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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Desperate Times...

Editorial Note: 
Let me preface this post by saying...this is difficult to share but hey, these are my "Confessions."  This is my reality, my naked truth.  I won't apologize for it.  It's therapeutic for me and hopefully helpful and/or educational for someone else. 

The storm blew in so quickly...it was like a tornado, without warning.  It was ugly.  It was out of nowhere.  It was the worst I've seen him yet, and that's saying something.  Just the other day,  I wrote how I'm growing immune to his meltdowns.  Guess what?  I spoke to soon.  There are now holes in two different doors in my house.  Did he knock wood for luck?  I don't think so.

I don't know where to lay the blame.  Is it the medicine???  Is he just exhausted from the pressures of the school year?  That is his complaint.  "I hate that school!"  "I hate Ms. Whoever?"  "I can't go to school tomorrow!"

Hubby not in attendance for this tirade --I feel desperate.  He is acting like he is totally possessed.  I warned, "If you hit anything else I'm going to call the hospital or someone and you're going to have to leave."  He looks almost stunned at the hole in the first door.  He looks down at his hand, which is now throbbing, like I can't believe I did this.  A few minutes later...he is banging fretfully on another door.  I call for assistance.

He is shocked and pissed all at the same time.  He has not harmed anyone.  The only carnage is my bedroom door and the utility closet door.  When I tell him the Crisis Team will be coming out to assess him.  I tell him, I'm not exactly sure what they will do, if they will take him to the hospital or not.   Scared to death, he calms his ass right down.

He is as cool as a cucumber when they come in.  Of course by then, his meds have probably kicked in fully.  I wish I could say for sure what is going on in his head at this point.  The truth is, it would be a guessing game.  This whole psychiatric medication scenario is a guessing game.  An expensive, challenging, daring game of guessing what will work.  What will make things better for this kid?  Will this make things worse? Lately, we are seeing more of the latter.

I'm sure my neighbors all got a thrill from gossiping, wondering what the hell is going on in my house.  My mother peers out of the window as a few neighbors gather to talk.  She assumes it's about the yelling that's been coming from my house and  the two unmarked cars that pull up.   I don't really give a shit what they think at this point.  I have to do what I have to do.  I have to deal with my reality --not with what the neighbors think about my reality.

The Mental Health deputy is great with him.  Thankfully, Red is not the belligerent out of control person who tore threw my house moments earlier.  I can't believe this is happening, but it's been brewing for months.  The boy is growing more and more out of control.  He has good days, but we're all so exhausted from the bad days.  We're all on eggshells.  In our fragile box of chocolates, we never know what we're going to get.  I hate that the little one has to live with the rage and explosions.  The poor little anxious guy.  He has his own battles and challenges to get through on a daily basis.   Luckily, these days he has friends to play with and go hang out with.  He can occasionally escape the madness.

I am pretty cool throughout this process.   I call Hubby away from his mental health break (an evening of basketball playoffs and beer) to come home to the craziness.

I have the urge to poor a glass of wine while they interview Red.  I decide it would be inappropriate.  Ya think??  It wasn't until they left that I felt a knot in my stomach and found myself shaking uncontrollably.  I didn't feel like eating anything.  I finally poured myself that glass of calm...I mean wine.

Before leaving the Crisis Deputy hands Red his business card, and tells him if he needs anything to give him a call.  This kid pulls out his own business card and hands it to the guy.  He's networking for his video business. You just gotta love that!  We're all on the edge of insanity and he's drumming up business.

They didn't cart his ass away to the junior looney bin.  He presented as totally lucid.  Maybe he should be an actor.  He sure can pull it together when he needs to. Don't think for a minute that he was all roses and sunshine,  sorry for what he put us through the next morning.  He's still hating life at school --saying he just can't take it anymore!

His doctor offered for me to have him go half-days until school is over.  I feel like I'd be rewarding this acting out.  He'd think...all I have to do is have a major meltdown to get out of school.  So that would be a no thank-you.  At the same time, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm really not sure what to do.  I just know...there has to be a better way.

I look forward to hearing your comments, thoughts and your Confessions: