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Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Supervisor (w/the worst Pay Ever!)

In this life of mine, I have to take comfort in the small things.  There are so many big things that seem so overwhelming and I can really get bogged down by the enormity of it all.  There are so many mountains to climb, so many lives to supervise and take care of.  The "To Do" list is unending ...always adding more before I complete what's already on the list.  Its enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning.  Especially, when the first thing I have to do in the morning is wake up grumpy teenagers and rush them out the door.

Last night's prayer was simple...

Dear God,

Thank you for my bed and the fact that I don't have to share it tonight.  Thank you for the chill in the air that makes my comforter necessary.  I love the way it feels laying heavily cocooning me in like a caterpillar.  There is no one to nudge to stop snoring or turnover tonight.  No one to feed accept my children.  I'm thankful that my husband is safe on the other side of the country, working to bring home the bacon.  I am thankful for my phone and text messaging, because sometimes it's better not to actually talk to him when I'm in this mood.  What's meant to be a quick check-in can end up being a series of misunderstood statements which lead to an argument.  

I am thankful that there were no meltdowns today, because last nights meltdown was a real doozy.  I'm still reeling from it.  I'm still upset with my mom for getting in it, and making it worse.  It's funny how I can so quickly forgive the kids for their mistakes, but I hold the adults who don't have a disability to a much higher standard.  Help me work on forgiveness Lord. 

I am thankful that I didn't have to talk very much today to anyone, including my husband because I am grumpy. 

Amen

The other night I was so pissed at my mom for agitating Blue even more during a meltdown.  After 3 years of living here...she still doesn't get it.  I know we all can not handle this meltdowns perfectly, by staying calm and not making matters worse 100% of the time.  However, I feel like I just don't need any one or anything else making my job harder --saying or doing things to damage my children's self-esteem.  I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can do enough damage all by myself.

Having my mother here and my husband for that matter, often makes my job harder.  Neither of them get it.  They want to win!  They want to prove that they are right and the kids are wrong, which may very well be true, but when a child with autism is in an agitated state, there is no winning or loosing.  There is no logic or reasoning.  It's like they've gone completely mad!  And the more you talk, yell, or try to make them feel bad, the worse the meltdown gets.  TEACHING MOMENTS DO NOT HAPPEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A MELTDOWN!  The lessons to be taught and learned happen later, when they are calm.

I am tired of supervising people.  I am tired of breaking up fights.  I am tired of trying to appease everyone.  I am the freaking beck and call girl around here ...at your service to fulfill your needs for food, drinks, and rides to here and there.  I am here to break up fights between the 4 other people who live in this house, including the adults.  I am the one. the referee who comes between every freaking argument ...trying to keep them from escalating to the maximum.  For teenagers, on the autism spectrum this is expected, but to have to do it for the adults too!  It's just a bit much.

So yesterday, I spent part of the day in bed, recuperating from the night before.  I said all of 3 words to my mother all day.  I refrained from calling my brother and telling him to send her a ticket for a month in California, even though I was really tempted.

And yes...I was glad that my husband was not here for me to do for and supervise. The only two people I took care of yesterday other than myself, were my children.  For that --yes...I am grateful.

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