your best not to add to the storm. Try to minimize the damage by remaining calm, if at all possible. Believe me...it is not always possible! We are human.
Jay and his mom showed up at our house, just as we were getting the boiling pot back down to a simmer. Unfortunately, we had reached a point of no return where Blue would not be able to pull it together in order to be good company for a sleep over. I hated disappointing Jay, but I had to send him back home.
Was this meltdown avoidable? Should I have just followed that little voice inside my head that said, this is not a good night for this? If I just said no...we will do this tomorrow, would he have still gone over the edge? Probably. He was already edgy. Who knows?
If things suddenly become simple we are left standing there like a deer in the headlights wondering when we're going to get hit.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago