Last night we attended the wedding rehearsal. Red has a thousand questions as usual. It dawns on me that neither he nor his brother have ever attended a wedding.
He says, "Only two people are getting married. Why is everybody else walking down the isle and standing up there? Are they getting married too?"
"Now let's just think about that question. Your dad is standing up there. Do you think he's marrying the girl he's walking down the isle with? Do you think they're going to kiss and have a baby? No...they are here to stand up with your uncle, to support him because they love him."
Don't think for a second he only asked this question once. He kept saying, "I don't get it. Why are we here? I don't get it. Can we leave now? I'm hungry."
Then he asks, "Why do people have to get married anyway? You can have a baby and live together without getting married, so what's the point?"
Now his uncle already has like a zillion children and has been living with his girlfriend for years. So this is actually a pretty good question...one that I flounder to answer.
I give him something about God prefers that we get married. "When you are married you share a spiritual and legal commitment. You don't walk away so easily when things get tough...and things will get tough." Yada, yada, yada. Does he get? Not really. Do I believe any of what I just said to him? Sort of. The truth is I think marriage is a bit of a sham. As a girl, I suckered myself into believing that it was a fairytale -happily ever after. The truth is...it's a lot of freakin' work.
However, when my boys grow up...I do want them to have a family and hopefully one of them will give me a granddaughter. I want them to be committed to being a partner and father, involved in the care and raising of their children on a daily basis. Does that require a marriage license? Not really...but for my boys who believe in following the rules...they will believe that marriage is a binding contract. So hopefully, they won't cut out when it gets tough.
Right now, Blue tells me he will NEVER get married and have kids. He says, "Kids cost too much money." Red is not sure if he will ever find someone who can put up with him. He says, "You know how I fight with my family now...I'm afraid that I will do that if I get married." I tell him that I'm sure that when he matures, he will have the skills to get along with people better (and I half-way believe this).
More and more lately Red asks these questions that just don't make any sense. Sometimes I think his dialogue is just his way of thinking out loud --trying to process things. Then other times I think...are you kidding me? I worry about him having these obscure conversations with other people. They will think he's bonkers. I am hoping that he only asks these non-sensical questions with me because I am his comfort zone. Other times, it seems like he's going backwards cognitively. He has always been pretty bright. He can focus and learn everything there is to know about a subject of interest, but as he grows older, it seems like if it's not a subject of interest, he appears clueless.
His executive planning appears to get weaker instead of stronger. His common sense factor is almost non-existent. This worries me, because I want him to become independent. Lately, his younger brother helps him with things like step by step, making up his bed, now you need to do this, or that. His YOUNGER brother tells him about saving money and setting goals to get the things that he wants. Blue explains to him how life works, which really irks the crap out of Red. He will say, "Just shut-up Blue. I hate the sound of your little voice. You're not smarter than me!" Which essentially means that he's afraid that his little brother may be smarter than him. Blue even tries to explain that, "It's not that I'm smarter than you...it's just that I understand somethings better. Everyone has different gifts." (He got that from me...the gifts part).
Red's focus is off center. Walking through the airport the other day, he is looking out the window at airplanes while he is walking through a crowd. He's not looking where he's going. I'm like, "Hello! Look where you're going before you bump into someone."
Nameste' (peace be with you)
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago