The entire weekend is all about BOREDOM according to the 16-year-old boy we call Red.
"My computer sucks! I need a new video card."
Dad just gave him 2 video cards from his machine. Dad got a new mega video card and passed his two perfectly good video cards down to Red. Of course, non-job-having Red would prefer the new video card. You know...the one Dad got. That is Dad...the one who works hard, pays the bills and makes his entire life possible.
Dad's response...zero. He's very good at ignoring. Which sends him directly to me. (Thanks a lot Dad!) You know, Mom, who knows nothing about computers, but is supposed to somehow be able to control Dad. My response? "Children in Africa play with sticks and empty plastic bottles and they're happy. Being happy with what you have is a choice." What he has works...it's simply not good enough for him.
"When you don't have a job...you have to be satisfied with what you are given. This is no different than it is was for me when I was 16. When my parents couldn't give me what I wanted...I had to get a job. It was the same for your older brother when he was 16. The only thing we owe you is food, clothing, shelter and education. Everything else is gravy...you know, icing on the cake." What does that mean to him? Not much. He doesn't want to hear it although, he's heard it many times before.
"But I don't have a job! You guys are being so unfair!"
"Exactly...you don't have a job, so you don't have a choice, but to accept what we give you and you SHOULD do so graciously." I may as well be talking to a brick wall.
He is trying to create his own video editing business, which I commend him for. He has a nice video camera, editing software, which he taught himself how to use and he has done several jobs, mostly for friends and family members. The latest thing however is, "I need more equipment and if you wanted to help me with my business...you would buy it for me."
My response, "I will be glad to invest in your business when you have some jobs lined up so that I can see a return on my investment."
"What do you mean a return?"
"An investment...means someone gives you money for your business and you pay them back, plus a small profit when you begin to make money."
"Why would I give someone my money? They didn't do the job!"
"But if it weren't for THEIR money, you wouldn't be able to do the job."
I try to explain to him that he has to work with what he has until he can make more money or get more jobs lined up. Then he can buy better or more equipment. I'm not just handing out money for equipment that he will sit in the closet when no business drops into his lap. I'm glad that he is at least thinking about making his own money, but again somehow, it falls back on us to spend more money...just because we're his parents. This has to be repeated over and over and over again...before he will hopefully, get it.
So we get the, "I'm so bored! I can't play my game on my computer! You guys are so unfair!" all weekend long. Any redirection such as, "Play the Playstation. Watch a movie or call a friend," is met with considerable objection. Essentially, he is creating his own boredom.
I read this timely article, Of Presidents Teens & Dreams. Ronae Jull, the author, hits the nail on the head for so many of our teens today. It's like she's living in my house. One of the things she says that effects our teens dreams is this sense of entitlement.
"This entitlement attitude has at its base a great self-centered focus:
What can you do / give to ME? I deserve it just because I’m alive.”
The article gives parents advice on how to help our teens grow up and get a reality check. I paraphrase what she says here:
- "Stop giving your teen everything. . STARTinvolving them in open conversations about budgeting and economic changes affecting the family.
- Stop putting up with your teen’s selfishness. Selfishness is a normal part of development that needs parental help to grow out of. START with clearly defined and communicated expectations for behavior and attitudes."
I assign a few chores, which he does extremely well because he wants to be paid. He thoroughly cleans his own disgusting bathroom. Toilet, floor, counter, sink, mirror, bath and shower. He even steam mops the tile for the first time. Why should I pay $5.00 for him to clean his own pissy bathroom? To shut him up for an hour! Desperate times....
So he creates this world of negativity for himself and attempts to suck us all into it. He rants, he screams, he hates everyone and everything all weekend long. All of this is our fault and our problem...not his.
Monday morning, he is suddenly so sorry for his behavior. "But you guys really do make me mad. We need to have a family meeting to help us figure out how to get along." I am working on setting up this meeting. However, no family meeting will change the fact that if you choose to not be satisfied with all of your blessings...you will NEVER be happy.
Tuesday afternoon he comes home from school, having had a conversation with the school Psychologist, with a whole new attitude. Suddenly, he decides to call all of his friends to check in and have pleasant conversations. He is kind to his brother. He goes out with me for a walk. He's a whole new kid, which confirms that the antics over the weekend were totally of his own volition and creation.
Of course the pleasantries come along with an underlying goal. He says in the car on our way to the park "I really need to work on my behavior if I want to go to Six Flags during Spring Break."
Amazing!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
Robots for kids
Robotic Online Classes
Robotics School Projects
Programming Courses Malaysia
Coding courses
Coding Academy
coding robots for kids
Coding classes for kids
Coding For Kids
Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago