As I am meditating…I keep feeling my mind doing the usual drifting. It drifts towards problems I need to solve in my life, unresolved issues with people that I love and worries in general. The whole thing with mediation is supposed to be quieting your mind and body. Letting go of your thoughts to just --be. You are supposed to focus on just one thought, subject, mantra or prayer. You can just quiet your mind and focus on your breath. This is not an easy task for me. It's probably not an easy task for most people, but I'm desperate for inner peace and deep rest so I figure --it's worth a shot.
A few weeks ago I downloaded a meditation relaxation MP3. I had been thinking about meditation after watching a show about it on Super Soul Sunday on Oprah's Network, OWN. A few nights later, one of the pages I like on facebook offered this free meditation music download. For the first 2 weeks of listening and meditating, it was like freakin' magic. I wondered if it had some kind of subliminal poppycock, witchcraft or something in it. I listened and relaxed, only drifting a little here a little there. I could easily bring myself by counting, breathing deeper, focusing on the breath. Remembering the soft voice of my friend and Yoga teacher, Laura telling me to relax every part of my body --to soften my jaw and relax my mouth. I would realize that although I'm supposed to be relaxing…I'm actually clinching my teeth. I would remind myself, breathe Karen…just breathe.
It worked almost like a miracle. I slept like a baby for 2 weeks straight. I awakened without a headache. I had energy for the entire day. It was great!
For the past few nights, it seems like it isn't working as well. However, I refuse to give up. This time as I'm meditating, I come up with a mantra to repeat -to focus on instead of my worries. I'm sick of my worries. I don't want to think too hard or deep to come up with a prayer or mantra. My mind goes straight to...
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath) Love (in breath) Peace (out breath)
I begin to notice how much deeper I am able to breathe than I was just a few short weeks ago when I started this process. I am thankful for this. I keep breathing.
Love (in-breath), Peace (out breath)
When all is said and done, and I'm finished meditating, I am a little perturbed that I am not sleepy. I start to think of my hunger. I don't want to eat this time of night. Why am I not sleepy? I have to get up early tomorrow. I need to go to sleep now! I don't want to take any sleep aid. Then I'll be even more tired in the morning. This meditation crap isn't working anymore. The download music was all a fluke. It psyched myself out…believing this meditation music was some miracle that had changed my life. Big Dummy!
Finally, I give into the hunger. I get up…go downstairs and get that week-old half a red-velvet cupcake from the refrigerator, heat it for 7 seconds, pour myself a half cup of milk and fill the empty spot. I get back in bed and watch some lame television until I get sleepy enough to turn it off. So much for meditation right?
The following morning I have an epiphany. When I come down the stairs to clean Blue's t-shirt for camp, the sun is shining. It was cloudy and gray all day yesterday. I find myself in markedly, deep thanks that we had the rain that we needed and now the sun is shining. The pink roses I bought myself for $5.99 at the grocery store are all blooming and smiling at me.
Love (in-breath), Peace (out-breath).
Blue is being a total morning grump. It is all my fault that his camp-shirt is dirty because HE wore it last week when there was no camp and then shoved it in the dirty clothes. I clean it for him with a smile and throw it in the dryer. I refuse to join him in his grumpiness. When he looks at me all grumpy I smile back at him.
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath).
I go upstairs and smile at my husband.
He says, "Are you smiling because you're grateful?"
"Grateful for what?" I ask.
"Because I'm taking Blue to camp this morning."
"I had no idea you were taking him to camp…but thank you!"
I get to spend a quiet morning ALONE…in my own house.
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath)
As I'm sipping my coffee, I get on my "Confessions" facebook page feeling guilty for whining to my community the night before about not reading the blog. Instead, I open the page only to find all of these loving comments from my readers telling me how they love my writing, how it helps them feel less alone in their journey, how honest, real and brave it is. My heart smiles.
Love (in breath) Peace (out Breath)
I notice …It is so quiet. I am alone -my favorite state of being these days. There is no television playing with my Mom's court shows. There are no children's foot-steps to listen for and dread when I feel them coming towards me. There are no questions to answer, no fights to break-up, no conversations I don't feel like having.
Love(in breath) Peace (out breath)
There are a number of negative situations in my life right now. There are challenges that we all face every day. Today, I choose to meet those challenges and situations with love in order to create peace in my world.
For the next 24-hours I challenge you to do the same --to approach your life with...
Love (in breath) and Peace (out breath).
I want you to approach everything you do with Love in your heart and Peace in your mind. Let me know how it turns out.