Red comes down the stairs with a scowl on his face. He grits his teeth and starts being ugly to everyone. I'm cooking dinner. Asian meatballs, baked potatoes, and smothered cabbage. I have no wine...I'm trying not to drink vodka martinis during the week. There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge. I have to make due with a glass of that.
"Mom...I'm hungry! What am I supposed to eat? There's no food here! There's no...food!"
I'm cooking dinner and he says there's no food. The refrigerator is full. Of course, he is welcome to cook whatever he would like if he doesn't want what I'm cooking.
Next he starts in on his brother just saying random shit that makes no sense...being mean.
"You're weird! Blue."
"You look like a girl."
I implore Blue to not feed into it.
"He's just being ugly to you because he's in a bad mood. He feels bad, so he wants you to feel bad," I tell Blue.
Red admits that basically I'm right.
"I'm not really mad at you Blue. It's just that my life is horrible! I hate my life so that's why I'm being mean to you."
Isn't that true of most people in the world? They are mean and ugly to people because of some pain or hurt they are feeling...because someone else hurt them in some way. Only Red really doesn't have this awful life that he complains about. He has two parents who love him and take care of him everyday. I would say he doesn't want for anything...but he does. He wants for everything even though he has so much. Still in his eyes -his life is horrible, or at least he loves saying that to us on a daily basis.
His father just went out and bought him a new game last week. He said he was "buying some peace." It's a flight simulator game. It did buy us peace for a couple of days. It kept him occupied so that he wouldn't focus on the negatives in his life.
For a few days it was, "The best game I've ever played!"
Soon that turned into, "I Need HELP!" (Because he doesn't want to read the directions.)
Then we move on to, "I need to download such and such to make this game LOOK better!" We don't have the basic functions of the game down, but we need to add something to it!?
In the middle of dad working on a contract or a conference call in his home office he interrupts, "Daaaad! I need these add ons!"
Or when dad comes in from a long day and he's trying to relax for a moment, "I need you to help me NOW!"
So much for peace. When I see that dad is fuming -I check him on that. "You are not showing appreciation for what your father has done for you. He didn't have to go out and buy you that game. And here you are just days later finding a way to complain about it. Do you think maybe that makes him sorry that he bought it? Do you think that makes him want to help you or buy things for you in the future? Hmm...he had to think about that one!
It pains me that he is so miserable that he has to try to make those of us who love him feel his pain constantly. I feel bad for him, but sometimes it's such a downer to be around the constant negativity. I really feel sorry for his little brother who can't tune him out very easily. It's hard to stay positive especially when it seems like the more you try to do for him, the more he complains. He's like a bottomless pit --a black hole.
I get that he has yet to develop many friendships, especially at school. He talks everyday about wanting a girlfriend. He says he wants a group of friends to hang out with, but he hasn't been able to make that happen. I'd be happy if he had just one or two positive friends who love and accept him for the way he is. I pray that in due time, that will happen for him.
In the mean time we love and support him the best way we can. Even though most of the time, he is NO fun to be around. There is so much love and positive energy in this family, but he can enter a room and just suck the life right out of it.
-I took this picture of Red on one of those mornings when I was dropping him off for school. I got him out of the car by telling him how handsome he looks in the leather jacket handed down from his uncle to his dad, and now to him. He is handsome just like all of the men in our family. "No I'm not. I'm ugly! That's why I don't have a girlfriend!" No my dear...being ugly is not the problem. Acting ugly...??? Fortunately, that is something you can change.
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"Mom...I'm hungry! What am I supposed to eat? There's no food here! There's no...food!"
I'm cooking dinner and he says there's no food. The refrigerator is full. Of course, he is welcome to cook whatever he would like if he doesn't want what I'm cooking.
Next he starts in on his brother just saying random shit that makes no sense...being mean.
"You're weird! Blue."
"You look like a girl."
I implore Blue to not feed into it.
"He's just being ugly to you because he's in a bad mood. He feels bad, so he wants you to feel bad," I tell Blue.
Red admits that basically I'm right.
"I'm not really mad at you Blue. It's just that my life is horrible! I hate my life so that's why I'm being mean to you."
Isn't that true of most people in the world? They are mean and ugly to people because of some pain or hurt they are feeling...because someone else hurt them in some way. Only Red really doesn't have this awful life that he complains about. He has two parents who love him and take care of him everyday. I would say he doesn't want for anything...but he does. He wants for everything even though he has so much. Still in his eyes -his life is horrible, or at least he loves saying that to us on a daily basis.
His father just went out and bought him a new game last week. He said he was "buying some peace." It's a flight simulator game. It did buy us peace for a couple of days. It kept him occupied so that he wouldn't focus on the negatives in his life.
For a few days it was, "The best game I've ever played!"
Soon that turned into, "I Need HELP!" (Because he doesn't want to read the directions.)
Then we move on to, "I need to download such and such to make this game LOOK better!" We don't have the basic functions of the game down, but we need to add something to it!?
In the middle of dad working on a contract or a conference call in his home office he interrupts, "Daaaad! I need these add ons!"
Or when dad comes in from a long day and he's trying to relax for a moment, "I need you to help me NOW!"
So much for peace. When I see that dad is fuming -I check him on that. "You are not showing appreciation for what your father has done for you. He didn't have to go out and buy you that game. And here you are just days later finding a way to complain about it. Do you think maybe that makes him sorry that he bought it? Do you think that makes him want to help you or buy things for you in the future? Hmm...he had to think about that one!
It pains me that he is so miserable that he has to try to make those of us who love him feel his pain constantly. I feel bad for him, but sometimes it's such a downer to be around the constant negativity. I really feel sorry for his little brother who can't tune him out very easily. It's hard to stay positive especially when it seems like the more you try to do for him, the more he complains. He's like a bottomless pit --a black hole.
I get that he has yet to develop many friendships, especially at school. He talks everyday about wanting a girlfriend. He says he wants a group of friends to hang out with, but he hasn't been able to make that happen. I'd be happy if he had just one or two positive friends who love and accept him for the way he is. I pray that in due time, that will happen for him.
In the mean time we love and support him the best way we can. Even though most of the time, he is NO fun to be around. There is so much love and positive energy in this family, but he can enter a room and just suck the life right out of it.
-I took this picture of Red on one of those mornings when I was dropping him off for school. I got him out of the car by telling him how handsome he looks in the leather jacket handed down from his uncle to his dad, and now to him. He is handsome just like all of the men in our family. "No I'm not. I'm ugly! That's why I don't have a girlfriend!" No my dear...being ugly is not the problem. Acting ugly...??? Fortunately, that is something you can change.
Readers...I love, love, love your comments!
Show me some love...click above. Give me an ego boost by moving me up in the ranks. ^^^^
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Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago