Homework with Blue my Asperger tween,s has become this...thing...this major league, gigantic, anxiety-ridden, time-eating, monster-thing, which is starting to erode our quality of life after school. There is hardly any time to play, relax, watch a movie, exercise or hang out with friends. It's all about trying to slay this monster every night so that the teachers, "won't be mad because I didn't finish it."
This year he basically skipped a year of math and moved up into an advanced class which is on the 8th grade level instead of 7th. Now don't get me wrong...his grades are all in the 90's, so he's doing fine. But he comes home and acts like he is totally overwhelmed by the homework. I'm not a math kind of girl...especially an advanced math kind of girl. In a pinch, I can get on the internet and figure out the basics of a problem, but I'm not good at it by any stretch.
Dad does the helping out in the math department. You didn't hear this from me, but he teaches everything the long way...and sometimes, the wrong way. Which means, Blue actually ends up teaching him. They do this Tango...and it takes them 2 hours to do an assignment that should take say...30 minutes. Last week they actually worked on 10 word problems for well over 2 hours. I had to leave the room and go have a drink to keep from pulling my hair out.
In my mind, homework should be practice of what you have already learned at school. If you don't know it...you should go back to school and have them teach it to you until YOU KNOW it. It's not about what your PARENTS know...or in this case what they DON'T know.
So I call a meeting with his teachers to talk about the homework issue. In his case...he is college bound, so he doesn't want his assignments cut. But, we need to make things more manageable so that he isn't freaking out every night...better yet, so I'm not freaking out every night.
I am so delighted to walk into a room this morning with each and every one of his 7th grade teachers...i.e., Math, Science, Social Studies, Language Arts, APS (study skills), the 7th grade Principle and his Special Ed. Tracking Teacher. Wow! All of these adults in a room...just to help my kid! Thank you teachers!
They all say that he is doing great! He is an awesome student, but get this...he hardly asks any questions. Sometimes he does get preoccupied with thoughts. He doesn't always move as quickly as he could, or should, but basically he's doing great. Even when he stays after school for tutorials, he doesn't really ask very many questions, he just does his work and he does it in a relatively short period of time.
So why are we getting the okie doke here at home? Why is he suddenly so confused, needs so much help and takes so much time? Could it be that he just wants our 1 on 1 attention? Does he want to steal a little bit of Red's thunder (he who requires our attention in a very negative, all-consuming fashion)? Is he just zonked at the end of the day? Is it his anxiety? Is he distracted by thoughts of, "I'd rather be on my computer than doing this freakin' homework?" Oh and lets not forget the almighty, energy consuming quest for perfection. Having Aspergers gives you a healthy combination of all of the above...especially the anxiety and being tired at the end of the day. It takes a lot to hold it together and be perfect all day at school. There is no energy left for perfection here at home.
I am so glad that we had this meeting because if I told him any of the things below...he would not believe or listen to me. What the heck do I know? He got to hear it directly from the source (all of his teachers. Here is what we came up with:
1) Blue...you are an awesome student! We know you work hard and want to to things right.
2) Do homework to the best of your ability. Circle the problems you don't understand and bring them in the next day for reteaching, or clarification. It will not be considered late.
3) Do test corrections (with a teacher) at school...not here at home (YAY!)
4) Work with Special Ed teacher to plan (stair step) larger projects.
5) Come in for tutorials before and/or after school...ask questions if you need to.
6) Go to the public library if you need a quiet place to work.
7) Leave your mom and dad out of doing homework with you...it's slowing you down! WOO HOO!!!
8) When you spend less time doing homework, you can have some downtime to spend 1 on 1 with your parents doing something fun.
The bottom line is this:
Stop freaking out about everything...your teachers care about you. They think you're doing great and they are here to help!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago