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Monday, August 27, 2018

Dating Advice for Young Adults

Every few months the subject of dating is something that my two young-adults who happen to be on the autism spectrum, get stuck on. One of them gets a little more stuck, a lot more often. Probably because he has been a lover of female attention before he could even speak the words to say so. His interests began in pre-school when he was speech-delayed. He would always sit near pretty girls. He would put his arm around them. He loved to give and receive hugs.

My youngest son developed more interest in relationships at a more appropriate age. However, his approach to relationships with the opposite sex is a lot more pragmatic.  Still dating is not an easy thing.

I don't know why they ask me for dating advice. They really don't listen to my answers. That doesn't stop them from asking me over and over again. It also doesn't stop my heart from breaking and wanting them to find love and happiness.

  • Why can't I find a girlfriend? 
  • What's wrong with me? 
  • Why does dating seem to come along easily for most people but not for me? 
  • Why is every girl I meet already taken? 
  • Why am I struggling? 
  • You have no idea how this feels! (Which is more of an accusation than a question). 
Well, I may have some idea how it feels. I had a few dry spells when I was in the dating world, you know, way back in ancient history. I actually had quite a bit of fun dating many of the wrong guys, but it was all apart of my human experience. In hindsight, there wasn't one heartbreak that I would change. Each of them taught me something about myself and about men in general.

One of the things I think that helped me the most was having males who were just friends. In my teen years, I had more male than female friends. Yep. I really used to be a teenager. I know things have changed in your age of technology, however, human nature is very much the same. You don't have to believe me now. You'll see someday.

Every relationship good or bad is something that you are destined to experience. We would all love to be able to control the experience. It would be great if the one we think we love, always loves us in return. That doesn't always happen.  It would be fantastic if we never had to go through the pain of heartache when someone ends the relationship before the other person is ready, but again it's a part of the journey.

If you can control love, you will be the first person on earth to do so. Good luck with the millions you will earn selling your secret.

Again, we have no control when it comes to love.

One of my boys is a strong believer in God, the other not so much. The youngest is still examining his faith.

For the terms of my believer, these are my answers (although I think they are appropriate for anyone).

  • Finding the relationships that you are meant to have, will NEVER be a struggle ~You will not have to knock the door down. There will be no need to call them constantly or text them over and over. You won't have to convince them that you're the one. They will come to you naturally and they will stay with you as long as they are meant to.  
  • The struggle comes in when you are trying to make something happen that God, (the universe, or fate) says, it is not meant for you. 
  • There is nothing wrong with you. ~What's wrong is that you are approaching every relationship and every person you meet as if they are meant for you when they're not. 
  • Dating seems to come along easily to others ~because you are on the outside looking in. Other people may have more relationships. That doesn't mean that they are quality relationships. They will undoubtedly also have more drama. More drama comes along with the relationships that are based on selfish desires (not God's plan or fate).  Maybe God doesn't want you to have all that drama. 
  • If the person you meet is already taken...they are not meant for you to be in a relationship at that moment.  Perhaps that person, even if they are the opposite sex, and beautiful, or handsome, crossed your path because you are meant to be friends. Maybe being a friend without selfish desires, will lead to something more. That new friend could possibly end up leading you to another destined relationship.  
  • You struggle more when your desires are selfish ~A relationship that comes your way without a struggle is meant to happen, even if it doesn't last forever. You are meant to learn something from that experience. That person was meant to be a part of your journey.
I believe this advice will serve you well, whether you are on the autism spectrum or not.  The language of love is universal. I'm no expert, but I've had a few relationships in my 53 years on this earth. The latest one has lasted nearly 25 years, so far.

I decided to write these answers down for my sons so that perhaps I won't have to repeat myself, nine-hundred-ninety-nine more times.

Here you go, kid! It's in writing.

Love,

Mom