One of our family traditions with the boys is on the last day of school, we go out to lunch to celebrate. School usually ends around noon and they have not eaten. Yesterday, we end up at one of our favorite pizza places. Blue grabs the table while I pay for our order. He is not sitting at the table but he has our two cups and plates placed on the table. I grab a seat. He comes over and says, "Umm...that's my seat."
"Oh...I'm sorry. Can we just switch?"
"But I was sitting there."
"I didn't know that. I'm already sitting can you just sit on that side?"
"Uh...that's rude."
"Oh...excuse me!" I get up ready to switch seats. I see that there are a few crumbs on the other seat. Now I get it. The side he chose is cleaner. Apparently, he doesn't want to clean off a few crumbs. I get a little pissed. I totally take it personally. I feel stepped on because I'm trying to do something nice for him and he's being crappy over something as trivial as the seats. He knows that I'm pissed...so that makes it worse.
"I can't do anything right! All we do is fight. We just can't get along! I don't want to fight with you all summer. My summer is going to be ruined!"
This misunderstanding is not about the seat at all. It's about anxiety over the transition into summer. It's about not knowing exactly what the routine will be. It's about having to spend more time with me and more time with his brother. It's about leaving behind all of the things and routines that he has gotten used to over the school year and he will now miss.
It's also about the fact that he did not get enough rest the night before. We went shopping and out to dinner because he wanted to buy these Nike Plus shoes from the outlet mall. We went and had dinner afterward and we didn't get home until 10 p.m. He goes to bed at 9 or 9:30 at the latest. He woke up on his own the next morning because he was excited about the last day of school.
On our way home from this cranky lunch...he falls asleep in the car. Ah hah! There you have it.
The frustration level continues throughout the afternoon. I can not say or do anything to ease the pain or burden he is carrying. Everything I say makes matters worse. Everything dad says, seems to soothe the savage beast. I also take this personally. I shouldn't...but I do.
He says he doesn't want to go to art lessons with me. I am fine with that. I don't want to go with him either. He always rushes me at the end of our lesson when I'm trying to finish up something that I am painting.
I take a long hot bath. He and dad make plans for the evening. I leave for my art lesson...alone. Followed by a stop at my favorite watering hole, where I have a Margarita flight...alone.
I sit there on the patio having text message and Facebook conversations with my friends. I do not call or invite anyone to join me as this is a totally last minute adventure. I just do not want to go home. My Facebook status: "If drinking alone is a sign of being an alcoholic all I can say is...it runs in the family."
This morning I read a blog post on Mama Be Good titled "Frame it Hang It" Brenda reminds herself that her son's anxiety is not about her, it's not to be punished or taken personally. The words she wants to frame are "I am Anxious. I'm trying to tell you but I can't!" I am showing you what anxiety looks like by my behavior, but I'm really just plain old anxious! You have to read her entire post. It's incredibly insightful. Thank you Brenda!
Of course now I feel terribly guilty for taking it all so personally. I guess the sign I need to frame is "I am human."
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"Oh...I'm sorry. Can we just switch?"
"But I was sitting there."
"I didn't know that. I'm already sitting can you just sit on that side?"
"Uh...that's rude."
"Oh...excuse me!" I get up ready to switch seats. I see that there are a few crumbs on the other seat. Now I get it. The side he chose is cleaner. Apparently, he doesn't want to clean off a few crumbs. I get a little pissed. I totally take it personally. I feel stepped on because I'm trying to do something nice for him and he's being crappy over something as trivial as the seats. He knows that I'm pissed...so that makes it worse.
"I can't do anything right! All we do is fight. We just can't get along! I don't want to fight with you all summer. My summer is going to be ruined!"
This misunderstanding is not about the seat at all. It's about anxiety over the transition into summer. It's about not knowing exactly what the routine will be. It's about having to spend more time with me and more time with his brother. It's about leaving behind all of the things and routines that he has gotten used to over the school year and he will now miss.
It's also about the fact that he did not get enough rest the night before. We went shopping and out to dinner because he wanted to buy these Nike Plus shoes from the outlet mall. We went and had dinner afterward and we didn't get home until 10 p.m. He goes to bed at 9 or 9:30 at the latest. He woke up on his own the next morning because he was excited about the last day of school.
On our way home from this cranky lunch...he falls asleep in the car. Ah hah! There you have it.
The frustration level continues throughout the afternoon. I can not say or do anything to ease the pain or burden he is carrying. Everything I say makes matters worse. Everything dad says, seems to soothe the savage beast. I also take this personally. I shouldn't...but I do.
He says he doesn't want to go to art lessons with me. I am fine with that. I don't want to go with him either. He always rushes me at the end of our lesson when I'm trying to finish up something that I am painting.
I take a long hot bath. He and dad make plans for the evening. I leave for my art lesson...alone. Followed by a stop at my favorite watering hole, where I have a Margarita flight...alone.
This morning I read a blog post on Mama Be Good titled "Frame it Hang It" Brenda reminds herself that her son's anxiety is not about her, it's not to be punished or taken personally. The words she wants to frame are "I am Anxious. I'm trying to tell you but I can't!" I am showing you what anxiety looks like by my behavior, but I'm really just plain old anxious! You have to read her entire post. It's incredibly insightful. Thank you Brenda!
Of course now I feel terribly guilty for taking it all so personally. I guess the sign I need to frame is "I am human."
If you enjoyed this post...please click below to vote an support the blog. Just a click is a vote.
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Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago