I find errands to run in hopes that he will come home, start watching Sponge Bob and forget to have the conversation. Maybe he will get on the phone and have the conversation with his friend instead of me.
He even gets on facebook to have this conversation....
"It really sucks that all the hot girls only like the buff guys!"
"It makes me so angry when I see girls with ripped guys! They're douche bags!"
"Why are girls in high-school so shallow?" Yeah...this one is a real winner.
"I hardly have any girls who are even friends."
"Why do you have to be ripped to get a girl?"
And the fait accompli...
"Someone told me I have to go for ugly girls first before I can get a pretty girl. Really?"
Yep...that one is going to score tons of points with any female who is reading it.
So one of the moms on my Facebook Community, (thank you Jessica) suggested that I just become an "active listener" instead of trying to advise him on a problem that we can not readily fix. There is no answer (at least not one that he is willing to really hear). The suggestions from me and anyone else he knows just go around in circles --in one ear...out the other...down the street, around the corner and back again. It never sinks in...he never agrees. He just wants to talk about it. He just wants to be heard. He just wants EVERYONE to know how frustrated he is.
I decide to try just listening, saying things like, "I understand how you feel. Yes, I'm sure that must be frustrating." When he asks a question, I say something like, "I don't know...what to you think?" It works for a while. I am less emotional. I am not so invested because he isn't taking my advice. I am divorced from it...or at least legally separated. The conversation goes on for a good 45 minutes or so. I'm really tired of it at which point comes this question...
"Do you think I would have a better chance to get a cheerleader if I were a football player?"
"Well lets see...you're in 11th grade. Football season is already half-over.
Do you like to work out? Do you like to run? So do you think you can suddenly become a football player in your Senior year?"
"I dunno."
"Well then I don't really think there is any point to this question...is there?"
"Just answer it!"
"Well...what do you think?" I ask.
"I just want you to answer it?"
"I want you to answer it for yourself."
This goes on for about 20 minutes. He gets louder and louder because I just can't do it. I can't...won't...whatever.
Now maybe I'm being a bitch here. But I have answered this question already 9 zillion times. He knows damn well he is not about to become a football player. He knows that if he did ...yes it may ever-so-slightly increase his chances at getting a cheerleader. But getting a cheerleader is so far off the mark from where he should even be looking. I mean why doesn't he just ask Jennifer Lopez to be his girlfriend?
He knows...he should be looking for friends...female and male. He knows that he is the one being "shallow." He knows that his focus should be on getting his education and building his future. He knows that establishing good friendships is the key to finding someone who really understands him and loves him for exactly who he is. He knows all of this because I have told him this ...over and over again. Everyone he knows has told him this. Relatives, friends, his brother, his father, his Pastor, friends at church, his Facebook friends...everyone!
Now he may not know exactly how to go about this...friend making of the opposite sex. He does have some deficits in social skills and conversation starting. But the biggest part of his problem is the tunnel vision. He seems unable to take a 360 degree view of the world. He only looks through a narrow tunnel at 1 or 2 people who are difficult if not impossible to get. With his black and white thought process...he is stuck on girls are either ugly or hot...two words that I have come to absolutely loathe when it comes to describing young ladies.
"So if I can't get a hot girl...you're saying I have to get an ugly girl."
To which I vehemently reply, "There are no ugly human beings!"
I hate that word ugly! Did I say that already?
The good news is...I didn't get emotional this time. I didn't answer the question. I made him answer it for himself. And today when he comes home from school. We will go through the same routine...again.
The other good news is that I also found him a new "expensive" therapist that specializes in Aspergers, adolescence and dating. He can talk to him too. Too bad it's only once a week and not everyday after school.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago