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Monday, December 26, 2011

All I Want for Christmas Is Some San-i-Ty

Editorial Note: If you're looking for a warm and fuzzy Christmas story.  Move on...it ain't happening here. 

Sitting at the kitchen table over left-over macaroni and cheese,  I browse through Facebook on my new Kindle Fire.  Yep...that's right, Papa's in trouble.  He bought a new electronic device for me to be obsessed with...to lose myself in.  I escape the madness all around me by peering into other people's lives on Facebook,  Twitter and blogs.  As I peruse through statuses and pictures, of all of these "normal" lives.  Tonight it hits me....we are not sitting around with family enjoying the holidays.  We are walking around on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid setting off a bomb in our own home.

The climax that we've been leading up to for well over a month is shamefully, anti-climatic.  The hundreds of dollars,  days and hours spent preparing for Christmas feel all for not.  No one around this freakin' camp is happy! (Well...I'm happy about my new Kindle and that my husband has been eerily nice to me).  The boys however, were happy for all of a few hours on Christmas day.  Not long after opening their gifts, they were off on-line trying to figure out how to spend the Christmas money they received from our relatives on what was not under the tree.  Instead of enjoying all that is right in front of them they are looking for more.

When I tell them that next year we will do things differently.  We will take the surprise element completely out of it to cut down on some of the anxiety.  "Nooo!" They sing in unison.  "That's what Christmas is all about Mom.  You can't do that."  Wanna bet! 
"No my dears...that is NOT what Christmas is all about.  Christmas is about the birth of Christ.  It's about giving to others.  It's about enjoying our friends and family.  None of which is what is going on here in this house." 

I read the status of Blue's best friend J's mom which says, "Listening to J play his guitar. What fun!"  "That is great!" I reply.  I press enter and suddenly, I loose it!  Tears just start falling uncontrollably.  Pictures of my happy family in California all together enjoying Christmas run through my mind.

Friends of ours are enjoying simple, joyful festivities all over the country with their "normal" families.  Here is J's family, (and J also has Aspergers, by the way) is enjoying family time together playing the guitar, while my Aspergers child is sitting here having one meltdown after another.  

He has run away today. He was only gone for 30 minutes.  My head was pounding so hard, I didn't even go and look for him.  He picked up a knife and threatened to hurt himself today.  Then he is remorseful yet, upset with himself for behaving this way.   He says, he feels out of control and that his doctor is not helping him.
"I HATE Dr. So and So!  She's not helping me!  This is her fault!" He says irrationally. 

The triggers???  Well...let's see, "Can you guys buy me a movie, because I can't spend my money on that.  I have to buy something else." Uh...No we can not.  We're all spent out.  Are you kidding me?  They have no idea that the bills from Christmas still have to be paid.  We did most of our shopping online...for convenience.  But when that credit card bill comes in...we plan on paying it...in full!  We are not buying another thing!  Especially when everything we've already bought has not caused happiness.  In fact, it's caused meltdowns.

When Blue recovers from that meltdown.  I'm thinking...that's it for the day.  No!  I am wrong.  At 8:30 p.m. he asks can he have company.  Uh...No.  It's a little late to be asking a friend to come over.  Not to mention we are all recuperating from your last meltdown.  This brings on another rant.  This is unreal! 

As I am sitting at the kitchen table...he sees me loosing it.  I believe this is a first.  I don't ever remember crying in front of him before.  I'm just so tired of doing anything and everything to hopefully produce an ounce of happiness from these kids.  From the things we buy them, to the places we take them, to the therapy and medication.  Nothing seems to be working right now!  I feel so helpless!  

Dad escaped to the movies for a couple of hours, because he was about to lose it.  He doesn't have half the patience that I do.  That would not be pretty, so I sent him off for a few hours.

The boys, try to comfort me for all of 10 minutes.  Before they move on to making cookies.  (Hey...at least I didn't have to make them.)  I just couldn't pull myself together.  In a way, I think it's good for them to see the emotion....for them to know that they are not the only ones who can loose it.  I am human and not always a pillar of strength.  I have limits. 

Of course...I will go on.  Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.  Yada yada yada!   

Thank you to my Facebook Community  friends for the prayers and positive thoughts.  I love you all.