I got one of those phone calls from the school. If you're an autism parent you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Actually, the first call was from Red. Seeing his name on the caller i.d. is almost as bad as seeing the high school's number during the day. The last thing I want is a call from either of them.
"Mom. I need you to come get me. I'm really pissed off. I just left the AP's office..."
The strange thing is -his tone was not belligerent. His language was very lucid. Everything he was saying made perfectly good sense. He wasn't happy about the situation but he wasn't over the top either. Less than a year ago, this very same phone call would have had me running over to the school because he was threatening to harm himself. Any encounter with a police officer, if not self-initiated sends him over the moon. And this was a substitute campus officer -not the one he knows and is actually pretty fond of.
Today, he was still on earth -not happy, but not totally losing it either.
I however, was pissed! I had to play the roll of cool, calm, and collected, so that he would remain in control. But I could have kicked that Assistant Principal right in the ass if I had been close enough. He called Red in and had the campus police officer there to "explain" how certain things work out in the "real world."
The A.P. is also a little wimp and was probably afraid of the big bad, black teenager with autism. Red might lose it, so he better have the officer there to intimidate him. Red has lost it before. Violence? No. That is not in his character.
A student filed a complaint that Red was making him feel uncomfortable, because he kept going up to him saying, "You need to stay away from my friends." Said student wants Red to "stay away from him."
Does this student have that right? Absolutely.
Does Red fully comprehend that? I can't tell you that for sure.
Can Red control how he feels, this jealousy and envy for this other student? No. He can not.
Can Red control his impulse to go up and talk to this boy every time he sees him? So far...the answer is No.
This behavior has been an ongoing problem, stemming from Red's insecurity, low self-esteem, unhappiness, and feelings of being disliked and unaccepted in the high school culture. These are common feelings for students in high school with Aspergers. Blue has only been there a few weeks and he already feels like an outcast.
As the mom ...I have to teach Red the ways of the world. Although, he would like the world to operate according to his rules -that is not going to happen.
I tell him, that although he can not control his feelings, he has to control his actions. People who can not control their actions, end up losing some of their freedoms.
In the adult world, Aspergers is not an excuse. It may be a defense, but not an excuse. In other words, in the real world you can be arrested, and have a trial for your actions. Your attorney can argue, that your compulsive behavior is a result of your autism -that autism and A.D.H.D. makes you have difficulty with impulse control. Will that excuse your behavior? Probably not. There will be some consequence. After all, he is black ...and this is America. He already has a strike against him. Autism just compounds the problem.
There is already the consequence of an arrest and paying for an attorney for your defense. So, do we really want to go there? Absolutely not!
I pray that he is learning these lessons in the relatively safe environment of the high school. And I do mean relatively. Who knows how much mental damage this freaking school is causing him everyday. It is safe in that what happens there, unless completely illegal, does not land you with such consequences.
Now...why was I pissed? Because the asshole A.P. called me after the fact, of calling Red into his office and having a police officer there to intimidate him. He knows damn well, he should have called me beforehand. We've been through this before. I've laid him out before.
When he called me and asked me, "How are you doing today?" How do you think I'm doing? I'm pissed! Red has already called me and said, he wants to drop out of school ...you asswipe!
Granted -Red is 18 years-old now. He is supposed to be legally responsible for himself. Is he mature enough to know what that means? Not really.
No -I did not file for guardianship. I want to give him the opportunity to take care of his own life. We did however have him sign a Power of Attorney, so that I can help him with legal, medical and financial matters, if he is unable to do so himself. This includes, if he doesn't fully understand what is being asked of him.
We just signed the Power of Attorney last week and it is not on file with the school yet. You can bet your ass -it will be put on file today! Yes ...I let the AP know that I would be getting a copy of it electronically from my attorney, so that I can put it on file today. And yes, if you know what's best for you, you will call me before you call my son into your office the next time. Otherwise, you may be getting a visit directly from my attorney!
Meanwhile, I had to make my 3rd trip over to the high school for that day, to bring Blue some medicine for the nebulizer. I decided to have a chat with the campus officer, to find out exactly what kind of chat he had with my son. He explained, that the definition, of harassment/bullying has recently been expanded to include, annoying another student. HA!! Annoying is the very definition of Aspergers! You expect a child with Aspergers not to annoy another student. That's rich!
He basically told Red, that these kind of issues can lead to real problems in a public location other than the school. In other words, this is a behavior that we need to break, before it causes him any real problems. I get that. I'm totally with that. In fact, in a sad way, I am glad these kinds of issues are being addressed now, so that we hopefully never encounter them after we walk out of the doors of that freakin' high school.
The really exceptional news is that Red processed through all of this extremely well with his therapist yesterday afternoon. He actually accepted responsibility for his actions. He was calm, cool, and very mature about the whole thing. This.is.a.miracle. Maybe he really is growing up. Maybe he is starting to get it.
The real kicker was later that day, we picked his friend up. When he got in the car Red told him, "Man let's not talk about so and so anymore. It's a real trigger for me. If I bring him up again, I want you to slap me!" he said as he laughed. "And if you bring him up, I'll slap you!"
Editorial Note:
Actually, the first call was from Red. Seeing his name on the caller i.d. is almost as bad as seeing the high school's number during the day. The last thing I want is a call from either of them.
"Mom. I need you to come get me. I'm really pissed off. I just left the AP's office..."
The strange thing is -his tone was not belligerent. His language was very lucid. Everything he was saying made perfectly good sense. He wasn't happy about the situation but he wasn't over the top either. Less than a year ago, this very same phone call would have had me running over to the school because he was threatening to harm himself. Any encounter with a police officer, if not self-initiated sends him over the moon. And this was a substitute campus officer -not the one he knows and is actually pretty fond of.
Today, he was still on earth -not happy, but not totally losing it either.
I however, was pissed! I had to play the roll of cool, calm, and collected, so that he would remain in control. But I could have kicked that Assistant Principal right in the ass if I had been close enough. He called Red in and had the campus police officer there to "explain" how certain things work out in the "real world."
The A.P. is also a little wimp and was probably afraid of the big bad, black teenager with autism. Red might lose it, so he better have the officer there to intimidate him. Red has lost it before. Violence? No. That is not in his character.
A student filed a complaint that Red was making him feel uncomfortable, because he kept going up to him saying, "You need to stay away from my friends." Said student wants Red to "stay away from him."
Does this student have that right? Absolutely.
Does Red fully comprehend that? I can't tell you that for sure.
Can Red control how he feels, this jealousy and envy for this other student? No. He can not.
Can Red control his impulse to go up and talk to this boy every time he sees him? So far...the answer is No.
This behavior has been an ongoing problem, stemming from Red's insecurity, low self-esteem, unhappiness, and feelings of being disliked and unaccepted in the high school culture. These are common feelings for students in high school with Aspergers. Blue has only been there a few weeks and he already feels like an outcast.
As the mom ...I have to teach Red the ways of the world. Although, he would like the world to operate according to his rules -that is not going to happen.
I tell him, that although he can not control his feelings, he has to control his actions. People who can not control their actions, end up losing some of their freedoms.
In the adult world, Aspergers is not an excuse. It may be a defense, but not an excuse. In other words, in the real world you can be arrested, and have a trial for your actions. Your attorney can argue, that your compulsive behavior is a result of your autism -that autism and A.D.H.D. makes you have difficulty with impulse control. Will that excuse your behavior? Probably not. There will be some consequence. After all, he is black ...and this is America. He already has a strike against him. Autism just compounds the problem.
There is already the consequence of an arrest and paying for an attorney for your defense. So, do we really want to go there? Absolutely not!
I pray that he is learning these lessons in the relatively safe environment of the high school. And I do mean relatively. Who knows how much mental damage this freaking school is causing him everyday. It is safe in that what happens there, unless completely illegal, does not land you with such consequences.
Now...why was I pissed? Because the asshole A.P. called me after the fact, of calling Red into his office and having a police officer there to intimidate him. He knows damn well, he should have called me beforehand. We've been through this before. I've laid him out before.
When he called me and asked me, "How are you doing today?" How do you think I'm doing? I'm pissed! Red has already called me and said, he wants to drop out of school ...you asswipe!
Granted -Red is 18 years-old now. He is supposed to be legally responsible for himself. Is he mature enough to know what that means? Not really.
No -I did not file for guardianship. I want to give him the opportunity to take care of his own life. We did however have him sign a Power of Attorney, so that I can help him with legal, medical and financial matters, if he is unable to do so himself. This includes, if he doesn't fully understand what is being asked of him.
We just signed the Power of Attorney last week and it is not on file with the school yet. You can bet your ass -it will be put on file today! Yes ...I let the AP know that I would be getting a copy of it electronically from my attorney, so that I can put it on file today. And yes, if you know what's best for you, you will call me before you call my son into your office the next time. Otherwise, you may be getting a visit directly from my attorney!
Meanwhile, I had to make my 3rd trip over to the high school for that day, to bring Blue some medicine for the nebulizer. I decided to have a chat with the campus officer, to find out exactly what kind of chat he had with my son. He explained, that the definition, of harassment/bullying has recently been expanded to include, annoying another student. HA!! Annoying is the very definition of Aspergers! You expect a child with Aspergers not to annoy another student. That's rich!
He basically told Red, that these kind of issues can lead to real problems in a public location other than the school. In other words, this is a behavior that we need to break, before it causes him any real problems. I get that. I'm totally with that. In fact, in a sad way, I am glad these kinds of issues are being addressed now, so that we hopefully never encounter them after we walk out of the doors of that freakin' high school.
The really exceptional news is that Red processed through all of this extremely well with his therapist yesterday afternoon. He actually accepted responsibility for his actions. He was calm, cool, and very mature about the whole thing. This.is.a.miracle. Maybe he really is growing up. Maybe he is starting to get it.
The real kicker was later that day, we picked his friend up. When he got in the car Red told him, "Man let's not talk about so and so anymore. It's a real trigger for me. If I bring him up again, I want you to slap me!" he said as he laughed. "And if you bring him up, I'll slap you!"
Editorial Note:
This is something I had to write about instead of talk about on my YouTube Vlog . Have you checked it out by the way? You really should!
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago