Thursday, July 11, 2019

Rescuing Myself

Do you ever walk around thinking...Boy, my attitude sucks? I wish I could change it.

No matter how much inner dialogue you have with yourself, it doesn’t change. You walk around feeling slighted, taken advantage of, angry. You end up lashing out at people you love knowing damn well that isn’t going to change anything.

This whole therapy, self-awareness, self-love and care thing is great. Until you realize that your biggest problem is you. You’re allowing negative thoughts and feelings to rule your life. You’re angry because you’re not getting what you want from others but then you realize, you’ve been looking in the wrong place. You should be looking in the mirror.  

The last time I wrote here, I talked about my latest challenge with my mother’s declining mobility. I was experiencing all kinds of emotions and feelings about my new increase in job duties. I was overwhelmed, and I still am but I'm moving through it anyway. I was feeling like I was being knocked back down just as I was trying to get up. I was angry because the freedom that I thought was in reach after raising these intense children, has been pushed back.

In the past few weeks, I have re-evaluated the situation and my attitude about it. Through journaling, I remembered that the only person I can control is myself. I’ve gone from feeling pissed off, tired and angry and I'm arriving at acceptance. 

My mother is almost 80-years-old. Her health, mental and physical is what it is. As much as I want her to snap out of it and have more of a, "I can do this" attitude. I can't control that. 

I can want someone to come and help me with what feels like an overwhelming task. But, I am the only person I’m in charge of. 

This isn’t my first challenge in life and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I’ve had some pretty big obstacles to overcome when it came to raising and advocating for two children with autism. Somehow, I always worked through the challenges and made things happen. I never accepted the words, “No. We can’t do that.” 

Yes, of course, you can. You just have to think outside of the box. There’s always a way. 

I have never let roadblocks stand in my way. And by roadblocks, I mostly mean other people who do not care about the outcome of my situation as much as I do. Sometimes, roadblocks are arbitrary rules that are set up that make you want to just give up and not ask for what you need. Giving up is not in my DNA. 

I have always managed to get what my children needed from every doctor, therapist, teacher and school administrator. I showed up like a dog with a bone until the boy’s educational and psychological needs were met.

In the current challenge of figuring out my mother’s next phase, and advocating for her needs, I will do as I have always done. I will work it out and I won’t wait for anyone else to make it happen. 

I remember the last time Mom was in the hospital and they were trying to figure out where her sudden confusion was coming from. Her sodium level was low. That explained some of it, but I knew there was more to it. I would not leave the hospital until I got a Psych consult. That led to us finding a doctor who could help her. The consult got us a referral for my mom to be seen sooner, rather than later.  

In the quest to change my attitude about my current situation, I thought about something I read a while ago. I don't think this is the original quote I read, but this is basically the sentiment.

No one is coming to rescue you from yourself: your inner demons, your lack of confidence, your dissatisfaction with yourself and your life. Only self-love and good decisions will rescue you. – Jenni Young 

I am here to rescue myself.