A few weeks ago I looked in the mirror and winced. Yikes! Who in the hell is that? I wanted to cry over how old and tired I looked. The gray hair is in the process of doing a massive takeover. I have been vacillating back and forth over the past year whether or not to let it happen. When it was just one little patchy area, I thought it looked kind of cool, like a natural highlight. However, as the gray started spreading like a disease, I've had mixed emotions over it.
According to my history of personal Facebook posts, I have been having this gray hair argument in my head for quite some time. That Facebook "On This Day" feature can be cool, but sometimes a little depressing when you see some pathetic post you made 2 years ago about the same subject that you're currently still whining about.
I digress...
I like to consider myself to be somewhat of a natural woman. I no longer put chemicals to straighten my hair. I don’t do the weave thing that a lot of black women do. Looks great on some of you, but it's too damn hot here in Texas for extra hair. That's why I cut off my long dreads. I wear just enough makeup to accent my facial features and fade a few blemishes, but I don’t overdo it.
I realize now, the reason I wanted to cry when I looked in the mirror makeup less, exhausted, with more gray hair than I realized, is because I wasn’t happy with myself. Self confidence had flown out the window. The reflection told the truth of the life that was literally being sucked out of me from years of giving more of myself than I actually could spare. I was allowing myself to be abused and in a way, I was abusing myself. My kindness and love was being taken for weakness. I was giving myself away piece by piece, gray by gray, puffy eyes, disrupted sleep cycles and lost appetite. It wasn’t a good look -as in not pretty.At.All. It certainly was not the way I wanted to feel.
There are people in this world who are takers. It may not be any fault of their own. Sometimes as parents, we love our children so much that we spoil them and they get used to it especially, when we feel bad for the extreme challenges that they face. There is a saying, "Be careful what you do for your child with autism. They will expect you to do it over and over again."
Some takers may have a psychological issue or problems with perspective. Some are just black holes that can never be filled up. I know a few people like that. I'm sure you do too. When a taker knows that a giver loves them unconditionally, they see no reason to stop asking for more.
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| Beauty is a state of mind... |
Sooner or later, givers have to learn to stand up for themselves and say, “Sorry dude, but we’re all sold out here. I got nothing for you,” or better yet, “I love you, but I love myself more. If I don’t take care of myself, I will have nothing to give you or anyone else."
It took me a very long time to stand up and say that to the son whom I love ALMOST as much as I love myself. I have given you a good foundation. I have put a wealth of supports in place for you, but I have to take care of me. I think it will be better for both of us if I love you from a distance for now.
In other words, it's not you ...it's me.
In other words, it's not you ...it's me.
Today I looked in the mirror and not only was the sparkle back in my eyes, but the gray no longer made me look old and tired, it had turned into sparkling silver highlights. And I was rocking it!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago