Wednesday, October 30, 2013

My Knight

I laid my head down on the table in the middle of the sandwich joint.  I just couldn't hold it up any more.  I couldn't hold myself together one moment longer.
My heart heavy, my chest tightening -I just needed to take a moment.
When I lifted my head, a guy comes over to my table...
"Can I take that for you mam?" he said, looking at the sandwich basket on the table.
"Sure...go ahead. Thank you," I reply.

Then I saw him.  My tall, handsome husband appeared out of nowhere wearing his new sexy, tinted glasses (yes I find glasses sexy) and just enough of a smile on his face to tell me his thought ~I know I am what you need right now.  He appeared in this moment, just as I was about to fall apart.

He called me just as I was leaving my last errand.  He wanted to check on me as he was driving back into town.  I told him I was going to grab a bite and where.  He had stops to make and was tired from his drive from Houston.  I didn't expect him to come, but I was so glad that he did.
He never looked so good to me, as he did in that moment.
Well maybe he has.  He seems to get more handsome with maturity.  Whatever the case may be sure felt like my perfectly, handsome knight had arrived to rescue me.

He sat down in the booth right next to me and said, "Something told me to come to you."
With that the tears that had been fighting, began to fall.  They poured from my eyes.  I was able to let it all go. His presence was just what I needed to allow me to let it all out.

I let it happen again.  I have buried myself underneath the avalanche of my children's needs.
I'm feeling like I can't breathe.
I'm gasping for air.
I'm trying to hold it together for them.
I am aching for them.
I'm turning front flips and back flips to keep Blue's level of stress down, and no matter how much I do's.never.enough.

I know deep down that I'm doing way too much.  Again, I have cut off my entire life, seldom seeing friends, minimal exercise, and very little writing. Not much of a life -at all.
We have had the occasional quickie date night whenever we can sneak one in between drop offs and pick ups.  Even the date nights are often cut short to run home to some minor catastrophe.

As a mother, it's so hard to see my child so miserable, feeling so bad about himself, feeling so unaccepted in the world, feeling so out of control.
Blue says things like...
I want this pain to stop.
Why does my life have to be like this?
Why doesn't anyone like me?

They both need me to listen to them.
They need to vent.
They need to process their feelings
I am on overload!

If I say nothing they get angry. 
If I say too much...they disagree.   
I try to help ...I'm helping the wrong way. 
I just can not fucking win!

When I balk or say,
"I can't take anymore!"
Blue ends up with hurt feelings.
He starts crying and says, "I don't mean to hurt you mom.  I'm such a terrible person."
This makes me want to suck it up and let him dump on me more, but...
I'm human.
I have limits.
He has to know that.

So on this day, in this moment, in the arms of my knight, in the middle of a freakin' sandwich shop ...I was able to have a good, cathartic cry.
I was assured that I am loved.
I am enough.
In fact, I'm more than enough.

This is love.