As I am meditating…I keep feeling my mind doing the usual drifting. It drifts towards problems I need to solve in my life, unresolved issues with people that I love and worries in general. The whole thing with mediation is supposed to be quieting your mind and body. Letting go of your thoughts to just --be. You are supposed to focus on just one thought, subject, mantra or prayer. You can just quiet your mind and focus on your breath. This is not an easy task for me. It's probably not an easy task for most people, but I'm desperate for inner peace and deep rest so I figure --it's worth a shot.
A few weeks ago I downloaded a meditation relaxation MP3. I had been thinking about meditation after watching a show about it on Super Soul Sunday on Oprah's Network, OWN. A few nights later, one of the pages I like on facebook offered this free meditation music download. For the first 2 weeks of listening and meditating, it was like freakin' magic. I wondered if it had some kind of subliminal poppycock, witchcraft or something in it. I listened and relaxed, only drifting a little here a little there. I could easily bring myself by counting, breathing deeper, focusing on the breath. Remembering the soft voice of my friend and Yoga teacher, Laura telling me to relax every part of my body --to soften my jaw and relax my mouth. I would realize that although I'm supposed to be relaxing…I'm actually clinching my teeth. I would remind myself, breathe Karen…just breathe.
It worked almost like a miracle. I slept like a baby for 2 weeks straight. I awakened without a headache. I had energy for the entire day. It was great!
For the past few nights, it seems like it isn't working as well. However, I refuse to give up. This time as I'm meditating, I come up with a mantra to repeat -to focus on instead of my worries. I'm sick of my worries. I don't want to think too hard or deep to come up with a prayer or mantra. My mind goes straight to...
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath) Love (in breath) Peace (out breath)
I begin to notice how much deeper I am able to breathe than I was just a few short weeks ago when I started this process. I am thankful for this. I keep breathing.
Love (in-breath), Peace (out breath)
When all is said and done, and I'm finished meditating, I am a little perturbed that I am not sleepy. I start to think of my hunger. I don't want to eat this time of night. Why am I not sleepy? I have to get up early tomorrow. I need to go to sleep now! I don't want to take any sleep aid. Then I'll be even more tired in the morning. This meditation crap isn't working anymore. The download music was all a fluke. It psyched myself out…believing this meditation music was some miracle that had changed my life. Big Dummy!
Finally, I give into the hunger. I get up…go downstairs and get that week-old half a red-velvet cupcake from the refrigerator, heat it for 7 seconds, pour myself a half cup of milk and fill the empty spot. I get back in bed and watch some lame television until I get sleepy enough to turn it off. So much for meditation right?
The following morning I have an epiphany. When I come down the stairs to clean Blue's t-shirt for camp, the sun is shining. It was cloudy and gray all day yesterday. I find myself in markedly, deep thanks that we had the rain that we needed and now the sun is shining. The pink roses I bought myself for $5.99 at the grocery store are all blooming and smiling at me.
Love (in-breath), Peace (out-breath).
Blue is being a total morning grump. It is all my fault that his camp-shirt is dirty because HE wore it last week when there was no camp and then shoved it in the dirty clothes. I clean it for him with a smile and throw it in the dryer. I refuse to join him in his grumpiness. When he looks at me all grumpy I smile back at him.
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath).
I go upstairs and smile at my husband.
He says, "Are you smiling because you're grateful?"
"Grateful for what?" I ask.
"Because I'm taking Blue to camp this morning."
"I had no idea you were taking him to camp…but thank you!"
I get to spend a quiet morning ALONE…in my own house.
Love (in breath) Peace (out breath)
As I'm sipping my coffee, I get on my "Confessions" facebook page feeling guilty for whining to my community the night before about not reading the blog. Instead, I open the page only to find all of these loving comments from my readers telling me how they love my writing, how it helps them feel less alone in their journey, how honest, real and brave it is. My heart smiles.
Love (in breath) Peace (out Breath)
I notice …It is so quiet. I am alone -my favorite state of being these days. There is no television playing with my Mom's court shows. There are no children's foot-steps to listen for and dread when I feel them coming towards me. There are no questions to answer, no fights to break-up, no conversations I don't feel like having.
Love(in breath) Peace (out breath)
There are a number of negative situations in my life right now. There are challenges that we all face every day. Today, I choose to meet those challenges and situations with love in order to create peace in my world.
For the next 24-hours I challenge you to do the same --to approach your life with...
Love (in breath) and Peace (out breath).
I want you to approach everything you do with Love in your heart and Peace in your mind. Let me know how it turns out.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago