Getting away from the reality of your life is a wonderful thing. It can be really difficult to pull yourself away when your children are holding on to you for dear life. I feel so responsible for their happiness and in this case...a lack thereof. I get lost in it...sometimes to the point where I feel like I'm drowning. It's just not healthy. My positive energy just melts away, leaving me depleted, angry and sometimes even resentful.
I find that as the boys get older in some ways, they require more of me. I didn't think it was supposed to work this way. You think typically...older means MORE independent. Even though Red is 16 years-old, he requires the most, at least emotionally. I am his safe haven. I am the person in the world who understands him most. Why would he want to let go of his safety net?
Well this weekend, I put on my oxygen mask first and drove away to Houston to meet my new baby/nephew/godchild. Just being in the presence of new life gives you such wonderful perspective and simple pleasure. There is something about the essence of a new life that is so pure...it just makes you feel good. Their sweet cuddles make you forget about the pain they will inevitably cause you when they become terrible 2 toddlers, pain-in-the-butt teens, and young adults who don't have the time of day for the mother who raised them. (Yes...I am talking about the prodigal 23 yr-old son). Since I will never have the pleasure of having another baby...my very gracious friend indulges me by sharing her wonderful babies with me.
We mostly just sit around enjoying watching baby C. sleep, eat, and poop for 2 days. I also enjoyed coddling and spoiling my 2 year-old niece. We ate good food, drank good wine watched movies and played with my babies. Baby C's personality seems very calm and introspective. As I watch him I wonder what his personality will actually be. His sister is a complete bundle of energy and entertainment. She's talking up a storm, often uttering her favorite word that she says in the sweetest voice, "no."
My boys do miss me, of course. Before I left, Red announces that he is giving up on his hobby of flying via Flight Simulator in order to focus on his video editing business. I tell him he can do both, but he seems to be an all or nothing kind of guy.
Subsequently, he spends most of the weekend claiming boredom. He does not actually work on any videos. Instead, he spends a great deal of time and energy complaining about one thing or another. What he wants is attention...and he will get it one way or another whether it's positive or negative. Whatever positive attention he receives while I am away...is not enough. The good things his father does with him have a short shelf life.
Lately, he doesn't do well with unstructured time here at home. He feels like he has to be entertained in some way...that is, when he's not on his computer. If not, he wants to talk non-stop about a subject of interest or about something he wants to do or buy. He can talk himself into a stupor, when the answer to his request is not what he wants to hear, or if you just disagree with him or try to redirect him to do something that will change his negative thought pattern. This eventually turns into a miniature meltdown, which he apologizes for an hour later. It's big fun!
He finally admits on Sunday that he just misses me and is mad because I am away. This combined with his selective boredom presents quite a challenge for Dad. Do I feel any guilt about this? Maybe a tinge. But the bottom line is for MY sanity, I need time to decompress...to just think...to just be, without my every thought being interrupted...especially by negativity. Dad gets this on a regular basis when he travels for business. He doesn't want to count it as "peace" time, but the bottom line is that he closes the door to a hotel room at night and doesn't have to listen to any crazy talk for hours on end. I don't care if he is working. It's still a break from the insanity.
When I get home Monday afternoon...I'm not in the door ten minutes before he is all over me, like white on rice! Dad goes off to watch Monday Night Football while I deal with it. Luckily, I have tequila in the house.
I find that as the boys get older in some ways, they require more of me. I didn't think it was supposed to work this way. You think typically...older means MORE independent. Even though Red is 16 years-old, he requires the most, at least emotionally. I am his safe haven. I am the person in the world who understands him most. Why would he want to let go of his safety net?
Well this weekend, I put on my oxygen mask first and drove away to Houston to meet my new baby/nephew/godchild. Just being in the presence of new life gives you such wonderful perspective and simple pleasure. There is something about the essence of a new life that is so pure...it just makes you feel good. Their sweet cuddles make you forget about the pain they will inevitably cause you when they become terrible 2 toddlers, pain-in-the-butt teens, and young adults who don't have the time of day for the mother who raised them. (Yes...I am talking about the prodigal 23 yr-old son). Since I will never have the pleasure of having another baby...my very gracious friend indulges me by sharing her wonderful babies with me.
We mostly just sit around enjoying watching baby C. sleep, eat, and poop for 2 days. I also enjoyed coddling and spoiling my 2 year-old niece. We ate good food, drank good wine watched movies and played with my babies. Baby C's personality seems very calm and introspective. As I watch him I wonder what his personality will actually be. His sister is a complete bundle of energy and entertainment. She's talking up a storm, often uttering her favorite word that she says in the sweetest voice, "no."
My boys do miss me, of course. Before I left, Red announces that he is giving up on his hobby of flying via Flight Simulator in order to focus on his video editing business. I tell him he can do both, but he seems to be an all or nothing kind of guy.
Subsequently, he spends most of the weekend claiming boredom. He does not actually work on any videos. Instead, he spends a great deal of time and energy complaining about one thing or another. What he wants is attention...and he will get it one way or another whether it's positive or negative. Whatever positive attention he receives while I am away...is not enough. The good things his father does with him have a short shelf life.
Lately, he doesn't do well with unstructured time here at home. He feels like he has to be entertained in some way...that is, when he's not on his computer. If not, he wants to talk non-stop about a subject of interest or about something he wants to do or buy. He can talk himself into a stupor, when the answer to his request is not what he wants to hear, or if you just disagree with him or try to redirect him to do something that will change his negative thought pattern. This eventually turns into a miniature meltdown, which he apologizes for an hour later. It's big fun!
He finally admits on Sunday that he just misses me and is mad because I am away. This combined with his selective boredom presents quite a challenge for Dad. Do I feel any guilt about this? Maybe a tinge. But the bottom line is for MY sanity, I need time to decompress...to just think...to just be, without my every thought being interrupted...especially by negativity. Dad gets this on a regular basis when he travels for business. He doesn't want to count it as "peace" time, but the bottom line is that he closes the door to a hotel room at night and doesn't have to listen to any crazy talk for hours on end. I don't care if he is working. It's still a break from the insanity.
When I get home Monday afternoon...I'm not in the door ten minutes before he is all over me, like white on rice! Dad goes off to watch Monday Night Football while I deal with it. Luckily, I have tequila in the house.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago