This was my FB status on Sunday. I know...funny right? Funny, sad and true.
I am this romantic person lost inside of this unromantic life, with these unromantic boys that I live with. And for this weekend's purposes...I"m going to lump my husband into the unromantic category. Lucky for him, he has his romantic moments and is generally a wonderful guy. But we all know that no marriage is perfect and we all have an ugly side. I am the lucky person who gets to see his, and he gets to see mine...more often than not lately. When you live in a stressful environment, sometimes it's hard to be all lovey-dovey and nice.
Saturday is peaceful for the most part. I spend most of the day in my pajamas. Aspergers Dad takes the boys out to dinner and to Best Buy to look around. Blue wants to window shop for his birthday, which is coming up this week. I literally scream hallelujah as I lock the door behind them.
In the quiet, I get online to play Words With Friends on Facebook. Unfortunately, I read the news about the death of Whitney Houston. My heart is heavy because of this loss. Another great artist who pays the price of high art with her life. What is it about the greatest singers in the world that makes them succumb to a life of drugs? It's so sad.
I think of all of the songs of hers that I loved at different times in my life. I remember that first video I saw on MTV of her in the blond wig. I have the fleeting thought of the the boyfriend I was with at the time. I think of how sexy I thought she was with Kevin Costner in the Body Guard. And "I will always love you" was just --epic. I think of her during that sad time around 2005, when she did the reality show with her husband, "Being Bobby Brown." "Bobby!" she would call him in her very street, round-the-way-girl voice. We got to see how much she and Bobby really were alike despite the image we had previously been sold.
Nevertheless, her voice was undeniable! Her talent, larger than life. I was pulling for her in her last "come back" album. Thrilled to see her in her last interview with Oprah. I was hopeful for her...and now saddened by her death.
Sunday morning we have a wintery mix of rain, sleet and a few snow flurries. I am so thankful that there is food in the house and I don't have to leave. My mom has plans to cook dinner for us. Awesome! I plan to do laundry and relax. (Yeah...right. These people I live trampled all over every last inch of my nerves all day long.)
Blue has become this angry teenager, who disagrees with every word I say. He hates to be "bossed around" as he says by me. Well...excuse the hell out of me for being your mother! Red is doing better but he's talking pretty much non-stop. You can't shut him up. I'm trying to relax downstairs watching my trashy t.v. and suddenly everyone is hungry.
"What's for lunch?"
"There's nothing to eat here! Well...there's nothing I want."
I offer a myriad of choices. None of it is good enough. Blue tries to make lunch so complicated that I just want to scream. It's like he tries to see how far he can push me. I don't think he's manipulative. He just wants things HIS way and hates to be told no.
When I do make Blue and Asperger Dad lunch...they come downstairs and start complaining about what I'm watching on t.v. Blue tells me how inappropriate everything is and his father is giving me "the look." I call it the Big Pappa look of disapproval. (I have a father baby, and you are not him!)
I turn the television off. I'm pissed! Wasn't I here first? I just made lunch for you two and now you're complaining about what I'm watching on t.v. You're welcome very much!
I go upstairs to my room. Red is in my room watching some loud irritating show. He got rid of the t.v. in his own room in one of his minimalist purges. His t.v. wasn't good enough because it wasn't an HD 1080p, flatscreen. This is just great!
There is no escape! To make it worse...I have no wine in the house!
Later in the evening, I have to have to help Blue get through a novel for school. He loathes this novel and it's violent themes. "The Hunger Games" is assigned reading for his language arts class. I find extreme irony in the fact that our school district gives parents and "opt out" to watch the President of the United States addressing children, to encourage them to work hard in school. Yet, they assign reading to 7th graders with violent themes. Where's the "opt out" for that?
Of course, I am the lucky recipient of his loathing of this assignment. Although I am trying to help him, he is talking to me as if I assigned the novel myself. Everything is my fault. To top it all off, my mother chimes in taking issue with the way that he is talking to me. She lets him know, in no uncertain terms, that he is being disrespectful to her daughter. This sends him over the edge. I have to corral him up to his room and calm him down. Thanks Mom! I really appreciate your help.
It's a sad state of affairs when you start to get used to hearing your children saying things like, "I just want to end my life, because this homework is really stressing me out. I'm such a bad person because I take it all out on you."
We talk through it. I assure him, that I love him. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened we end with, "I love you." That's all that matters. He agrees. We get through the assignment and hug it out as I tuck him for bed. (This is actually the best part of my day.)
By the time they all go to bed I self-medicate with a brownie and 2 ounces of milk. I'm not speaking to my husband or my mother. I've had run-ins with both of them.
Oh yeah...It's a Wonderful Life!
Truly,
Romantic Girl
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago