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Wednesday, May 3, 2017

All of the thoughts...

So many thoughts in a given day.  So many feelings of complete overwhelm. I haven't written about my mother's troubles in great detail, but they feel huge and weighty. Perpetually occupying space in my already overcrowded head.

I can't see her without thinking all of the thoughts and feeling the sadness over this space that we're in. You know that when you're taking care of a parent, sooner or later you will be dealing with health issues, and ultimately you will have to face their mortality.  You hope that it will be short and painless, but that would be impossible. There is no such thing. You hope that you will be prepared for whatever comes. I was not prepared for this. 

She is not near death but her issues are not easily "fixed" if fixable at all. And yet, I constantly think about what I can do to help her. What will make things better? I just want to see her happy and enjoying this time in her life.

I was writing while sitting in the airport. When I got on the flight, I noticed that somehow I hit publish instead of hitting save and 71 of you have already read my incomplete thoughts so...I guess I should finish this post.

I can never make a reservation without hesitation.  Thoughts about all of the things and all of the people and details must be considered before I take off. Even this time as I head to Los Angeles for the memorial service of my brother who passed earlier this year, I have to consider my mother.

This time, it wasn't so much about my kids (who are not really kids anymore). It was more about my mom. I didn't want to leave her at home. I didn't want to take her with me. Maybe I'm lazy or maybe I'm just tired of constantly having to consider others before I go to the toilet, much less anywhere else. I didn't want to have to consider her every time I move from place to place in L.A.

Will she be okay? Will she comfortable? Will she be upset because I went here or there?

As it is at home every time I move, she is watching.  She's asking, "Where are you going? When are coming back? Why are you going upstairs?  You're going to bed now? Why can't you wait?"

I've never been a loner, but my God! My family has turned me into one.

I went ahead and purchased the ticket because of course, I should go support my other siblings as we lay my brother to rest. I'm just so peopled out right now. And as much as I want to see everyone, I also would really like some time to be completely alone and not worry about anything or anyone. 

It's weird to be going home not excited. I really don't feel like peopling.

Parenting and caregiving has turned me into someone I hardly know. I'm sure I'll get my groove when I get there.

Hopefully, I can spend some time with my feet in the ocean ...just being.