Editorial Note: If you're looking for a warm and fuzzy Christmas story. Move on...it ain't happening here.
The climax that we've been leading up to for well over a month is shamefully, anti-climatic. The hundreds of dollars, days and hours spent preparing for Christmas feel all for not. No one around this freakin' camp is happy! (Well...I'm happy about my new Kindle and that my husband has been eerily nice to me). The boys however, were happy for all of a few hours on Christmas day. Not long after opening their gifts, they were off on-line trying to figure out how to spend the Christmas money they received from our relatives on what was not under the tree. Instead of enjoying all that is right in front of them they are looking for more.
When I tell them that next year we will do things differently. We will take the surprise element completely out of it to cut down on some of the anxiety. "Nooo!" They sing in unison. "That's what Christmas is all about Mom. You can't do that." Wanna bet!
"No my dears...that is NOT what Christmas is all about. Christmas is about the birth of Christ. It's about giving to others. It's about enjoying our friends and family. None of which is what is going on here in this house."
I read the status of Blue's best friend J's mom which says, "Listening to J play his guitar. What fun!" "That is great!" I reply. I press enter and suddenly, I loose it! Tears just start falling uncontrollably. Pictures of my happy family in California all together enjoying Christmas run through my mind.
Friends of ours are enjoying simple, joyful festivities all over the country with their "normal" families. Here is J's family, (and J also has Aspergers, by the way) is enjoying family time together playing the guitar, while my Aspergers child is sitting here having one meltdown after another.
He has run away today. He was only gone for 30 minutes. My head was pounding so hard, I didn't even go and look for him. He picked up a knife and threatened to hurt himself today. Then he is remorseful yet, upset with himself for behaving this way. He says, he feels out of control and that his doctor is not helping him.
"I HATE Dr. So and So! She's not helping me! This is her fault!" He says irrationally.
"I HATE Dr. So and So! She's not helping me! This is her fault!" He says irrationally.
The triggers??? Well...let's see, "Can you guys buy me a movie, because I can't spend my money on that. I have to buy something else." Uh...No we can not. We're all spent out. Are you kidding me? They have no idea that the bills from Christmas still have to be paid. We did most of our shopping online...for convenience. But when that credit card bill comes in...we plan on paying it...in full! We are not buying another thing! Especially when everything we've already bought has not caused happiness. In fact, it's caused meltdowns.
When Blue recovers from that meltdown. I'm thinking...that's it for the day. No! I am wrong. At 8:30 p.m. he asks can he have company. Uh...No. It's a little late to be asking a friend to come over. Not to mention we are all recuperating from your last meltdown. This brings on another rant. This is unreal!
As I am sitting at the kitchen table...he sees me loosing it. I believe this is a first. I don't ever remember crying in front of him before. I'm just so tired of doing anything and everything to hopefully produce an ounce of happiness from these kids. From the things we buy them, to the places we take them, to the therapy and medication. Nothing seems to be working right now! I feel so helpless!
Dad escaped to the movies for a couple of hours, because he was about to lose it. He doesn't have half the patience that I do. That would not be pretty, so I sent him off for a few hours.
The boys, try to comfort me for all of 10 minutes. Before they move on to making cookies. (Hey...at least I didn't have to make them.) I just couldn't pull myself together. In a way, I think it's good for them to see the emotion....for them to know that they are not the only ones who can loose it. I am human and not always a pillar of strength. I have limits.
Of course...I will go on. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. Yada yada yada!
Thank you to my Facebook Community friends for the prayers and positive thoughts. I love you all.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
Robots for kids
Robotic Online Classes
Robotics School Projects
Programming Courses Malaysia
Coding courses
Coding Academy
coding robots for kids
Coding classes for kids
Coding For Kids
Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago