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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Perplexed

Red will be 16 in September.  Here we are...2 years away from adulthood (which is a scary thought all by itself) and I am still utterly perplexed by him.  I don't understand the thought process of yelling and complaining because you don't get something and expecting  that to actually work for you.

I don't understand how after days of such behavior -you turn around and nicely ask, "Can I go to the movies tomorrow to see such and such with so and so?"  Or  "I really want to go to Six Flags."


I know I've totally treated you like crap for the past several days but hey, now I want something from you and I seriously expect you to give it to me.
  
I don't understand harassing the dog "because he's such a cutie".  Why do you need to pick him up and hold him tightly like he's a baby?  He's a dog.  He obviously doesn't like it.  You are the only person in the house he runs from.

The other day Harry is enthusiastically running up the stairs next to me.  When he sees Red at the top of the stairs he looks like, Oh Shit! There he is!  He literally stops in his tracks, does a u-turn and gets behind me.  This dog loves and licks everyone.  Why don't you get that?  Why do you seem to thrive on annoying others?

I don't understand complaining about the way you look, being upset that you've gained weight, yet refusing to swim or go to the gym with regularity and refusing to change your diet to include more protein instead of just carbohydrates.


Why is it that both boys have Aspergers....but they are so completely different?  So different in fact, I almost question that they both have the same disability.   Blue can be so thoughtful, protective and helpful.  He is truly a joy to be around.  Why is it that one medication has done wonders for him?  Yet, Red takes several medications and his behaviors are still pretty horrible.  

So the doctors say that you also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, BiPolar NOS.  All of these conditions are subsequent to your Aspergers. What does that mean really?  Does it really just mean that your symptoms of Aspergers are severe?  Your outburst of anger and depression come from frustration of feeling different, and not connecting with peers the way you would like to?  I don't really see any mania -any massive feelings of euphoria...ever.  Unless the mania is when you're talking non-stop and not really making any sense.  Is your lack of focus because you simply have no interest in the subject that's being taught?  You certainly can focus when it comes to something you actually WANT to do.  Why have you always been an intricate, complicated puzzle that I don't know how to solve?

Why is their no miracle med that does wonders for your disposition?  Why are you still so unhappy and you seem to work so hard to make others around you just as miserable?  I love you, but why is it so hard to be around you?  Why do you engulf our home in your misery when we are your safe haven?  We are the ones who love you and do everything within out power to make things better for you.  

Why do you thrive on arguing with me more than anyone?  Why do my feelings not seem to matter to you? Why is it that everything I do for you is never enough?  

I have a zillion more questions about your future?  Will you be able to live on your own? Will you be able to focus your skills into a career?  Will you find happiness...ever?  Will you have a wife and children?  ,

It's a wonder that I can focus on anything else with all of these questions constantly swimming around in my head.  No wonder I can't find my glasses in my purse, because they're already on my face.  No wonder I can't find my cell phone when it's exactly where I left it, even though I looked there twice.  No wonder white wine and margaritas are a staple for life in this madness.