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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Silver Hair -Don't Care.

A few weeks ago I looked in the mirror and winced. Yikes! Who in the hell is that? I wanted to cry over how old and tired I looked. The gray hair is in the process of doing a massive takeover. I have been vacillating back and forth over the past year whether or not to let it happen. When it was just one little patchy area, I thought it looked kind of cool, like a natural highlight.  However,  as the gray started spreading like a disease, I've had mixed emotions over it. 

According to my history of personal Facebook posts, I have been having this gray hair argument in my head for quite some time. That Facebook "On This Day" feature can be cool, but sometimes a little depressing when you see some pathetic post you made 2 years ago about the same subject that you're currently still whining about. 

I  digress...
I like to consider myself to be somewhat of a natural woman. I no longer put chemicals to straighten my hair. I don’t do the weave thing that a lot of black women do.  Looks great on some of you, but it's too damn hot here in Texas for extra hair. That's why I cut off my long dreads. I wear just enough makeup to accent my facial features and fade a few blemishes, but I don’t overdo it. 

I realize now, the reason I wanted to cry when I looked in the mirror makeup less, exhausted, with more gray hair than I realized, is because I wasn’t happy with myself.  Self confidence had flown out the window. The reflection told the truth of the life that was literally being sucked out of me from years of giving more of myself than I actually could spare. I was allowing myself to be abused and in a way, I was abusing myself. My kindness and love was being taken for weakness. I was giving myself away piece by piece, gray by gray, puffy eyes, disrupted sleep cycles and lost appetite.  It wasn’t a good look -as in not pretty.At.All. It certainly was not  the way I wanted to feel. 

There are people in this world who are takers.  It may not be any fault of their own. Sometimes as parents, we love our children so much that we spoil them and they get used to it especially, when we feel bad for the extreme challenges that they face. There is a saying, "Be careful what you do for your child with autism. They will expect you to do it over and over again." 

Some takers may have a psychological issue or problems with perspective. Some are just black holes that can never be filled up.  I know a few people like that. I'm sure you do too. When a taker knows that  a giver loves them unconditionally, they see no reason to stop asking for more. 
Beauty is a state of mind...
Sooner or later, givers have to learn to stand up for themselves and say, “Sorry dude, but we’re all sold out here. I got nothing for you,”  or better yet, “I love you, but I love myself more. If I don’t take care of myself, I will have nothing to give you or anyone else."

It took me a very long time to stand up and say that to the son whom I love ALMOST as much as I love myself. I have given you a good foundation. I have put a wealth of supports in place for you, but I have to take care of me. I think it will be better for both of us if I love you from a distance for now. 
In other words, it's not you ...it's me.

Today I looked in the mirror and not only was the sparkle back in my eyes, but the gray no longer made me look old and tired, it had turned into sparkling silver highlights. And I was rocking it!